Author: Nonpopulist Published: September 9th, 2010
The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They will tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the NFC North.
Why the Minnesota Vikings will suck this season:
Adrian Peterson, or “Purple Jesus” as he is known in some circles, claims he has fixed his fumbling problem. Yeh, and Quentin Tarantino has fixed his coke problem. (There could have also been a gambling or pedophilia crack there.) I put the over/ under on Peterson fumbles this year at 8.5, and I’m being nice. Brett Favre was coaxed into coming back to play another season for the Vikings. That’s right, three players (Steve Hutchinson, Jared Allen, and Ryan Longwell) got on a plane to Mississippi in order convince Brett Favre to come back and play another season. You mean we could have been rid of Brett Favre? Seriously? I predict the karmic justice for that dick move will be freaking biblical for those players and the Vikings this season. Prediction 7-9
Why the Green Bay Packers will suck this season:
The Packers looked good in the preseason, but remember, that doesn’t count. The offense looks to be humming so hopefully they can continue their success into the regular season. The defense on the other hand, has some holes. The team lost Aaron Kampman to the Jaguars in the offseason. All parties involved have spun the move as Kampman not fitting into the Packers’ defensive system, but he is still a talented player who is no longer on the team. The big hole in the Packers’ defense is the secondary. Both Atari Bigby and Al Harris are starting the season on physically unable to perform list. Packer’s linebacker Clay Mathews has missed time this preseason and is not 100% healthy heading into the season. Defensive lineman Johnny Jolly is suspended for the season as well. Those and the other problems not listed here lead me to believe Green Bay is going to need to score a lot of points to beat people this year. This is actually one of the teams I am least pessimistic about. Prediction 10-6
Why the Detroit Lions will suck this season:
“Everyone will expect us to improve again this year. What are we going to do?”
“Beats the hell out of me!”
This Lions team is now 2 seasons removed from the infamous 0-16 season, the worst in professional football history. They won two games last year. When you’re happy with two wins there is still something seriously wrong with your franchise. And don’t try to tell me 2nd year tight end Brandon Pettigrew is an offensive weapon. That’s ridiculous. Your over hyped wide receiver who gets taken too high in fantasy football drafts every year, Calvin Johnson, has a back like the last living World War I veteran. (Can you tell I’ve been burned by him in fantasy football before?) The Lions have two defensive players of note, Ndamukong Suh (a rookie) and Kyle Vanden Bosch who is only a factor when lined up next to a dominant defensive tackle like when he played next to Albert Haynesworth in Tennessee. Second year quarterback Matthew Stafford was just good enough last year in his rookie season to ensure he will have a sophomore slump. It is not looking good, Lion fan. Prediction 4-12
Why the Chicago Bears will suck this year:
Bears head coach Lovie Smith has been on the hot seat in Chicago for about 3 years. His team has failed to produce time and again. People think Obama and Rahm Emmanuel run dirty Chicago politics? The real powerhouse has got to be Lovie Smith. He must have tons of dirt on everyone in Chicago to be such a bad coach and get to stick around. Jay Cutler will likely throw a few dozen interceptions at key points throughout the season. The team has Mike Martz as the new offensive coordinator so look for there to be confusion and frustration aplenty when both he and the Bears’ offensive players realize they are not the early 2000′s Rams. The Bears’ defense has Brian Urlacher back. It’s just too bad he’s still a fairy who likes to have his toesies painted. Prediction 4-12
And yes, I realize the math is not going to add up for all of the records I am predicting for these teams. Effin stat geeks.
Hi there, I’m Rovitz, the newest addition here at The Gally Blog. First I would like to extend a big thank you to Ryan for extending the invite to write here. You may know me from my Blogs With Stones I Championship run…no? Well then maybe you’ve read my work over The Rookies or my newest venture over at My Retard Roommate? Still no? Well, let’s let you get to know me a little better then.
The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness. But mostly because I only care about things I like, and everything else may as well not exist. Or perish in a glorious gas explosion in a tool shed. Or something.
