Author: Nonpopulist Published: September 8th, 2010
The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the AFC East.
Why the Miami Dolphins will suck this year:
The Miami Dolphins appear poised to make a run at winning the division title in the AFC East this year. One problem, they are starting a flash in the pan quarterback (Chad Henne) while a proven veteran (Chad Pennington) will begin the year on the bench. Also, the Dolphins’ offense will still rely heavily on the wildcat single wing. Not that there is anything wrong with the single wing, except it’s for pussies. Henne will falter despite the kool-aid people are currently drinking after his impressive run of performances to end last season. The big free agent splash made by the Brandon Marshall signing will have little to no impact considering this team will try to run the ball behind an aging Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown who is recovering from injury. Yeh, this is your year Dolphins’ fans. *mouth fart* Prediction: 8-8
Why the New York Jets will suck this year:
The hype machine can not produce a much bigger snowball than the New York Jets have rolling right now. Lost in the Hard Knocks hoopla is the fact the Jets have a one-sided offense. Mark Sanchez can not be relied upon for anything other than handing the ball off to Shonn Greene and hopefully not Ladainian Tomlinson. What a relief that Darrelle Revis finally signed a contract extension and is finally practicing with the team. But wait, he’s not in football shape. He missed all of training camp, the preseason, and hasn’t been hitting anyone. That makes for a likely early season injury. I’m thinking he will have something with his hamstring that will hang around all year. The Jets are bound to disappoint this year. Prediction: 9-7
Why the New England Patriots will suck this year:
I predict the series of lackluster seasons for the Patriots will continue this year. It’s awfully hard to win games in the National Football League when you can’t cheat to win. Wouldn’t you agree, Bill Belichick? Belichick, the NFL’s Eddie Guerrero (RIP) already has a depleted secondary to start the year. The hole left by departing defensive veterans such as Brushy, Vrabel, Rodney Harrison, Asante Samuel, and Richard Seymour won’t be as bad as last year, but they are still lacking in talent. Randy Moss isn’t happy. He doesn’t feel wanted since he hasn’t been offered a big new contract. Does he want Robert Kraft to come read him a damn bedtime story too? And maybe stick two fingers in his vagina? Randy Moss isn’t a locker room cancer when he’s unhappy. He’s locker room necrotic tissue. He just shuts down, shrivels up and dies. Ask the Vikings and the Raiders. That’s all this team needs to be successful this year- a distraction on top of lacking talent. And Tom Brady has gone soft. There, I said it. Predcition 5-11
Why the Buffalo Bills will suck this year:
The Bills have a new coach, Chan Gailey, and with a name like Gailey you know he has to be good at football. The Bills are going to be at the bottom of this division for some time. They have two very talented running backs in Fred Jackson and the rookie C.J. Spiller, and then they have Marshawn Lynch. What’s up with that dude? I know he has a minor injury right now, but does it seem to anyone besides me that he is fading out of existence like somebody messed up in Back to the Future? Trent Edwards can be a decent quarterback, but the offensive line will not give him a chance to succeed. There is some talent on defense, but not enough to make a difference in their division. Prediction 3-13
Remember the speculation that Bill Parcells was going to retire last year and collect the rest of his $12 million contract without having to work the remaining years on his deal with the Dolphins after the team was sold to now owner Stephen Ross due to a clause in Parcells’ deal allowing him to do so if the team was sold? If not click here or here. The rumors of his retirement were discussed so much that it led me to believe Coach Parcells was at least seriously considering retiring again. But as those two stories pointed out (in September and January of 2009 respectively), he eventually said he was going to stay and is still with the team now going into what I predict will be a good season for the Dolphins (whatever that’s worth)
The rumors of Bill Parcells retiring (for good this time, I think) may heat up again after this NFL upcoming season, though. I have been given information from what I consider to be a credible source about the two-time Super Bowl winning coach and current Miami Dolphins Executive Vice President of Football Operations Bill Parcells which leads me to believe he is mulling retirement again. It may not seem like much at face value, but bear with me a minute. (more…)
Okay folks, it’s Thursday Night Football in the NFL again. I had planned on having a preview for all this weeks games up today but I’ve been dealing with flaky Internet for the last couple hours, so instead you get todays game today and the rest of the games tomorrow. Tonights game features the Miami Dolphins on the road against the suddenly alive Carolina Panthers. According to Cent Sports, The Panthers are favored by three points tonight. Does that make sense to you? Well, it should.
Nearly the entirety of the Dolphins offense is based on Ronnie Brown and the Wildcat formation.
