Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Tuesday January 17th 2012

Posts Tagged ‘Christmas’

I’m Burnin’ For You: This Little Light of Mine, I’m Gonna Let it Burn!

Look what my Old Aunt Clancy, sister of my uncle who perpetuated the running Cockburn joke with me, made me for Christmas. This is why my family kicks ass.

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I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Jaguars Game

Merry Christmas TO THE GROUND!!!!! Enjoy your Cockburn! Don’t pump that garbage through my veins!!!!!

Of course, any Skins win at this point is bittersweet since a truckload of teams just passed them for draft position. I don’t have much to say about this game besides that without Maurice Jones-Drew, the Jaguars kinda munch on a butt. And if the Skins’ pass defense were a condom, it couldn’t even cover my minuscule johnson. Anyway, I did appreciate getting use that clip and my digestive system appreciated the lack of Cockburn. Though I did chug some Sandeman port straight out the bottle on Christmas Eve so my grandparents, who like port as we’ve discussed in the past, would know to get some more instead of accidentally serving a fifth of a bottle. I don’t know why I wasn’t Time’s Man of the Year either, except that magazine might be dead. Anyway, let’s check in with our official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump. (more…)

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The Perfect Christmas Cake Recipe

It looks nothing like this, but this is festive.

Well it’s Christmas time, as you may know. One of the things that comes from this is baking. Well, I’m here to help you fellas out, and/or some of of you ladies. Well below is compiled the simplest, easiest and most complete Christmas cake of all time. It’s sure to impress your friends, family and especially that special someone in your life. It might even get you some Christmas booty. Who knows. Enjoy.

1. Sample the Johnnie Walker to check quality.

2. Take a large bowl, check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

3. Repeat.

4. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

5. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

6. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Try another cup.

7. Turn off the mixerer.

8. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

9. Mix on the turner.

10. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

11. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.

12. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a shit.

13. Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

14. Add one table.

15. Add a spoon of sugar, or something. Whatever you can find.

16. Greash the oven and piss in the fridge.

17. Turn the cake tin 350 defrees.

18. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

19. Throw the bowl out of the f**king window.

20. Check the whisky again and go to bed.

Note: This recipe is not my creation. I got it from a special someone who got it from an email thread. It is impossible to credit the originator. Anyways, enjoy.

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I’m Burnin’ For You: A Merry Cockburn Christmas Special

First of all, here’s Old King Clancy watching the Skins-Cowboys game:

Yeah, I’ve had that in my back pocket for losing to the Cowboys all season. Turns out, maybe the Eagles game was the right place for it. However, since if there’s one thing I’ve learned from 2 weeks on Twitter, it’s that people on the Internet are supposed to repeatedly pat themselves on the back, I’d like to mention how perfectly the lyrics from last week’s song describe being a Skins fan.

So, the Sex Cannon. Since the DC media are generally a bunch of flip-flopping lapdogs, he’s currently the toast of the town. Despite losing. Yes, he threw 4 TD passes and a lot less ground balls than McNabb. However, he also threw a horrific interception on the Skins’ 20 and fumbled on the Skins’ 20. So yeah, he was better than McNabb for this game. But to use my dad’s genius description of Neil Lomax, he’s “just good enough to lose with.” And the point is that they lost. To the Cowboys. Now, in the Cannon’s defense, the real reason they lost is because the defense and special teams kept fucking that chicken. Yes, the Sex Cannon fucked over the defense with a couple of his turnovers, but none of their 460 yards allowed is the Cannon’s fault. And the kick and punt coverage did their jobs as well as Jennifer Lopez trying to sing or act (or pretend to be a human being). So the Sex Cannon sucked the least out of the 3 elements. Good for him. They still lost. To the Cowboys.

I’d like to surrender the floor to Hogs Haven‘s (my favorite Skins’ blog) Ken Meringolo, who said best of this: “Chalk up another “We should have won, could have won, but really had no business being close to winning” day. I mean, there we were yet again…the ways this team takes losses are simply amazing. What lessons are we learning this year? Really…what are we gaining from the experience of almost winning this many times? I worry that the lesson being driven into this team is more how to lose than how to win. I suppose the hope is that another offseason of roster upheaval will further erode the foundation of our institutional culture of losing. We can only hope that young, promising players like Brian Orakpo and Trent Williams will escape the psychological anvil that has destroyed guys who have played here in the past. After all, there is a limit to how much bullshit a professional can withstand before he either decides to leave or decides to give up and go through the motions.” Amen. And there’s always a glass of Cockburn available for you and your partner, Kevin Ewoldt.

Speaking of, and sorry for taking up space on the main page, let’s go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump: (more…)

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Logic’s Christmas List

Nikki Hunter from NY's Lingerie Football League team
Nikki Hunter from NY's Lingerie Football League team

As you know, I’ve been on a hiatus until I took the LSAT. I used this as a studying technique because I have no self-control and usually when on my computer, I’m drinking something I shouldn’t. A lot has happened in the sporting world during my break from blogging. For instance, a particular golfer got caught using all of my moves (ex: ambien sex, the line ” I will work you”). Not cool, Tiger. I almost had my sister say she slept with Tiger Woods because at this point, he doesn’t even know who he’s paying off. Plus, if he was chillen with Jeter….he probably de-pants’d thousands of women. Anywho, there also has been much more news. More relevant to Logic as well. So in order to address all of these headlines equally and offer my solutions, I decided it would be fitting to get into the Christmas Spirit by offering my List (sorry Jewish Readers).


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