Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Thursday September 15th 2011

Posts Tagged ‘Dallas Cowboys’

I’m Burnin’ For You: A Merry Cockburn Christmas Special

First of all, here’s Old King Clancy watching the Skins-Cowboys game:

Yeah, I’ve had that in my back pocket for losing to the Cowboys all season. Turns out, maybe the Eagles game was the right place for it. However, since if there’s one thing I’ve learned from 2 weeks on Twitter, it’s that people on the Internet are supposed to repeatedly pat themselves on the back, I’d like to mention how perfectly the lyrics from last week’s song describe being a Skins fan.

So, the Sex Cannon. Since the DC media are generally a bunch of flip-flopping lapdogs, he’s currently the toast of the town. Despite losing. Yes, he threw 4 TD passes and a lot less ground balls than McNabb. However, he also threw a horrific interception on the Skins’ 20 and fumbled on the Skins’ 20. So yeah, he was better than McNabb for this game. But to use my dad’s genius description of Neil Lomax, he’s “just good enough to lose with.” And the point is that they lost. To the Cowboys. Now, in the Cannon’s defense, the real reason they lost is because the defense and special teams kept fucking that chicken. Yes, the Sex Cannon fucked over the defense with a couple of his turnovers, but none of their 460 yards allowed is the Cannon’s fault. And the kick and punt coverage did their jobs as well as Jennifer Lopez trying to sing or act (or pretend to be a human being). So the Sex Cannon sucked the least out of the 3 elements. Good for him. They still lost. To the Cowboys.

I’d like to surrender the floor to Hogs Haven‘s (my favorite Skins’ blog) Ken Meringolo, who said best of this: “Chalk up another “We should have won, could have won, but really had no business being close to winning” day. I mean, there we were yet again…the ways this team takes losses are simply amazing. What lessons are we learning this year? Really…what are we gaining from the experience of almost winning this many times? I worry that the lesson being driven into this team is more how to lose than how to win. I suppose the hope is that another offseason of roster upheaval will further erode the foundation of our institutional culture of losing. We can only hope that young, promising players like Brian Orakpo and Trent Williams will escape the psychological anvil that has destroyed guys who have played here in the past. After all, there is a limit to how much bullshit a professional can withstand before he either decides to leave or decides to give up and go through the motions.” Amen. And there’s always a glass of Cockburn available for you and your partner, Kevin Ewoldt.

Speaking of, and sorry for taking up space on the main page, let’s go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump: (more…)

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Why Your Favorite NFL Team Will Suck This Year: NFC EAST

The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They will tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the NFC East. These are barely getting any pageviews, but it’s a matter of desire at this point. I need to focus and finish. What I learned for next year: start earlier and don’t try to do all of these by myself.

Why the New York Giants will suck this season:

The Giants are a shell of what they were when they won the Super Bowl a few years ago. Quarterback Eli Manning still has about as much charisma and leadership ability as the runny dump I took an hour ago, and the Giants still do not have Plaxico Burress. While Plax’s football abilities continue to rot in prison because of pussy liberals who think guns are the devil a young Giants’ receiving corps looks poised to drop balls and under perform again this year. The running game is one of the team’s potential strong points, but the offensive line is shaky because of injuries and Brandon Jacobs is about ready to go “diva” on everyone. Someone get that big baby a Snickers bar. I think the defense will perform better this year, though.
Prediction 10-6

Why the Philadelphia Eagles will suck this season:

The Eagles will suck this year because they got rid of Donovan McNabb, one of the best quarterbacks in the game, and are instead starting a completely unproven backup. That’s a move bound to bring a championship. Has anyone ever considered the possibility McNabb might not be the problem in Philly? It could be because God hates your dumb city. The problem could also be the head coach, Andy Reid, has forgotten more about football than anyone ever knew about football, as in all of it. Andy Reid doesn’t know anything about football is the point I am trying to make here. That’s a recipe for suckitude.
Prediction: 5-11

