Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Saturday November 26th 2011

Posts Tagged ‘Fantasy Football’

FX’s The League Can Blow Me

The two bangable chicks on The League (though they sure as hell don't look it here). I think the one on the left was a janitor on My Name is Earl. (I better be right about that. I'm not successful enough to make it without the Latinos.)

I was going to review the latest episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, “Who Got Dee Pregnant?”, but that’d take all of one line to do (the episode was slow except for the McPoyle family, who are the one recurring face that never fails to amuse on that show). So, instead, I’m going to devote a couple of words to the show that follows Always Sunny each Thursday night, The League.

For those of you unfamiliar with The League, it’s the story of a group of suburbanite, 30-something guys who participate in a fantasy football league. Each week they get into some zany hijinks, throw around some fantasy football talk, maybe encounter an NFL player making a cameo and bam, it’s over before you know it. Sometimes, I even laugh. Sounds pretty innocuous, right?

Well, for the most part, it is. I don’t want to come off as some titanic blowhard ranting about how The League represents a new low in programming, because it doesn’t. My gripe is that it’s artificial as Halle Berry’s tits. (I’m sorry if that ruined any fantasies out there. They might be fake, but they’re still spectacular.) I couldn’t create a show more based around demographic profiling than if I went out there and pitched The Xbox MMA Maxim Monster Energy White Males with Money Ages 25-34 Happy Hour to Spike.

The show is a naked attempt at pandering to a demo, which would be fine if it wasn’t so obscenely formulaic, but each episode breaks down as follows: 50% zany plot line, 30% fantasy football talk, 10% reinforcing the thought that average to below-average looking men land hot wives, so you have sex appeal even if you’re not in the gym because you’re watching this show, 5% making you think that, even if you lead this vacuous lifestyle, it’s okay because you’re watching other people live the same life on television and 5% other. As you can see, there’s a lot of wiggle room for creativity.

So tell me if you agree with my assessment of The League. I’ll be the first to admit I’m a goddamn hypocrite, because I’ve watched pretty much every episode of the show thus far. But I’m not proud of that fact. (I like how I tried to end that one on a moral high note, like I haven’t watched every episode of Jersey Shore this season at least twice.)

Say what you will, but, compared to The League, this show's as indy as Resevoir Dogs.

[Edit: Papa G is new around these here parts and will be creating original content for us as well as sharing posts from his site, In Papas Basement, so be nice to him, or treat him like the rest of the staff. Whatever. This post originally aired here]

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Fantasy Football Update Weeks 3 and 4

But don't you wish it was?

Welcome to the Ultimate Jinx post. I did so much shit talking last week to try to instill some fun in this dull league, turns out I got zero smack talk comments in reply and the message boards on the league aren’t much funner. For a league full of self important blogging personalities, it really is boring to cover. Other than that? I just jinxed myself into losing 2 straight.

Well, to be honest I’m writing this post Monday at 3:15PM because it’s the only time I can get around to it so I won’t know if I lose until after it’s published. I guess I’ll just get onto the winners and losers of the last two weeks? Does anyone from the league even read this shit? It’s like playing fantasy football against a bunch of deaf/mute/handless douche bags who think they are too good for you.

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Fantasy Football Update

Interesting Hedgehog is interested in Fantasy Football

Alright folks, for those of you that have been following along is our little sports blogger fantasy football year, we are in Week 3. I’m a very busy bumble bee so I decided that this should be a bi-weekly post. Also because they usually take 2-3 hours and I really don’t know how much of you care that I’m in first place right now. Also, I will probably be talking about all 4 leagues that I am in, so suck it up and stop being such a bitch. You’re in the back seat. Whoa? Did I just think I was a cab driver from Old School? You’re damn right. Whoa? Did I just ask a question and immediately follow it up in the same line of a post? Why, yes I did. It sure is great to be nonsensical and partially insane by the laws of New York State. 15 hits of blotter acid will make you crazy, they say…

*dismissive hand waves*

*drools*

So let’s break it down like D-Generation-X….

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FX’s The League: A Draft Board Expose Sneak Peak

Here is the strange and sort of confusing draft board from last night’s episode of The League. Aaron Rodgers fell all the way to pick 17? Ray Rice to 11? Ben Roethlisberger got taken in the sixth round? Anyways, I’ll have a full writeup after I’m done my 200 mile trek to a house filled with Scotch. If you also believe the draft board is faulty or that I’m insane and it’s perfectly legit, let me know in the comments.

Oh, and clicking on the draft board should bring up a full size version.

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The Gally Blog Fantasy Football League

Guess how old I am in this picture?

