Major Sports Media Rehashing Bland Criticism? Unthinkable!

This is an article about the current Minnesota Timberwolves General Manager, David Kahn. If you even peripherally follow the NBA, or masturbate to laminated pages of Bill Simmons’ self congratulatory books, than you have probably joined the rest of the major sports media in yelling “KAAAAHHHNNN!!!” and laughing about the Wolves signing Darko Milicic, drafting only PGs in 2009 and SFs in 2010, trading Al Jefferson low, and drafting a potentially franchise changing PG in Ricky Rubio, who OF COURSE will never come to a stupid place like Minnesota!

If you are that person, you’re also probably the same idiot that reads Rick Reilly religiously, really enjoys the new Transformer movies, thought Indian Jones 4 was the pinnacle of filmmaking, can’t wait for the next All-American Rejects album, think auto tuning is the greatest thing to happen to music ever, and cried when The Hills ended. In other words, you’re a complete moron who can’t think for yourself and I would like to tell you just how stupid and wrong you are. Because I obviously know better, you see.

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Tags: Another reason to hate the media, Bill Simmons, Minnesota Timberwolves, NBA, Needs more sexy, PJD, You stupid fucking NERDS!!
Category Ranting, Recent |

You Always Were The Perfect Fan

“Hence, it’s easier for original fans to dump on newer fans than to tolerate them and hope they advance the cause of whatever they like. I notice this every time I mention the UFC or poker — there’s this bizarre (and totally dismissive) backlash, as if I’m not allowed to watch those sports or even mention them because I’m not a real fan. Well, how do you become a real fan? By liking a sport without disliking the core people who like it. So it’s a self-perpetuating cycle, and as weird as this sounds, the original fans like it that way. It maintains their ownership of the product. When the product outgrows them (specifically in the case of a creative entity), that’s when the core fans start throwing around phrases like “jumped the shark” and “sold out,” mostly because they’re bitter it’s not just them and the product any more.”

-Bill Simmons, July 22^nd mailbag.

For all the Simmons bashing that goes on the Internet, here he actually hits on something that is probably bigger than he makes it sound. He called it something stupid (“The Cult of Status Quo”), but the real fan argument is one of my least favorite things in the sporting world. It invades bar arguments, destroys internet forums, and is among the things that makes Yahoo! comments unreadable. The entire idea is knuckle-draggingly stupid- but not because people get bitter and cry sell-out (Shockingly, there’s a difference between sports debate and debate over Simmons’ career). It’s stupid because there’s no good definition of a what true fan is, or should be.

For reference, let’s look at a few hypothetical fans.

Fan #1 is a nearly lifelong fan. The team was good in this fan’s youth, so fandom probably started as a bandwagon thing (kids do that stuff). The quality of the team diminished, but the fan remained, attended games whenever possible. Now the fan still follows closely, and is a decently active member of blogs devoted to the team…which mainly act as a support group. Also, owns multiple jerseys from different eras. Watches only some of the team’s games, but living out of market (and the crappiness of internet feeds) is the main reason for that.

Fan #2 (more…)

Tags: Bill Simmons, Fandom, Idiots, Puck Bunnies!, SHOOT, Unnecessary Backstreet Boys
Category Recent, Uncategorized |

This is news?!?

I'm about to listen to Advice Dog

When this time of year comes around, I typically get upset. I’m a Knicks fan, of course I’d get upset. I also don’t have any allegiance to a hockey team; so really…the time of year blows. It’s also the key in the argument to why the lower 2 sports (basketball and hockey) can’t keep up with the top 2 (baseball and football). As a self-proclaimed sports writer, this time gets VERY boring. The most interesting stories come from free agent signings or spring training, though when you look at it, it’s pretty f*cking boring.

For example, let’s take a look at the two stories that caught my eye today Stephen Strasburg had his debut for the Nationals in Spring training. Yeah, he did good. That’s great. It’s actually leaps and bounds better than any other recently drafted player in the last decade because typically, you wouldn’t even hear about the lil fella until 5-6 years later when he hits Triple A and a starter goes down with an injury. So I guess, congrats to him? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?!? In related spring sports news, a college lacrosse player gelled his hair and wore a visor to a bar exclaiming he’s “Gonna Ben Roethlisberger a biddy tonight”.

Probably the bigger news is that two ESPN related personalities are fighting! No, not with fists. With words. *YAWN* I can’t believe I can even stay awake typing this. I just think it’s ironic that we are even calling them personalities to begin with. Olbermann is the stereotypical celebrity who goes “I’m really good at X, so I’m going to go try to do Y” like other annoying people such as Tila Tequila, Chad Ochocinco and Jose Conseco. Olbermann is qualified to talk about sports, I’ll give him that. Not politics. Al Franken was even like “Whoa, homeboy. This ain’t you”. On the other hand, Simmons is “Joe Sportsfan” who gives opinions from the heart sphincter. Comparing Tiger Woods to Muhammad Ali is like saying “Logic got thrown off the train for calling fat, overconfident women “whores”.” He’s having a Rosa Parks-like struggle with today’s media like Twitter.” Pardon me if that sentence had spelling errors. It’s tough to type while doing this:

I Dismissive Wank All Over This Post

Well, that’s it. That is all that is happening. I guess College Basketball is picking up but in reality the expanded the tourny to 96 teams, so that means it pushes the deadline of caring back another month and a half. For now, just enjoy the meme that the Deadspin commenters gave you on that Simmons/KO post. Here’s mine:

“I’ve given up drugs. This isn’t why I got into sports-writing”

-Hunter S. Thompson

/fake

Tags: Bill Simmons, Keith Olbermann, Stephen Strasburg
Category News |