This is an article about the current Minnesota Timberwolves General Manager, David Kahn. If you even peripherally follow the NBA, or masturbate to laminated pages of Bill Simmons’ self congratulatory books, than you have probably joined the rest of the major sports media in yelling “KAAAAHHHNNN!!!” and laughing about the Wolves signing Darko Milicic, drafting only PGs in 2009 and SFs in 2010, trading Al Jefferson low, and drafting a potentially franchise changing PG in Ricky Rubio, who OF COURSE will never come to a stupid place like Minnesota!
If you are that person, you’re also probably the same idiot that reads Rick Reilly religiously, really enjoys the new Transformer movies, thought Indian Jones 4 was the pinnacle of filmmaking, can’t wait for the next All-American Rejects album, think auto tuning is the greatest thing to happen to music ever, and cried when The Hills ended. In other words, you’re a complete moron who can’t think for yourself and I would like to tell you just how stupid and wrong you are. Because I obviously know better, you see.
Damn, how sick are you of reading about Minnesota sports teams? I would guess probably about as sick as I am of them losing. Since you probably pay more attention than you want to towards them though, and since I am burdened with having to follow these ass hats throughout the years, I have stumbled upon an interesting trend that has reared it’s ugly head in this hat state (you know, the hat on the Iowa man? … ah forget it). Namely, Minnesota has become the landing sport for aging athletes that have nowhere else to go. Why? Because we’ll pay them what they’re not worth, I guess, but also because the other, typically better, teams have more expensive young talent that has replaced these old saggy balled athletes. Look no further than Brett Favre in the Vikings 2009 season and before him their complete lack of established young quarterback talent. And with the signing this past week of Jim Thome to the Minnesota Twins, this trend has taken on a new life in a different local franchise.
So I’m left to wonder, who will Minnesota sign next? I have my suspect list after the jump.
The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness. Mostly lack of caring, though. And my tendency to be bitter about things that don’t go my way.
NFL: The Vikings were on bye this weekend, so I know everyone was super bored and not really interested in any of the games that were on. That is, unless you have Greg Olsen on your fantasy team. I do not, but my opponent this week does. Do you know what that means? It means Greg Olsen has singled-handedly almost ruined my life this week. Do you know why? Because Greg Olsen, the TE from Chicago, scored all 3 of Chicago’s touchdowns yesterday with a total of 5 receptions for 71 yards. Fortunately, they still got stomped by the Cards. Which, by the way, how the hell did that happen? Kurt Warner did a total 180 in a week. He threw for 5 TOUCHDOWNS. FIVE. Two of which were to my boy Fitz (What-What!). Whodathunkit? Anyway, in another miraculous win we had Tampa Bay – rockin’ those sweet unis.
Seriously, those things are dope. Much better than the heinous ones Denver’s been donning. In the Battle of the Bays, Tampa put up 38 to Green’s 28. Green Bay should be embarrassed. Rodgers got sacked 6 times and threw 3 interceptions, one of which was returned for a TD. Say “good bye” to the post season, Green Bay!!! So, Sunday Night Football happened. Which also means Bob Costas happened. Are you kidding me? The guy must’ve attended an asshole convention last week, cuz he would not quit with the dickish questions. That’s right, viewers want to watch/listen to you harp on Romo’s “jaunty cap” for 45 minutes, Bob. Shut up with your mountain lion-looking self, seriously. Whatever. Philly lost to Romo’s “devil-may-care” chapeau, 20-16. The game wasn’t really that great. If you read that article I linked to, they spend a good portion of it talking about last season. Most likely because there was nothing but loads of idiot coming from the Philadelphia sideline as Andy Reid’s Childress Face was showing. #1: Good job on that ridiculous challenge, buddy. You screwed your team out of time outs for the entire 4th quarter. #2: The score is 20-13, and because you’re clearly a math major, you settle for a field goal. Remember a few minutes before that when you wasted a challenge, thus depleting your team’s TOs? Yeah, see you completely set yourself up for the failure you deserved. That is all.
