Celebrity Sex Rehab, Season 2.
- Welcome to Celebrity Sex Rehab, I'm Dr. Drew. And I Miss Adam Corolla.
Dr. Drew: Now, on to business. I have been given permission by VH1 to have a second season of my spin off show Celebrity Sex Rehab where the patients are getting even more famous in some areas. And much, much more unknown in others. Even though, the unknown need the help the most. Without further ado, the patients!
audience claps
Dr. Drew: My first patient is a not so popular blogger from The Gally Blog and a bunch of personal volunteer blogs. He is a part-time comedian and full time sociopath. He says he’s addicted to sex and even more addicted to porn. Biggest addiction? Fantasy football. So there may be hope for him yet. Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome, Logic from Long Island, New York.
audience looks at each other awkwardly.
Logic: waves Hi, Doc.
Dr. Drew: So, tell us why you think you are a sex addict?
Logic: Well, Doc…to be honest, I love whores. The thing is, I don’t make a lot of money. And with the money that I do make, I spend it on booze. So I really didn’t know which show to be on! Honest, Doc.
Dr. Drew: Well, we will help you get over that problem. Hopefully both. If you listen to me and have willpower, we will see all the great things you can accomplish.
crowd applauds.
Dr. Drew: Our next panel member isn’t quite as famous as Logic. He has been around since the early SNL days and has even done movies that we will be talking about in future episodes, such as Deuce Bigalow Male Gigolo. Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome Rob Schneider.
Rob Schneider: Hi, Drew. How’s it goin’, bro? Remember when we did Loveline? Ha. Good times. No but, seriously. Hello.
Dr. Drew: Well Rob, I’ve never really heard much about you being a sex addict. Tell us a story about your horrible addiction, would you?
Rob Schneider: Um. Yeah. Sure. Ok. Well, there was this one time, I was with this girl. I mean two girls. right?
Logic: Are you asking or telling? Me and Doc Drew weren’t there. Just tell the damn story, mumbles.
Rob Schneider: Right. So it was me and these two girls and we were making out and I was going to try to fuck them! And then I took my shirt down and they saw this:
- It's Permenant.
Rob Schneider: No. But seriously. I had sex with two girls.
Logic: Oh shut it, Schneider. You get laid less than a Priest.
Rob Schneider: Nuh-uh.
Logic: Yeah, dude. Did you ever see that South Park about you? You’re a joke. No one even remembers that “Makin’ copieeeessss” bullshit except me because I am THAT bored at home all day in between sexing all these ladies and getting blotto.
Dr. Drew: Easy, Logic. Let’s move on. Shall we? Our next contestant rivals Rob and almost kind of looks like him if you squint too hard. Please welcome, Pauly Shore!
Pauly Shore: HEYYYYYUHHHH!!!! WHAT’S UPPPPUHHHHH?!? I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M ON TV AGAINUHHHHH!! THIS IS SO EXCITING FOR ME! THE SQUIRREL MAN!!!
Dr. Drew: Man, this is going to be a long season.
Logic: You got that right, Drew. What’d you find all of these celebrities at the same Best Western? I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone of Unfunny. I think I own both of their movies and use them as cup holders.
Pauly: HEYUHHHH DON’T HATE, PARTICIPATE! Who’s Logic anywho? WHO! WHHHOOOOO! What a funny word, WHOO!!
Logic: I swear to Christ, if you keep up this bullshit for 13 episodes, me and you are going to rumble.
Dr. Drew: Logic, you need to relax. I think this is your problem. You get aggravated about small problems which leads to light drinking which leads to heavy drinking which leads to blackouts which leads to hookers and cocaine.
Logic: This is starting to sound like a party.
Dr. Drew: No. This is, Rehab. (looks at camera, sternly)
audience claps
Pauly Shore: ANDUHHH THIS IZZUHH SPARTUHHHHHHH!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!
audience boos
Dr. Drew: On that note, we need to introduce our next celebrity. He is of recent stardom and is a fantastic singer from American Idol with a quirky sense of humor, Adam Lambert!
Adam Lambert: Hi everybody!
Dr. Drew: Now, Adam. You are the only homosexual on the show. Can you tell us about when you knew you were a sex addict?
Adam Lambert: Well, this is court mandated. So, no.
Logic: (stops praying) Thanks, man.
Dr. Drew: Fair enough, and for our next celebrity, let’s all please welcome a FORMER porn star, Bree Olson.
