Morning After Pill – June 11teen Edition

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling.  Today’s edition has been crafted by PJD, which means that it’s full of self important bullshit and self congratulatory Nebraska masturbation. That’s how we (I) roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com

First, some people seem to be a little upset about Nebraska (still allegedly) joining the Big 10. While an official announcement of the move is expected today, all I can say is “You mad”. You don’t like getting fisted, don’t come to a gang bang with a number 2 pencil. Just sayin’. On to the recaps.

DEEERRRRPP!!!

NBA: That mildly looking retarded fellow in the front of that picture being draped by Gary Coleman’s son is Glen “Big Baby” Davis. I hope he dies in a vat of lard. However, he played quite the game of an idiot savant Thursday night as his 18 points (nine in the fourth quarter) helped the Boston Celtics even the NBA Finals series with the Lakers at 2-2. Also, it appears that things started getting pretty chippy between the two teams with some awesome fouls being made throughout the game, and I think it was Farmar who almost lost his head. YES. AWESOME. I hope the rest of the series is this violent.

NCAA Football: Oh boy. College football has turned out to be spectacular in June. With the flurry of rumor this week about Nebraska all but being the newest member of the Big 110 (that was originally a typo, but I decide to keep it), fellow Big XII North school and notable worst fans in the entire country, Colorado Buffaloes, officially announced their removal from the Big XII to become the newest member of the Pac10. Cool! So now you’ll become like Baylor in this new conference. What a terrible school. Also, I noticed my pants getting aroused last afternoon and realized it was because USC got popped straight in the toofs by the NCAA because they’re cheaters and bad people. On top of losing scholarships and other self imposed sanctions to other school sports, USC also lost one of their recent Championships (WOO!) and can’t go bowling for two straight years (BOOYA!). Couldn’t happen to a better school. Luckily, USC fans are notoriously blasé about their team, so I’m sure no one there has even noticed yet.

MLB: There were a couple of good baseball games out last night, if you’re into that type of boring shit. Someone, the horrible team in the Oriels squeaked out a winrar against the Yankees, 4-3. The shitastic Cleveland team beat the Red Sox 8-7 as well. Even the lowly Royals beat my hometown Twins 9-8 in quite the nail biter. I’d be lying to you if I said I watched ANY of those games though. LOL! Also, this doesn’t have much to do with anything, but I saw that the new Marlins stadium that they’re building is going to have an aquarium as the backstop behind home plate, full of live fish and everything. WHAT! THAT IS FUCKING AWESOME. Good for you, forgettable Florida team.

NFL: Benetration has admitted that his actions which have led to, oh, a couple of sexual allegations were immature. /wanking motion followed by a back hand.

Obligatory sexy time: (more…)

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Tags: Benetration, Celtics, Lakers, Minnesota Twins, Morning After Pill, Nebraska Cornhuskers, New York Yankees, PJD, Sexy Time, USC
Category Morning After Pill |

The Morning After Pill

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com

NFL: The Raiders are once again proving to be incompetent. They’ve filed a grievance against JaMarcus Russell in order to try and reclaim $9.55 million in money paid to him for the next two seasons. The thing is, that was guaranteed money that they owed him as stipulated in his contract. JaMarcus ended up making $36.4 million over three years and is apparently still owed another $3 million.

It's funny because he's fat.

-KSK

NHL: Still no more hockey last night and again, there’s no more tonight. Nice move Gary.

Official Gally Blog NHL Story Picture

MLB: The Mets, who surely are a sign of the apocalypse or as I like to call it the Metspocalypse, shut out the Phillies again. 3-0. Winning a series completely by shutouts is by no means a common feat in this era. The last time the Mets did it was in 1969. Against the Phillies. It has been opined that the Mets didn’t have to face Halladay, but I think being defensive would not have helped the moribund offence. Albert Pujols hit his first homerun and drove in his first runs in 12 games, last night as the Cardinals beat the Padres 8-3. Daisuke Matsuzaka pitched an awesome game last night. Awesome for the schadenfreude it produced. He walked 8 batters, hit another one and threw a wild pitch for good measure. The Red Sox as a result lost 4-3.

NBA: (more…)

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Tags: Albert Pujols, Daisuke Matsuzaka, Gary Bettman, JaMarcus Russell, Lakers, Metspocalypse, Rafael Nadal, Ron Artest
Category Morning After Pill |

The Morning After Pill

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com

NFL: OMG! The NFL is going to have an open air, cold weather Super Bowl. The 2014 Super Bowl has been awarded to: the NY Giants/NY Jets, who with one of the newer NFL traditions, built a new $1.6 billion stadium and were rewarded with a Super Bowl. Blowing tax payer money has never been so enticing. Well, unless you’re Goldman Sachs. That’s a zing you see.

