The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling. Today’s edition has been crafted by PJD, which means that it’s full of self important bullshit and self congratulatory Nebraska masturbation. That’s how we (I) roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com
First, some people seem to be a little upset about Nebraska (still allegedly) joining the Big 10. While an official announcement of the move is expected today, all I can say is “You mad”. You don’t like getting fisted, don’t come to a gang bang with a number 2 pencil. Just sayin’. On to the recaps.
DEEERRRRPP!!!
NBA: That mildly looking retarded fellow in the front of that picture being draped by Gary Coleman’s son is Glen “Big Baby” Davis. I hope he dies in a vat of lard. However, he played quite the game of an idiot savant Thursday night as his 18 points (nine in the fourth quarter) helped the Boston Celtics even the NBA Finals series with the Lakers at 2-2. Also, it appears that things started getting pretty chippy between the two teams with some awesome fouls being made throughout the game, and I think it was Farmar who almost lost his head. YES. AWESOME. I hope the rest of the series is this violent.
NCAA Football: Oh boy. College football has turned out to be spectacular in June. With the flurry of rumor this week about Nebraska all but being the newest member of the Big 110 (that was originally a typo, but I decide to keep it), fellow Big XII North school and notable worst fans in the entire country, Colorado Buffaloes, officially announced their removal from the Big XII to become the newest member of the Pac10. Cool! So now you’ll become like Baylor in this new conference. What a terrible school. Also, I noticed my pants getting aroused last afternoon and realized it was because USC got popped straight in the toofs by the NCAA because they’re cheaters and bad people. On top of losing scholarships and other self imposed sanctions to other school sports, USC also lost one of their recent Championships (WOO!) and can’t go bowling for two straight years (BOOYA!). Couldn’t happen to a better school. Luckily, USC fans are notoriously blasé about their team, so I’m sure no one there has even noticed yet.
MLB: There were a couple of good baseball games out last night, if you’re into that type of boring shit. Someone, the horrible team in the Oriels squeaked out a winrar against the Yankees, 4-3. The shitastic Cleveland team beat the Red Sox 8-7 as well. Even the lowly Royals beat my hometown Twins 9-8 in quite the nail biter. I’d be lying to you if I said I watched ANY of those games though. LOL! Also, this doesn’t have much to do with anything, but I saw that the new Marlins stadium that they’re building is going to have an aquarium as the backstop behind home plate, full of live fish and everything. WHAT! THAT IS FUCKING AWESOME. Good for you, forgettable Florida team.
NFL: Benetration has admitted that his actions which have led to, oh, a couple of sexual allegations were immature. /wanking motion followed by a back hand.
The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling. Today’s edition has been crafted by WSR, meaning the paper drafts reek of tears and whiskey. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com
As a Minnesotan, I am not allowed to like Chicago sports. It’s the rules, not anything personal. So a begrudging congratulations to the Blackhawks on winning the Stanley Cup in a 4-3 overtime thriller. Once again last night, we saw why the NHL playoffs are the best in American sports. Skill and passion were everywhere in this one. Sadly, the only thing that was missing in the game as a whole was exceptional goaltending. As it was a game won by the Blackhawks, I am required by law to link to this: Dagger. If anyone you know watched this game and still isn’t a hockey fan, ostracize their incompetent ass. You should associate with morons like that, anyway.
And now, I leave my NHL roundups for the season with this picture and a tip of my cap to Philadelphia fans, who were boisterously booing Gary Bettman while he was awarding the Stanley Cup to Chicago.
Minnesota Twins 6 Royals 2 Carl Pornvano had a solid outing, allowing 2 runs over 8 innings. Kansas City is terrible.
Look at that thing. It's glorious.
Also around the league, it was Sodomy Night:
Cleveland 11 Boston 0
Tampa Bay 10 Toronto 1
Chicago Bitch Sox 15 Detroit 3
Texas 12 Seattle 2
Chicago Cubs 9 Milwaukee 4
And finally, 6 people attended last night’s Pirates-Nationals games. All six of these unfortunate souls had been handcuffed to their chair while passed out drunk the night before during StrausJesus’s performance, and couldn’t escape.
Brett Favre didn’t do anything. He also didn’t not do anything.
College Football
Yesterday was full of college football news.
*Nebraska may or may not have all but joined the Big Howeverthehellmany. As a member of the conference, I’m more than willing to welcome the Cornhuskers to our group. Since I was expecting your arrival, I made you guys a cake. Go ahead, try it. Good, huh? What do you mean the chocolate “tastes a little funny?” Eat up. Yeah, I did use something exotic in it: ex-lax. Fuck you, Nebraska Football. We’re not even yet.
* USC is going to be getting the fucking hammer. Quite honestly, this pleases me greatly. 2 year bowl ban, recruiting sanctions, and scholarship reductions are about right for one of the dirtiest programs of the last decade since the NCAA refuses to give out the death penalty anymore.
Well shit. We’ve just dropped into a sports deadzone here (unless you like hockey, but then you can just move to Canada, you asshole) where NBA basketball is still too early in the season to be excited for the playoffs, the Olympics are over, and the only good thing about the NFL is that I get to touch myself to 20 – 24 year old men running around in shorts. Hm? Our only saving grace is to get oddly intrigued about the possibility for baseball. Now, if you think I’m going to do some patsy fantasy baseball preview, or division breakdowns, or World Series predictions, then you’re damned crazy. I care about baseball only in that it’s a sport to excuse myself from the wifey with. Or, if you’re from Minnesota, entice her with, thanks to Joe Mauer.