NBA: There were some basketball games yesterday. I kind of feel bad for the NBA on Sundays, because until February, no one cares. There was only one game that appeared to be even remotely competitive: Philadelphia 76ers vs. Detroit Pistons. Guess what? Philly lost. Geez, just a bunch of losers over there in Philly! This season marks the return of Ben Wallace to the Pistons as the big brother mentor-type to Kwame Brown, Jason Maxiell and Chris Wilcox. Apparently he was showing them how it’s done, because he was the team leader in 3 of 5 categories: Rebounds (16), Steals (3), and Blocks (3). He put up 2 points…yay? Boohoo, there’s no one on the 6ers that I care about so I’m not going to talk about it. The Wolves lost again, and their record now sits at 1-6. The ESPN recap (here) cites Blazers Coach Nate McMillan’s fantastical experiment to start 3 guards as ahem blazing the trail to victory. False. The Wolves are terrible. Their record says so. I really, really, really want them to be good. So, boys, I’m pleading with you: STEP IT THE F UP! Good lord.
Soccer (as we yanks call it): The only thing I’m even mildly interested in is that David Beckham has pulled out (heh heh) of the England squad for its match vs. Brasil on Saturday. Apparently, he helped lead the LA Galaxy to a semi-final win over Chivas USA, and they are now headed to the finals against Houston Dynamo on Friday. Beckham is a bit of a soccer slut, as he’s played for Manchester United and Real Madrid, as well as on loan to Milano and Preston North End. But, I mean…he looks like this:
So he can be slutty with me if he wants. I wouldn’t mind, I guess. Also, yay America!! Viva Los Angeles!
I hope you all have a great Monday! If there’s anything I can do to make it special, just let me know. For instance, if you’d like a mustache ride from Gally; or if you need to take your frustrations out on someone, gimp knows how to take a beating. Or! If you’d simply like to tickle each other and talk about boys, I’m game for that.
The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness. But mostly because I only care about things I like, and everything else may as well not exist. Or perish in a glorious gas explosion in a tool shed. Or something.
Good morning, kiddos! We’re going to try something new over here at The Gally Blog. We’ve divvied up the Morning After Pill, because we’re too poor to get our own. So that means! You’ll be gettin’ it from me on Mondays & Wednesdays. Barring any complications or laziness. Could be more, could be less, but that’s the plan! Shall we?
NFL: I found this to be pretty comical – ESPN posted an article yesterday titled Owner Dan Snyder: 2-5 Washington Redskins have ‘let everyone down’. I mean…raise your hand if you’re surprised they’re sitting at 2-5 right now. Okay, now put your hand down if you raised it because you were surprised it wasn’t 1-6 or 0-7. If you thought the outcome was going to be better than this, I reckon you’re unable to tie your shoes on your own, or make your own bed, and you likely have a big drool stain down the front of your shirt. Jus’ sayin’.
MLB:Blah blah blah…GO PHILS!!
DWTS: If you watched Dancing With the Stars last night, you saw that Aaron Carter and his POA partner got to stay. Good for Aaron Carter. It was nice to see him doing something that didn’t involve his girlfriend Crystal and a major suckfest on the mic. Then some other fools came out and did some Milli Vanilli crap, but could never live up to the greatness that is this:
This is my weekly section where I will bring you topics from the sporting world (obscure or otherwise) that “I Don’t Get”. I’ll either discover the legitimacy of something thought absurd, or further exploit the sheer stupidity of it all. This week I bring you…
Minnesota Sports & the Inevitable Choke.
Now, I’m a hometown girl through-and-through. I’m a Vikings season ticket holder, and I go to as many other games as I have time for. Like all other prideful Minnesotans, I go into each season with a blind faith and voracity for my squad that would leave even the most devout of Catholics doing 85 Hail Marys. And like any good Minnesotan, I will hold out hope until that final nail is in the coffin.
So why is it that we can’t get a franchise that doesn’t blow their load the instant they make it to the playoffs? Basically every local team that anyone actually cares about is guilty of this; so don’t come at me with some B.S. about how our minor league lacrosse team won nationals, or our lumberjacking crew beat Canada for the title of “Most Lumberjackiest”. Let’s go through this team-by-team…