Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Thursday September 15th 2011

Posts Tagged ‘Footbaw’

What’s On Deck?

An incomplete, inadequate and inappropriate preview of what’s going on tonight in the world of sports and entertainment. All times listed are EST

People like to complain that summer is the dregs of the TV season. They are wrong. Dead wrong. The weeks leading up to Christmas, and right after Christmas is the blackened, festering mire or the TV season. It’s all crappy Christmas specials, and reruns. Entertain me TV, entertain me.

Million Dollar Money Drop: (Fox-8PM) If you watch this, you’re what’s wrong with the world. This is the two hour series premiere and hopefully finale.

The Sing Off: (NBC-8PM) Yeah! Fuck YEAH! This is apparently the season two finale. Apparently. Knowing NBC though, season three probably starts Thursday. Cocks.

South Park: (Comedy Central-8PM) Yeah, I railed on Christmas specials up above, but this is a 6 episode “marathon” of South Park Christmas episodes. Two thumbs up.

Monday Night Football: (ESPN/TSN-8:30PM) There’s been some pretty big suckfests for MNF this year, but this one is gonna be bad. Real bad. Joe Webb or some such random guy off the street is piloting the Vikings against the Bears. It might be in a blizzard though, so there’s that.

Castle: (ABC-9PM) It’s a repeat of the two hour season premiere, but I highly enjoyed that episode, so check it out wont you? Castle is actually one of the most underrated shows on TV and is actually put together quite well. Nathan Fillion, as always, is stellar.

Black Ops Brothers: Howe and Howe Tech: (Discovery-10PM) I’ve never seen this show before but the premise is interesting. Two brothers investigate new and cutting edge military technology. Tonight, they attend a ripsaw weapon demo. I don’t know what that is, but it sounds awesome.

Perfect Couples: (NBC-10PM) This is a sneak peak at the series premiere, which I assume NBC will re-air at a later date? This show seems forced and lazy and might be trying to hard to be a show that already existed under the name of Friends. I’m not one of those fancy guys that gets advanced screeners, so I’m going on word of mouth and trailers on this one. Maybe this show works, but it’s NBC so I kind of doubt it. It does have decent eye candy in Olivia Munn though, and I do like two of the lead actors, Kyle Howard and David Walton. I’ll give it a shot, but I’ll not hold my breath that it’ll be good.

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Bullet Points: Rebirth

I’m repurposing the old Bullet Points thing to be in the vein of Peter King’s Things I Think I Think or Orson Swindle Spencer Hall’s Alphabetical. You know, except not as annoying as the former and not as awesome as the latter.

The Saints Aren’t The Greatest Show On Turf but I wouldn’t say that’s a bad thing. The offense is still weapon-laden, but against the Vikes and Niners, they’ve been only effective. As long as they have a defense to match (and an entire city of Dr. Facilier-types), I wouldn’t worry. Except for fantasy owners of Drew Brees. Such as myself. So it goes. I just know that I’m done picking them to beat a spread any time soon.

Thank The Deity Of Your Choice I Can’t Watch The Bills Here because we’re going to go with a QB change in Week 3. I’m sorry- Joe Montana would be ineffective without an O-line, a number 2 reciever, a set starter at RB, and continuity in the coaching ranks. I don’t disagree that Trent Edwards is, in fact, not a good starting QB. But Ryan Fitzpatrick isn’t either. And a lot of the problems with the team have been largely due to odd playcalling (Uh, that guy you drafted #9 overall? You might want to play him. You even named him the starter.) not directly to QB play. This is a cosmetic change at best- and if you’re in a suicide pool, take the Pats this week. If you’re a betting man/lady/manlady, take the Pats regardless of the line and just give me 5% so I can buy enough whiskey to get through another miserable Bills season.

It's what's for dinner. And breakfast. And hell, everything else.

How Are The ACC And Big East Still AQ Conferences in the BCS? They have a combined two (TWO!) teams in the AP Top 25. Granted, it’s early- and I don’t doubt that Bill Stewart will pull a bowl win out of his kiester and look like he’s in an old Keystone Light ad in the process- but it’s ridiculous that a four-loss Pitt team could go to a better bowl than a one or two loss Utah. And while we’re here- would we dock Da U for playing in the ACC if they had gone undefeated this season? I don’t think so, which is why it’s a crime that Boise State stands no chance of getting in the title game.

