Hey all. If it wasn’t brought to your attention, I have been on a blogging hiatus because I’m studying for my LSAT on December 6th. I guess God was smiting me because I contracted Swine Flu. My friends say it’s because I’m a pig. I say it’s because I had sex with your mother. BOOSH! Some say this is karma. Me? Well, I totally agree. Even though dystonia-girl was just looking for attention and is a big fat faker[edit:Not a faker, her symptoms were mostly mental] who turned out to have a speedy recovery. Well lah-dee-dah, your highness. Do cheerleaders just get everything? Grrr.
Well, as we all know swine flu is very serious and I’ve put a lot of thought into it. So here is my last will and testament:
I never was a rich man, basically because I have a slew of terrible habits. What little money I do have though, will go to who ever tracks down Maddox (the self proclaimed famous blogger) and kick him right in his self-serving balls. This guy is funny, sure, but his act is kind of tired and his book sucked. Know what else? He didn’t respond to my email. And I’m not just some kid whining he didn’t meet Maddox. Nope. He called out Swine Flu on his blog, and I was going to sneeze in his face and spit in his ginger ale as he requested.
To Berstreet: I’ve shaved my head and bagged the hair. Now you have costume material for years to come. You’re welcome.
To Tom Coughlin: I leave you my 16 inch retractable knight-stick. After knowing you did not go home and beat your son-in-law or your own blood who married him, I’m sending this for every Giants fan. Either you start laying down the law or I’ll fucking haunt the Meadowlands. Don’t mess with me. I’ll have NOTHING better to do. Hell, you can even use this to hit your wife. I don’t care. Just get mean again. Or I’ll have Deacon from King of Queens check your prostate with the GD thing.
To My Parents: Since I’ve prearranged my passing, I’ve deleted all the pornography from my lap top so you can strip it dry of all my writing and give it to a publisher. I’m sure they’ll either make advances on sociopath studies or at least a decent dick-joke sitcom.
Once again, I’ve been emailed by a Logician with an important story that needs to be addressed. This particular issue has weighed heavy on my heart and I tried laying it to the side but it was again brought to my attention and therefor, it cannot be ignored. Not to mention I’m in a bad mood and going to let some one have it. As always, my email address is HatedHero11@gmail.com if you have any tips or submissions. Here’s the letter in its entirety in italics, followed by my response in bold:
Dear Logic (or should I say “Greenman” LOLz!),
Hello and thank you for fielding my letter. This is very important. I’m sorry to interrupt your hectic sports month with the Yankees being in the World Series and all…I think it’s very cool that you take the time out to answer all your fan mail from us Logicians!
Now, to get to my question. I’ve noticed that there is this big “pandemic” lately, something called “swine flu”? I guess. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m not a sinner and I wouldn’t get sick like that because God loves me. I don’t know what type of evil these people have in their bodies but it is obviously very strong if something minuscule like “the flu” will kill them! Am I right? I know what you’re thinking, Logic (Ed. Note: Trust me. You have no idea). I’m not a bad person. You, your the bad person. I just need help on this issue because seeing it (and laughing)makes me think that I’m being a bad person. Anyway, here’s the video:
Now Logic, I have a few questions:
Is it bad to say that I would still have sex with her?
Is she still a good cheerleader?
Is it worth it just to die with the flu?
That black reporter seemed smug. Well, I guess that’s not a question.
What’s amazing about this? Does she recover? They just show her struggle.
Logic, I have many more. But I understand that your time is money and the Yankees got Sabathia on the bump. So, please get back to me whenever you get a chance.
Sincerely,
CheerFever
Dear CheerFever,
First off, that is a truly despicable pen-name for this situation. I commend you.
/swigs whiskey
I’m in no mood for any of this garbage. I’ve been having a bad few weeks because despite the Yankees in the World Series, I truly only care about Football and Notre Dame has no shot at a big bowl game. As well as the Giants losing 3 weeks in a row. I also have some personal issues that I won’t bore you with. (crowd cheers) Oh, real mature. You guys are about as cool as a bag of dicks.
Now, to get to your letter…I don’t think it is mean of you to say that you would still sex her down (Ed. Note: syndrome that is! Wakka Wakka Wakka!). I’m sure she would actually appreciate the compliment. You know her husband hasn’t given her any since she turned into a mongoloid. That guy is probably thinking about the raw deal he got. “Wow, I can’t believe I married such a hot woman who aspires to be a professional football cheerleader! What a lucky guy I am” is what I imagine he said on his wedding day. And then he cheated on her once and POW! Now he has medical bills and drooling to deal with. As for your second question, I would think that she is a bad cheerleader. She can barely gum mashed potatoes without passing out, what makes you think she can do a cartwheel? Even though she does look like she could do a cool little dance if she wanted to. Speaking of which:
I would imagine that dying of swine flu would have been a crueler fate because look, now she is being parodied on the internet and people are wondering if this is “karma” for when she made fun of the uncool kids in High School. I wish people that judge your entire life based on high school would get a disease worse than this. Something where they shit themselves a lot. Because then they’d get made fun of. That is true karma. And yes, that black reporter seemed like a smug jerkoff that likes white girls.
And lastly, I would argue that there is NOTHING amazing about this story. At all. It just seems like news media was just using her as something to scare people away from the flu shot. It’s sad. It’s sad that it happened to a fine piece of ass like that. If it happened to Clint Howard? Who cares. He probably walks around like that anyway. Or at least like Smiegel from Lord of the Rings.
Hurrr Hurrr I'm Clint Howard
But let’s be realistic. Cheerleaders are supposed to look like this:
And that broad does not look like this anymore. I think that Swine Flu is going to help our society in the long run, because since no one is working on my idea to re-animate Charles Darwin and give him a Gattling Gun so we need something to take out the assholes and retards of the universe to create a stronger race of humans. Kind of like a sidekick to colon cancer. We are the highest on the food chain, but what happens when the dinosaurs come back? Huh? Then what are you going to do, mister?
And that broad does not look like this anymore. I think that Swine Flu is going to help our society in the long run, because since no one is working on my idea to re-animate Charles Darwin and give him a Gattling Gun so we need something to take out the assholes and retards of the universe to create a stronger race of humans. Kind of like a sidekick to colon cancer. We are the highest on the food chain, but what happens when the dinosaurs come back? Huh? Then what are you going to do, mister?
