Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Saturday November 26th 2011

Posts Tagged ‘Brett Favre’

I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Titans Game

And by “laff,” I mean Cockburn! And what an apt scene headed into Thanksgiving American Thanksgiving.

Anyway, hey Tennessee, we won the game of horseshoes! Now you owe us a watermelon! I’m actually halfway impressed with this game. The Skins still suck, but I expected them to roll over the rest of the season like they did for the Eagles and they actually put forth a professional effort befitting a team that was embarrassed by their previous game. Sure, the Skins were helped dramatically by the ineptitude of Vince Young and the way more suckiness of Rusty Smith, but I’ll take it. When an entire bar is chanting the name of Rusty Smith, cheering for him to pass when he’s on offense because they’re A) expecting an interception and B) that means no Chris Johnson, that says something. It’s also nice to not be the team making national headlines for internal turmoil for once. Anyway, let’s go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump.

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Forget the Bucket, What was in Favre’s Ankle? – Meme Edition

While I may simply be rehashing Purple Jesus Diaries stuff, I am doing so for a reason, that being because the people that read The Gally Blog – like yourself! – are way fucking funnier than those who read my site. So I’m counting on you, assholes! – PJD

http://purplejesus.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/sadfavre005.jpg

Brett Favre is old. Really old. I mean, Brett Favre is so old, only the Nile River remembers his 20th birthday! :drumroll: … He’s also rickety, and when you put old and rickety together that’s not usually a very good combination. You usually end up with things like foreclosed homes, the Parthenon, or Sharon Stone’s vagina. BOOM ROASTED. Or you end up with things like Brett Favre’s ankle which, apparently after only two preseason games and a total of, what, 10 series, is already an issue for Favre. In the lofty writer Peter King’s most recent Monday Morning Quarterback column, he writes:

After his so-so eight series Saturday night on the hard floor of Mall of America Field …, Favre went into the trainers’ room in the Vikes’ locker room and got an injection of lubricant in the left ankle that has three times been operated on to remove loose bodies. “Like a grease fitting,” he said.

Noted orthopedist Dr. James Andrews did the most recent surgery May 22, with an interested party in the operating theater: Deanna Favre. “They took out a cup full of stuff — bone and all these other loose bodies,” Brett Favre said Saturday night.

A cup full of stuff. Re-read that and consider taking a cup full of stuff out of any place on your own body, let alone your ankle. That’s fucking sick. But that’s not all. Do you want to know what was in that cup that was full of random items from Brett Favre’s ankle? Of course you do. More details then after the jump …

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The Roast of Brett Favre

Relax, he's not really dead. Not for a lack of hopeful thinking though.
Relax, he's not really dead. Not for a lack of hopeful thinking though.

Logic: Hello, I’m Logic and I’ll be your Roastmaster General tonight. I welcome you all, and for those of you that don’t know, this is the Brett Favre Roast. Or Roast of Brett Favre. Whatever. It’s more like a cremation, anyway. You old bastard. If you try to take a dive and give one of the Giants a sack record this year, Osi Umenyiora might re-injure his leg on your walker. Do you think it’s weird that you could be Josh McDaniel’s daddy? It must have been weird with Eric Mangini last year, huh? So that means you were basically Rommel? Man, going to the Jets was such a bad career move. The last time I saw someone ruin their legacy that fast an 11 year-old ripped off Michael Jackson’s nose in self-defense. What the hell were you thinking? You have this amazing streak of playing all these games through injury, but people don’t realize that you were bad in half of those games. Yeah. Congrats on having one good season, Brett. No, I don’t want to hear it. You won one Super Bowl. You’re like a Trent Dilfer that couldn’t take the hint.

[camera shoots to Trent Dilfer chuckling like a bald idiot.]

