Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Tuesday July 19th 2011

Posts Tagged ‘Brett Favre does deserve a dick kicking’

I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Doesn’t Watch the Second Half of the Skins-Vikings Game

Sometimes in life, we have to make choices. This past Sunday, when given the choice of watching the second half of the Skins-Vikings game or drinking copious amounts of margaritas before the Capitals-Hurricanes game with friends I only see a couple times a year — on their tab — I took the free booze and company. Yes, the game was even on where I was, but I chose to mostly ignore it. Feel free to question my fandom all you want; I think I got the good end of this one. And I still felt The Burn when I got back to Chicago.

As for the game itself, well I can’t comment much on a game I really didn’t watch. Lots of fans and media types are saying that Perry Riley’s illegal block on the Skins’ best player by far, Brandon Banks’, would-be punt return touchdown cost the Skins the game. Correct me if I’m wrong, but if the Vikings kneeled down on the Skins’ 15 to end the game, they would have at least kicked a FG to force OT had Banks’ touchdown counted. So fuck that shit! Also, any team incapable of intercepting Brett Favre deserves two losses, not just one. We go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump.


Popularity: 1% [?]


I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Titans Game

And by “laff,” I mean Cockburn! And what an apt scene headed into Thanksgiving American Thanksgiving.

Anyway, hey Tennessee, we won the game of horseshoes! Now you owe us a watermelon! I’m actually halfway impressed with this game. The Skins still suck, but I expected them to roll over the rest of the season like they did for the Eagles and they actually put forth a professional effort befitting a team that was embarrassed by their previous game. Sure, the Skins were helped dramatically by the ineptitude of Vince Young and the way more suckiness of Rusty Smith, but I’ll take it. When an entire bar is chanting the name of Rusty Smith, cheering for him to pass when he’s on offense because they’re A) expecting an interception and B) that means no Chris Johnson, that says something. It’s also nice to not be the team making national headlines for internal turmoil for once. Anyway, let’s go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump.


Popularity: 1% [?]


Logic v. Ape

Here’s the deal. When I came on board at The Gally Blog we had a meeting of the minds and I had 2 main ideas to start the website off. The first is in the works.. the other? Well I’ll let you watch the promo:


(video credit and another interview)

Mike Tunison or “Christmas Ape” of just about any sports blog that is worth talking about (Most notably, Kissing Suzy Kolber) came out with a book, The Football Fan’s Manifesto (Click the Link to Buy it). And I just had to be an annoying douche and make Ape take time out of his busy day of ripping wings off of Ravens to answer some questions for our blog. This is how it went:

Logic: Before we get into the book, I admire that you were a journalist before becoming a full time blogger, do you think you have an edge because you know about sentence structure and how to format ideas into something legible? If so, you think you’re better’n me?

ChristmasApe: Having a major that involved writing often and concisely didn’t hurt. That said, if initially picking a professional field where there are no jobs is supposed to have given me a leg up, then, yeah, I crushed it.

Logic: Are there any hard feelings toward the Washington Post? Or do you think that the whole situation amplified your fame as an internet celebrity?

Ape: That fact that I wasn’t able to leave on my own terms still bugs me sometimes, but I don’t find myself missing the job a whole lot. It got me a decent amount of exposure, which has helped. At the same time, girls I’ll meet will Google me and give me a hard time for the parrot photo, so it’s a double-edged sword, I guess.

Oh. This Parrot Pic?
Oh. This Parrot Pic?

Logic: I read your interview with The Diamondback, still no love on the Wikipedia, huh?

Ape: Guess not. I am mentioned on the Kissing Suzy Kolber Wikipedia page. Still, suppose I have to sack up and admit failure in life for not having my own entry. And here I thought I was doing so well. [Shakes fist at heavens] One dayyyyyyy!

Logic: It’s ok buddy. My page comes up as a math equation. Alright let’s switch gears and talk about this book that I’ve never heard about from any of the blogs that you’ve written for (/sarcasm). The Football Fan’s Manifesto? Those other guys seem to be giving you a hard time about book whoring, are you paying them to wash your Benz now?

Ape: After Drew’s onslaught of book whoring, the other KSK writers barely even noticed my book whoring blitz. Still, gotta get the word out there however possible. The mainstream media outlets don’t tend to pay much mind to sports books written by bloggers.

Logic: Why do you think main stream media hasn’t taken to sports books written by sports bloggers? It seems just as legit as a player writing it or an analyst. I always say ESPN analysts are overpaid bloggers.

Ape: MSM outlets don’t want to legitimize bloggers who are stealing readers from them. Also, they have a misguided notion that most of what they do is more worthwhile than what we do simply because their employer has been around longer or has more prestige. Even if it’s often similar content.

Logic: I would even go as far to say that we have the upper hand because we are passionate for what we write about. Many of us even being volunteers and not just writing for a paycheck. Well, I’ve read the book and thoroughly enjoyed it. I was surprised you even had something nasty to say about the Steelers when you bashed every team. Was it hard?

