What’s up guys? A whole bunch of sports headlines, Brian Westbrook…LaDanian Tomlinson…Tony Kornheiser… Pffttt. There really isn’t anything going on that isn’t Olympics related. Whatever, I’m over it. Especially when Hillary Duff be blowin’ dudes and what not.
Tunes: Company of Thieves- Even in the Dark (live at Horseshoe Bend in Arizona)
First up, we got Ufford writing for the actual Uproxx website and 6 ways to bother your commenters. Is it me or does his best work come when he is yelling at internet commenters? (See also, KSK)
Actually, a double dose of of Ufford is in order because he found some pictures of The Situation with Bar Rafaeli. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been trying to MMA fight the Situation for a while now…but now, I won’t stop until all of his blood is out of his body.
Second song: Ke$ha- Tik Tok (cover)
PUNTE has the scoop on Michael Vick getting offered some money for Playgirl. Do girls even read that? Shouldn’t it just be called Playgay or something much funnier than that?
I really hope they do this Captain America movie right and just cast Randy Couture
I’ve just spent hours on the /b/ thread at 4Chan. I didn’t know whether to link Battletoads or Michael Tri-Cera-tops. I’ve known about 4Chan but never really looked at what they do there…Jesus tapdancing Christ. Those guys are so meme’d out it’s unreadable to the newfags.
I think this dog wants to take a run at Birthday Dog for the title of Birthday Dog
Mariusz Pudzianowski is fighting MMA now. Soon, there will be no 155 class. After Brock, Bobby Lashley and now him…these emm effers are getting bigger and bigger. Kind of like your dad at a Russian Bath House.
Alright I think that about covers it. What do you think Gangsta Asian man?
My weekly Thursday segment is here. First order of business? Joe Francis beating the bejesus out of Jayde Nicole. Is that how he treats girls that won’t flash him? Or was she too old? I wonder how he treats ugly broads because Jayde is pretty much perfect (NSFW Pictures Here). Besides the whole “Dating Brody Jenner” thing…
You Said It, Pedo Bear.
Next order of business? Gambling Addiction.
Tonight’s Bet: Nebraska (-3.5) over MIZZOU
NCAA Best Bet: TCU (away -1.5) over AIR FORCE
NFL Best Bet: Minnesota Vikings (-10) over ST. LOUIS RAMS
NFL Upset: DENVER BRONCOS (+3) over New England Patriots
Suicide Pool: Pittsburgh Steelers
This week is special because I have some fantasy advice for you. Don’t listen to “Pros”. I’m not a professional, I don’t get paid by anyone. So you can listen to me. Whoever wrote this article is a giant tool. Most likely you shouldn’t have to be told to start Peyton Manning, Ben Roethlisberger, Tony Romo or Adrian Peterson. That’s some of the worst advice I’ve ever heard. I wonder what he said about Rashard Mendenhall last week when he wasn’t playing the Lions? So after his 165 yards and 2 TDs against a better opponent, now he is a must start? Thanks, douche! That means 5 of his 8 starts were “no-brainers” in this little piece. Logic Says: Start Glen Coffee- RB- San Francisco. Last week before a BYE then Frank Gore might come back and on top of that, Atlanta has given up 300+ yards on the ground in 3 games.
Ok, I also got some Links:
With Roman Polanski roaming around Gally is getting nervous that he has competition! Oh noes!
And my last link is about none other than, Michael Vick and his stupid reality show on BET. This has to be the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. No exaggeration. I’m not a lawyer (I just tell people I want to be one to make me seem classy and educational) but isn’t it illegal to make profit off of felonies you committed? I thought that that was the reason why serial killers can’t sell their stories to Hollywood and make a buttload of cash from it. Whatever. This show is going to suck and I hope Vick shatters his fibula in a practice or in some sort of karmic way like running from a rabid pit bull. I hate him even more now that he is on the Eagles. Maybe Jared Allen’s Mullet could cock punch him?
"At Least I'm Not Chad Ochocinco, Dude is gonna get beat up by Merriman..."
