Author: Nonpopulist Published: September 2nd, 2010
The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. First up, the AFC South.
The Colts had a good season last year. Peyton Manning rallied a young group of rag tag players and went to the Super Bowl but eventually lost to the seemingly predestined New Orleans Saints. Nevermind the reason he has to carry a young rag tag group is because of his exorbitant salary which will soon go up whenever the Colts put together a new deal for him. Manning has one year left on his deal, however, and with negotiations on a new collective bargaining agreement between the NFLPA and NFL owners not moving along at a promising pace Manning may not get another deal before a new CBA is in place. Manning also had surgery in the offseason because his Herman Munster-like neck started to fall apart. Have you never noticed how Peyton looks like Herman Munster’s bastard child? Well now you see it, don’t you? Here is a stat since most of these posts will be pure conjecture. Of the last 11 teams to lose a Super Bowl, eight came back the following year and missed the playoffs. *Sad trombone* Prediction: 9-7
Why the Tennessee Titans will suck this year:
Image via me. I like Nate Washington, though. I bought his Titans’ jersey t-shirt.
This will be simple for me since I am a fan of this team. #1- VINCE YOUNG. Vince has looked good this preseason. This is a smoke screen. Vince completing passes this season is all a ruse so that his subsequent fall will look that much more spectacular. He still does not know how to throw a football. VY cannot put touch on a screen pass either. He throws a screen pass and the running has to duck. If the playbook were anymore dumbed down for Vince he would get everyone in the huddle and say, “Everyone go long.” For running plays he would say, “Snap it to me and I’ll sneak it.”
#2- Chris Johnson- CJ2K’s performance last season was one of the few bright spots the Titans had. 2,000 yards rushing? That is a reason to celebrate, and celebrate Johnson did. The offseason was filled with tweets about “going in” and his “wrist game” being “gone.” I consulted a black person about what some of Johnson had been tweeting meant. After paying what he said was a standard “reparations fee” he explained what some of CJ’s tweets mean. I was way off! I finally had to unfollow Chris Johnson on twitter because it was becoming mostly gibberish. The problem with all of Johnson’s celebrating is I think he forgot to train and stay in shape this offseason. He did not go to one workout at the team facility. I have a sinking feeling he’s going to get injured early on this season. That’s why I have been drafting Javon Ringer late in many fantasy drafts. He’s Chris Johnson’s backup. Without Johnson this is team is crappy. I didn’t even get to the defense. Prediction: 7-9
Why the Houston Texans will suck this year:
The Texans have some good to great offensive players. Matt Schaub is a solid quarterback, and Andre Johnson is arguably the best wide receiver in the game of football. The hype has been hot around this team for a couple of years. Many NFL analysts think this is the year Head Coach Gary Kubiak puts the pieces together and the Texans make the playoffs. Not bloody likely. Schaub and Andre Johnson are injury prone. Owen Daniels, the Texans’ #1 tight end, is still recovering from knee surgery although he is expected to play. The team is relying on a rookie, Arian Foster, to run the football after another rookie they were counting on, Ben Tate, was placed on IR and their other running back, Steve Slaton, can’t get over a chronic case of fumblitis. Yeh, this is the year I see them going to playoffs. Prediciton: 6-10
Why the Jacksonville Jaguars will suck this year:
Come on, they’re the Jaguars. That’s all they know how to do- suck. But seriously, can everyone quit acting like there is some big ticket push the team is committed to? The owner Wayne Weaver and the head coach, Jack Del Rio, have an understanding. This team will be moved to Los Angeles as soon as there is a stadium built for them. Don’t you find it odd that Del Rio has been on the hot seat for about 3 years and not fired yet? There have been about 10,000 seats covered up at the Jaguars stadium for at least 4 years. Del Rio is dogging it, playing possum, whatever you want to call it. The understanding is once the team is able to move to L.A. they will realign the AFC and be able to win the division out west. I predict the AFC South and AFC West will just swap the Kansas City Chiefs and Jacksonville Jaguars. For now the Jaguars are awful, and above is the only logical explanation I can think of for their recent failures. Predicition: 2-14
In our continuing Super Bowl coverage I bring to you brilliant expert NFL analysis from an unlikely source. Two Canadians, Andrew Bucholtz and myself. Without further ado, here’s Andrew’s take.
