Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Tuesday July 19th 2011

Posts Tagged ‘Buffalo Bills’

Bills Fandom: You Aren’t Jealous

“We want to get things turned around, but at the same time it’s football teams with grown men laughing at other grown men on the football field. That happened to us in the ball game last week and it happens every time we play New England.”

-Donte Whitner, Bills SS

That quote appeared under the headline “Donte Whitner tired of Bills being laughingstocks” on PFT yesterday. The Bills have been outscored by 32 points in two games, both of which they’ve lost. They haven’t made the playoffs since the Music City Forward Lateral. I’ve been a Bills fan as long as I can possibly remember- Norwood’s kick might be my earliest sports related memory- and I like to think that I’m more rational than most.

Now that that’s out of the way, YOU’RE tired of it Donte? You are? Really? You just play for the damn team and cash paycheck equivalent to my annual salary every week. Being a Bills fan is like being punched in the groin without the promise that the fist will eventually remove itself from you. We draft a RB- a position at which we had two decent starters- with the number 9 pick, name him the starter week 1…and put him third on the depth chart by week 2. Nevermind that the pick was sold to the fan base as “he’s a playmaker” and with an implication of “we have a plan for him”, clearly, no one knew what in the world they were doing. So rather than draft any OL, a real #2 reciever, a QB, DL, LBs or ANYONE AT A POSITION OF REMOTE NEED, we draft a “playmaker” at #9 who had ONE touch last week. One. Uno. Un.

And while we’re on wasted draft picks, Donte, how about we cover you? You were the 8th pick in the draft four years ago. In those four years, as a safety, you have amassed five fewer interceptions than Jarius Byrd has in his career. Jarius, by the way, was a second round pick LAST FREAKING YEAR. And he missed the last two games of the season. If there was an embodiment as to why this team is a laughingstock, you would be at the top of the list, if only because the others on that list aren’t on the team- or any team, for that matter.

It’s not just when the Bills play New England either. I knew the Bills were a joke when people stopped making fun of me for being a fan. People treat me like my puppy just got run over. “Oh, you’re a Bills fan?…oh, dear, honey, come inside and I’ll make you some cocoa. Do you like Spongebob? I’ll put on Spongebob…” At least the Lions have some excitement- they actually let their rookie running back loose, for better or for worse. Are they 0-2? Absolutely. Would I rather be a Lions fan? As much as I’d rather be paid to write. There’s a glimmer of hope for Lions fans. They have a QB, RB and WR of the future. They have a DT that may actually kill a man on the field just to watch him die. They have players that I would like to watch and that will probably be good someday. The Bills have a Mediocrity Day Parade at QB, where it doesn’t matter where the carousel lands, because the difference between the guy Madden rates at a 75 isn’t much better than the guy rated a 73. And if it’s that close, maybe the preseason should have been a QB competition instead of a coronation for Trent Edwards, who is shockingly not Jim Kelly (for this revelation, I should obviously be in the scouting department). I’m sure Fitzpatrick is the answer though. Until they yank him for Brohm in two weeks. And then back to Edwards. Meanwhile, the Bills will be 0-8 and more unwatchable than normal.

Chan Gailey will play conservative because he thinks its the best way to keep the game close, and he’s right to a point. But 0-16 with a few losses by single-digits is not a moral victory. I would rather the team go 1-15 by playing balls-to-the-wall football like cocaine-ravaged chipmunks and losing the 15 games by an average of 53 points…just to win that one game. There is not the talent on that roster to play not to lose. Hell, grab Herm Edwards and just have him scream “YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME” all game long. Don’t even call plays. It’s not like you can be much worse.

People ask me how I can still root for this team. The owner says he cares, but is too set in his ways to change now. The team sucks to a degree that Hoover won’t sponsor them (they don’t want to look bad in comparison). The stadium is closer in age to my father than it is to me. The best thing I can say about it is that there’s no bandwagon fans left- it’s a very pure fanbase (think of it as the polar opposite of Red Sox/Steeler Nations). I’ll never stop loving the Buffalo Bills. But at some point, you wonder if they’ll ever figure out how to circle the wagons.

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Bullet Points: Rebirth

I’m repurposing the old Bullet Points thing to be in the vein of Peter King’s Things I Think I Think or Orson Swindle Spencer Hall’s Alphabetical. You know, except not as annoying as the former and not as awesome as the latter.

