“The Kid” is now Old, Sleepy

Simpler times, before athletes raped people.

In an unspecified game in Seattle last week, aging baby face Ken Griffey, Jr., aka, The Kid, aka, my favorite baseball player ever, missed out on an opportunity to pinch hit because he went back into the club house during the game and ended up taking a little nap. No, not passing out like “thanks for letting me inside of you, I’m going to sleep now” passing out, but more like “my god, my bones feel like it’s going to rain, I’m taking a nap” passing out. Hey, he’s getting old now, lay off.

I find this story humorous for many reasons. First is the fact that it is even reported. Second is I’m not quite sure what is going to happen to Griffey, because if this was reported to get him in trouble I’m going to be PISSED. The Mariners suck salmon eggs this season, and it’s got to be hard for an old timey slugger to watch a team lose like he is doing. True, he swims in money during his workouts, but he’s also a genuinely good person, so him having more money than I could ever kill for doesn’t bother me. And look on the bright side; at least he’s not getting involved in rape stings!

This got me thinking though, what other signs of aging must my favorite ball player have, indicating his reverse Benjamin Button? I have some ideas after the jump (of course) …

(more…)

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: /rape joke, Felix Hernandez, Ken Griffey Jr, Meme, Old people are funny, PJD, Seattle Mariners, World War II
Category Satire |

Felix Hernandez Resigns With Mariners

Everyone out. I have to poop.

According to a source, not mine of course, the Mariners have reached an agreement with Felix Hernandez on a contract extension. Hernandez made $3.8 million last year in his first year of arbitration eligibility and had a stellar season. He finished 19-5 with a 2.46 ERA last year.

This continues the greatest offseason ever for the M’s, who have been in the league since 1977. They signed Chone Figgins from the rival Angels, traded for Milton Bradley and Cliff Lee, and of course resigned Ken Griffey Jr..

Enough about the rest of the team though, King Felix is their future. He’s 23 now and is 58-41, though that number is unrepresentative of his talent as his early teams sucked. Felix finished second to Zach Greinke in Cy Young voting last year, and is likely the favorite to win the AL Cy Young this year at the ripe old age of 24. At least one of the teams that’s kind of close to me is good.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Chone Figgins, Felix Hernandez, Ken Griffey Jr, King Felix, Milton Bradley, MLB, Seattle Mariners
Category News |

Morning After Pill

The Morning After Pill is where we recap the previous days events. Some sports and teams are left out due to lack of caring.

NHL: Quite possibly the most important man ever involved with the sport of Hockey, Wayne Gretzky, stepped down as coach of the Phoenix Coyotes. Gretzky was a partial owner of the team, and as part of his income with the team his salary was $8.5 million a year. Yeah, he made College Football coaches look like poor schmucks. But the team is in Bankruptcy court in a dirty fight for control of the team. He realized that he wouldn’t be sticking around with either ownership group, so he decided to step down so the team would maintain some sort of structure. Peter Forsberg scored a goal in his comeback game with Modo. As expected he was rusty, so I guess we should take him out back and give him the Old Yeller treatment.

NFL: Donovan MacNabb is still nursing a broken rib and is unlikely to play this weekend. In related but not tied together news, Mike Vick will make his return to the NFL this week. As I’ve always said, the world just doesn’t give rich people enough chances. Adrian Peterson has a wonky back, but that wont keep him out of the Vikings home opener vs. the 49ers. Although this just reinforces Drew’s belief that Purple Jesus is going to break his back.

I wonder if that's on purpose?

Women’s Golf: Natalie Gulbis shot 8 strokes back of the leader at the CVS/pharmacy LPGA Open. The leader after one round is Sophie Gustafson who shot a round of -7. Do you care? No, and neither do I. I just wanted an excuse to post that picture.

College Football: The Southern Carolina Gamecocks played host to the Mississippi “Ole Miss” Rebels in a Nationally televised SEC matchup. The over/under was set at something like 53, and takers of the under were the big winners as SC beat Ole Miss 16-10. It was a decently entertaining game, a defensive battle that SC won. They ground down the clock, and made Jevan Snead look very much like Jamarcus Russell as he completed only 7-21 attempts for 107 yards. I enjoyed the game, but I was bored and work was slow.

MLB: (more…)

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Adrian Peterson, Arsene Wagner, Blue Jays, Dodgers, Felix Hernandez, M's, Nationals, Ole Miss, Peter Forsberg, Sean O'Hair, South Carolina, Tiger Woods, Twins, Wayne Gretzky
Category Morning After Pill |