It has been a long,hard 11 months for an exceptional athlete in the NFL and his name isn’t Michael Vick or Donte Stallworth. Arguably, the most talented of the three NFL’ers has finally been sent “up the river” today in front of his father and 2 year old son, Eli. I’m hearing the child is not named after dopey, aw-shucks QB, Elisha Manning but many are speculating as to otherwise. Plaxico has been sentenced to 2 years in prison which can be considered 20 months on good behavior. 20 months in a prison, for shooting himself in the leg, is insanity. He was made an example by NY Courts and the Mayor which isn’t fair to him or his family. Pity party over.
Burress’ punishment is a little too strict for the crime. First, it is almost an identical sentence that Michael Vick got for owning, funding and operating a dog fighting ring for 6 years. Secondly, it’s 36.5 times harsher than the punishment that Donte Stallworth received for killing a man in a DWI manslaughter case. So this is by far the harshest punishment for the weakest crime. Besides, it was an expired license for the gun. It’s not like anybody actually thought he just threw it out after the registration expired.
And after a full day of news about Plaxico Burress heading to Reicher’s Island, many are forgetting about the impact that he is having on OTHER people. Burress has added to the recession by letting his clothing line “Celibate LLC” go bankrupt in his absence. The company had to lay off 30,000 workers today. Many of which were actually white people. This is leading many to believe as to why Burress was given such a strict penalty from the liberal minded state. When asked as to why his company was named “Celibate”, Burress said “..because I don’t give a fuck!” As it has been said on the record by Under Armour INC. “Celibate was at an all time high after the Giants’ Super Bowl win but dipped ever since the legal trouble”. They feel that the sentencing was also a reaction to the 30,000 laid off WASPs in the Midwest that were jobless, thanks to Celibate Industries.
Experts from the BPDBB (Busy People Doing Business Bureau) released a statement saying: “The courts were trying to deter athletes from carrying unlicensed guns with them to nightclubs, but when put in perspective, they simply deterred consumers from purchasing faulty sweatpants”. This is when the BPDBB conducted a study at retail outlets in which Celibate clothing was sold to ask consumers what the problem was: “It’s just that since he had the malfunction,” one man said, “I just don’t think he can protect this house…” His wife added: “The house he is in now, well, it’s just way too big to protect.”
Another man who wished to not be identified but will be anyway said “Dese sweatpants used ta be mah fav. for holdin’ a bunch of $1 bills so I could throw it at a bitch but now, if it ain’t gonna hold my piece and it goin’ to shoot mah leg, it ain’t worff it. Ya heard?” Pac Man Jones went on to say: “It just ain’t right for them to lock up Plax. He ain’t even kill nobody like other people in dis room. Na mean?”
Yo. What’s up night owls? Ready to soar past some Eagles tomorrow? Well get ready because the Jets beat out those clowns 38-27. Michael Vick ran for a touchdown and threw a pick. LeSean McCoy ran for a TD. Who cares what the Jets did. None of their players drowned a dog.
The New York Football Giants lost to the New England Patriots 38-27, but managed to score 3 TDs via Wide Receiver. 2 to Sinorice Moss and 1 to Hakeen Nicks. Mario Manningham led the team in receiving yards with 74. Looked like Logic called out exactly what he thought was going to happen and it did. I know it’s preseason but don’t sleep on them. Manningham can be a #1 receiver and Nicks proved that he is going to dominate someday in this preseason. Forget Hixon and Smith. Those two guys should be the 1 and 2.
Here are two links that I liked from the interweb today. First, we have Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day coming out soon. here is the trailer. Vince from FilmDrunk was ripping into it and it does look kind of corny. I think the first one was a hit and it had a cult following (read as: Irish people) but you should just leave it at that.
Secondly, Blake Lively was running around in a white dress with no bra and you can clearly see everything she is all about.
In more important news, I lost to Gimp in Madden twice. I have to give credit where credit is due. My kicking game is not getting any credit.
Jon Garland won his first game with LA and my fantasy team. My sports betting locks for the rest of the season are Boston and New York Yankees parlays. They both won as well.