It’s Monday folks. Yes the week has started, and yes Mondays are almost exclusively designated as a shitty, shitty day…But it’s football season, thus making Mondays awesome. Monday Night Football, and football in general is everything that is right in America, next to happy hour specials and anonymous, casual sex.
Tonight’s contest has the New York Jets facing off against the Miami Dolphins. For some inexplicable reason the Dolphins are hosting their second MNF game of the season. We’ll file that under the heading of “Good idea at the time.” I guess winning the AFC East last season was enough to justify 2 MNF games during the first 5 weeks of the season. Eh whatever.
Last time the Dolphins hosted a MNF game against the Colts I had the pleasure of attending. And by pleasure I mean that I paid $50+ on stadium booze to not even get mildly buzzed. I was actually drunk going into the game and somehow drinking in the stadium actually sobered me up. I’m not quite sure how that works, but it did. You may recall my drunken recollection of the game. Tonight game will be enjoyed from the confines of my own home. Where the booze is cheap and I can poop use the bathroom without worrying about contracting Hep C from the toilet seat.
A win here and the Dolphins are back in the hunt for the AFC East. A loss and it more than likely becomes a footrace for the AFC East between the Patriots and Jets. At which point the Dolphins will be focused on trying not to be as bad as the Buffalo Bills, who are god awful, but more on that in a bit.
The Jets are coming off a loss to the Saints. On the plus side the Jets have added WR Braylon Edwards to the fold, which will definitely benefit their passing game. Not to mention he can always punch someone in the face if necessary.
The Dolphins started this season 0-3, which is no reason to panic, right? I mean they did lose starting QB Chad Pennington for the season, but don’t panic, right? Should they be panicking? I mean they played pretty good against the Colts a few weeks back, controlling time of possession and outgaining the Colts on the ground. I mean, sure they lost, but they have some momentum on their side now. Just last week they beat the Buffalo Bills. Hmm. The same Buffalo Bills who could only put up 3 points against a Cleveland Browns team whose QB, Derek Anderson, could only complete 2 of his 17 passes. Yeah I would be mildly concerned if I were the Dolphins, but way more concerned if I were the Bills.
Speaking of the Buffalo Bills, their head coach Dick Jauron is so gone after this season. That is if he even makes it to the end of the season. My list of coaches to be fired this season, during or after, looks something like Jim Zorn, Dick Jauron, and Jack del Rio. And in the case that these coaches aren’t fired, the NFL could always look to de-expansion the league.
Hear me out. Sure the NFL is big on expansion, but how about going the reverse route. Instead of adding more teams, how about getting rid of teams. Like really shitty teams. Maybe do some type of elimination playoff where the winning team gets to stay in the league while the losers are relocated to the UFL or the CFL. Either one would really suffice. The only downside to that plan is it lacks a clear cut strategy of getting rid of Detroit. The city, not just the team, but I digress.
Now I don’t really care who wins this game. Well let me take that back. I care to a certain extent because the Jets by 3.5 points and the over of 36.5 is the difference between me winning money and me losing the functionality of both my knee caps. Gambling debts aside I don’t have any real emotions vested in this game. Which means I’m totally able to make fun of both fan sets.
Jets fans will probably react to the above video by calling that kid the C-word. Followed by a plethora of expletives and finish it off by wishing bodily harm to that child’s family as the child watches.
Dolphins fans will think this youngster’s angst is so cute and adorable. That is until he’s all grown up and starts going to games dressed like this…
Either that or he’ll grow up to be a criminal…But I’m thinking that’s more of a Miami thing and not so much related to Dolphin fandom.
Really? This is the kind of shit you have to put up with any time you discuss any of the Miami teams. FML…
Hey you’re from south Florida, aren’t you a Fins fan?
It’s a terrible thing to stereotype fandom based solely on geographical location. Just because I live in the frenulum of the dong shaped state known as Florida does not mean I cheer for the Finned ones. I may bet on them from time to time, but that doesn’t equate to team allegiance.
Dolphins are numero uno, mang!
Uh they’re 0-3. I fail to see how that means they’re #1.
Now back to what I was saying. Imagine if you will, you’re a Dolphins fan. Last season you won the AFC East, which is definitely a good thing. However, this season you’re off to an 0-3 start and your star starting quarterback Chad Pennington is done for the season with a shoulder injury.
Which may be no big deal if you were looking at Chad Henne to be the future leader of the team. However, Bill Parcells appears to have a different idea. One that his superior intelligence and football knowledge has decided it’s a good idea to trade for Tyler Thigpen…of the Kansas City Chiefs…
Even the dog agrees.