The Saints Aren’t The Greatest Show On Turf but I wouldn’t say that’s a bad thing. The offense is still weapon-laden, but against the Vikes and Niners, they’ve been only effective. As long as they have a defense to match (and an entire city of Dr. Facilier-types), I wouldn’t worry. Except for fantasy owners of Drew Brees. Such as myself. So it goes. I just know that I’m done picking them to beat a spread any time soon.

Thank The Deity Of Your Choice I Can’t Watch The Bills Here because we’re going to go with a QB change in Week 3. I’m sorry- Joe Montana would be ineffective without an O-line, a number 2 reciever, a set starter at RB, and continuity in the coaching ranks. I don’t disagree that Trent Edwards is, in fact, not a good starting QB. But Ryan Fitzpatrick isn’t either. And a lot of the problems with the team have been largely due to odd playcalling (Uh, that guy you drafted #9 overall? You might want to play him. You even named him the starter.) not directly to QB play. This is a cosmetic change at best- and if you’re in a suicide pool, take the Pats this week. If you’re a betting man/lady/manlady, take the Pats regardless of the line and just give me 5% so I can buy enough whiskey to get through another miserable Bills season.

It's what's for dinner. And breakfast. And hell, everything else.

How Are The ACC And Big East Still AQ Conferences in the BCS? They have a combined two (TWO!) teams in the AP Top 25. Granted, it’s early- and I don’t doubt that Bill Stewart will pull a bowl win out of his kiester and look like he’s in an old Keystone Light ad in the process- but it’s ridiculous that a four-loss Pitt team could go to a better bowl than a one or two loss Utah. And while we’re here- would we dock Da U for playing in the ACC if they had gone undefeated this season? I don’t think so, which is why it’s a crime that Boise State stands no chance of getting in the title game.

That Said, The BCS Title Game Would Be The Worst possible outcome for Boise. This seems to be a stupidly top-heavy year in the NCAA- basically Alabama, then tOSU………..then Boise. The first two are just playing much better football than anyone else. If one of them falters in league play and everything holds, we have a title game of Boise vs. tOSU/Alabama. If the disparity is what it seems like, then Boise gets run over and suddenly the cause of mid-majors gets set back another 10 years. This isn’t the best team Boise has had, and it would be a shame to let it get the showcase now if it went predictably.

Scratch That- getting stuck with TCU for another year would be the worst possible outcome.

Word Is That Ohio University’s Mascot Planned His Attack on Brutus the Buckeye. About damn time someone snapped- I mean, they chant O-H! I-O!…and never add the State. If Penn State chanted Pennsylvania (and we don’t, for obvious length reasons), UPenn grads would….well, do whatever Ivy people do when they’re upset. Write theses or something. Point being, this was a long time coming, and we’re just lucky he didn’t beat the guy dotting the script Ohio with a cricket bat.

The Week’s Sign That The Coaches Poll Is Useless comes from a first place vote given to Nebraska. They beat the Washington Fighting Jake Locker Upsides. Did second place go to Michigan State because they beat Notre Dame (and they’re always good!)? Why this poll continues to exist is a complete mystery to myself and anyone capable of thought on any level.

I’m Deeply Bothered By Mark Dantonio calling his fake field goal “Little Giants”. The trick play in that movie was a Fumblerooski, sir, and no post-game heart attack will change that. If they run a fake punt called “Air Bud: Golden Reciever”, I’ll burn down East Lansing. Which might be an improvement BAZINGA

Ok, add your own snow.
Downtown East Lansing

Things That Say Everything About The Situation Department: I make sure I’m awake for College Gameday on Saturday, and can recite a Tom Rinaldi tinkly piano piece off the top of my head. I intentionally sleep until at LEAST noon on Sundays, and watch infomercials until the games start.

On That Note Mr. T is in a goddamn infomercial for the FlavorWave Oven. My quality of life just went up 900%.

I LOVE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW

Speaking Of Hair And Things That Have It this might be my favorite idea for a fantasy game ever. If I can start betting on this stuff, I’m going to be broke yesterday.

The Stadium Was Half-Empty And I Wasn’t Watching The WNBA at Camden Yards last week. I was really impressed by the place, it’s a shame the team is rather craptastic. I feel like Camden and PNC Park should be given the Sox and Yankees for a year just so they can feel what it’s like to have winning there. It’s rather amazing that a stadium that old is still that nice.