I don’t have anything actually insightful to add to this whole thing; I just thought the commercial was a surprisingly funny one and wanted you to all share in laughter with me. Oh, wait, there is one other thing … Fuck you Playstation right in your rumble pack. Jerks. FIX YO’ NETWERK!!1!1!!! Oh. Hurray!
Damn, how sick are you of reading about Minnesota sports teams? I would guess probably about as sick as I am of them losing. Since you probably pay more attention than you want to towards them though, and since I am burdened with having to follow these ass hats throughout the years, I have stumbled upon an interesting trend that has reared it’s ugly head in this hat state (you know, the hat on the Iowa man? … ah forget it). Namely, Minnesota has become the landing sport for aging athletes that have nowhere else to go. Why? Because we’ll pay them what they’re not worth, I guess, but also because the other, typically better, teams have more expensive young talent that has replaced these old saggy balled athletes. Look no further than Brett Favre in the Vikings 2009 season and before him their complete lack of established young quarterback talent. And with the signing this past week of Jim Thome to the Minnesota Twins, this trend has taken on a new life in a different local franchise.
So I’m left to wonder, who will Minnesota sign next? I have my suspect list after the jump.
This is my weekly section where I will bring you topics from the sporting world (obscure or otherwise) that “I Don’t Get”. I’ll either discover the legitimacy of something thought absurd, or further exploit the sheer stupidity of it all. This week I bring you…
Minnesota Sports & the Inevitable Choke.
Now, I’m a hometown girl through-and-through. I’m a Vikings season ticket holder, and I go to as many other games as I have time for. Like all other prideful Minnesotans, I go into each season with a blind faith and voracity for my squad that would leave even the most devout of Catholics doing 85 Hail Marys. And like any good Minnesotan, I will hold out hope until that final nail is in the coffin.
So why is it that we can’t get a franchise that doesn’t blow their load the instant they make it to the playoffs? Basically every local team that anyone actually cares about is guilty of this; so don’t come at me with some B.S. about how our minor league lacrosse team won nationals, or our lumberjacking crew beat Canada for the title of “Most Lumberjackiest”. Let’s go through this team-by-team…
The Morning After Pill is where we recount the previous days events in the sporting world. Certain teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring or hangovers.
NFL: The Monday Night Football game between the Minnesota Vikings and Green Bay Packers drew a record audience of 21.3 million viewers. It’s the largest cable audience ever, as well as being the highest rated show ever on ESPN. I guess he who shall not be named is still some kind of draw. Rush Limbaugh and Dave Checketts, owner of the St. Louis Blues, are apparently in negotiations to buy the Rams. It’s unclear if they want to buy 100% ownership or just the 60% that remains in the Frontiere family. Is Goodell becoming a big softie? Bawlmore Ravens Ed Reed and Ray Lewis won’t be fined by the league for comments made about the officiating. The Goodell of two years ago would have had them tied up in the town square and beaten with the cat-o-nine tails. The Giants expect Eli Manning to make his 83d consecutive start this weekend. He was diagnosed with plantar fasciitis, which is apparently painful as hell, but it’s nothing a little tape and maybe some Tussin can’t fix.
College Football: A source has said that FSU wont be asking Bobby Bowden to step down as coach at the end of the year. Yeah he’s a legend, and yeah he won National Titles but this is sports and what has he done lately. Nothing. So maybe it’s time to go eat pudding and break a hip having Viagra fueled sex at the old folks home. Texas freshman Safety, Kenny Vaccaro has an arrest warent out for him after getting in a fight at a pickup basketball game. It’s a shame really that he’s a freshman. It means that he’s going to have to wait two years to be drafted by the Bengals. Sam Bradford may play this weekend against Baylor. The funny thing is that he’s still holding out hope of winning a National Championship. It’s kind of cute that he’s so naive.
MLB: In what’s being called an instant classic, (more…)
The Morning After Pill is where we review the previous day in the sporting world. Certain sports/teams are left out due to extreme lack of caring or hangovers
NFL: Mark Sanchise turned the ball over twice against the Saints yesterday. Well more than twice, but he turned over twice for TD’s as Gregg Williams may have in fact transformed the Saints D from a flaming pile of dog shit to a legitimate D. Peyton Manning brought his laser rocket arm out again today as he threw for 353 yards and two TD’s. He’s now tied with Fran Tarkenton for third place all time with 342 TD passes. The battle of Ohio turned out to be better than any one expected as Cincy beat the Browns 23-20 in overtime. Ochocinco had 2 TD’s and nobody but one of the retarded announcers didn’t know the OT rules. The 49ers absolutely crushed the Rams 35-0. San Fran’s D got three scores and put up an incredible 39 fantasy points, carrying fantasy teams to win worldwide.
MLB: For the second straight year the Twins are in a one game playoff to determine the winner of the AL Central. They crushed the royals 13-4 and the Tigers got 8 strong innings out of Verlander as they beat the White Sox 5-3. A-Rod proved again that he’s super clutch in the regular season as he hit 2 HR’s and 7 RBI in the sixth inning alone as the Yanks beat the Rays 10-2. Nutty, but don’t worry non-Yanks fans, he’ll likely dissapear in the post season like he always does. Maybe this year instead of hooking up with Madonna or manly women he can find himself a good old fashioned Thai lady-boy. In Ken Griffey Jr’s potential final game, King Felix dominated as the M’s beat the Rangers by a score of 4-3. Griffey started his career in Seattle, and when he left for the Reds his career was never the same as it was derailed by injuries. He is the active career leader in hits and home runs. (more…)
