Author: Nonpopulist Published: September 14th, 2010
- I work these ropes like I'll work the league
Current NFL Players Association President and longtime badass offensive lineman Kevin Mawae announced his retirement from the NFL last week. Besides a great player retiring from the NFL (and my favorite team,) Mawae’s retirement has other implications. There was a question as to whether Mawae would be able to serve out his term (which goes through March 2012) as president of the NFLPA. Thankfully Mike Florio of Profootballtalk.com did all of the newsy journalistic stuff for me so I can continue to be a worthless asshole and contribute nothing of real value to anything ever. What a relief. In that post, Florio confirms Mawae will continue in his current capacity until March 2010 and alludes to a strong possibility Dominique Foxworth is in line to be the next NFLPA President. Forget all of that noise. That’s boring. Mawae will lead the NFLPA through the duration of labor negotiations and after that I think it will be time for some celebrating. The players will need someone with swagger and charisma to lead them. I have two great ideas for good candidates.
Chad OchoCinco would be a great candidate for NFLPA President. A new age of transparency in the NFLPA would be ushered in. “Kiss Da Baby in 2012, Vote for Ocho.” There’s so many places to go with Chad if he we running for NFLPA.
Jared Allen, the sophisticated country gentleman running the player’s association. He would have to regrow the mullet if he wanted to seriously contend for the office, and that would be the first thing I would advise him to do. After the mullet everything else should fall into place.
So OchoCinco and Jared Allen, get started on your campaign strategies to get your fellow NFLPA members to elect you their president. Neither of you are even on the NFLPA executive committee currently so you both have an uphill battle.
Anyone else you can think of that would be a good candidate? Let me know in the comments.
Popularity: 1% [?]
Tags: Chad Ochocinco, Chad OchoCinco for President, Jared Allen, Jared Allen for President, Kiss da Baby in 2012, NFL, NFLPA
Category National Football League, News, NFL, Recent |
Author: Logic Published: September 22nd, 2009
- "At Least I'm Not Chad Ochocinco, Dude is gonna get beat up by Merriman..."
It has been a long,hard 11 months for an exceptional athlete in the NFL and his name isn’t Michael Vick or Donte Stallworth. Arguably, the most talented of the three NFL’ers has finally been sent “up the river” today in front of his father and 2 year old son, Eli. I’m hearing the child is not named after dopey, aw-shucks QB, Elisha Manning but many are speculating as to otherwise. Plaxico has been sentenced to 2 years in prison which can be considered 20 months on good behavior. 20 months in a prison, for shooting himself in the leg, is insanity. He was made an example by NY Courts and the Mayor which isn’t fair to him or his family. Pity party over.
Burress’ punishment is a little too strict for the crime. First, it is almost an identical sentence that Michael Vick got for owning, funding and operating a dog fighting ring for 6 years. Secondly, it’s 36.5 times harsher than the punishment that Donte Stallworth received for killing a man in a DWI manslaughter case. So this is by far the harshest punishment for the weakest crime. Besides, it was an expired license for the gun. It’s not like anybody actually thought he just threw it out after the registration expired.
And after a full day of news about Plaxico Burress heading to Reicher’s Island, many are forgetting about the impact that he is having on OTHER people. Burress has added to the recession by letting his clothing line “Celibate LLC” go bankrupt in his absence. The company had to lay off 30,000 workers today. Many of which were actually white people. This is leading many to believe as to why Burress was given such a strict penalty from the liberal minded state. When asked as to why his company was named “Celibate”, Burress said “..because I don’t give a fuck!” As it has been said on the record by Under Armour INC. “Celibate was at an all time high after the Giants’ Super Bowl win but dipped ever since the legal trouble”. They feel that the sentencing was also a reaction to the 30,000 laid off WASPs in the Midwest that were jobless, thanks to Celibate Industries.
Experts from the BPDBB (Busy People Doing Business Bureau) released a statement saying: “The courts were trying to deter athletes from carrying unlicensed guns with them to nightclubs, but when put in perspective, they simply deterred consumers from purchasing faulty sweatpants”. This is when the BPDBB conducted a study at retail outlets in which Celibate clothing was sold to ask consumers what the problem was: “It’s just that since he had the malfunction,” one man said, “I just don’t think he can protect this house…” His wife added: “The house he is in now, well, it’s just way too big to protect.”
Another man who wished to not be identified but will be anyway said “Dese sweatpants used ta be mah fav. for holdin’ a bunch of $1 bills so I could throw it at a bitch but now, if it ain’t gonna hold my piece and it goin’ to shoot mah leg, it ain’t worff it. Ya heard?” Pac Man Jones went on to say: “It just ain’t right for them to lock up Plax. He ain’t even kill nobody like other people in dis room. Na mean?”
Popularity: 2% [?]
Tags: Adam "Pac-Man" Jones, Chad Ochocinco, Donte Stallworth, Eli Manning, Michael Vick, Plaxico Burress
Category Satire |