Why the Washington Redskins will suck this season:

The Redskins will suck because they have Donovan McNabb. LOL, J/K. KTHXBAI. Mike Shanahan (candy lover) has a mandate from Redskins’ owner Dan Snyder to fix this team Shanahan’s way. The new head coach has come in and done things his way alright. He’s pissed everyone off including talented defen$ive tackle Albert Haynesworth. You may have seen something about that in the news. Think about what happened in D.C. the last time a coach lost the team. When the players grew tired of Jim Zorn they stopped playing for him and it led to many disasters on the field. Shanahan is not diplomatic enough to coach this team. I hate to say this, but Shanny needs to take a page out of the Tom Coughlin playbook if he doesn’t want to have a rough season.
Prediction 4-12

Why the Dallas Cowboys will suck this season:

The Cowboys will most likely have a good regular season. Their sucking will occur in the postseason if they make it that far. Quarterback Tony Romo is awesome… at plowing hot tail, as a quarterback, meh. The team continues to put faith in Marion Barber at running back even though he doesn’t run as well as Earl Campbell does today. Wade Phillips is a soft coach. Jerry Jones still thinks he can GM an NFL team. Wait, I have an idea. Why not let the stadium play, coach, and be the general manager? At least the stadium will see the Super Bowl this year.
Prediction 5-11

I’m basically doing this to entertain myself as no one is reading these. That’s ok. I am entertaining myself, and not just by typing if ya know what I mean. *Wink

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Wildcard Weekend Preview: Cowboys vs. Eagles

Look at that quality facemasking going on.
Look at that quality facemasking going on.

I’m going to be completely honest here, I don’t like either of these teams. I don’t watch them either. Does that make me unqualified to preview the game? Like I’m qualified to preview any game anyways, doesn’t mean I’m going to make an attempt that you can all laugh at as I fail miserably.

Ooh, aparently I have to step out and won’t be able to get a proper post up before this game starts so this is going to be short and sweet. The Eagles have been very enigmatic this year, either playing convincingly well or playing like the peewee hockey team coached by Stan in the South Park episode, Stanleys Cup.

The Cowboys on the other hand have bucked their trend of playing like crap in December and are doing the proverbial getting hot at the right time of season thing. The line on this game, againg according to Cent Sports has the Boys by 4. Look for Dallas to win 35-21. Book it.

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The Morning After Pill: berstreet Edition.

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness.  Mostly lack of caring, though.  And my tendency to be bitter about things that don’t go my way.

NFL: The Vikings were on bye this weekend, so I know everyone was super bored and not really interested in any of the games that were on.  That is, unless you have Greg Olsen on your fantasy team.  I do not, but my opponent this week does.  Do you know what that means?  It means Greg Olsen has singled-handedly almost ruined my life this week.  Do you know why?  Because Greg Olsen, the TE from Chicago, scored all 3 of Chicago’s touchdowns yesterday with a total of 5 receptions for 71 yards.  Fortunately, they still got stomped by the Cards.  Which, by the way, how the hell did that happen?  Kurt Warner did a total 180 in a week.  He threw for 5 TOUCHDOWNS.  FIVE.  Two of which were to my boy Fitz (What-What!).  Whodathunkit?  Anyway, in another miraculous win we had Tampa Bay – rockin’ those sweet unis.

The hotness.
The hotness.

