Why Your Favorite NFL Team Will Suck This Year: NFC NORTH

The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They will tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the NFC North.

Why the Minnesota Vikings will suck this season:

Adrian Peterson, or “Purple Jesus” as he is known in some circles, claims he has fixed his fumbling problem. Yeh, and Quentin Tarantino has fixed his coke problem. (There could have also been a gambling or pedophilia crack there.) I put the over/ under on Peterson fumbles this year at 8.5, and I’m being nice. Brett Favre was coaxed into coming back to play another season for the Vikings. That’s right, three players (Steve Hutchinson, Jared Allen, and Ryan Longwell) got on a plane to Mississippi in order convince Brett Favre to come back and play another season. You mean we could have been rid of Brett Favre? Seriously? I predict the karmic justice for that dick move will be freaking biblical for those players and the Vikings this season.
Prediction 7-9

Why the Green Bay Packers will suck this season:

The Packers looked good in the preseason, but remember, that doesn’t count. The offense looks to be humming so hopefully they can continue their success into the regular season. The defense on the other hand, has some holes. The team lost Aaron Kampman to the Jaguars in the offseason. All parties involved have spun the move as Kampman not fitting into the Packers’ defensive system, but he is still a talented player who is no longer on the team. The big hole in the Packers’ defense is the secondary. Both Atari Bigby and Al Harris are starting the season on physically unable to perform list. Packer’s linebacker Clay Mathews has missed time this preseason and is not 100% healthy heading into the season. Defensive lineman Johnny Jolly is suspended for the season as well. Those and the other problems not listed here lead me to believe Green Bay is going to need to score a lot of points to beat people this year. This is actually one of the teams I am least pessimistic about.
Prediction 10-6

Why the Detroit Lions will suck this season:

“Everyone will expect us to improve again this year. What are we going to do?”
“Beats the hell out of me!”

This Lions team is now 2 seasons removed from the infamous 0-16 season, the worst in professional football history. They won two games last year. When you’re happy with two wins there is still something seriously wrong with your franchise. And don’t try to tell me 2nd year tight end Brandon Pettigrew is an offensive weapon. That’s ridiculous. Your over hyped wide receiver who gets taken too high in fantasy football drafts every year, Calvin Johnson, has a back like the last living World War I veteran. (Can you tell I’ve been burned by him in fantasy football before?) The Lions have two defensive players of note, Ndamukong Suh (a rookie) and Kyle Vanden Bosch who is only a factor when lined up next to a dominant defensive tackle like when he played next to Albert Haynesworth in Tennessee. Second year quarterback Matthew Stafford was just good enough last year in his rookie season to ensure he will have a sophomore slump. It is not looking good, Lion fan.
Prediction 4-12

Why the Chicago Bears will suck this year:

Bears head coach Lovie Smith has been on the hot seat in Chicago for about 3 years. His team has failed to produce time and again. People think Obama and Rahm Emmanuel run dirty Chicago politics? The real powerhouse has got to be Lovie Smith. He must have tons of dirt on everyone in Chicago to be such a bad coach and get to stick around. Jay Cutler will likely throw a few dozen interceptions at key points throughout the season. The team has Mike Martz as the new offensive coordinator so look for there to be confusion and frustration aplenty when both he and the Bears’ offensive players realize they are not the early 2000′s Rams. The Bears’ defense has Brian Urlacher back. It’s just too bad he’s still a fairy who likes to have his toesies painted.
Prediction 4-12

And yes, I realize the math is not going to add up for all of the records I am predicting for these teams. Effin stat geeks.

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Tags: Brad Childress LOL, Chicago Bears, Detroit Lions, Detroit Lions LOL, Green Bay Packers, Minnesota Vikings, NFC North, NFL, pessimism
Category National Football League, NFL, Prognostication, Recent |

The Morning After Pill: berstreet Edition.

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness.  Mostly lack of caring, though.  And my tendency to be bitter about things that don’t go my way.

NFL: The Vikings were on bye this weekend, so I know everyone was super bored and not really interested in any of the games that were on.  That is, unless you have Greg Olsen on your fantasy team.  I do not, but my opponent this week does.  Do you know what that means?  It means Greg Olsen has singled-handedly almost ruined my life this week.  Do you know why?  Because Greg Olsen, the TE from Chicago, scored all 3 of Chicago’s touchdowns yesterday with a total of 5 receptions for 71 yards.  Fortunately, they still got stomped by the Cards.  Which, by the way, how the hell did that happen?  Kurt Warner did a total 180 in a week.  He threw for 5 TOUCHDOWNS.  FIVE.  Two of which were to my boy Fitz (What-What!).  Whodathunkit?  Anyway, in another miraculous win we had Tampa Bay – rockin’ those sweet unis.

The hotness.