And we’re back! Back to my favorite time of the year. Right after you draft your fantasy football team and right before the first game where you get to talk as much shit as you want. You drafted the best team in the world. Doesn’t matter if you have Leinart, Houshmandzadeh, Roethlisberger, Vincent Jackson, Brandon Jacobs, Willie Parker, Brian Westbrook and Antonio Bryant. Hey, at least you didn’t draft Chris Henry!

Anyway, I had a 3 part fantasy blog but I only got around to 2 of them. Mostly because I wanted to save the third part for the first round of our fantasy draft. I’m in 4 leagues this year so I’m going to try to not talk about my outside players. My one consistent in all of the leagues is Ryan Matthews from the San Diego Chargers, so expect to hear about him a lot. Especially if he wins Rookie of the Year like Peter King suggested on Twitter. *puts gun to head* Yeah that was basically the kiss of fucking death for my teams.

So the line up is all sports blogger, again. Sorry readers. We couldn’t have all 6 of you this year! We needed to make room for some new writers and old friends. Don’t forget to join our Pick Em league to pick against us!

Of course we have The Gally Blog favorites like Gally (The Harry Seawords), Chubs K-Gun (Beck University), Gimp (I Heart Moobs) and Nonpopulist (Ground and Pound Zero…oof. Really?). And yes, I added the twitter address of each player and will type up their starters but not their entire team (and I’m putting who I would start as the flex, not who they currently have). We do a 1 QB, 2 WR, 2 RB, 1 TE, 1 K, 1 Def and 1 Flex for this league and our flex is a WR/TE not a RB/WR, so keep that in mind. I do need to sniff some vicodin and jerk off later, you know…

Gally’s team: Aaron Rodgers, Michael Crabtree, Jeremy Maclin, Jamaal Charles, Jahvid Best, Dallas Clark, Dexter McCluster, David Akers and no current defense? I don’t know how that strategy will work out for him but I promise I will keep you posted! Gally also picked a Chief and a Lion with his first two picks, so he might save me from the PK Curse.

Chubs’ team: Kevin Kolb, Roddy White, Greg Jennings, Ray Rice, Knowshon Moreno, Kellen Winslow, Robert Meachem, Nate Kaeding, and Green Bay/Pittsburgh. Looks like Chubs missed the draft as well because he drafted Sidney Rice who I thought was out for the season? If not, I know he is out at least 8 weeks. Not worth holding onto for that long. Oh, and good luck with the homer Buffalo picks!

Gimp’s team: Gimp and I made a side bet for the consolation 5th place game last year that the loser would have to eat chicken fat bought from a can at the store. I won and Gimp never paid this bet. I will not bet him for anything this year until we see him eating some GD chicken fat. His team is: Matt Schaub, Steve Smith (Carolina), Percy Harvin, Frank Gore, Josheph Addain, Heath Miller, Dez Bryant, Ryan Longwell and Miami. I don’t really like that Gimp drafted 3 QBs and the Lions back up Tight End. I think he can find a better one out there. Even better than Heath Miller, really. Oh did I mention one of the 3 QBs is Brett Favre? Yeah. Die, Gimp.

Nonpop’s team: Tony Romo, Pierre Garcon, Wes Welker, Ahmad Bradshaw, Michael Turner, Jermaine Gresham, Santana Moss, Adam Vinatieri, Baltimore. It looks like Nonpop decided to take all #2 WR’s and some TE that no one has ever heard of. Very risky.

We also have some cool people from last year’s league like Punte (of KSK and Withleather) and Brandon who split a team once again. They have appropriately named their team after “Gally’s Broken Heart” which is complete with a Papa Roach lyric. Hopefully they pay attention and don’t fuck me out of a playoff spot for a second time this year…

Punter and Brandon’s team: Drew Brees, Larry Fitzgerald, Anquan Boldin, Rashard Mendenhall, Arian Foster, Visanthe Shiancoe, Joshua Cribbs/Vincent Jackson after week 4, David Buehler and San Diego.

We have a new comer named Fetch (Inappropriate Joke) who had a smoking hot girl as their twitter picture. I don’t know them, so I don’t know if that was them, so let’s hope it is. Though, it is gone now. Their team is: Jay Cutler, Brandon Marshall, Steve Smith (NYG), Chris Johnson, Ryan Grant, Antonio Gates, Johnny Knox, Stephen Gostkowksi, NYJ/Dallas.