NHL: There was no hockey last night as the Stanley Cup Finals matchup between The Philadelphia Flyers and Chicago Blackhawks doesn’t start until Saturday. Yeah, 5 days between games. Nice move Bettman.

Official Gally Blog NHL Story Picture

So why then are we talking about Hockey? Well, did you think we were going to waste precious space with Basketball? Hahahahahahahahah. Oh yeah, Canadian hero and Detroit legend, Steve Yzerman, has been named the new GM of the Tampa Bay Lightning. Good luck Stevie, you’re going to need it.

MLB: Even though Steve Phillips, *cough*douche*cough* thinks that he’d trade Steven Strasburg for Roy Oswalt straight up, and Oswalt has asked for a trade, the Astros have no intention of trading him. Yet. Tough luck Dodgers fans. Carl Crawford was ejected from the game yesterday for trash talking. Seriously, here’s the words right out of his mouth, “It went back and forth. He didn’t want to back down, and I definitely wasn’t going to lose a trash-talking contest.” That guy who didn’t want to back down, the umpire. Also tossed for arguing with the ump, manager Joe Maddon. Sigh. Will athletes ever learn that arguing with the ref/ump/judge/whomever does absolutely no good? The ump is never going to back down in public like that. Never. In a clear sign that we’ve all died and are on the “Lost” style purgatory island, the Mets won last night. Over the Phillies. By a 9 runs. In a shutout. Having gave up 9 hits. I guess this is my sign to marry Blake Lively, as clearly miracles do happen.

Tangentially relevant

NBA: (more…)

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Tags: Blake Lively, Kobe Bryant, Lakers, Mets, Nicole Spitzack, Stanley Cup Finals, Steve Nash, Steve Yzerman, Suns, Super Bowl 2014
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The Morning After Pill: The I’m Late Edition

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com

NFL: So just like everyone else in the world, Vikings coach Brad Childress has no idea whether Brett Favre is going to retire or even have surgury on his “injured” ankle. It’s all good though, he wants us to know that him and Favre have been texting each other. Cool beans man, maybe now they can take it to the next step and go down to the soda shoppe and maybe, just maybe, hold hands.

NBA: The Kobe Bryant rape face was back in action last night and it wasn’t just any old edition, it was the prom night version. While the Suns double teamed him to prevent major damage in only kind of helped. Though he was held to 21 points he had 13 assists, many of which went to Pau Gasol who had 29 points. Jason Richardson had 27 points to help the Suns to a 112-124 loss. This was the Lakers 8th straight win and 10th overall at home.

NHL: Again due to Gary Bettman’s incompetence, there was no Hockey last night. Sure there are only two series left playing, but why play them back to back on the same night so the East coast doesn’t stay up to watch the Western Conference matchup? Dumbass.

Derp!

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Tags: FAIL Mets, Gary Bettman, Hanley Ramirez, Kobe Bryant, Lakers, Pau Gasol, Phoenix Suns, Steven Strasburg
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The Morning After Pill: berstreet Edition 3.0

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness. Or because gimp will start having flashbacks of some of his bad trips and end up convulsing on the floor in fetal position.

It’s me again! What better way to kick off your morning, than a healthy dose of severe personality problems? Let’s get this rollin’…

NBA: So two things that were awesome happened yesterday for the season tip-off. #1 being (of course) my Celts rollin’ over the dynamic LBJ-Shaq Attack duo in the most talked about opener. I call them my Celts, because I love KG with all of my heart. If he needed a kidney, and I was sober for like.. at least a day…I would totally give it to him. I would also consider being his vessel for bringing the next great KG into the world. I don’t care if that’s creepy. Shut up. Anyway, he made a great comeback after being forced to sit the last 25 games of the previous season with a knee injury. He put up the double-double with 13 points & 10 rebounds. Oh! and! Paul Pierce was the Celts’ leading scorer with 23 points, and 11 rebounds for the double-double. Obviously LBJ was the Cavs’ leading scorer with 38 points. Do I care? NOPE. They got KTFO! Okay. So #2 comes in the form of the greatest headline ever: Lakers Launch Title Defense With Win Over Clippers. Maybe I’m just stating the obvious here, but shouldn’t we expect the Lakers to beat the Clippers? How depressing is that for the Clippers as a non-home-opener-kind-of-home-opener? I mean…they’re still at their arena, except 97% of the people in attendance are there to see the Lakers. I’m pretty sure even when the Lakers aren’t playing there, 97% of the people in attendance are still there to see the Lakers. It’s kind of like being the “grenade” of a pair of girl friends.

