LAST CALL….jk. Eli Manning is a Whore Monger. LOLz

Penis..So..Confused.

Seems like the only things we do over here are bukakkes Blogkakkes and Last Calls. Well that’s my fault. I’m too busy swimming in hot chicks and money. Last night, I spent all night trying to fit all these 20$ bills in my wallet! It was nearly impossible! I got to admit, sometimes being a sports blogger has it’s downside. Like when the paparazzi won’t leave you alone. (Ed. Note: UGH! I hate when that happens!) Other times, things just seem to fall in your lap.

I’m not sure if all the sexin’ has been the Giants downfall, unless Antonio Pierce slipped a disk doing the pile driver. I think the problem is this ratio of economy=Bill Clinton:George Bush is to defense=Spags:Sheridan. That’s the real problem. All the guy had to do was coast, for crying out loud! I think Eli dippin’ his wick into a bunch of sluts actually makes him human. He was knocked by New York media for being emotionless during his rookie season and then the same NY Media ripped Sanchez and Ryan for crying in their rookie seasons. If you want the middle ground, you get Rex Grossman. So shut up, NY Post. You stink.

The source might not be credible. First of all…she’s a whore seller. Secondly, she knows AJ Daulerio is a blow fiend (and Deadspin is Brooklyn-based) who wasn’t paying attention until she mentioned hookers and Eli Manning in the same sentence. If she said Mark Sanchez it’d be a non-issue. If she said “Tiger Woods”, people would have bought he shitty book of lies. Now, it’s still all hearsay and Joe Namath is still the biggest womanizing quarterback in New York.

I can only imagine how you would have to get the information out of Eli for conformation:

Police Man: “Now Eli, on the dolly, show us where she touched you…” hands Eli blow pop
Elisha: drools “She touched my fireman.” Smiles at stuffed animal her brought for courage
Police Man: “Oh thank God, this is over.”

end scene

Football's Val Venus

Did anyone ever check to see if Archie and his wife had the same surname? This whole family has way too large of foreheads. Plus, Wikipedia says Eli lives in the same building as Jesse Palmer and we know that guy is pulling tail (see: Erin Andrews, the Bachelor), I bet the whores were on their way to his apartment he just ordered them to Eli’s (meant literal, not black-talk) crib where he would pick them up. Because he’s sly like a fox, that Palmer is. Anyway, does Deadspin have like a direct line for whores to call that say they have inside information on Tiger Woods? Like a sexy batphone? Or a stiletto shoephone like in Get Smart?

Touche, Daulerio.

Popularity: 7% [?]

Tags: AJ Daulerio, Deadspin, Eli Manning, Jesse Palmer, Liars, Logic is a Gossip Queen, Whores
Category Better while Intoxicated, Bile, News |

Logic’s Christmas List

Nikki Hunter from NY's Lingerie Football League team

As you know, I’ve been on a hiatus until I took the LSAT. I used this as a studying technique because I have no self-control and usually when on my computer, I’m drinking something I shouldn’t. A lot has happened in the sporting world during my break from blogging. For instance, a particular golfer got caught using all of my moves (ex: ambien sex, the line ” I will work you”). Not cool, Tiger. I almost had my sister say she slept with Tiger Woods because at this point, he doesn’t even know who he’s paying off. Plus, if he was chillen with Jeter….he probably de-pants’d thousands of women. Anywho, there also has been much more news. More relevant to Logic as well. So in order to address all of these headlines equally and offer my solutions, I decided it would be fitting to get into the Christmas Spirit by offering my List (sorry Jewish Readers).

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Popularity: 3% [?]

Tags: Brandon Jacobs, Charlie Weis, Christmas, Eli Manning, Grady Sizemore, Hines Ward, Hofstra Pride, Lingerie Foobtall League, New York Giants, Nikki Hunter, Notre Dame, Santa Claus, Tiger Woods
Category Use Logic |

I Have a Plan

God Damn mouth-breather.

It’s really real. The New York Giants are 5-3. Officially worse than the fate I predicted for them (finishing 12-4). I’m attributing much of the blame to our $106 million dollar drooling and snarling retard quarterback Eli Manning. I decided there is no way to motivate him to do well at this point. As with most of New York’s athletes, they fall off after the pay day. That’s why I usually go straight to what they care about for motivation, their family. No I’m not talking about getting someone to give them a word of encouragement and no, I’m not talking about Archie or Peyton. Not even the hapless loser, Cooper. By the way, I’m 90% that all 4 of their stupid names would be good names for an Irish Setter. (more…)

Popularity: 3% [?]

Tags: Abby Manning, Eli Manning, Snidely Whiplash
Category Better while Intoxicated, Way Off Topic |

Plaxico Burress is So Screwed.

"At Least I'm Not Chad Ochocinco, Dude is gonna get beat up by Merriman..."

It has been a long,hard 11 months for an exceptional athlete in the NFL and his name isn’t Michael Vick or Donte Stallworth. Arguably, the most talented of the three NFL’ers has finally been sent “up the river” today in front of his father and 2 year old son, Eli. I’m hearing the child is not named after dopey, aw-shucks QB, Elisha Manning but many are speculating as to otherwise. Plaxico has been sentenced to 2 years in prison which can be considered 20 months on good behavior. 20 months in a prison, for shooting himself in the leg, is insanity. He was made an example by NY Courts and the Mayor which isn’t fair to him or his family. Pity party over.

Burress’ punishment is a little too strict for the crime. First, it is almost an identical sentence that Michael Vick got for owning, funding and operating a dog fighting ring for 6 years. Secondly, it’s 36.5 times harsher than the punishment that Donte Stallworth received for killing a man in a DWI manslaughter case. So this is by far the harshest punishment for the weakest crime. Besides, it was an expired license for the gun. It’s not like anybody actually thought he just threw it out after the registration expired.

And after a full day of news about Plaxico Burress heading to Reicher’s Island, many are forgetting about the impact that he is having on OTHER people. Burress has added to the recession by letting his clothing line “Celibate LLC” go bankrupt in his absence. The company had to lay off 30,000 workers today. Many of which were actually white people. This is leading many to believe as to why Burress was given such a strict penalty from the liberal minded state. When asked as to why his company was named “Celibate”, Burress said “..because I don’t give a fuck!” As it has been said on the record by Under Armour INC. “Celibate was at an all time high after the Giants’ Super Bowl win but dipped ever since the legal trouble”. They feel that the sentencing was also a reaction to the 30,000 laid off WASPs in the Midwest that were jobless, thanks to Celibate Industries.

Experts from the BPDBB (Busy People Doing Business Bureau) released a statement saying: “The courts were trying to deter athletes from carrying unlicensed guns with them to nightclubs, but when put in perspective, they simply deterred consumers from purchasing faulty sweatpants”. This is when the BPDBB conducted a study at retail outlets in which Celibate clothing was sold to ask consumers what the problem was: “It’s just that since he had the malfunction,” one man said, “I just don’t think he can protect this house…” His wife added: “The house he is in now, well, it’s just way too big to protect.”

Another man who wished to not be identified but will be anyway said “Dese sweatpants used ta be mah fav. for holdin’ a bunch of $1 bills so I could throw it at a bitch but now, if it ain’t gonna hold my piece and it goin’ to shoot mah leg, it ain’t worff it. Ya heard?” Pac Man Jones went on to say: “It just ain’t right for them to lock up Plax. He ain’t even kill nobody like other people in dis room. Na mean?”

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Adam "Pac-Man" Jones, Chad Ochocinco, Donte Stallworth, Eli Manning, Michael Vick, Plaxico Burress
Category Satire |