I’m going to keep this post short and sweet as I need to be up at 6:30AM to be at my friend’s house so we can leave via limousine for the airport to make a 10:55AM flight to Midway Airport in Chicago. From there we take a party bus and get heavily drunk until blindness occurs or we reach South Bend, Indiana. GO NOTRE DAME! I’ll see you fuckers Sunday for the draft.
Weclome Gallions. That’s your name. The readers. Sorry for my lack of action. I was busy working yesterday than I went to Governor’s Comedy Club to see that retarded genius Rich Vos with Tim Gage opening for him. Amazing. His best joke was about how he is fucking his hot wife, Bonnie McFarlane, with her period and he pretends he is killing her. He also did a 10 minute skit on how he’d fight anyone in a wheelchair or has one arm. Saying he would punch the wheelchair person in the back of the head and then run around them and punch them in the back of the head while they are spinning around in circles trying to catch up. Then he’d run up a hill and by the time the wheelchair man got to him he’d punch them in the back of the head and wheel them down the hill. People in the Audience in Wheelchairs: 4.
Ok, I digress. I didn’t know what I was going to get around to today because of my hangover, a block party and then UFC tonight. Me and Gimp will be simultaneously jerking off from 600 miles away when Nate Marquardt powerbombs someone again. The hot little blond from Abercrombie and Fitch’s block party was canceled and now you have this post. Oh shit. Hey Gally? Can you tell if my girlfriend is a reader?
Last night had quite the collection of events in the sporting world.
NFL:
As most of you guys/girls know, last night was Michael Vick’s triumphant return to the NFL. He barely got booed, and performed quite well in his time on field. He completed four of four passes for 19 yards, and ran once for 1 yard. A new hope? I’ll say. That Donovan guy kind of sucks anyways.
The Dolphins of Miami played the Buccaneers of Tampa. It was an exciting game that was won by the Dolphins 10-6.(/dismissive wanking) New Buc’s quarterback, Byron Leftwich almost played well, as he threw 9-17 for 100 yards. The shining star of the show clearly was Rookie Buc’s Quarterback Josh Freeman. He threw 6-16 for 50 yards. All I want to know is, is will he be available for me to choose with my first pick in Fantasy Football.
The Bungles played the Rams last night as well. The Rams won the game 24-21 but the star of the game was Carson Palmer. He completed an amazing 83% of his passes as he finished with 1 TD, 1 INT and 102 yards. He was 5 of 6.
Others:
There was the usual slate of MLB games this weekend, but really who give’s a shit.
The Canadian Men’s Hockey Olympic team practiced in Calgary
The Champions League draw occured today. My boys, the Blues of Chelsea were drawn in the D group with FC Porto and two other teams that they will destroy. Porto won the Portuguese league last year, so they should provide a challenge. They also have a player that goes by the name of HULK. How can you not be a little intimidated by a guy who actually goes by the name Hulk?
People are getting up and arms over a picture that has surfaced of dog fighting promoter and NFL athlete Michael Vick drinking a pineapple and vodka in a Philadelphia airport. The uproar…Wait, pineapplge and vodka? Really? Did it come with a little straw umbrella and some fruit slices? Michael you just spent two years in prison. Prison. A place where they ferment fruit on air heaters to create their own alcoholic concoctions.
I mean sure, prison hooch is by far the most god awful thing you could put in your mouth (well besides your cellmate’s junk). But the upside is that after sipping on something that disgusting for 2 years, any other type of alcohol no matter how putrid, has to taste like you’re drinking straight from God’s very own teet. Something so unbelievably magical and perfect, that words themself cannot fully describe it.
Other reports are starting to come out that speculate Vick also recently attempted to blow during a game of beer pong (something relegated to female players), tried dancing on top of the bar at a Philadelphia club, and was caught drinking hunch punch at a local college party (Geez Mike, everyone knows hunch punch is for the ladies.). While those events do not have any legal ramifications, they are all serious offenses under the mancode.
But in all seriousness how does Girlie Gate affect the terms of Vick’s probation with the NFL?
