Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Saturday November 26th 2011

Posts Tagged ‘Baseball’

The Morning After Pill – 5/25/2010

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling.  Today’s edition has been crafted by WSR, meaning the paper drafts reek of tears and whiskey. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com

NHL

For the first time since they were swept out in the 1997 Finals by the Red Wings, Philadelphia is in the Stanley Cup Finals after downing the Canadians 4-2 at the Wachovia Center.  The Flyers pummeled Montreal in 5 games, and will now get their ass handed to them by the Blackhawks.  Game 1 is Saturday night on NBC, game 2 is Monday night on NBC, and Gary Bettman still sucks more cock than Chasey Lain.

Official Gally Blog NHL Story Picture

MLB

Puck. Because I said so.

Minnesota Twins: Did Not Play

Boston 6 Tampa Bay 1

Cincinnati 7 Pittsburgh 5

Chicago Bitch Sox 7 Cleveland 2

Toronto 6 Los Angeles Angels 0

NFL

Brett Favre didn’t do anything.  He also didn’t not do anything

The NFL lost a United States Supreme Court case.  It probably won’t affect you.

NBA

The NBA sucks.  It’s not even basketball anymore.  People more astute than I will point out that it’s probably been that way for at least a decade now. (more…)

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Great Moments in Baseball Management

Is this the normal look on his face?


Saturday night Baltimore manager Dave Trembley made a case that the O’s would be better off spending the roughly $750,000 a year he makes on sunflower seeds and letting some random fan run the team (assuming, of course, that Baltimore still has fans).  All managers really do these days is sit players who can’t hit/field (unless your name is Nick Punto with those photos of Gardy), and count to 100 before giving your starting pitcher the hook.  You also need to know who your opponent has available when you actually try to make a strategic decision.  Sadly, Trembley is a little lost when it comes to strategery.

(more…)

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Seattle Is Tickled Pink

So what if he couldn't do this without a robot body?
So what if he couldn't do this without a robot body?

In a news headline that clearly sounds like it was ripped from a shoddy C level porn starring Ethan Suplee and Rosie O’Donnell, Seatlle is tickled pink. Why is the collective Seatlle area acting as if thier perineum’s were being aroused with a feather duster? Well, if you couldn’t guess from the above picture, it’s because Ken Griffey Jr. has signed another one year contract with the Mariners.

Seattle General Manager Jack Zduriencik, had this to say about the signing.

We’re tickled pink that he’s decided to come back. He was such a positive role model, if you will, for a lot of players. He likes where we’re headed and he likes what’s going on here. He’s a first-ballot Hall of Famer and the greatest player in Seattle Mariners history.

The contract is apparently very similar to his 2009 deal that paid him $2 million, and $3.15 million with incentives. Griffey is currently in fifth place all time with 630 HR’s, and could theoretically move past Willie Mays into 4th place with one or two more solid seasons.

Griffey had this to say about the deal,

I’d like to thank the Mariners organization for inviting me back to play in 2010. While 2009 was an awesome experience for me, my ultimate goal is for the Mariners to get to and win the World Series. To that end, I look forward to contributing in any role that Don sees fit on the field, and any manner I possibly can off the field.

Ken Griffey Jr. is my favorite baseball player of all time, and is the only reason I’ve ever paid attention to baseball, other than the Jays winning two World Series. I wish him the best, and hope he does manage to put a solid bookend on an injury riddled career filled with what ifs? The deal is pending a physical, after he’s done rehabbing a minor surgery on his knee.

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Morning After Pill: All Tied Up Edition

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring. Like curling…Especially curling.

Wake up call (ie Music Interlude)

MLB

I do not actually love the Yankees, but I do heart the boobies.
I do not actually love the Yankees, but I do heart the boobies.

New York assholes, ie Logic, rejoice. Your New York Yankees tied up the World Series last night at one game a piece. No, I did not watch the game, but from what I can gather they won 3-1. At least that’s what Yahoo! Sports is telling me. I imagine this is great for fans of Yankees, but terrible for those of us who enjoy watching Fox’s Animation Domination on Sunday nights. Stupid playoffs. I guess the silver lining in all of this is that baseball is almost over. Soon it will hibernate and crawl back into the dark recesses of our minds. Kind of like an illegitimate child.

Sleep easy Baby Logic, for your Yankees live to fight another day.
Sleep easy Baby Logic, for your Yankees live to fight another day.