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Brett Favre Update: He’s Coming Back

I’d rather be working my land… /hand wank motion

During the Pro Football Hall of Fame induction ceremony and speeches on Saturday night the NFL Network broadcast managed to tastelessly work in what has been dubbed a “Favre-watch update.” Rich Eisen introduced the short segment with a splash screen and the horn sound played at Vikings’ games. Rich approaches each Favre-watch update with his tongue appropriately in his cheek. I think Eisen has found the perfect balance on covering Favre. He knows he has to talk about every turn of Favre’s waffling, but he also realizes what a circus it is. Props to Mr. Eisen for finding a good balance. I have enjoyed Rich on NFL Network much more than I ever did on Sportscenter.

On to the actual “news” if you can call it that. The “source” for the update on Favre was Steve Mariucci who received a text message or two from Favre earlier in the day. I  can’t stand name-droppers. I put “source” in quotes since Mariucci is just another pawn on Brett Favre’s chessboard, and he only gets fed information that the ol’ dong picture-slinger wants to get out to the media. O, now’s a perfect time to look at the tasty broad to which Favre allegedly texted pictures of his dick. Yeh, I said tasty broad.

Jenn Sterger hot sexy tits other search keywords ha cha cha

Someone needs to tell her to speak up on her show on Versus, The Daily Line. She was low-talking during the whole show that I saw. The only reason I watched was because the illustrious Drew Magary was on the show via web cam that doubles as a Chatroulette masturbation tool in the evenings. I have to say I was a little disappointed in Drew’s performance considering he is the best blogger drawing breath. He was still good, just not as hilarious as I had hoped. Maybe they didn’t give him enough time to prepare. O wait, I’m doing a Favre-watch update. I got a little rabbit-trailed there

The text Mariucci received from Favre said that “his arm feels great.” We can infer from that Favre’s arm feels great. Also in the text Favre said that his “conditioning is good, but he can’t run without pain in his ankle.” Brett also revealed he’s “trying to come back.” Well, no crap. I think we have all been operating under that assumption. I know that we here at The Gally Blog have been. He’s coming back after the third preseason game, people. We’ve known this all along. Favre has another appointment with Dr. James Andrews next week. How rich must that guy be with every athlete going to see him for their every orthopedic need?

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The Morning After Pill – 6/15

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling.  Today’s edition has been crafted by WSR, meaning the paper drafts reek of tears and whiskey. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com

FIFA World Cup

FROM THIS MORNING: Slovakia 1 New Zealand 1

From Yesterday: Italy 1 Paraguay 1.  Stupid thieving flopping wops stole a point.

Japan 1 Camaroon Nil

Netherlands 2 Denmark 0 .  We’re all winners when these two countries play, and I’m not talking about anything that happens on the pitch, either.

NHL

At least the draft is coming soon.

MLB

The Minnesota Twins did not play.

St. Louis 9 Seattle 3

Milwaukee 12 Los Angeles Angels 2

Toronto 6 San Diego 3

San Francisco 10 Baltimore 2

I hate interleague play more than any of you could ever imagine.  If I could find a way to simultaneously kill Bud Selig and Gary Bettman at the same time but it would cost me an arm, I’d get ready to adjust to life with a flipper.

NFL

Brett Favre didn’t do anything.  He also didn’t not do anything.

College Football

It looks like the conference change merry-go-round is coming to a screeching halt.  I have something in the works on this.  I’ll just say this now: yesterday I compared what the Big XII is doing to putting a band-aid on a mortar wound.

NBA

The NXT rookies were at it again last night, but they were repelled by pretty much everyone in the WWE.  At the end of they show, they attacked Canadian Prime Minister Brett Hart.

I’m sorry, I seem to be confusing my athletic entertainment leagues that are fixed.