In my mind, one of the keys to this year’s Super Bowl is going to be the running game. The Saints were one of the best rushing teams this year, finishing sixth in the regular-season in yards per game (131.6) and first in Football Outsiders’ efficiency metrics. They have a triple-threat lineup with the quick-but-powerful Pierre Thomas, the lightning-fast Reggie Bush and the bruising Mike Bell. Meanwhile, the Colts were last in yards per game (80.9) and 22nd according to Football Outsiders, but they found a lot of success rushing the ball in the AFC championship against the Jets’ great run defence. They didn’t get too far lining up in traditional run formations, but had terrific results rushing the ball when everyone was expecting a pass.
The Colts face a tough task trying to shut down the Saints’ rushing game. For one thing, New Orleans is so explosive in both the rushing and passing games that it’s tough to sell out to stop one or the other. For another, the Saints’ backs all have vastly diverse running styles, making it more difficult to draw up a plan to deal with all of them. However, the Colts do have one advantage; their linemen and linebackers are generally small and fast, which should make them a bit more effective at slowing down Thomas and Bush than the typical NFL defence.
For the Saints’ defence, they’ll have to be careful not to focus too much on just stopping the Colts’ passing game. That’s what the Jets did in the AFC championship game, and they got burned on some unexpected runs by Joseph Addai. They did better stopping Donald Brown, and part of the reason is Brown’s weakness as a pass-blocker (see this clip of Peyton Manning yelling “Goddamnit, Donald” after Brown missed a block against the Ravens in the divisional round ). Even though he might be a more talented runner then Addai, the play-call is usually a run when he checks in, which loses the element of surprise. By contrast, Addai isn’t a great power back, but he’s good at picking up blitzes and catching passes out of the backfield. The Saints will need to keep him contained if they hope to win.
In the end, there are always a multitude of different elements that go into any football game. Good execution on offence, defence and special teams is important, but so are the breaks such as big kick returns, missed field goals, improperly run routes, fumbles and interceptions. Still, I’d expect both teams’ rushing offences and defences to play a key role in today’s game. Whichever team does better on the ground will have a sizeable advantage, and may just come out on top. (more…)
In an effort to continue to offer somewhat unique Super Bowl content, I reached out to two relatively prominent fans of this years Super Bowl Teams. I asked these guys some simple questions for their thoughts on the game.
1) What is your teams key to the game?
2) What, if they are successfully able to do it, would be the opposing teams key to the game?
3) What is your teams secret weapon/x-factor?
4) What is something, anything that you’d like to see in the game?
5) What is your prediction for the game?
For the Saints we have Cajun Boy. Those of you familiar with Blogfrica should know who he is. Those of you needing a refresher, he writes for Yahoo, Animal New York, and his personal site. He’s a transplanted Louisiana native that now calls New York City home.
1) what is the key to re game for the Saints? Running the ball effectively in order to get a few long, sustained drives…a good offense is the best defense against Peyton Manning. If we can keep him off the field for long stretches at a time, I think we’ll win the game.
2) what, if they can pull it off is the key to the game for the Colts? I think for the Colts it’s two things: keeping our offense off the field with long drives on offense, but also getting pressure on Drew Brees when the Saints do have the ball. If he has time to sit in the pocket and pick his spots, forget about it. I don’t think the Colts secondary is good enough to blanket all of our weapons for more than a couple of seconds. If Drew has time to throw, he’ll kill them.
3) what is the Saints secret weapon/x-factor? I think in this game it’s Jeremy Shockey. This season, the Saints are 15-0 when he plays and 0-3 during the games he missed because of injuries. He’s a great blocker and pass catcher, but perhaps most important is that he brings an attitude to the field that’s contagious. He just seems to fire everybody up.
4) what is something, anything that you’d like to see happen in the Super Bowl? I’d like to see the Saints win first and foremost, but secondly I’d like to see Reggie Bush play a game that kills any future talk about him being a bust as a pro. I’d like to see Reggie become a legitimate star on Sunday. However, with that said, I’d want Drew win the Super Bowl MVP award.
5) what is your prediction for the game? I’ve thought about this a lot, I really have, and I really think that not only will the Saints win, but they’ll win going away. I just think we match up well with the Colts and we have weapons that can exploit their weaknesses. I also think Peyton Manning will have a bad game, by Peyton Manning standards anyway. Saints 38, Colts 20. WHO DAT! (more…)
Well it’s NFL Championship weekend. Tomorrows AFC matchup is between Peyton Manning of the Indianapolis Colts, and Rex Ryan of the New York Jets.
