Author: Nonpopulist Published: September 14th, 2010
I work these ropes like I'll work the league
Current NFL Players Association President and longtime badass offensive lineman Kevin Mawae announced his retirement from the NFL last week. Besides a great player retiring from the NFL (and my favorite team,) Mawae’s retirement has other implications. There was a question as to whether Mawae would be able to serve out his term (which goes through March 2012) as president of the NFLPA. Thankfully Mike Florio of Profootballtalk.com did all of the newsy journalistic stuff for me so I can continue to be a worthless asshole and contribute nothing of real value to anything ever. What a relief. In that post, Florio confirms Mawae will continue in his current capacity until March 2010 and alludes to a strong possibility Dominique Foxworth is in line to be the next NFLPA President. Forget all of that noise. That’s boring. Mawae will lead the NFLPA through the duration of labor negotiations and after that I think it will be time for some celebrating. The players will need someone with swagger and charisma to lead them. I have two great ideas for good candidates.
Chad OchoCinco would be a great candidate for NFLPA President. A new age of transparency in the NFLPA would be ushered in. “Kiss Da Baby in 2012, Vote for Ocho.” There’s so many places to go with Chad if he we running for NFLPA.
Jared Allen, the sophisticated country gentleman running the player’s association. He would have to regrow the mullet if he wanted to seriously contend for the office, and that would be the first thing I would advise him to do. After the mullet everything else should fall into place.
So OchoCinco and Jared Allen, get started on your campaign strategies to get your fellow NFLPA members to elect you their president. Neither of you are even on the NFLPA executive committee currently so you both have an uphill battle.
Anyone else you can think of that would be a good candidate? Let me know in the comments.
The world was aflame in anarchy and Samson like agony the last few weeks as everyone’s favorite mulleted hero apparently trimmed his strengths off for his nuptials. Yes, it was reported widely that Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen cut his mullet off and seemingly there was photographic evidence to prove it. But as we’ve learned with such things as Helicopter Shark, not everything you see on the internet is as it appears. PJD was able to obtain an exclusive interview with The Mullet itself and talk about it’s alleged disappearance and summer plans …
PJD: Mullet, thank you so much for sitting down with me. I know you’ve had a tough couple of weeks here. You made a brief appearance on The Gally Blog last week, sharing words of fire and anger that really seemed to hint towards a bitter divorce with Jared Allen, but what can you tell us about what really happened?
Mullet: … Am I seriously talking with some bowl cut looking pig fucker right now? Where the real reporters, or at least that Vikings Gab set of tits, Laylay Onamie or whatever her name is? I gotta talk with you? This is some shit. Ok, listen pasty face, yes, Jared and I had a pretty nasty public divorce, but a lot of it was misguided. He pulled me aside after our initial shaving and had some very interesting plans for me, something your hairless donkey ass probably wouldn’t understand.
PJD: Fair enough. I haven’t shaven in seven days and do have nary a shade of tuft on my cheeks. But perhaps our readers would be interested in your back story. Plans you say, what plans?
Hey y’all, Mullet here. Just thought I’d check in, in light of the news. If you haven’t heard yet, Jared and I have split ways. In the name of “love”, he decided we should split. Why? Well that whore of his, has gotten in the way. They’re getting married, so as a measure of good will and I’m being told for the sake of the wedding pictures, he decided to split up with me.
In other words, my demise has been greatly exaggerated. I lived without that dick for many years, and I can do so again. I will take this time to make myself stronger and better than ever. No more side gigs as Hugh Hefner and Lindsay Lohan’s merkin. No longer will I take on the role of Phil Spector’s bizarre wannabe afro. Fuck that noise. I will survive on my own with or without the excessive use of ludes and horse tranquilizers. I would like to thank the guys at Tauntr for eulogizing me. Misguided as it was.
Here at TGB, we like to land interviews with celebrities. It makes uslook a lot cooler.I’ve talked with some awesome people since I began writing here. Namely Kyle Turley and Mike Tunison, but I pretended to talk to a few other people. Mostly because I’m a sociopath with a lot of free time. Here is the latest installment:
Logic: So if you’re not a caveman or some kind of deranged hermit living under a rock, you have probably heard that.. (more…)
Jared Allen is a dirty player spearchucker. What? Why are you looking at me like that. Come on, I can’t read your mind. Oh nothing’s wrong? Then why are you yelling at me? Oh, that’s what spearchucker means. Oops.
Besides being a fierce NFL pass rusher who can’t defend the run, Jared Allen is an avid hunter. He hunts bears, elk and an assortment of other game during the NFL offseason. He’s quite fond of hunting with the bow and arrow, but this time he takes to the spear. Yeah he kills that elk with one strike from a metal spear.
So the lesson learned today kiddies is, stay away from Jared Allen. And ixnay on the irtyday pearchuckerpay.
This video is all kinds of awesome, and not just because we started the Jared Allens Mullet Twitter feed. You don’t have to like Jared all that much, or even think he’s the leagues best defensive end(he’s not). After watchin this video, you will respect him for sticking to his guns and not giving a fuck what people think.