- Oops. Hehe. Am I Under Dressed?
Pauly Shore and Rob Schneider get wood.
Logic: What the fuck kind of show are you running here, Doc? You tell me to quit sex and then BOOM! You bring in a chick I spank it to? I’m going to have to self medicate until my dick is numb.
Bree Olson: Hi boys.
Dr. Drew: Now, Bree. I need to know that your commitment to this show is serious. We’d like you to open up and tell us about when you broke down.
Bree Olson: Well, Doc. As you can tell by my profession, it’s hard to NOT get addicted to sex. I lost my virginity at age 13 and ever since then, I just loved it. The worst happened once I got Twitter and started meeting random guys off the internet. At one point I was sucking close to 8 dicks a week!
Adam Lambert: That’s nothing.I would do that in a day.
Logic: Gross, man.
Dr. Drew: Excellent. Thank you for sharing Bree. And our last contestant is the reason we even got approved for this show. David Duchovney and Steve Phillips were both turned down by corporate for being incredibly boring. And that’s coming from me, so you know how boring they can get. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome the 2nd most recognizable face on planet earth, Tiger Woods!
[door flies open]
Enter Tiger talking on a cell phone
- Oh. You didn't know?
Tiger: (speaking into a cellphone)…No! No! You tell GM, I don’t give a fat flying fuck. They can go suck their dad’s dick. I don’t need GM money. Hey, did Trojan sign me yet? I want the magnum line. (to Bree Olson) What’s up, girl? (back to cellphone) No. It doesn’t matter if I have the dick of a Chinese man. I want the magnum line. I’m fucking Tiger Tiger Tiger Woods, y’all. I’m every bad stereotype between both races. I will talk through your movie and drive like I have a dick in my mouth. Gatorade? FUCK Gatorade. Those flavors they sucked balls. I wanted Grape and Apple. Would’ve called it Grapple! Because I just kick ass, like those UFC fighters, you see. That’s a joke, dick. Laugh at Tiger’s jokes or I’ll cuckold you.
Dr. Drew: Now, Tiger. I know you want to get back with your wife Elin. I don’t think talking like that will salvage the relationship.
Tiger Woods: (hears Dr. Drew. Tiger hangs up the phone) What the fuck did you just say to me?
Logic: Easy now, Tiger. See what I did there?
Tiger Woods: And who the fuck are you, playboy? I’ll butt fuck you.
Rob Schneider: That’s not even a threat. That’s like your hobby, huh?
Tiger Woods: Listen, cracker. Shut up and get out of this room immediately.You’re getting career AIDs on me. I heard you did this shit to Magic Johnson, asshole. I should sodomize you with this driver I brought. You know, because I bring golf clubs everywhere I go because I am the best to ever hit this mother fucking earth. I used to not even talk like a gangsta! That was until I realized how gangsta I was. and that’s pretty fuckin’ gangsta.
Rob Schneider leaves room. Audience claps
Dr. Drew: Wow. Tiger, we all know your sexual stories because they were flooding the news paper for days.
Tiger Woods: And let me cut you off there, suit. I don’t need you telling me what I can and can’t do to a woman. Tiger brings the pain AND pleasure. I am a GD Blasian! Can you resist this yellow-chocolate? Hell, I’d fuck me. I know Shore has tried to fuck me.
Pauly Shore: HEYYYYUUUHHHHH!!!
Tiger Woods: (back hands Pauly) Don’t start that shit. I swear on my swing that I will beat the tar outta you, son. And then! I’ll make your mother give ME some Bio Dome. Gnomesayin? (phone rings)
Dr. Drew: Tiger, could you turn…
Tiger Woods: NO! I WILL NOT TURN ANYTHING OFF, SUIT! I will rain fire from this building and beat this faggot Lambert silly. He won’t get raped though. Murderin’ fags in quicker. Oh it was just a twitter update from…Bree Olson? What the fuck? Damn girl, you’s a freak. You’re what Akon was singing about. I like that. Want me to give you the Angry Pirate?
Bree Olson: Sure! hehe!
Tiger Woods: Alright later, chalk dicks. I’m going to fuck this blond until she starts thinking like a lady and then break up with her through the media. Have fun with your, arid, Sahara desert weiners while I give out a few Piledriveres.
Logic: Damn. This guy is crazy and I think stalking me.
Dr. Drew. Just cut. Cut to a fucking commercial. FUCK!
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