The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness. Mostly lack of caring, though. And my tendency to be bitter about things that don’t go my way.
NFL: The Vikings were on bye this weekend, so I know everyone was super bored and not really interested in any of the games that were on. That is, unless you have Greg Olsen on your fantasy team. I do not, but my opponent this week does. Do you know what that means? It means Greg Olsen has singled-handedly almost ruined my life this week. Do you know why? Because Greg Olsen, the TE from Chicago, scored all 3 of Chicago’s touchdowns yesterday with a total of 5 receptions for 71 yards. Fortunately, they still got stomped by the Cards. Which, by the way, how the hell did that happen? Kurt Warner did a total 180 in a week. He threw for 5 TOUCHDOWNS. FIVE. Two of which were to my boy Fitz (What-What!). Whodathunkit? Anyway, in another miraculous win we had Tampa Bay – rockin’ those sweet unis.
Seriously, those things are dope. Much better than the heinous ones Denver’s been donning. In the Battle of the Bays, Tampa put up 38 to Green’s 28. Green Bay should be embarrassed. Rodgers got sacked 6 times and threw 3 interceptions, one of which was returned for a TD. Say “good bye” to the post season, Green Bay!!! So, Sunday Night Football happened. Which also means Bob Costas happened. Are you kidding me? The guy must’ve attended an asshole convention last week, cuz he would not quit with the dickish questions. That’s right, viewers want to watch/listen to you harp on Romo’s “jaunty cap” for 45 minutes, Bob. Shut up with your mountain lion-looking self, seriously. Whatever. Philly lost to Romo’s “devil-may-care” chapeau, 20-16. The game wasn’t really that great. If you read that article I linked to, they spend a good portion of it talking about last season. Most likely because there was nothing but loads of idiot coming from the Philadelphia sideline as Andy Reid’s Childress Face was showing. #1: Good job on that ridiculous challenge, buddy. You screwed your team out of time outs for the entire 4th quarter. #2: The score is 20-13, and because you’re clearly a math major, you settle for a field goal. Remember a few minutes before that when you wasted a challenge, thus depleting your team’s TOs? Yeah, see you completely set yourself up for the failure you deserved. That is all.
NBA: There were some basketball games yesterday. I kind of feel bad for the NBA on Sundays, because until February, no one cares. There was only one game that appeared to be even remotely competitive: Philadelphia 76ers vs. Detroit Pistons. Guess what? Philly lost. Geez, just a bunch of losers over there in Philly! This season marks the return of Ben Wallace to the Pistons as the big brother mentor-type to Kwame Brown, Jason Maxiell and Chris Wilcox. Apparently he was showing them how it’s done, because he was the team leader in 3 of 5 categories: Rebounds (16), Steals (3), and Blocks (3). He put up 2 points…yay? Boohoo, there’s no one on the 6ers that I care about so I’m not going to talk about it. The Wolves lost again, and their record now sits at 1-6. The ESPN recap (here) cites Blazers Coach Nate McMillan’s fantastical experiment to start 3 guards as ahem blazing the trail to victory. False. The Wolves are terrible. Their record says so. I really, really, really want them to be good. So, boys, I’m pleading with you: STEP IT THE F UP! Good lord.
Soccer (as we yanks call it): The only thing I’m even mildly interested in is that David Beckham has pulled out (heh heh) of the England squad for its match vs. Brasil on Saturday. Apparently, he helped lead the LA Galaxy to a semi-final win over Chivas USA, and they are now headed to the finals against Houston Dynamo on Friday. Beckham is a bit of a soccer slut, as he’s played for Manchester United and Real Madrid, as well as on loan to Milano and Preston North End. But, I mean…he looks like this:
So he can be slutty with me if he wants. I wouldn’t mind, I guess. Also, yay America!! Viva Los Angeles!
I hope you all have a great Monday! If there’s anything I can do to make it special, just let me know. For instance, if you’d like a mustache ride from Gally; or if you need to take your frustrations out on someone, gimp knows how to take a beating. Or! If you’d simply like to tickle each other and talk about boys, I’m game for that.
GO PAPER CHAMPIONS!!!