Apparently part of being badass is taking extra mayonnaise when somebody asks you if you want it. I guess this means that most Americans, especially Big Daddy Drew, are not badass at all what with their adversion to mayo. If you watch the video right to the end, Jared apparently mentions his one weakness other than the run game. He clearly says that he’ll cut it one day, when he dies. Through careful extrapolation and other scientific processes, that means if you cut off his mullet in his sleep, he’ll die. Think about it QB’s. I’m looking at you Aaron Rodgers if he suddenly dies in a haircut related incident.
I Know She Has Nothing To Do With This... Just Shut Up, Ok?
Happy Thursday, ladies and gentlemen. Thursday is a magical time. College kids start drinking because they have Friday off (or at least the smart ones), it’s now 8 hours of work until Friday and you get to Use Logic and Win Money. Today has one decent game on to watch. Which is rough if it sucks. Which means you have nothing better to do than comment on this magnificent section of The Gally Blog and tell me your thoughts. Especially your dirty ones. But most importantly? Thursday also means it’s time to get your picks in:
Gambling Addiction? (home team in ALL CAPS)
(note: I’ve been called out on my handicapping ability so extra games are added.)
Suicide Pool: New York Jets
NFL Best Bet: PACKERS (-13.5) over the Lions
NCAA Best Bet: ARIZONA (-4) over Stanford
Possible NFL Upset of the Week: Broncos (+3.5) over the CHARGERS
NCAA Possible Upset of the Week: Iowa (+2.5) over WISCONSIN
And just because it’s sexy: NOTRE DAME (+10) over University Southern California… Heisman Candidate Sweet Jim Clausen gets ND into a BCS bowl over USC and their Freshman QB on the road in this rivalry match.
Dbag Challenge: STEELERS (-14) over the Browns. Eagles (-14) over the RAIDERS. PATRIOTS (-9) over the Titans
Fantasy Football Advice: Well, my first pick would be Dennis Northcutt- WR- Detroit Lions. If Megatron is out, the overrated WR will step in as the #1 threat for the weak Lions. That didn’t sound too confident, did it? Well that is just if Megatron doesn’t play. So Jermichael Finley- TE- Green Bay Packers (who is playing those weak Lions) is my Fantasy Pick of the Week. He had a break out performance before the BYE v. Minnesota in which he showed great hands and speed as well as a reliable check down receiver for Aaron Rodgers who has been running for his life and may or may not be BJ Novak.
My weekly Thursday segment is here. First order of business? Joe Francis beating the bejesus out of Jayde Nicole. Is that how he treats girls that won’t flash him? Or was she too old? I wonder how he treats ugly broads because Jayde is pretty much perfect (NSFW Pictures Here). Besides the whole “Dating Brody Jenner” thing…
You Said It, Pedo Bear.
Next order of business? Gambling Addiction.
Tonight’s Bet: Nebraska (-3.5) over MIZZOU
NCAA Best Bet: TCU (away -1.5) over AIR FORCE
NFL Best Bet: Minnesota Vikings (-10) over ST. LOUIS RAMS
NFL Upset: DENVER BRONCOS (+3) over New England Patriots
Suicide Pool: Pittsburgh Steelers
This week is special because I have some fantasy advice for you. Don’t listen to “Pros”. I’m not a professional, I don’t get paid by anyone. So you can listen to me. Whoever wrote this article is a giant tool. Most likely you shouldn’t have to be told to start Peyton Manning, Ben Roethlisberger, Tony Romo or Adrian Peterson. That’s some of the worst advice I’ve ever heard. I wonder what he said about Rashard Mendenhall last week when he wasn’t playing the Lions? So after his 165 yards and 2 TDs against a better opponent, now he is a must start? Thanks, douche! That means 5 of his 8 starts were “no-brainers” in this little piece. Logic Says: Start Glen Coffee- RB- San Francisco. Last week before a BYE then Frank Gore might come back and on top of that, Atlanta has given up 300+ yards on the ground in 3 games.
Ok, I also got some Links:
With Roman Polanski roaming around Gally is getting nervous that he has competition! Oh noes!
And my last link is about none other than, Michael Vick and his stupid reality show on BET. This has to be the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. No exaggeration. I’m not a lawyer (I just tell people I want to be one to make me seem classy and educational) but isn’t it illegal to make profit off of felonies you committed? I thought that that was the reason why serial killers can’t sell their stories to Hollywood and make a buttload of cash from it. Whatever. This show is going to suck and I hope Vick shatters his fibula in a practice or in some sort of karmic way like running from a rabid pit bull. I hate him even more now that he is on the Eagles. Maybe Jared Allen’s Mullet could cock punch him?
Today it’s time to sit down with The Gally Blog’s latest interviewee, Jared Allen’s Mullet. What’s that you say? A mullet, how the hell are we supposed to interview a mullet? Have you seen that thing? It’s not nearly as hard as it sounds. That thing has a mind and life of it’s own. I caution you. The thing gets a little wierd and out of hand when Jared shows up.
Gally: Well good afternoon Jared Allen’s Mullet. It’s nice to have you here. JAM: It’s nice to be here. Wait what did you call me? Gally: Jared Allen’s Mullet. JAM: Why the hell would you call me that? Gally: Well that’s your name isn’t it. continue
