Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Sunday February 26th 2012

Posts Tagged ‘college football’

The Gally Blog’s BCS National Championship Preview- Auburn Tigers Vs. Oregon Ducks


Here’s a quick national championship preview. This is a sports blog fer crissakes. The Auburn Tigers and Oregon Duck both have prolific offenses, but everyone knows the SEC is bigger, faster, and stronger than the Wack-10. Tonight’s game may, in fact, be the shootout everyone has predicted, but I think Auburn will come out on top in the end. I predict Auburn will win 41-35. The Auburn defense has been shaky for many quarters this year, but has always been able to come up with a big stop or two or a turnover or two when they’ve needed it. If Nick Fairley can get a hold of anybody he will make an impact although Oregon’s skill players may be too fast for him. I think whichever team forces more turnovers will win.
Plus check out this video someone made for Oregon, totally gay.


Now check out this video of some guy getting people in South Korea to cheer for Auburn I saw posted on Track ‘Em Tigers:

I think we can see the advantage clearly goes to Auburn based on the above videos alone. I rest my case.

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*Wet Spot in Pants Grows Slowly*

OK everyone, settle down. Yes, this is a bad long awaited post from PJD, but I just had to share this with someone.

Three people are aware that I usually just write about Minnesota Vikings football over at Purple Jesus Diaries, and occasionally I share funny stories, sports humor, and swear words at this here blog. Mostly, I’ve shared things around college football. That is largely because I melt like a a stick of butter on your moms tits whenever I see anything related to college football. Gameday music? Erection. Marching bands playing school songs? Weak in the knees. Co-ed girls stripping and having threesomes? That is sometimes OK too.

As the college season ends, however, I get a little sad and really tend to grab on to things like the above posted video, which is of the University of Hawaii marching band CREATING A KICKER, AND THEN KICKING A FOOTBALL. I cannot stress enough how fantastic this is. The stick figure is true schtick (eh?!) and even the form is fantastic. His gallop towards the ball, the spreading of his arms as he kicks, the planting of the foot and extension and follow through with the ball … Damn. You ever see anything like this in the NFL? No! You just see roofs collapsing and quarterbacks committing suicide because they don’t know how to live without football. GAY. This, this is awesome.

And that’s why I wanted to share it with you.

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College Football Rivalry Week: The Iron Bowl is PsyOps Level This Year



This picture was tweeted with the comment, "An Auburn fan literally risked their life to get this photograph."



This week is college football rivalry week and, let’s face it, time for everyone to say their team’s particular rivalry game is the most heated, has the most gruesome history, or breaks up the most families. Those are all things worthy of being asserted with puffed-out chests to be sure, but one thing not to be disputed is whoever had the balls to tape a Cam Newton jersey t-shirt to the Bear Bryant statue in Tuscaloosa, take the time to snap a picture, then I’m sure retrieve the Newton shirt (not pictured) needs a medal of fan valor to be pinned on their chest by Lee Corso in yet another cheesy College Gameday powered by the Fart Depot commercial. That’s PsyOps level commandoism right there. After this mission was over the Auburn fan just smelted (get it, Iron?) into the bushes and has since retired to a simple life of gator hunting and cigar smoking in the Louisiana swamp. He goes into town bi-weekly to get supplies, but is very stand-offish. He never lets a smile slip and rarely says anything more than “thank you” as he slowly stalks back to his quiet little corner of the world to wrestle the demons of his past and try to forget the faces in his nightmares.

There are other heated rivalry games, but the Iron Bowl between Alabama and Auburn is certainly one of the most storied. This year’s game will mark the second in a row the game will have national championship implications. That reads like something a college football writer would put in an article, right? *pops collar* There are other meaningful games to be played this week between teams who have hated each other throughout history.
“The Civil War” between Oregon and Oregon St. (mouth fart)
“The Egg Bowl” between Mississippi and Mississippi St. (dismissive wanking motion)
Whatever they call the game between Ohio St. and Miami of Ohio Michigan
Some other regional battles (whatevs)

Those are nice, but if you only watch one rivalry game this week make it the Iron Bowl, Friday on CBS at 1:30 CST. Auburn folks have been bringing the heat this week as far as taunting leading up to the game. Check out this joke that has been tweeted and retweeted by Auburn people: Overheard joke: “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Bama.” “Bama who?” “Exactly.” O snap, son. That’s a Bieber-level burn. The only thing worse is if Bama would have been “sacked like a sacker” whatever the freak that means. Alabama people have also come strong with the smack this week. There have been rumblings that the Bama fans have been gathering monopoly money from their home games and plan to make it rain in the stadium at a predetermined time in order to make sport of the Auburn quarterback’s problems with off-the-field money scandals. Well played, Bama fans, but the joke will be on you next time you go to the classic Parker Brothers board game. I did see a funny photoshop some Bama fan made on this thread.

Cam Monopoly money or Camopoly money. That’s strong work.

Also, this post was rather amusing. The Iron Bowl According to Facebook by Chad Gibbs. Should be a good game. I’m sure the Florida-Florida St. game will be riveting as well. Are you sufficiently stirred up yet?

