Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Saturday November 26th 2011

Posts Tagged ‘hockey’

The Morning After Pill – 5/25/2010

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling.  Today’s edition has been crafted by WSR, meaning the paper drafts reek of tears and whiskey. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com

NHL

For the first time since they were swept out in the 1997 Finals by the Red Wings, Philadelphia is in the Stanley Cup Finals after downing the Canadians 4-2 at the Wachovia Center.  The Flyers pummeled Montreal in 5 games, and will now get their ass handed to them by the Blackhawks.  Game 1 is Saturday night on NBC, game 2 is Monday night on NBC, and Gary Bettman still sucks more cock than Chasey Lain.

Official Gally Blog NHL Story Picture

MLB

Puck. Because I said so.

Minnesota Twins: Did Not Play

Boston 6 Tampa Bay 1

Cincinnati 7 Pittsburgh 5

Chicago Bitch Sox 7 Cleveland 2

Toronto 6 Los Angeles Angels 0

NFL

Brett Favre didn’t do anything.  He also didn’t not do anything

The NFL lost a United States Supreme Court case.  It probably won’t affect you.

NBA

The NBA sucks.  It’s not even basketball anymore.  People more astute than I will point out that it’s probably been that way for at least a decade now. (more…)

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The Big East…ern Conference Playoffs Preview

Ah, playoff hockey. When we are reminded that NBC sucks, Versus sucks, Crosby sucks, and every shot is a RISING SHOT. WSR’s covering the Oregon Trail conference, so I’ll try my hand at a horribly gimmicky preview of the Eastern Conference playoffs. Yes, I’m a Pens fan, and no, I’m not horribly biased. Only slightly…only slightly.

(1) Washington vs. (8) Montreal

What It Is, Baby: Washington has been a juggernaut, racking up 121 points through the season and scoring goals at a pace that you normally have to shoot at Jose Theodore to accomplish. The Habs…not so much. The goal differential for the season pretty much tells the tale- Washington: +85, Montreal: -6. That’s not to say the Caps are unbeatable- in fact, far from it. Their penalty kill leaves a lot to be desired (to the same degree that the Chesapeake Bay is “damp”) and the defense/goaltending overall are suspect. The team racked up a lot of points/goals against an exceptionally average division and could very well be headed for an upset of San Jose Sharkian levels. For Montreal to do so, they’re going to have to get a hell of a series from guys like Scott Gomez and Tomas “I’ll get you a Satanic” Plekanic (could not resist). Not to mention, Jaroslav Halak and/or Carey Price is going to have to start playing out of their collective gourd again- though they do have the USS Hal Gill on their side. Which is nice. But the Caps have this Ovechkin guy, perhaps you’ve heard of him? He was the guy eating through your ski lift cable.

How It Goes Down: Caps in six. This should absolutely be a sweep on paper, but I think Montreal can steal two games before wilting. That is, of course, your sign to wager heavily on a Caps sweep. Regardless of the games needed, I think AO breaks out in the series for roughly a metric assload of points. (more…)

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Canadians Go To The Bathroom Together

I know not many of you Americans know anything about the wonderful sport we Canadians call Hockey. It’s a glorious game played indoors on a sheet of ice. Twice in the recently ended, 2010 Winter Olympics, team Canada faced off against team USA. The Americans prevailed 5-3 in the round robin, while the Canadians prevailed 3-2 in an epic battle that went into overtime. In Canada, 10.6 million Canadians watched the game. When you consider there’s only 33 million of us in this country, that’s pretty impressive. Even in the USA, 27.6 million people watched the game. That was the highest watched hockey game in 30 years, and with a rating of 17.6, was the second highest rated sporting event of the year, excluding the NFL.

From Pat’s Papers, a US website run by a former Canadian that compiles news stories, comes this:

The water utility in Edmonton, EPCOR, published the most incredible graph of water consumption last week. By now you’ve probably heard that up to 80% of Canadians were watching last Sunday’s gold medal Olympic hockey game. So I guess it stands to reason that they’d all go pee between periods.

That piece accompanied the following picture, which is a real time graph of water usage before, during and after the Gold Medal game.

So bring on the jokes eh. Us Canadians are a bunch of dandy hosers that go to the bathroom together eh. Well, at least we can drink beer when we’re 18 eh, so take off hoser. sick video after the jump

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Marc-Andre Fleury Is A Silly Frenchman

Playing the goaltender position in hockey is one of the toughest spots to play in any sport, professional or amateur, and this includes your ballroom dancing class. The above video is from last nights Pittsburgh vs. Minnesota NHL game. That was journeyman, will play for puck bunnies and beer, Eric Belanger scoring a hilight reel goal.

Mainly it’s a hilight of a complete lapse in judgement and mental accumen by the Penguins goalie, Marc-Andre Fleury. It goes to prove my statement that the French are only good for two things. Cheese and surrendering. Well, I guess we can add failing hilariously to that list now too. Below the jump is more fail from Fleury and a picture of a puppy.
more fail

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Using Logic: Midget Jackie Robinson Edition

I Only Use 1/2 of That. Fuckin' Libs.
I Only Use 1/2 of That. Fuckin' Libs.

Welcome back, sports-fans. The Using Logic Hotline is still open 24 hours a day at HatedHero11@gmail.com or @Hbomb47 and this is where I can help you out with any issues in which you are stuck and don’t know what to do. Normally we like to keep it sports related. Other times it can be sexy. Whatever your little heart desires. I’m not picky. I’ve fucked a fat ginger before. I swear. Actually it was on the beach and I gave her the Screamin’ Seagull. No lies.