Also in the league, good friend from the blogosphere and twitter but newcomer to the league BP Douglas (of Broncos Stable) and his team “Reign in Blood”. Their team is Carson Palmer, Calvin Johnson, Miles Austin, Adrian Peterson, Ricky Williams, Zach Miller, Bernard Berrian, Rob Bironas and Cincinnati. I think I like this team as the favorite. Plus he gets Santanio Holmes after week 4.

Making a new appearance in the league is our man Lowercase from Football on the Fringe and his team “Lead the League in Beers”. He took a long hiatus, but he is back to blogging and ranking the college football that no one watches better than ever! His team is Tom Brady, Reggie Wayne, Mike Sims-Walker, Ronnie Brown, Steven Jackson, Jermichael Finley, Donald Driver, Lawrence Tynes, New Orleans.

This year we have the brains from Blogs with Balls and an extremely cool guy, HHReynolds who owns and operates HHReynolds.com, and his team named “HHCarmichael”. HHR missed most of the draft due to family obligations so he had some rough picks. His team is: Matt Cassel, DeSean Jackson, Ochocinco, MJD, Pierre Thomas, Brent Celek, Kenny Britt, Mason Crosby/Ryan Longwell and Minnesota. Yeah, that’s right. He drafted 2 kickers. He also drafted TJ Houshmandzadeh. Yeah.. Tough one, bud.

Also a newcomer to our league but a good friend of the Gally Blog’s and a cool guy to follow on twitter Max Power from Daddy’s Sugar Ball. His team is the Christ Punchers: Matt Ryan, Randy Moss, Dwayne Bowe, Shonn Green, LeSean McCoy, Tony Gonzalez, Derrick Mason, Robbie Gould and Philadelphia. I don’t like that McCoy pick but he does have solid back ups with Marion Barber and Clinton Portis which are pretty damn good #3 and #4 backs.

Returning to our league for the second consecutive year, Canadian mustache enthusiast and OUR RETURNING CHAMPION, Andrew Bucholtz and his team “Men without Pants” He writes for NUMBEROUS blogs and is an excellent writer, so I’ll just link what his twitter says. He can always correct me and I’ll add a different blog to the next update. His team, Phillip Rivers, Andre Johnson, Hines Ward, DeAngelo Williams, Cedric Benson, Vernon Davis, Mike Wallace, Garret Hartley, San Francisco. Hopefully Andrew will get what is coming to him as well, because Gally bet Andrew over the championship game that the loser had to write poetry. Yeah, I don’t get it either. it’s a Canadian thing. However we didn’t see any poetry… Yeah 2 bets that went unpaid.

And of course, me. Logic and my team “Condoms are so 80s”. Let me know, because I can change that team name to the “Haitian Zombies” as soon as possible. I have the Zombies in a lot of other leagues so I tried to switch it up. My team is: Peyton Manning, Marques Colston, Hakeem Nicks, Ryan Matthews, Matt Forte, Jason Witten, Malcom Floyd/Owen Daniels/Golden Tate, Neil Rackers and NYG. I think I’m fucked. I added all of those guys to the flex because 1 is an unproven veteran starting after an impressive preseason, 1 is coming off of a season ending injury and the last is a rookie. Whoever performs the best, is going to start. Simple as that. I’ll also pretend to play the matchups but always end up fucking myself.

END TRANSMISSION.

Alright and that does it for our pre-Week 1 update. If you want the first 2 rounds posted, I will do that for the second round. Just drop a comment. I know no one really reads this shit so unless I get a comment or two, I won’t put this much time into the posts. Hey, my editor started this sentiment with Last Call.

/ba dump chhhhh

So good luck to all of the players and hopefully we don’t have a bunch of bet welchers this time and hopefully for the future everyone is there for the GD draft and we don’t double draft kickers and 3 QB’s plus Sidney Rice and Houshmandzadeh. PRE RANK YOUR PLAYERS! Okay, sorry. I get itchy without my porn and vicodin.

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The Gally Blog’s Fantasy Football Extravaganza

Hello Blogfrica and random readers. We here at the Gally Blog consider ourselves something of a sporting website. We may not exactly be credentialed, or sober, but that doesn’t make us unqualified to pretend we are. The NFL season is nearly upon us and with that is Fantasy Football. So we here are going to combine all of that. We’re holding a Blogger Fantasy Football exhibition. Some of us here at the Gally Blog will be participating, as will members of the sports blogging community for ultimate bragging rights. This year there is a prize for the winner. Last year it was just for the pride of winning, or coming in almost dead last like Gimp. Yeah, that’s right, this is the SECOND ANNUAL Gally Blog Sports Blogger Fantasy Football League of No Pants. Next year I’ll see if I can increase the title length, because that just doesn’t seem long enough.