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Your Final Big XII Football Preview Forever

The Big XII had a bit of a renaissance in 2009. Old powers rose again in Nebraska, rivalries were renewed in the South, and Colorado was reminded of their place by being a horrible, horrible football team. Just like they should be. In the offseason, the romantic winds of change blew up the conference’s skirt as it was looking to establish itself as perhaps the second most relevant NCAA football conference outside of the SEC. That is, until Missouri started flirting with the Big 10, Colorado ran to the Pac10, Nebraska ended up being the school to move to the Big 10, Texas threatened to leave for the west as well, and Texas A&M almost headed to SEC country. When all was said and done, the Big XII was left weak, with doubts about it’s future, and a clear center of power in Austin, Texas.
But this isn’t the place to discuss conference realignment. There is some real, genuine, college football that is starting up soon. There are crowds in Kansas that are prepping to wave their arms like a cornfield. There are people in Lubbuck who are curious about their new coach. There are fans in Norman looking forward to a rebirth of their team. And fans all across the Big XII are prepping for one last swan song, one final send off for Colorado and Nebraska before the Big XII as we know it dissolves. Will there be blood? Oh yeah. Buckets of it enough to satisfy a Twilight Mom. So let’s get this college football season started, with a Big XII preview.

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Your Obligatory Nebraska Cornhusker Introduction to the Big 10 Post

Hello, new Big 10 family. It is quite enjoyable to be joining your ranks of academic excellence and storied NCAA sporting tradition. The Nebraska Cornhuskers and the entire University of Nebraska-Lincoln is excited to enter your conference on good terms and amiable handshakes. You have no idea what it’s like to go from a conference where other lesser schools and teams (Missouri, Kansas, etc.) cupped one larger university’s balls (Texas) while they performed yearly fellatio. Hey, I love a good cupping as much as the next guy, but it got a bit out of control. It doesn’t appear to be this way in the Big 10, which we respect and appreciate each other over fine brandy and tightly rolled cigars. People genuinely seem to get along. Except of course with Iowa. Fucking Iowa.

As a new school in the conference which brings a large fan base though, there may be some confusion as to who is who and how they match up with our previous opponents. So as a friendly introduction, The Gally Blog’s resident Nebraska fan that lives in Big 10 country will gladly assist in walking former Big 12 fans into the new Big 10, and draw similarities where similarities are due. Disagree? Add your take in the comments. But without further ado, let me bridge Nebraska fans from one conference to the next …

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Your Eagerly Anticipated Nebraska Cornhuskers Spring Game Review

Little known fact; although I have lived in Minnesota for over 15 years, I have never lived in Nebraska. Regardless, I have strong family ties and an undeniably rooting interest in the Nebraska, and specifically the Nebraska Cornhuskers. Please, hold the fat Midwestern girl jokes until the end at least. Also, you would be wrong. Anyway, for the past several springs now my family has made it tradition to visit the lovely university campus in Lincoln every spring to attend the annual Red-White Spring Game. For those unfamiliar with the college football landscape, you suck, and a spring game is where a college football team plays their final spring practice in front of fans. Yes, it’s practice, and yes, Nebraska is awesome at fan attendance at spring games as well. They had 77,000+ attend the game, paying $10 a ticket to do so. Only Alabama has had a larger spring game attendance thus far (it was free, they just won a championship, and it’s Alabama) and the next closest Big XII team in spring game attendance was Texas with 44,000. Think it’s stupid? Football recruits actually love seeing a game day atmosphere in April. BOOSH! HUSKERS WIN!

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Week 12 College Football Live Blog

We will not be live blogging girls, but in fact NCAA Football.  Maybe the girls as well.
We will not be live blogging girls, but in fact NCAA Football. Maybe the girls as well.

It’s Saturday, so that means it’s time for College Football Live Blogging action. Even if you don’t like football, feel free to come in and talk shit about stuff. To access the live blog, look up to the top of the screen and click that button that says live blog, or you could click this. If either of those seem like too much work, leave snide remarks in the comments and I’ll get back to you.

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Week 11 NCAAF Live Blog

Well, apparently there’s some confusion as to today’s live blog action. It is going on, I just didn’t put it on the front page. Click the button above that says Live Blogs, or click this.

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Saturday Afternoon NCAAF Live Blog

We will not in fact be live blogging girls, but infact NCAA Football.
We will not in fact be live blogging girls, but infact NCAA Football.

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The Morning After Pill

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness. Baseball is over, right? Thank god.

Obligatory shout out to Logic and the New York Yankees time. Sigh.

The baseball season came to anticlimactic end the other night as the Assholes of New York were able to deliver the coup de grace to the Assholes of Philadelphia.  And one person here at the Gally Blog couldn’t be any happier. Of course I’m speaking of Baby Logic.

Sup you fuckin' fucks?
Sup you fuckin' fucks?

No that’s not the smell of dirty diaper, that’s the smell of victory – 0r the New York subway system…

College Football

Last night’s slate of games included Eastern Michigan at Northern Illinois, Miami of Ohio at Temple, and Virginia Tech at East Carolina. So in all actuality it was like no college football really took place last night. But in case you are curious about the scores or you need to be prepared in case a giant Italian bookie by the name of Stevie comes looking for you they are as follows:

Miami (OH) 32 Temple 34 – Temple brings their record to 7-2, proving that the Big East’s bottom feeder is king of the castle in the MAC.

Eastern Michigan 6 Northern Illinois 50 – Eastern Michigan at 0-9 has to be the worst team in college football right now. Close on their heels? Western Kentucky, New Mexico and Rice at 0-8. That’s a whole lotta suck right there.

Virginia Tech 16 East Carolina 3 – Due to Lou Holtz announcing this game I couldn’t watch strictly out of principle. If I wanted to here dementia riddled ramblings for 3 hours I would go visit one my grandparents down at the nursing home.

NHL

(NSFW language)

NBA

See above video.

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