First Derivative and myself analyzed the two teams and put in our two cents this morning over at The Phoenix Pub. Instead of trying to analyze them twice and just repeat myself, I’m taking the lazy route and sending you over to the Pub for groundbreaking analysis.
The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness. But mostly because I only care about things I like, and everything else may as well not exist. Or perish in a glorious gas explosion in a tool shed. Or something.
It’s Monday morning, and I’ve got a bunch of crap I need to get done at work. Let’s get this show on the road, okay?
NFL: Obviously I’m going to start this off with the Vikings. So they won 27-10, but the game sucked & was anti-climactic. I’d venture to say that about half the crowd left during the 4th. The officiating was HORRRRRRIIIIBBBBBLLLLE and the crowd was pissed. But even with the refs seemingly in their favor, Detroit still sucked it up huge. After putting up 18 carries for 133 yards, Adrian Peterson became the 4th fastest RB in NFL history to reach 4,000 rushing yards, he had this to say:
I actually didn’t think about it until I got back up to the locker room. A couple guys were saying something about it but it’s a great accomplishment. I owe it all to the offensive line and the receivers because those guys are really the ones that make it happen. Source
However, Sidney Rice was the real star of the game with 7 truly acrobatic receptions for 201 yards. While he didn’t find the endzone this week, he showed what an integral part of the Minnesota offense he really is. There were a bunch of other games that no one is talking about, because the Pats-Colts battle trumps them all. I decided not to watch it, because I was being pissy about my Fantasy loss, but I heard allllllllllllllll about it. The Colts started the 4th with a 17-point deficit, but due to a blown 4th down play by the Pats, the Colts were given one last shot at victory. They now sit at 9-0 for the season, and all of Boston is on suicide watch.
Andrew Bynum contributed some very perceptive insight as to why he thinks they lost to the Houston Rockets:
Defensively, we need to step it up. That’s what we’re lacking right now. We got guards trying to box out bigs. Bigs trying to box out guards. We’re all over the place right now. Source
Ummm…yes? I don’t know. At least he’s not trying to blame his sore manitalia. In other news, the Timberwolves sit at 1-10. As in, they’re on a 10-loss streak. However, they aren’t alone in Suckville, because the New Jersey Nets are sitting at 0-10. I think it would be-HOVE Jay-Z to jump ship & buy into a better team. (har har har).
NCAA Football: El Si over at Football on the Fringe has recapped last night’s gameage for the non-BCS teams. Y’all should check it out, because he definitely knows what’s up. I definitely don’t, because I was watching Ronin, re-runs of Arrested Development, and Pulp Fiction.
Hey everybody! It’s Sunday night so that means Sunday Night Football. I like liveblogs, so we’re going to have one. Yeah you have to click a link, but for the next week I’ll still be on WordPress and it won’t let me embed the script.
The Morning After Pill is The Gally Blog’s daily recap of the sporting world. Some sports and teams are left out due to a lack of me caring.
NFL: It was either a good game with a poor outcome, or shitty game with a great outcome depending on who you cheer for. The Dolphins ran for 241 yards and chewed up 45:07 in game time. That has all the markings of a great win. Except they didn’t. Even though Peyton Manning and the Colts only had the ball for 14:53, they managed to win 27-24. Peyton through for a ridiculous 13 yards per throw, and passed for 2 TD’s while Dallas Clark caught 7 balls for 182 yards and 1 TD. This years Colts look very similar to last year’s Colts in that they can neither run nor stop the run. It’s going to be a long season for any fellow Colts fans.
MLB: Angels pitcher Joe Saunders pitched into the ninth inning, giving up two earned runs on two home runs. Those were the only runs he gave up though, as the Angels defeated the Yankees 5-2. With a win, the Yankees would have clinched a playoff spot, but it was their second failure at this in a row. Pettite only gave up 3 runs, but his reliever and closer also gave up a run, which doesn’t bold well for the Yanks in the playoffs. The Twins whupped the White Sox 7-0 to move 2.5 games behind the Tigers for the AL Central. Whuppity do dog. It’s baseball. Minnesota fans should still slit their wrists.
NBA: Ron Artest is batshit fucking crazy. He also says that Laker fans can completely blame him if they don’t repeat as champions.
Everything else in sports sucked or wasn’t worth caring about, so no news on them today.