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Tags: AIDS, Andre Agassi, awesomeness, Basketball, Celtics, Fantasy Football, Green Bay Packers, hockey, It\’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Lakers, Lambeau Field, LeBron James, Minnesota Vikings, premature ejaculation, Shaq, The Clippers, World Series
Category Morning After Pill |

The Morning After Pill: berstreet Edition 2.0

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the goings on in the sporting world. Certain teams and sports are left out due to either lack of caring or an extreme hangover. Maybe a weak hangover also, we’re kind of soft like that.

Lucky for you, you get my version of the MAP again!  I know you couldn’t wait.  But I’m at work, so let’s get this show on the road, shall we?

NFL: The Giants got destroyed by the Saints.  Who saw that one coming?!  I know Logic didn’t.  Neither did I, or I would’ve started Reggie Bush in my fantasy league.  The Titans…I mean, is someone going to contract them?  Can teams get contracted in the NFL like they can the MLB?  59-0 is super embarrassing.  They should probably just forfeit the season and hope for better luck/coaching/players/management/a new rabbit’s foot next year.  The Cards did a pretty good job against a skeletal Seattle team.  Big ups to my boy Fitz for getting me a good chunk of points 2 weeks in a row.  Then we have my beloved Vikings who did not win that game – The Ravens BLEW IT.  I seriously laughed out loud at an ESPN.com headline I saw yesterday that said, “Favre’s Late Heroics End Ravens Rally.” Whatever simpleton wrote that should be fired.  Or buy new eyes.  Or something.  I was at the game, and the 1st quarter was awesome; it was fun, it was electric.  Then the rest of the game happened.  My favorite parts were when B’more just kind of sauntered into the endzone for a couple easy TDs.  Our only saving grace, apparently, is how loud we were booing and screaming.  So loud, in fact, that my friend told me the announcers on TV were annoyed with us.  Whatev…the Ravens choked, and we’re 6-0.  I don’t care about the rest of the games.  Sorry.

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Tags: abortion, Angels, Baltimore Ravens, Bradford, Brett Favre, Celtics, college football, Dodgers, Florida Gators, good luck, Kevin Garnett, Lakers, New Orleans Saints, New York Giants, NFL, OSU, Phillies, plan b, Purdue, Timberwolves, Vikings, Yankees
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Post-Weekend Update

Well the weekend is over so it’s time for an… update? I hope I don’t get sued for using that generic phrase, although I’m more likely to be sued for the non generic image I used.

Lakers Win: So much for all that stuff we’ve been hearing about Kobe not being good at baseball basketball. I always get those two mixed up. He only has to win two more to match that MJ character, of course I mean Jordan not Jackson(Dick Joke removed due to Iran). Cheers to LA for it’s 15th*championship.
Penguins win: The Penguins of Pittsburgh won their 3d NHL Title, after defeating the Detroit Red Wings in game 7 in Detroit 2-1. They survived a late game surge to have Sidney Crosby become the youngest player to captain his team to the title. I will have more on this in a later post
Raul Ibanez: The 37 year old, who had never hit more than 33 HR in a season before, added his 22′d this weekend in his 60th game. That puts him on pace for a measly 59HR and 159 RBI this season. Not bad for a journeyman outfielder. I thought MLB tested for this stuff only Brett Favre could compete at a miraculous pace at sports retirement age.
Nicklas Lidstrom: So it appears there may be a reason he wasn’t at his peak in the finals/missed games in the conference finals.. He had testicular surgery. YEAH. If that’s me, I’m probably not skating any time soon. It appears we have an early appearance for manly (sports)man of the year.

*They won 4 in Minnesota before moving to LA….cheaters

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Tags: Ibanez, Lakers, Lidstrom, Penguins, Recap, Sports, Update, Weekend
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Lakers vs Nuggets Game 5

Well it seems that everyone, including David Stern is going to get their wish. That’s right it appears inevitable that we’re bound for a Kobe vs. LeBron Howard NBA Finals. Can you feel the excitement? Well anyways, the Lakers won 103-94. Kobe had 22pts 8ast and 5rbd and Lamar Odom had 19pts and 14rbd, whilst Carmelo Anthony had 31pts in a losing effort.
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Tags: Carmelo, Kobe, Lakers, NBA, Nuggets
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