We will do regular updates about it, and I’m sure logic will go crazy if he wins. If you or someone you know is interested in participating or sponsoring, hit me up. My info is up at the top right, and the comments section is available as always. Now on to the current participants and their teams.

Myself: The Harry Seawords
Josh Zerkle and Brandon: Gally’s Broken Heart- Josh is the editor of With Leather, and contributor at KSK as well as at RedKix with Brandon.
Nonpopulist: Ground And Pound Zero- Nonpopulist writes here and at Nonpopulist:
Logic:: Condom’s Are So 80′s- Logic writes here and at Hammer Fisted
Hugging Harold Reynolds: HHCharmichael- HHR runs the Blogs With Balls conference and writes at Hugging Harold Reynolds
Andrew Bucholtz: Men Without Pants- Andrew is our reigning champion. He writes at Sporting Madness as well as everywhere else. If you ask nicely he’ll tell you, he’s Canadian after all.
lowercase: LeadTheLeagueInBeers- lowercase runs the awesomely detailed Football on The Fringe all by himself. He’s a CFB nut, so we won’t sweat him when he comes in last place.
Bryan Douglass: Reign of Fire- Bryan is the Managing Editor of the Fanball Sports Network as well as an Associate Editor for Fanball
Robert Littal: ?- Rob is the big chief over at Black Sports Online as well as a variety of other projects.
Fetch: Inappropriate Joke- Fetch is primarily known for his work at The Beadlemaniacs, but like many of the guys here is kind of a writing whore.

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Sports Blogger Fantasy Football Year 1 Conclusion

Blogger. Canadian. CHAMPION.
Blogger. Canadian. CHAMPION.

And that’s that folks. The fantasy football year is over. Hopefully in some way your league decides who gets first pick for next year and you received it. That way, you can get Adrian Peterson or most likely Christ Johnson next year. Me? I’m going Tom Brady, Wes Welker, Randy Moss. Or something like that. In order of how they would get drafted, of course. I’ll probably have last pick in my money league and see where I land in this Blogger League. I finished in 6th place after a loss to Doktakra in the consolation game. But more importantly, we are still waiting on el Gimpo to eat his chicken fat.

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Sports Blogger Fantasy Football Update: Playoff Edition


Logic's Fantasy Advice! Found in Truck Stops Everywhere!!
Logic's Fantasy Advice! Found in Truck Stops Everywhere!!

Hi there. Logic here. Sorry about the lack of Fantasy Updates during my hiatus. I promise. I’ll make up for it here. This is like the Jackass Global Domination of MTV or whatever. Starring yours truly, Johnny Logixville. Get ready for a roasting.

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Week 10 Fantasy Football Breakdown

This is a weekly breakdown of fantasy football but more specifically The Gally Blog Fantasy Football Competition. Our league features some of the Internets best up and coming writers, as well as a few established pros. The last time I won a fantasy league was when I drafted LT, before the advent of platoon RB situations, and he ran for 2000 yards. This year, I’m in first place but don’t think that I know anything about football. Logic normally writes these updates but he’s studying for the LSAT, so it’s up to me to cover this post and pick up the slack on being an offensive asshole. That’s enough of me yammering on, here’s the actual stuff you might care about.

Top Performers:

  1. Chris Johnson: Xmas Ape reaped the benefits of CJ once again. Chris ran for 132yds, had 100 yds receiving and got two TD’s. That netted Ape a nice 35.2 points.
  2. Donovan McNabb: Yeah you read that right, McNabb was the second best point gainer this week, as he gained 30 points for Max. He did this on 450 yards throwing, 2 TD’s and 1 INT.
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Week 8 Fantasy Recap

Ok we are basically at the mid point of our Football Season which means we are more than halfway done with the Fantasy Football Season. I decided that I’m bored with just reprinting all the Top Performers and making fun of our league members that I talk to over the internet every single night yet they don’t change rosters for Bye weeks and what not. I’m going to take the top earners of the 8 weeks and you can compare with how you drafted and hopefully kill yourself. Actually, don’t kill yourself yet. Set up one of these birds on your mouse so that it keeps clicking “refresh” and then kill yourself:

Your Parents Don't Even Love You
Your Parents Don't Even Love You

And please, before your inner taintstain comes out, realize that I don’t make the point scoring system for Yahoo and I’m not the commissioner of my league. I just click the sort button on “Fantasy Points” and write dick jokes. Don’t act like that’s not impressive! What do you do? Yeah. Sit there and eat Cheetos. You sow.

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