NCAAF

Virginia Tech continues to ride on the wave of inconsistency as they lost to UNC last night 20-17 on a last second field goal. The loss, more than likely, puts the Hokies out of contention for the ACC Coastal title. It’s also worth noting that the loss puts Georgia Tech in a 3-way tie for first in the ACC Coastal, along with Duke and Virginia. Yes Duke and Virginia. Two teams that lost to FCS schools at the beginning of the season.

Duke is tied for first in something other than basketball and good grades with a 4-3 overall record, and a 2-1 divisional record. Virginia is even more laughable. The Cavaliers are currently 2-1 in the ACC, but have a whopping 3-4 overall record. Granted the ship will right itself and both of the aforementioned teams will go back to their bottom feeding ways. Until then the ACC will continue to look bad. Like real bad. Like that time in high school when you brought your cousin to prom. That kind of bad. Yowsers.

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Morning After Pill: No Rest for the Wicked

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous days sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness.

[vodpod id=Groupvideo.3743510&w=425&h=350&fv=%26rel%3D0%26border%3D0%26]

MLB

The World Series is set as the Yankees finished off the Angels last night 5-2. Which gave Logic a reason to pull the gun out of his mouth, just long enough before placing it back in after the Giants lost. I would post more stats, and talk about the game itself, but that would involve too much caring.

"These are tears of joy you fucking fuck!" - Baby Logic
"These are tears of joy you fucking fuck!" - Baby Logic

NFL

The NFL continued their expansion into the UK as the Buc took on the Patriots. Sucks to be the Bucs, as they lost 35-7. Embarrassing, losing 35-7 at home. More embarrassing, having to travel 1,000+ miles to get beat 35-7.

Jay Cutler showed off why signing him to $30+ million contract extension was totally worth it as he threw 3 interceptions in a 10-45 loss to the Bengals. Cedric Benson got his revenge against his former team and Matt Forte continues to make Fantasy Football owners kick themselves in the ass with his lofty 24 yards of rushing.

Brett Favre and the Vikings took their first loss of the season yesterday afternoon after losing to the Steelers 27-17. With a minute or so remaining in the game Favre threw a costly interception that was returned for 6. Well okay, it wasn’t really his fault, stupid Chester Taylor should have pulled it down, but instead popped it up into the air for an easy interception. An interception than not only put the game out of reach, but fucked my parlay bet of the Vikings +6. His fault or not I still have to blame this one on Favre.

The Saints trailed at halftime 10-24 to the Miami Parrtoheads Dolphins. However, the 2nd half was a totally different story as they came back to win 46-34. The Saints are either that good or the Dolphins are just good at blowing a 21 points lead. Probably a combination of the two. Those looking for a blueprint on how to blow a 21 point lead can use this game’s tape to formulate that sort of game plan. Saints, still undefeated. Dolphins, 2-4. Ted Ginn Jr., couldn’t catch a pass if his life depended on it. I mean, seriously they could make a Saw movie with him in it and make his life or death challenge catching footballs. He’d be dead in a matter of seconds.

Of course there were other games, but I am far too lazy to list them all. If you really want detailed analysis go read ESPN’s website or a newspaper.

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Morning After Pill: While You Were Drinking Edition

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous days sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…Looking at you hockey. Or simply because we’re too hungover

Baby Logic is very unhappy.
Baby Logic is very unhappy.

MLB
The Yankees failed to deliver the coup de grace last night as they lost 6-7 to the Angels of Anaheim. I spoke with Logic, our resident analyst on all things obnoxious New York. He assured me that the Yankees will take Game 6. He said some other stuff, but it was hard to hear over all the sobbing. Game 6 will take place Saturday night in New York. I, myself will not be watching as I have a previous engagement set with my liver and some sweaty men pounding the hell out of each other…Uh that didn’t sound gay or anything.

College Football
Gee golly whiz folks Bobby Bowden and the Florida State Seminoles have been having one hell of a season…And not in the good sort of way. The ‘Noles with their 2-4 record squared off last night against UNC. And believe me, FSU looked like a 2-4 team as they were down at one point by 18 points. Some way, some how, Bobby Bowden in all his infinite wisdom (ie dementia) was able to coach his team to a 30-27 victory. Okay maybe he didn’t per se, but the ‘Noles were able to get the W, which means only 1/2 of the media outlets this next week will talk about Bowden and how he should retire/be fired. Personally, who cares, just give the guy a headset that’s not plugged in. I doubt he’ll know the difference anyway. I mean, seriously, Alzheimer’s is a real bitch like that.