This Has Nothing To Do With Allegations but the fact that Shannon Sharpe still has a job is a crime against enunciation. I don’t care what he did or didn’t harass- he makes listening to Michael Strahan seem tolerable.

I’m Increasingly Convinced That An Average Madden Player Could Coach an average football team. Things like Joe Flacco’s regression are less to do with the player himself and more to do with the playcalling. The Ravens were a team built on the run with Rice, MaGahee, and McClain. Now they’ve got toys, but forgot their identity. It’s not a problem specific to them- I remember the Steelers doing the same thing in Year 2 of the Tommy Maddox era. It might be happening to Sanchez in New York too- coaches forget that their QB’s were effective game managers, not Peyton Manning 2.0.

If I’m The Eagles and thankfully, I’m not- my soul remains intact- I fire Andy Reid, hire Urban Meyer and just have Vick run the spread. Seriously- with Vick, Shady McCoy, Jackson, Maclin, a sprinkling of Riley Cooper, and the occasional Runaway Beer Truck Owen Schmitt…it’s horrifying. I could root for that team. Except, you know, for the whole spelling the name thing. And that song. FLYYY EAGLES FLYYY ON THE ROAD TO GOD KILL ME


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Why Your Favorite NFL Team Will Suck This Year: AFC EAST

The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the AFC East.

Why the Miami Dolphins will suck this year:

The Miami Dolphins appear poised to make a run at winning the division title in the AFC East this year. One problem, they are starting a flash in the pan quarterback (Chad Henne) while a proven veteran (Chad Pennington) will begin the year on the bench. Also, the Dolphins’ offense will still rely heavily on the wildcat single wing. Not that there is anything wrong with the single wing, except it’s for pussies. Henne will falter despite the kool-aid people are currently drinking after his impressive run of performances to end last season. The big free agent splash made by the Brandon Marshall signing will have little to no impact considering this team will try to run the ball behind an aging Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown who is recovering from injury. Yeh, this is your year Dolphins’ fans. *mouth fart*
Prediction: 8-8

Why the New York Jets will suck this year:

The hype machine can not produce a much bigger snowball than the New York Jets have rolling right now. Lost in the Hard Knocks hoopla is the fact the Jets have a one-sided offense. Mark Sanchez can not be relied upon for anything other than handing the ball off to Shonn Greene and hopefully not Ladainian Tomlinson. What a relief that Darrelle Revis finally signed a contract extension and is finally practicing with the team. But wait, he’s not in football shape. He missed all of training camp, the preseason, and hasn’t been hitting anyone. That makes for a likely early season injury. I’m thinking he will have something with his hamstring that will hang around all year. The Jets are bound to disappoint this year.
Prediction: 9-7

Why the New England Patriots will suck this year:


I predict the series of lackluster seasons for the Patriots will continue this year. It’s awfully hard to win games in the National Football League when you can’t cheat to win. Wouldn’t you agree, Bill Belichick? Belichick, the NFL’s Eddie Guerrero (RIP) already has a depleted secondary to start the year. The hole left by departing defensive veterans such as Brushy, Vrabel, Rodney Harrison, Asante Samuel, and Richard Seymour won’t be as bad as last year, but they are still lacking in talent. Randy Moss isn’t happy. He doesn’t feel wanted since he hasn’t been offered a big new contract. Does he want Robert Kraft to come read him a damn bedtime story too? And maybe stick two fingers in his vagina? Randy Moss isn’t a locker room cancer when he’s unhappy. He’s locker room necrotic tissue. He just shuts down, shrivels up and dies. Ask the Vikings and the Raiders. That’s all this team needs to be successful this year- a distraction on top of lacking talent. And Tom Brady has gone soft. There, I said it.
Predcition 5-11

Why the Buffalo Bills will suck this year:

The Bills have a new coach, Chan Gailey, and with a name like Gailey you know he has to be good at football. The Bills are going to be at the bottom of this division for some time. They have two very talented running backs in Fred Jackson and the rookie C.J. Spiller, and then they have Marshawn Lynch. What’s up with that dude? I know he has a minor injury right now, but does it seem to anyone besides me that he is fading out of existence like somebody messed up in Back to the Future? Trent Edwards can be a decent quarterback, but the offensive line will not give him a chance to succeed. There is some talent on defense, but not enough to make a difference in their division.
Prediction 3-13

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Bud Adams would like you to know you’re #1.