Redhead (more…)

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Minnesota Sports Teams a Haven for Geriatric Athletes

Damn, how sick are you of reading about Minnesota sports teams? I would guess probably about as sick as I am of them losing. Since you probably pay more attention than you want to towards them though, and since I am burdened with having to follow these ass hats throughout the years, I have stumbled upon an interesting trend that has reared it’s ugly head in this hat state (you know, the hat on the Iowa man? … ah forget it). Namely, Minnesota has become the landing sport for aging athletes that have nowhere else to go. Why? Because we’ll pay them what they’re not worth, I guess, but also because the other, typically better, teams have more expensive young talent that has replaced these old saggy balled athletes. Look no further than Brett Favre in the Vikings 2009 season and before him their complete lack of established young quarterback talent. And with the signing this past week of Jim Thome to the Minnesota Twins, this trend has taken on a new life in a different local franchise.

So I’m left to wonder, who will Minnesota sign next? I have my suspect list after the jump.

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NFC Championship Preview

NFC Championship

First of all, I’d like to thank First Derivative of the Phoenix Pub for the idea and for including me in his AFC Preview yesterday. Secondly I’d like to say thanks to PJD and Cajunboy for their participation. I had a few more writers lined up but because it was last minute they pulled out.

I had asked our guests the following questions:
A)Key to the game
B)What could be the other teams key to success
C)Your secret weapon/x-factor
D)Something you’d like to see happen
E)What do you think will happen/final score

PJD:

kim-kardashian-vikings
Before I jump into a preview from, unfortunately, a Vikings fan perspective on the NFC Championship game, I would like to first clear up some common misconceptions about the fans of our team. First, while the majority of our fans are overweight, so is the rest of America. The fans I know are mostly skinny nerds, which isnn’t any better, but does bring the fat average down. Second, we don’t all like having Favre on our team. Sure, we’re to blame for not shaking more fists at management for bringing him in this season, but it was hard to continue to shake vigorously when the Vikings jumped out to a 10-1 record. Still don’t like him though. Finally, being considered a fly over state by dickheads on either coast has given ever resident here an obnoxious inferiority complex that has thus stretched to our sports teams. There is zero confidence in any big game opportunities, but you know what? Surprisingly most fans have gone all in this year. We’re ready to beat the Saints, and here’s how.

A) The key to a Vikings win is going to be found in the front four and the ability for the Three Men and a Mullet to at least pressure, if not sack and maim, Drew Brees. This will be no easy task, as Breesus was only sacked 20 times this season and six times in the last six games. For reference, he’s gone down less frequently than your wife in the past six years. Brees isn’t terribly mobile though, and if the Vikings front four can press a surprisingly stout Saints offensive line they’ll have a chance to stop Brees and the Saints offense. Really, you ask? Well sure. Last week the Cowboys, alleged hottest team in the NFL, went to Minnesota and found their rascally rabbit of a quarterback, Tony Romo, running from a certain death due to the Vikings front four pressure. With the Vikings playing on the same type of speed assisting turf in the Superdome and crowd noise not being a factor for the defense, the pressure should still be there. The only concern should be for those who popped up on the injury report this week for the Vikings, both Ray Edwards and Kevin Williams. Both will play, but will be at less than 100%. So will I though, because I’ll be schmasted.

B) With that being said, if Brees starts getting on a roll the Vikings will get horned in the ass. As obvious as it seems to say, the Saints still live and die with Mr. Mole Face. When Drew strikes early to his myriad of weapons, teams are forced to play catch up, which allows for NFC North retread Darren Sharper to play opportunistic defense. Facing a deficit of 14 or more points for the Vikings will be devastating, and for the Saints, only Drew Brees can get them to that point. Why not play even Stevens and have the Saints run the ball? Because the Vikings are still stout up front, despite a seasonal dip in comparison to years prior, and why would you take the ball out of Brees’ hands? Only Vikings’ coach Brad Childress would be that stupid. /sigh.