On a personal note my parlay hit with the Seminoles winning and the over coming in. It was a good night that did not involve ritualistic cutting or vomiting, so uh, hey go me.

In site news the weekend is almost here and we have plenty of exciting things in store here at the Gally Blog. Check back later today for the regularly scheduled F(*)(*)k ‘em Up Friday post, as well as our UFC 104 preview and predictions, with our special guest poster. Who might that be? You’ll have to check back to find out. I’ll give you a hint, it’s not an ice skating bear.

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Morning After Pill

The Morning After Pill is a recap of yesterdays sporting events. Some sports and teams are left out due to our lack of caring.

Sports? What sports?
Sports? What sports?

College Football

Pretty weak offering of college football last night. Colorado versus West Virginia? Wow awesome. I was so overwhelmed last night by that match-up that I had to drink half a bottle of whiskey just to fall asleep. West Virginia won 35-24.

In other college action that you probably care nothing about, unless you happened to wager on it, was Southern Miss at UAB. UAB was victorious 30-17.

Everyone’s favorite shit starting, sucker punching RB, LeGarrette Blount, may be reinstated. Or at least that’s what a sourceis saying. I totally think the NCAA should let this guy play. Blount has Bengals draft pick written all over him and I’d hate to see him miss out on that opportunity just because he punched some guy in the face. This doesn’t just need to happen. It has to happen. He could be the Starsky to the Bengals Hutch. The Yin to their Yang. Chris Henry could be this guy’s mentor. Talk about a Bro-mance.

Baseball

Hmmm baseball. Really? Well I guess I might as well mention it once before the playoffs. Expect me to refrain from uttering another word about baseball until either the Yankees, Red Sox, or Phillies get knocked out of the playoffs.

Detroit failed to lock down the AL Central yesterday as they lost to the Twins 8-3. The Tigers magic number is 2 and I could really care less. Best case scenario involves the Twins looking like they’ll clinch the Central, only to lose it at the very end. Bertstreet would be so pissed and I would be thoroughly amused.

Hockey

The 2009 NHL season kicked off. Yeah that’s all I got. If you’re so inclined to know the results of last night’s hockey match-ups check out Melt Your Face Off.

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The Morning After

Baseball
Uh…Baseball is still going on? Umm…Hey look a blue football field!

boisestatefield

College Football
College football made it’s triumphant return last night. And by triumphant I mean slightly anticlimatic…Except for…Well I’ll get to that… 

The early game on ESPN saw Steve Spurrier’s *cough* Douche *cough* South Carolina Gamecocks snickers take on the Wolf Pack of N.C. State. Saying this game was boring would be putting it mildly. I’ve seen late term abortions with more appeal…Damn I’ve been talking with Logic too much lately. Regardless, the Cocks of Game took this one 7-3.

Utah and Utah State battled for the Mormons’ enjoyment last night, with Utah winning 35-17. It’s almost like back in the days of the Roman Coliseum. But instead of Romans it’s Mormons. And instead of fights to the death or being mauled by a lion, it’s just football.

The late game on ESPN saw Oregon taking on Boise State. You might remember Boise State as a potential BCS buster over the last few seasons, as well as having one of the most hideous football fields in America. Blue turf? Really? I guess it actually gives people a reason to be interested in Idaho, albeit just for the color of their turf. Hey Idaho is also known for having potatoes! Yes makes wanking off motion, and I am known for not giving a shit. Boise State controlled this game for 4 quarters and took the win with a 19-8 finish.

Boise State’s To Do list for the next week should look like, 1) Work on field goals, because kicker, Kyle Brotzman,  went 1/3 last night missing a 29 yarder, and 2) Hold on to the football. They lost 3 fumbles and it almost was more. 

Oregon’s To Do list should look something like this, 1-5) Get new uniforms (underlined and circled a bunch of times). That whole, tribal looking duck wings on the shoulders are as cool looking as chicks wearing Ugg boots in the summer time.

 Am I forgetting anything else? Hmmm….Oh yeah this happened too.

Somebody is gonna to get suspended…Or signed by the Bengals….or maybe both. Hmmm..,

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It's never too late/early to start a rally

Easton put out a series of viral commercial’s promoting their new HitMatrix bat system. This video shows gives the motivational advice that you’re always MVP material when you take one for the team. Then the guys line up to get hit by Carlos Zambrano fastballs. I’m not convinced that Ron Stilanovich’s advice to just ,”Rub some dirt in it” will take the sting out a 95mph fastball, but what do I know I’m more of a competitive knitter.

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