It’s Monday morning, and I’ve got a bunch of crap I need to get done at work. Let’s get this show on the road, okay?
NFL: Obviously I’m going to start this off with the Vikings. So they won 27-10, but the game sucked & was anti-climactic. I’d venture to say that about half the crowd left during the 4th. The officiating was HORRRRRRIIIIBBBBBLLLLE and the crowd was pissed. But even with the refs seemingly in their favor, Detroit still sucked it up huge. After putting up 18 carries for 133 yards, Adrian Peterson became the 4th fastest RB in NFL history to reach 4,000 rushing yards, he had this to say:
I actually didn’t think about it until I got back up to the locker room. A couple guys were saying something about it but it’s a great accomplishment. I owe it all to the offensive line and the receivers because those guys are really the ones that make it happen. Source
However, Sidney Rice was the real star of the game with 7 truly acrobatic receptions for 201 yards. While he didn’t find the endzone this week, he showed what an integral part of the Minnesota offense he really is. There were a bunch of other games that no one is talking about, because the Pats-Colts battle trumps them all. I decided not to watch it, because I was being pissy about my Fantasy loss, but I heard allllllllllllllll about it. The Colts started the 4th with a 17-point deficit, but due to a blown 4th down play by the Pats, the Colts were given one last shot at victory. They now sit at 9-0 for the season, and all of Boston is on suicide watch.
Andrew Bynum contributed some very perceptive insight as to why he thinks they lost to the Houston Rockets:
Defensively, we need to step it up. That’s what we’re lacking right now. We got guards trying to box out bigs. Bigs trying to box out guards. We’re all over the place right now. Source
Ummm…yes? I don’t know. At least he’s not trying to blame his sore manitalia. In other news, the Timberwolves sit at 1-10. As in, they’re on a 10-loss streak. However, they aren’t alone in Suckville, because the New Jersey Nets are sitting at 0-10. I think it would be-HOVE Jay-Z to jump ship & buy into a better team. (har har har).
NCAA Football: El Si over at Football on the Fringe has recapped last night’s gameage for the non-BCS teams. Y’all should check it out, because he definitely knows what’s up. I definitely don’t, because I was watching Ronin, re-runs of Arrested Development, and Pulp Fiction.
The Morning After Pill is where we recap the previous days events in the sporting world. Certain teams and sports are left out due to me not caring about them.
NFL: This is going to be brief due to me doing a more comprehensive NFL recap later. Washington bails out Detroit. Again. See what I did there? I took something topical and made a lame joke out of it. Actually Sports Pickle beat me to that joke, and we have a $1 Trillion Twitter dollar bet on whether Jay Leno uses that joke in his monologue tonight. I have a feeling I may move $1 Trillion into debt tonight. Oh and the Lions beat the Redskins. Peyton Manning must have taken umbrage with being an underdog to Arizona in Sunday Night Football. He went out there and layed a whuppin on the Cardinals last night. Well him and his Defensive line. Queue up the Manning for MVP articles.
College Football: Jesus 2.0(White) is back home and recovering from the concussion that was bestowed upon him by the heathen Kentucky team. For the six of you that haven’t seen the hit that did id yet, here ya go. Baylor Quarterback, Robert Griffin, will miss the remainder of the season with a knee injury.
MLB: I think Peter Griffin said it best when he said, “Yankees Suck.” But they are sadly one of the most popular teams in the world, and masterbatory fuel for Logic, so they’ll continue to get some coverage here. The Yankees clinched their division for the first time since ’06. Oh noes, woe is me Yankee fans. Has it really been three years? Try being a Royals or some other downtrodden franchises fan. The ever dreamy amazing phenom Zach Greinke was at it again. He added to his Cy Young and MVP applications by defeating the Twins, in a game the Royals won 4-1. The White Sox beat the Tigers 8-4 to keep the Twins hopes alive, even though they also lost on the day.