C) Viking fans’ kilts (they wear kilts, right? I don’t know) were all in a bunch this week when the injury report indicated that stand out rookie Percy Harvin was suffering from his reoccurring migraines again and his status for Sunday was in question. That momentary wedgie loosened Saturday when left tackle Bryant McKinnie shared a video on Twitter of Harvin getting ready to take the team plane down to New Orleans. With Harvin apparently good to go, he provides the major X-Factor (not comic book related) in this game. While people have been talking about Reggie Bush’s game last week as well as his stellar outing against the Vikings in 2008, Harvin is being overlooked. Why? Couldn’t tell you. While Bush has made an effort to be unimpressive throughout his NFL career, Harvin has gone the opposite route and has pimp slapped the league in his rookie year. All season he has been critical in providing the Vikings with great field position and has served as a third down outlet for the Land Baron to look at. Also, the potential for match up headaches (migraines?) is fantastic when Harvin is in the game, and the Saints don’t have a defender that can stop him. If Percy plays to his ability, he drastically changes the dynamics of the game.

D) All the attention for this game has been placed on the quarterbacks and offenses, and for good reason. Favre and Brees are two of the best this year as they lead offensives ranked second and first in point totals, respectively. But most of this has been through the air. What I would love to see though, just once more even if it’s only for old time’s sake, would be for Adrian “Purple Jesus” Peterson to take over a football game again and grind it out on the ground. People seem to think he’s had a bad year since he hasn’t topped 100 yards in a game since week 10 against Detroit, but Peterson hasn’t really had to do much this year with Favre around. He’s still topped 1,300 yards and pulled in 18 touchdowns. Uh, I’ll take that any year from a running back. Regardless, fans and media people alike are still clamoring for a vintage Purple Jesus type of game. If the Vikings offensive line decides to let their testicles drop and open up some holes for Peterson, and Peterson decides to not fumble the ball and keep the offense on the field, the Saints will be hard pressed to score points in their limited possessions and beat the Vikings. Wait, is that a Maddenism?

E) I hate trying to pick this game because I know it’s going to be a classic. These two teams are evenly matched almost across the board, so trying to determine winners based off match ups seems stupid and pompous. Luckily, I’m just stupid, so let’s look at some stupid facts. No team that has lost their last three games of the regular season (Saints) has won a Super Bowl. Not since 1993 have two number one seeded playoff teams faced each other in the Super Bowl either. The Colts are going to castrate the Jets, so history favors the Vikings. Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if the NFL rigs a Favre-Manning Super Bowl. Shit would be epic, and everyone would be cheering for the Colts. Except for me. There’s a feeling around my part of the country that the sins from the Vikings 1998 season (NFC Championship game against the Falcons, anyone?) are going to be exercised this weekend and that if the Vikings can keep things close going into the fourth quarter, that attention whore Favre will work some magic to pull out a win that sends the Vikings to the Super Bowl. It’ll be an entertaining game for sure, and since I was asked to actually make a pick, I will throw out a 27-23 Vikings win. Let the booing commence.BooThisMan

Cajunboy:

A)Key to the game for the Saints…The key to the game for the Saints is containing Adrian Peterson. Our run defense has been our greatest defensive weakness down the stretch and if they’re able to run the ball effectively, it eats the clock and keeps our offense off the field, and frankly that’s the best defense against the Saints offensive attack.

B)What could be the other teams key to success if they’re able to pull it off…Besides running the ball effectively, pressuring the hell out of Drew Brees. If they can fluster Drew a bit and force him into making some mistakes, which he doesn’t often do, we may be toast.

C)Your secret weapon/x-factor…I think the fact that one of our safeties, Darren Sharper, played for Minnesota for the past few seasons before coming to us, in addition to playing with Favre for 8 seasons in Green Bay prior to that, could play a big factor in slowing them down when they throw the ball. You be hard-pressed to find a defensive player in the NFL with more insight into how to defend Brett Favre.

D)Something you’d like to see happen…I’d like to see Darren Sharper return an interception for a touchdown, or I’d love to see Reggie Bush return a punt for a touchdown. But ultimately, I just want to see us win.

E)What do you think will happen/final score…Saints 34, Vikings 27. A nailbiter.
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The Morning After Pill: berstreet Edition 2.0

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the goings on in the sporting world. Certain teams and sports are left out due to either lack of caring or an extreme hangover. Maybe a weak hangover also, we’re kind of soft like that.