That Said, The BCS Title Game Would Be The Worst possible outcome for Boise. This seems to be a stupidly top-heavy year in the NCAA- basically Alabama, then tOSU………..then Boise. The first two are just playing much better football than anyone else. If one of them falters in league play and everything holds, we have a title game of Boise vs. tOSU/Alabama. If the disparity is what it seems like, then Boise gets run over and suddenly the cause of mid-majors gets set back another 10 years. This isn’t the best team Boise has had, and it would be a shame to let it get the showcase now if it went predictably.

Scratch That- getting stuck with TCU for another year would be the worst possible outcome.

Word Is That Ohio University’s Mascot Planned His Attack on Brutus the Buckeye. About damn time someone snapped- I mean, they chant O-H! I-O!…and never add the State. If Penn State chanted Pennsylvania (and we don’t, for obvious length reasons), UPenn grads would….well, do whatever Ivy people do when they’re upset. Write theses or something. Point being, this was a long time coming, and we’re just lucky he didn’t beat the guy dotting the script Ohio with a cricket bat.

The Week’s Sign That The Coaches Poll Is Useless comes from a first place vote given to Nebraska. They beat the Washington Fighting Jake Locker Upsides. Did second place go to Michigan State because they beat Notre Dame (and they’re always good!)? Why this poll continues to exist is a complete mystery to myself and anyone capable of thought on any level.

I’m Deeply Bothered By Mark Dantonio calling his fake field goal “Little Giants”. The trick play in that movie was a Fumblerooski, sir, and no post-game heart attack will change that. If they run a fake punt called “Air Bud: Golden Reciever”, I’ll burn down East Lansing. Which might be an improvement BAZINGA

Ok, add your own snow.
Downtown East Lansing

Things That Say Everything About The Situation Department: I make sure I’m awake for College Gameday on Saturday, and can recite a Tom Rinaldi tinkly piano piece off the top of my head. I intentionally sleep until at LEAST noon on Sundays, and watch infomercials until the games start.

On That Note Mr. T is in a goddamn infomercial for the FlavorWave Oven. My quality of life just went up 900%.

I LOVE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW

Speaking Of Hair And Things That Have It this might be my favorite idea for a fantasy game ever. If I can start betting on this stuff, I’m going to be broke yesterday.

The Stadium Was Half-Empty And I Wasn’t Watching The WNBA at Camden Yards last week. I was really impressed by the place, it’s a shame the team is rather craptastic. I feel like Camden and PNC Park should be given the Sox and Yankees for a year just so they can feel what it’s like to have winning there. It’s rather amazing that a stadium that old is still that nice.

This Has Nothing To Do With Allegations but the fact that Shannon Sharpe still has a job is a crime against enunciation. I don’t care what he did or didn’t harass- he makes listening to Michael Strahan seem tolerable.

I’m Increasingly Convinced That An Average Madden Player Could Coach an average football team. Things like Joe Flacco’s regression are less to do with the player himself and more to do with the playcalling. The Ravens were a team built on the run with Rice, MaGahee, and McClain. Now they’ve got toys, but forgot their identity. It’s not a problem specific to them- I remember the Steelers doing the same thing in Year 2 of the Tommy Maddox era. It might be happening to Sanchez in New York too- coaches forget that their QB’s were effective game managers, not Peyton Manning 2.0.

If I’m The Eagles and thankfully, I’m not- my soul remains intact- I fire Andy Reid, hire Urban Meyer and just have Vick run the spread. Seriously- with Vick, Shady McCoy, Jackson, Maclin, a sprinkling of Riley Cooper, and the occasional Runaway Beer Truck Owen Schmitt…it’s horrifying. I could root for that team. Except, you know, for the whole spelling the name thing. And that song. FLYYY EAGLES FLYYY ON THE ROAD TO GOD KILL ME


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