Thank god for the advent of the iPhone 3GS and its built in video camera. Is there anything that the iPhone can’t do, honestly? It has a breathalyzer attachment, a ton of apps, and 3G speed that would make Usain Bolt cream his pants. What can’t it do? It really is only a matter of time before they come out with a fleshlight attachment, but I digress.[edit:Apple does not fund this site]

Without the magnificent invention we would have been robbed of the above gem. That being Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams giving the good ol numero uno finger salute. I imagine a fine will be heading his way[edit:A $250 K fine has indeed been levied], but to be fair, he was just flipping off the Buffalo Bills which in my book is totally alright. I mean, it’s not like they have souls or feelings for that matter.

Then again TO had been known to cry like Scarlett O’Hare at the end of “Gone with the Wind.” Damn you Rhett Butler, and damn you Tony Romo. Tear drop runs down side of cheek, turns and runs away.

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How not to answer a question…

The above video is of the Buffalo Bills’ 7th round draft pick, Ellis Lanksder showing us how not to answer a question. Either that or he’s doing what could only be described as his best impression of a Valley girl, by saying “like um” at least 100 times. Somewhere between the 5th and 6th “like um” I lost count out of sure disbelief that this was actually happening.

Maybe Lanksder is just camera shy. Maybe there’s a good looking blonde in the front row, and he can’t multi-task staring at her breasts and answering a simple question. Or maybe he’s just confused and disoriented as a result of going from West Virginia (where he played in college) to Buffalo. Say good-bye to rural towns, meth labs and incestuous relationships. Say hello to TO’s overinflated ego and a sense of disappointment that’s been growing since the 90s . That’s more than enough to make anyone lose their focus and start jabbering nonsensical “like ums.”

Either that or drugs…

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A drinker's guide to the AFC East.

I don’t have what most people consider the necessary “experience” or “credentials” required to post a legit preview of the AFC East. However, what I lack in football knowledge I make up for with my ability to consume vast amounts of alcohol. Something my AA sponsor can attest to. Realistically this post is a drinking game disguised as an AFC East Preview, which is statistically proven to be better than any predictions or fantasy tips that I could possibly give. So sit back, relax, and get your beer/liquor/shots of choice ready for some 2009 AFC East football.

Note:  Drinks are stated as whatever a standard sip is to you. Personal preference varies and can mean a two second gulp to some or shot gunning an entire beer to others. If it says take a shot, it’s referring to a shot of heavy alcohol, ie liquor, but I recommend doing so sparingly. Oh yeah, one more thing. We here at the Gally Blog are not responsible for any harm suffered as a result of actually playing the drinking game suggestions in this post. Seriously, pace yourselves…You lightweights!

Miami Dolphins

dolphinmakeout

The defending champs. Woohoo! Sarcasm Even though I am geographically located down in the penis shaped peninsula of the US of A it’s hard for me to get behind them, mainly because I’m so sick and tired of them running that damned Wildcat formation. Sure it’s effective sometimes, but even when it’s not they will continue to run it until I am out of things to throw at my T.V. From here on out I only want to hear the phrase “wildcat” mentioned when it’s in reference to some sexy cougar who is eye fucking the hell out of me as she sips her peach mango martini from across the bar.

milfmartiniNow that’s a Wildcat I can get behind…

Drinking game to be played while watching the Dolphins:

  • As a rule of thumb anytime the Wildcat is run or even spoken by any announcer take a drink. This will more than likely occur at an astronomical rate during the course of a game so be sparingly with your drinks. That is unless you have a steel clad liver, or access to a fresh IV the next morning, which is rumored to be the best way to overcome a hangover.
  • In the case you make it through an entire quarter without the Wildcat being ran, just finish whatever drink you have in your hand.
  • Since reporters and news media personalities keep referring to Chad Pennington as a short term solution at quarterback have a drink every time Chad Henne is mentioned as being the future at quarterback.
  • Any mention of Bill Parcells should result in a drink. Drink two if Parcells is mentioned in relation to his turning the team around after their 1-15 season.
  • Have a drink anytime the Dolphins march their way down field only to kick a field goal, throw an interception, or come away without any points at all. Drink 2 if you consider yourself to be a Dolphins’ fan. Drink 3 if all the above occurs and you own a Dan Marino jersey. Seriously fuck that guy. Way to never win a Super Bowl during your tenure here…Dick.

(more…)

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