Lucky for you, you get my version of the MAP again!  I know you couldn’t wait.  But I’m at work, so let’s get this show on the road, shall we?

NFL: The Giants got destroyed by the Saints.  Who saw that one coming?!  I know Logic didn’t.  Neither did I, or I would’ve started Reggie Bush in my fantasy league.  The Titans…I mean, is someone going to contract them?  Can teams get contracted in the NFL like they can the MLB?  59-0 is super embarrassing.  They should probably just forfeit the season and hope for better luck/coaching/players/management/a new rabbit’s foot next year.  The Cards did a pretty good job against a skeletal Seattle team.  Big ups to my boy Fitz for getting me a good chunk of points 2 weeks in a row.  Then we have my beloved Vikings who did not win that game – The Ravens BLEW IT.  I seriously laughed out loud at an ESPN.com headline I saw yesterday that said, “Favre’s Late Heroics End Ravens Rally.” Whatever simpleton wrote that should be fired.  Or buy new eyes.  Or something.  I was at the game, and the 1st quarter was awesome; it was fun, it was electric.  Then the rest of the game happened.  My favorite parts were when B’more just kind of sauntered into the endzone for a couple easy TDs.  Our only saving grace, apparently, is how loud we were booing and screaming.  So loud, in fact, that my friend told me the announcers on TV were annoyed with us.  Whatev…the Ravens choked, and we’re 6-0.  I don’t care about the rest of the games.  Sorry.

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The Roast of Brett Favre

Relax, he's not really dead. Not for a lack of hopeful thinking though.
Relax, he's not really dead. Not for a lack of hopeful thinking though.

Logic: Hello, I’m Logic and I’ll be your Roastmaster General tonight. I welcome you all, and for those of you that don’t know, this is the Brett Favre Roast. Or Roast of Brett Favre. Whatever. It’s more like a cremation, anyway. You old bastard. If you try to take a dive and give one of the Giants a sack record this year, Osi Umenyiora might re-injure his leg on your walker. Do you think it’s weird that you could be Josh McDaniel’s daddy? It must have been weird with Eric Mangini last year, huh? So that means you were basically Rommel? Man, going to the Jets was such a bad career move. The last time I saw someone ruin their legacy that fast an 11 year-old ripped off Michael Jackson’s nose in self-defense. What the hell were you thinking? You have this amazing streak of playing all these games through injury, but people don’t realize that you were bad in half of those games. Yeah. Congrats on having one good season, Brett. No, I don’t want to hear it. You won one Super Bowl. You’re like a Trent Dilfer that couldn’t take the hint.

[camera shoots to Trent Dilfer chuckling like a bald idiot.]

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Farve-apalooza is upon us.


Brett Favre is playing football tonight? Against the Green Bay Packers? His old team? You don’t say. This comes as a complete and utter surprise to me. This is fairly big news! Why hasn’t the NFL and media been hyping this up? Oh wait, they have been….non-stop. Whether it be during sporting events such as college football, baseball, or sex with my wife, the story of Favre playing his old team has been on repeat for the last week or so.

In a snarky self-righteous tone Did you know Brett Favre has beaten every team in the NFL, except for the Green Bay Packers?

Hey, did you know I could give a flying fuck?

Granted some people are excited as hell for this game. Peter King no doubt will be sitting nude in his living room this evening with a pallet of Kit Kats on one side, an industrial sized container of lube/lotion on the other and enough Kleenex to block out the sun.

Tony Kornheiser will probably be announcing the game in his living room, by himself. In between stating random Favre facts and crying spells about how he wished he was in the booth to call this game live, he will dress his pets in Favre jerseys and send random text messages to Jon Gruden about how jealous he is.

For me this is just another game. One with no real impact on my life, but one I will definitely be watching. One I’ll be watching, but with the TV on MUTE. There’s something overly creepy about hearing a bunch of grown men verbally sex up another guy. It reminds me too much of going to Sunday school when I was a kid…

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