I may be recalling this incorrectly, heavy drinking does tend to distort how you experience things, but it seemed like it was on a weekly basis that Thigpen would start, then be benched in favor of Brodie Croyle, only to start again the following week. The tandem of Thigpen and Coryle combined to make one sub-par quarterback. Or to put it in perspective, Tavaris Jackson…But far whiter. Or go put it in even further perspective, a non-Jewish version of Sage Rosenfels.
My guess is that neither Henne, Thigpen, or Pennington are the long term solution at QB for the Dolphins. Who is? I haven’t the slightest clue. What I do know is that Pennington’s contract is done at the end of the season, so Henne either needs to sack up or get used to a career as a backup. And please can we hold off on the Tebow to the Dolphins talk, for at least a few more months. That would be awesome.
The Morning After Pill is The Gally Blog’s daily recap of the sporting world. Some sports and teams are left out due to a lack of me caring.
NFL: It was either a good game with a poor outcome, or shitty game with a great outcome depending on who you cheer for. The Dolphins ran for 241 yards and chewed up 45:07 in game time. That has all the markings of a great win. Except they didn’t. Even though Peyton Manning and the Colts only had the ball for 14:53, they managed to win 27-24. Peyton through for a ridiculous 13 yards per throw, and passed for 2 TD’s while Dallas Clark caught 7 balls for 182 yards and 1 TD. This years Colts look very similar to last year’s Colts in that they can neither run nor stop the run. It’s going to be a long season for any fellow Colts fans.
MLB: Angels pitcher Joe Saunders pitched into the ninth inning, giving up two earned runs on two home runs. Those were the only runs he gave up though, as the Angels defeated the Yankees 5-2. With a win, the Yankees would have clinched a playoff spot, but it was their second failure at this in a row. Pettite only gave up 3 runs, but his reliever and closer also gave up a run, which doesn’t bold well for the Yanks in the playoffs. The Twins whupped the White Sox 7-0 to move 2.5 games behind the Tigers for the AL Central. Whuppity do dog. It’s baseball. Minnesota fans should still slit their wrists.
NBA: Ron Artest is batshit fucking crazy. He also says that Laker fans can completely blame him if they don’t repeat as champions.
Everything else in sports sucked or wasn’t worth caring about, so no news on them today.
I don’t have what most people consider the necessary “experience” or “credentials” required to post a legit preview of the AFC East. However, what I lack in football knowledge I make up for with my ability to consume vast amounts of alcohol. Something my AA sponsor can attest to. Realistically this post is a drinking game disguised as an AFC East Preview, which is statistically proven to be better than any predictions or fantasy tips that I could possibly give. So sit back, relax, and get your beer/liquor/shots of choice ready for some 2009 AFC East football.
Note: Drinks are stated as whatever a standard sip is to you. Personal preference varies and can mean a two second gulp to some or shot gunning an entire beer to others. If it says take a shot, it’s referring to a shot of heavy alcohol, ie liquor, but I recommend doing so sparingly. Oh yeah, one more thing. We here at the Gally Blog are not responsible for any harm suffered as a result of actually playing the drinking game suggestions in this post. Seriously, pace yourselves…You lightweights!
The defending champs. Woohoo! Sarcasm Even though I am geographically located down in the penis shaped peninsula of the US of A it’s hard for me to get behind them, mainly because I’m so sick and tired of them running that damned Wildcat formation. Sure it’s effective sometimes, but even when it’s not they will continue to run it until I am out of things to throw at my T.V. From here on out I only want to hear the phrase “wildcat” mentioned when it’s in reference to some sexy cougar who is eye fucking the hell out of me as she sips her peach mango martini from across the bar.
Now that’s a Wildcat I can get behind…
Drinking game to be played while watching the Dolphins:
As a rule of thumb anytime the Wildcat is run or even spoken by any announcer take a drink. This will more than likely occur at an astronomical rate during the course of a game so be sparingly with your drinks. That is unless you have a steel clad liver, or access to a fresh IV the next morning, which is rumored to be the best way to overcome a hangover.
In the case you make it through an entire quarter without the Wildcat being ran, just finish whatever drink you have in your hand.
Since reporters and news media personalities keep referring to Chad Pennington as a short term solution at quarterback have a drink every time Chad Henne is mentioned as being the future at quarterback.
Any mention of Bill Parcells should result in a drink. Drink two if Parcells is mentioned in relation to his turning the team around after their 1-15 season.
Have a drink anytime the Dolphins march their way down field only to kick a field goal, throw an interception, or come away without any points at all. Drink 2 if you consider yourself to be a Dolphins’ fan. Drink 3 if all the above occurs and you own a Dan Marino jersey. Seriously fuck that guy. Way to never win a Super Bowl during your tenure here…Dick.