Seriously, those things are dope.  Much better than the heinous ones Denver’s been donning.  In the Battle of the Bays, Tampa put up 38 to Green’s 28.  Green Bay should be embarrassed.  Rodgers got sacked 6 times and threw 3 interceptions, one of which was returned for a TD.  Say “good bye” to the post season, Green Bay!!!  So, Sunday Night Football happened.  Which also means Bob Costas happened.  Are you kidding me?  The guy must’ve attended an asshole convention last week, cuz he would not quit with the dickish questions.  That’s right, viewers want to watch/listen to you harp on Romo’s “jaunty cap” for 45 minutes, Bob.  Shut up with your mountain lion-looking self, seriously.  Whatever.  Philly lost to Romo’s “devil-may-care” chapeau, 20-16.  The game wasn’t really that great.  If you read that article I linked to, they spend a good portion of it talking about last season.  Most likely because there was nothing but loads of idiot coming from the Philadelphia sideline as Andy Reid’s Childress Face was showing.  #1: Good job on that ridiculous challenge, buddy.  You screwed your team out of time outs for the entire 4th quarter.  #2: The score is 20-13, and because you’re clearly a math major, you settle for a field goal.  Remember a few minutes before that when you wasted a challenge, thus depleting your team’s TOs?  Yeah, see you completely set yourself up for the failure you deserved.  That is all.

NBA: There were some basketball games yesterday.  I kind of feel bad for the NBA on Sundays, because until February, no one cares.  There was only one game that appeared to be even remotely competitive: Philadelphia 76ers vs. Detroit Pistons.  Guess what?  Philly lost.  Geez, just a bunch of losers over there in Philly!  This season marks the return of Ben Wallace to the Pistons as the big brother mentor-type to Kwame Brown, Jason Maxiell and Chris Wilcox.  Apparently he was showing them how it’s done, because he was the team leader in 3 of 5 categories: Rebounds (16), Steals (3), and Blocks (3).  He put up 2 points…yay?  Boohoo, there’s no one on the 6ers that I care about so I’m not going to talk about it.  The Wolves lost again, and their record now sits at 1-6.  The ESPN recap (here) cites Blazers Coach Nate McMillan’s fantastical experiment to start 3 guards as ahem blazing the trail to victory.  False.  The Wolves are terrible.  Their record says so.  I really, really, really want them to be good.  So, boys, I’m pleading with you: STEP IT THE F UP!  Good lord.

Soccer (as we yanks call it): The only thing I’m even mildly interested in is that David Beckham has pulled out (heh heh) of the England squad for its match vs. Brasil on Saturday.  Apparently, he helped lead the LA Galaxy to a semi-final win over Chivas USA, and they are now headed to the finals against Houston Dynamo on Friday.  Beckham is a bit of a soccer slut, as he’s played for Manchester United and Real Madrid, as well as on loan to Milano and Preston North End.  But, I mean…he looks like this:

yummers.
yummers.

So he can be slutty with me if he wants.   I wouldn’t mind, I guess.  Also, yay America!!  Viva Los Angeles!

I hope you all have a great Monday!  If there’s anything I can do to make it special, just let me know.  For instance, if you’d like a mustache ride from Gally; or if you need to take your frustrations out on someone, gimp knows how to take a beating.  Or!  If you’d simply like to tickle each other and talk about boys, I’m game for that.

GO PAPER CHAMPIONS!!!

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An Unbiased Look into the NFC East

Weclome Gallions. That’s your name. The readers. Sorry for my lack of action. I was busy working yesterday than I went to Governor’s Comedy Club to see that retarded genius Rich Vos with Tim Gage opening for him. Amazing. His best joke was about how he is fucking his hot wife, Bonnie McFarlane, with her period and he pretends he is killing her. He also did a 10 minute skit on how he’d fight anyone in a wheelchair or has one arm. Saying he would punch the wheelchair person in the back of the head and then run around them and punch them in the back of the head while they are spinning around in circles trying to catch up. Then he’d run up a hill and by the time the wheelchair man got to him he’d punch them in the back of the head and wheel them down the hill. People in the Audience in Wheelchairs: 4.

Ok, I digress. I didn’t know what I was going to get around to today because of my hangover, a block party and then UFC tonight. Me and Gimp will be simultaneously jerking off from 600 miles away when Nate Marquardt powerbombs someone again. The hot little blond from Abercrombie and Fitch’s block party was canceled and now you have this post. Oh shit. Hey Gally? Can you tell if my girlfriend is a reader?

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