An Eagles spokesman says, “It does not matter for Michael Vick to drink alcohol, as it does not conflict with the terms of his probation with NFL.”
So if the Eagles are cool with it so should everyone else. It was just a drink. It’s not like Vick went all Leinart Spring Break ’08 by doing beer funnels and taking body shots out of the navals of bikini clad coeds.
It was a pineapple and vodka. And according to the Eagles it did not violate any league sanctioned rules against Vick’s return. The only real punishment Vick should be subjected to is the possible revocation of his mancard, as well as going by the name “Michelle Vick” for a little while.
Hello Gallybloggers. My name is Logic. I’ll be the one administering your consensual mind pain this evening.
Think about it. The NFL is exactly like the show that everyone who watches the NFL hates. I happen to love Entourage, (suck it Ufford) and am very upset that my free demo of premium cable has ended in the middle of a season (it’s hard out here for a G). But 9 times out 10 there is someone hating on Entourage and I realized that today. I was at work (no, real work) when I heard some old jew-broad describe Entourage:
“It’s a show about that guy from Walk to Remember who brings his goombas with him to Hollywood. You know, goombas, like Italians.”
After hearing that, I almost began hating one of my favorite shows. But seriously, the NFL is just like it. Listen up and let me school you for a second.
1. NOTHING EVER HAPPENS: After 6 seasons, Vince is still rich, Ari is a prick, Turtle does nothing and Drama is desperate. After 6 seasons Favre is still playing, the Lions are still losing, Philadelphia is still douchey and T.O. is trying desperately to cause drama.
2. When you describe it, it’s gay: “See honey, the idea is for those 11 men to try to pin that 1 man down as fast as they can before he runs away”. Tell me that isn’t the beginning to Cowboys Butts Drive Me Nuts 4?
3. When it comes down to it, 1 jerk is really in charge: Mark Wahlberg = Roger Goodell. Say hello to your mother for me. Yeah it’s Hulu, go screw Canada.
4. (the obvious) All of the douche bags- If you try to tell me a guy that changes his name to Hispanic nonsense is worse than a guy who collects graffiti sneakers I’ll go on a knife crazy rampage.
5. The Long Island Guys are the worst- I’m from LI New York, and so is “E” from Entourage. So is: Vinny Testaverde, Boomer Esiason, D’Brickashaw Ferguson, Amos Zereoue, Rich Ohrnberger and Todd Sauerbrun. Worst group ever. Hey, at least we got Billy Joel. Wait. He’s not cool anymore either? Dammit.
E with 2 of my College Room Mates (each at 5'9'' and 5'7'' respectively)
6. You almost root for them to fail- Who wants to see Vince do good? The best season was when Medellin bombs. The best season of the NFL was when the 16-0 Patriots lost the Super Bowl. (ok, I’m a Giants fan. When I drink on a Tuesday, I still say I’m celebrating the Super Bowl)
7. You start to hate people for being too awesome- I hate Tom Brady. And his $100 million. And his Super Model girlfriend. And his great looks. And his big arm. And his college degree from Michigain. Just like I hate Vince for sitting around all day reading words that another person wrote for an idea that another person had and he gets 30 tries to do it. Then after, he’ll take the PJ out to Cabo to go party with DJ Tiesto while dropping E-bombs and getting blowies from Jessica Alba.
8. When one person goes down, the world keeps turning- After Vince got shunned from Aquaman, they replaced him
with Jake Gyllenhaal. Michael Vick gets shunned from the NFL and Matt Ryan becomes a stud. It’s like karma for jocks rather than foppish dandies.
9. All the cool scenarios won’t happen in real life- The Super Bowl won’t be Buffalo v. Dallas or NYG v. Colts or Chicago v. Denver. It just won’t happen like that. Just like Aquaman, Medellin and the Joey Ramone story. Awesome ideas, where is the finished product?
10. Despite knowing it’s douchey and there’s better stuff on, I’ll still watch- Sure MMA is probably a cooler sport. Sure Mad Men is probably a better show. But don’t you just like old reliable where the characters are going to toast the night away at the end of the night where you cry yourself to sleep wishing you were them.