Now, let me get into the email I received (letter in italics, Logic in bold)

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The Morning After Pill: berstreet Edition 3.0

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness. Or because gimp will start having flashbacks of some of his bad trips and end up convulsing on the floor in fetal position.

It’s me again! What better way to kick off your morning, than a healthy dose of severe personality problems? Let’s get this rollin’…

NBA: So two things that were awesome happened yesterday for the season tip-off. #1 being (of course) my Celts rollin’ over the dynamic LBJ-Shaq Attack duo in the most talked about opener. I call them my Celts, because I love KG with all of my heart. If he needed a kidney, and I was sober for like.. at least a day…I would totally give it to him. I would also consider being his vessel for bringing the next great KG into the world. I don’t care if that’s creepy. Shut up. Anyway, he made a great comeback after being forced to sit the last 25 games of the previous season with a knee injury. He put up the double-double with 13 points & 10 rebounds. Oh! and! Paul Pierce was the Celts’ leading scorer with 23 points, and 11 rebounds for the double-double. Obviously LBJ was the Cavs’ leading scorer with 38 points. Do I care? NOPE. They got KTFO! Okay. So #2 comes in the form of the greatest headline ever: Lakers Launch Title Defense With Win Over Clippers. Maybe I’m just stating the obvious here, but shouldn’t we expect the Lakers to beat the Clippers? How depressing is that for the Clippers as a non-home-opener-kind-of-home-opener? I mean…they’re still at their arena, except 97% of the people in attendance are there to see the Lakers. I’m pretty sure even when the Lakers aren’t playing there, 97% of the people in attendance are still there to see the Lakers. It’s kind of like being the “grenade” of a pair of girl friends.

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9 Year-Old Boy Makes Scoring Look Easy.

With the scoring of the above goal, that little kid has already scored more times this year than Gally. Buck up pal, you’ll get to grab a booby someday.

That was quite possibly one of the best hockey shots I’ve ever seen, which doesn’t say much since I barely watch hockey. However, I watch enough Sportscenter to know that shots like that don’t happen often.

You have to wonder what kind of preparation goes into a shot like that. My guess is a fuckton of hockey video games or a marathon viewing of the Mighty Ducks movies – two very effective ways to learn about life. Minus the whole social interaction aspect. In theory walking down the street and quacking at people seems like a good idea, but trust me it’s not. Someone gets irritated and will eventually chase you. And in case you ever doubt how fast you can run, it’s at least two times faster when you’re chased by a homeless man with PTSD related to his military service.

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Morning After Pill

The Morning After Pill is a recap of yesterdays sporting events. Some sports and teams are left out due to our lack of caring.

Sports? What sports?
Sports? What sports?

College Football

Pretty weak offering of college football last night. Colorado versus West Virginia? Wow awesome. I was so overwhelmed last night by that match-up that I had to drink half a bottle of whiskey just to fall asleep. West Virginia won 35-24.

In other college action that you probably care nothing about, unless you happened to wager on it, was Southern Miss at UAB. UAB was victorious 30-17.

Everyone’s favorite shit starting, sucker punching RB, LeGarrette Blount, may be reinstated. Or at least that’s what a sourceis saying. I totally think the NCAA should let this guy play. Blount has Bengals draft pick written all over him and I’d hate to see him miss out on that opportunity just because he punched some guy in the face. This doesn’t just need to happen. It has to happen. He could be the Starsky to the Bengals Hutch. The Yin to their Yang. Chris Henry could be this guy’s mentor. Talk about a Bro-mance.

Baseball

Hmmm baseball. Really? Well I guess I might as well mention it once before the playoffs. Expect me to refrain from uttering another word about baseball until either the Yankees, Red Sox, or Phillies get knocked out of the playoffs.

Detroit failed to lock down the AL Central yesterday as they lost to the Twins 8-3. The Tigers magic number is 2 and I could really care less. Best case scenario involves the Twins looking like they’ll clinch the Central, only to lose it at the very end. Bertstreet would be so pissed and I would be thoroughly amused.

Hockey

The 2009 NHL season kicked off. Yeah that’s all I got. If you’re so inclined to know the results of last night’s hockey match-ups check out Melt Your Face Off.

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It's Hockey Season Bitches

For those of you that are too inbred to notice, or too stupid to care, the NHL season starts tonight. Why should you care I hear you muttering from here through my computer. The simple answer is that it’s the second greatest of all sports, only trailing the NFL. 

The long answer, well it’s just plain long and most of you mongoloid mother fuckers would tune out after about 10 seconds. So instead I’ll give you some video evidence of why you should be excited.
 
Great fucking fight or what?
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Battle of The Blades: Those Crazy Canadians

Jamie SaleBob Probert
Now I know you all think that us Canadians are a kooky lot. We run around on ice with sticks and fight each other in a sport that some of you may know as Hockey. Our football is played with a bigger ball on a bigger field, but we only get three downs. Our beer is far greater than yours, though we pay an arm and a leg for it. The thing that we fail at the hardest though is entertainment.

Our movie industry is you folks filming movies in Vancouver and calling it New York. Our comedians are good, as we’ve produced Jim Carrey, John Candy, Mike Myers, Russell Peters and many more. Our TV is horrendous though. Sure we had The Kids In The Hall and Corner Gas, but it runs thin after that. You can even blame the aborted fetus that SNL is on us. We never had a lot in the way of reality shows though.

With that in mind our national television station, The CBC has created a reality show called Battle of the Blades. continue

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