Ape: I tried to be a little even-handed. The content is already masturbatory enough. Making it completely homerific too would be a little overkill. Still, I get plenty of extra hate in on teams I dislike.

Logic: I’m a Giants fan, I enjoy winning and have had a decent amount of success with this franchise, granted it’s not as much as the Steelers but would you rather have never even know the sport of football or be a Lions fan?

Ape: I’m friends with a couple Lions fans, bless their beaten down hearts. They maintain a healthy level interest in the league as a whole, all the better to not focus on your own team. Actually, they still manage to get excited at the start of every year, which can probably be attributed to severe megatardation. Either way, I can see a benefit to it – you can wryly dissect the rest of the league without riding the emotional roller coaster that mostly ends up in disappointment, since you know your team is going to lose anyway.

Logic: So what’s your choice? Lions or no NFL? There’s a gun to a loved one’s head.

Ape: Lions fan. Can’t live without the NFL in some capacity. Plus with the use of garbage bags, I’d save tons on my hat and haircut budget.

Logic: Imagine that there is an Eagles fan and a Ravens fan with you. In a room. There is one gun and one bullet. What do you do?

Ape: I’d shoot the Eagles fan and pistol whip the Ravens fan. Have to keep him alive so he can see his team lose to the Steelers three times a year.

Logic: Wow! I think I would’ve shot myself in that scenario. Kudos for doing your homework and being a hateful man. By the way mister, I really didn’t appreciate that championship lacrosse team crack. You know, I was on a championship lacrosse team in 2006 right? Well every girl in the tri-state knows…

Ape: You must have a bitching collection of visors. And STD’s.

Logic: Well, visors… not so much… Next question! Do you think fantasy football is good for the regular NFL fan?

Ape: Sure. It’s another element of drama. Granted, it can create some minor issues with rooting interest, but with a little mental disconnect, anyone can compartmentalize fantasy away from their actual fan interests. It also makes most fans more knowledgeable about the game. And God knows there are enough fuckwit fans out there already.

Logic: Alright, this question was debated amongst my friends the other day. Can one truly be a fan of a team without going to at least 1 live game a year? If no, how do they make it up?

Ape: I think that’s fine. Going to games is expensive and not everyone can swing it. At least try to make some social outings with your fandom, if possible. Like a team’s local bar, if possible. Or at least vandalize one rival fan’s car per year.

Logic: Hear that kids? If you don’t get arrested for criminal mischief, Aaron Rodgers won’t throw touchdowns. Ok, Can you give us your All-Douche Team? (at least the skill players, lineman aren’t true people)

Ape: Brett Favre, Philip Rivers, LenDale White, Cedric Benson, Terrell Owens, Brandon Marshall, Jeremy Shockey, Vince Wilfork, Albert Haynesworth, Leonard Little, Jared Allen, Ray Lewis, Brian Urlacher, Joey Porter, Terrell Suggs, DeAngelo Hall, Roy Williams

Logic: Brian Urlacher is a douche?

Ape: Dude slept with Paris Hilton. Only a certified douche would risk themselves for that beanpole with the vapid mind and cocktail of STDs.

Logic: Ok, you can fuck one, marry one and kill one. Erin Andrews, Suzy Kolber or Pam Oliver.

Ape: Guess I gotta fuck Erin Andrews because she’s the only one of the three who’s not at least 45. Marry Kolber, because you gotta keep the Matron Saint honest. Sadly gotta kill Oliver. Don’t have the problems with her the others seem to, but a woman turning 50 in two years loses out in this equation each time.

Logic: I think I’d have switch Suzy and Andrews. Andrews looks like a good cook. You definitely have to kill Oliver. She wants a black quarterback more than anything in her life. You can see it in her eyes when she interviews David Garrard. Anyway, I laughed pretty hard about the Girlfriend Wonderlic Test. How important is this and how many girls did you have to dump just to get one with a good score?

Ape: I don’t know, maybe I’m lucky, but I haven’t had a lot of difficulty finding women who are knowledgeable about sports. Still, for a guy who makes his living writing out of his apartment, turning away attractive and willing women for their football acumen probably isn’t the smartest move. There, YOU’VE SHIT HOLES IN MY SATIRE BOOK!

Logic: Couldn’t be. I haven’t shit solid in a decade. Alcoholism is a bitch. Lastly, any closing comments for the fans and potential book buyers?

Ape: Every time someone buys my book, Brett Favre gets placekicked in the dick. Crotch on the kicking tee and everything. Okay, maybe not true, but at least if someone placekicks him in the dick, I’ll give them a signed copy of the book.

Logic: Hear that? Brett Favre AND dick kicking. It’s like Jesus in paper form. I would like to thank Ape for taking the time to answer my shitty and annoying emails.

Gally: Don’t worry Ape, we’ll make a Wikipedia page for you.

Popularity: 1% [?]


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