Seriously, those things are dope.  Much better than the heinous ones Denver’s been donning.  In the Battle of the Bays, Tampa put up 38 to Green’s 28.  Green Bay should be embarrassed.  Rodgers got sacked 6 times and threw 3 interceptions, one of which was returned for a TD.  Say “good bye” to the post season, Green Bay!!!  So, Sunday Night Football happened.  Which also means Bob Costas happened.  Are you kidding me?  The guy must’ve attended an asshole convention last week, cuz he would not quit with the dickish questions.  That’s right, viewers want to watch/listen to you harp on Romo’s “jaunty cap” for 45 minutes, Bob.  Shut up with your mountain lion-looking self, seriously.  Whatever.  Philly lost to Romo’s “devil-may-care” chapeau, 20-16.  The game wasn’t really that great.  If you read that article I linked to, they spend a good portion of it talking about last season.  Most likely because there was nothing but loads of idiot coming from the Philadelphia sideline as Andy Reid’s Childress Face was showing.  #1: Good job on that ridiculous challenge, buddy.  You screwed your team out of time outs for the entire 4th quarter.  #2: The score is 20-13, and because you’re clearly a math major, you settle for a field goal.  Remember a few minutes before that when you wasted a challenge, thus depleting your team’s TOs?  Yeah, see you completely set yourself up for the failure you deserved.  That is all.

NBA: There were some basketball games yesterday.  I kind of feel bad for the NBA on Sundays, because until February, no one cares.  There was only one game that appeared to be even remotely competitive: Philadelphia 76ers vs. Detroit Pistons.  Guess what?  Philly lost.  Geez, just a bunch of losers over there in Philly!  This season marks the return of Ben Wallace to the Pistons as the big brother mentor-type to Kwame Brown, Jason Maxiell and Chris Wilcox.  Apparently he was showing them how it’s done, because he was the team leader in 3 of 5 categories: Rebounds (16), Steals (3), and Blocks (3).  He put up 2 points…yay?  Boohoo, there’s no one on the 6ers that I care about so I’m not going to talk about it.  The Wolves lost again, and their record now sits at 1-6.  The ESPN recap (here) cites Blazers Coach Nate McMillan’s fantastical experiment to start 3 guards as ahem blazing the trail to victory.  False.  The Wolves are terrible.  Their record says so.  I really, really, really want them to be good.  So, boys, I’m pleading with you: STEP IT THE F UP!  Good lord.

Soccer (as we yanks call it): The only thing I’m even mildly interested in is that David Beckham has pulled out (heh heh) of the England squad for its match vs. Brasil on Saturday.  Apparently, he helped lead the LA Galaxy to a semi-final win over Chivas USA, and they are now headed to the finals against Houston Dynamo on Friday.  Beckham is a bit of a soccer slut, as he’s played for Manchester United and Real Madrid, as well as on loan to Milano and Preston North End.  But, I mean…he looks like this:

yummers.

So he can be slutty with me if he wants.   I wouldn’t mind, I guess.  Also, yay America!!  Viva Los Angeles!

I hope you all have a great Monday!  If there’s anything I can do to make it special, just let me know.  For instance, if you’d like a mustache ride from Gally; or if you need to take your frustrations out on someone, gimp knows how to take a beating.  Or!  If you’d simply like to tickle each other and talk about boys, I’m game for that.

GO PAPER CHAMPIONS!!!

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Tags: Andy Reid is embarrassing, Andy Reid sucks, Arizona Cardinals, Bob Costas is a jerkoff, Chicago Bears, Dallas Cowboys, david beckham, Detroit Pistons, Green Bay Packers, Greg Olsen, Greg Olsen killed me in fantasy football, Kurt Warner, LA Galaxy, Larry Fitzgerald, Minnesota Timberwolves, NBA, Philadelphia 76ers, Philadelphia Eagles, Portland TrailBlazers, tampa bay buccaneers, Tony Romo's hat
Category Morning After Pill |

Jay Cutler Got Paid

Where be all the Henny at?

This week is a big week for Jay Cutler. It really is. Despite only having a 3-2 record on the season and throwing 10 TD’s WITH 7 INT’s, the Bears have signed him to a two year $30 Million extension worth a guaranteed $20 Million. Chicago Tribune columnist Steve Rosenbloom had this to say about the signing,

You can’t call the Bears cheap anymore. Not when they agree to pay Jay Cutler as if he were having Kyle Orton’s season[edit. oh snap!]
Giving Cutler more money for more years here is a no-brainer for the Bears. Then again, investing a guaranteed $20 million in a guy you’re protecting with Frank Omiyale shows no brains by the Bears.Unless the goal is to leave Cutler with no brain waves.Maybe the Bears expect Cutler to spend some of his signing bonus on a left guard. And maybe a left tackle. And perhaps a center.

So what does this mean to you and me? Absolutely nothing, unless your a Bears fan. If you’re a Bears fan it means that you have signed up the Young Gunslinger or Brett Favre 2.0 to a long term contract. Will it help them? I’m not a highly paid analyst but I think it will, though you could say that I’m as qualified as an analyst.

And Jay, no more drinking the cheap stuff. When you go out, it’s nothing but the stuff from the top shelf from now on.

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Tags: Chicago Bears, Jay Cutler, NFL
Category In All Seriousness, News |