Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Saturday November 26th 2011

Posts Tagged ‘Minnesota Vikings’

What Inspired the Internet’s Unfunny Jokes Today: The Collapse of the Mall of America Roof (Video)

The NFL world woke up to amazing video of the roof of the Metrodome Mall of America Field collapsing under the weight of heavy snowfall. The video really is something worth watching so you should watch it below. Thank goodness this collapse happened when no one was in the stadium.

Unfortunately the collapse led to a avalanche of jokes on twitter many of which were not that funny. Maybe I’m just in a bad mood today, but I was as unimpressed by the “God extending Favre’s consecutive games started streak by giving him another day to heal” as I am by people’s constant Cam Newton jokes. People just aren’t as funny as they think they are. Running stuff into the ground is funny. I enjoy running jokes into the ground, but people take stuff way too seriously and then mask riding their moral high horse by making a joke. I can sense people’s venom. Why so serious, people. If anything Brett Favre having an extra day to get right would be evidence of there being no god the way everyone seems to hate him nowadays. I don’t know. I’ve got sand in my vagina today. Nothing’s very funny to me right now. O wait, you’ve got one about the NFL making the roof collapse because they wanted Favre’s streak to continue? I’ve got a rubber chicken to shove up your ass. Wow, I did not realize how bad of a mood I was in until I wrote this post. I need to chill out and have a beer. Out.

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I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Doesn’t Watch the Second Half of the Skins-Vikings Game

Sometimes in life, we have to make choices. This past Sunday, when given the choice of watching the second half of the Skins-Vikings game or drinking copious amounts of margaritas before the Capitals-Hurricanes game with friends I only see a couple times a year — on their tab — I took the free booze and company. Yes, the game was even on where I was, but I chose to mostly ignore it. Feel free to question my fandom all you want; I think I got the good end of this one. And I still felt The Burn when I got back to Chicago.

As for the game itself, well I can’t comment much on a game I really didn’t watch. Lots of fans and media types are saying that Perry Riley’s illegal block on the Skins’ best player by far, Brandon Banks’, would-be punt return touchdown cost the Skins the game. Correct me if I’m wrong, but if the Vikings kneeled down on the Skins’ 15 to end the game, they would have at least kicked a FG to force OT had Banks’ touchdown counted. So fuck that shit! Also, any team incapable of intercepting Brett Favre deserves two losses, not just one. We go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump.

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Last Call: The Fall of Childress Edition

In honor of the end of the Brad Childress regime, an LOL I made a while back

Last Call is sorry you were touched there and in that way when you were a child, but there’s nothing we can do about that now. Time to buck up and develop a drinking problem to deal with your daddy/uncle issues. Your other option is to date Logic. For now check a few links from the day.

Linkage:
Guyism: 50 things every guy should know how to do. I was surprised they left masturbate off of the list. Seems like a biggie.

BlkSportsOnline: Robert Littal has been covering the Vince Young/ Tennessee Titans mess. In this post he writes about the childish way in which Vince has handled himself in Tennessee.

FireChilly: Another web site put out of business by an NFL head coach being fired. I doubt they’re worried about that right now. Imagine how long whoever is running the “Fire Mike Tomlin” or “Fire Bill Belichick” will have to wait.

Hot looking lady:

Homina homina Olivia Wilde aka 13

Good looking fellow:

David Duchovny

Musical Interlude:

I downloaded the Tony Hawk Pro Skater 1 soundtrack the other week and have since been unable to stop listening to this song, The Vandals, Euro-Barge. I wasted my first year of college on that freaking game and loved every single minute of it.

What are you up to this fine evening? I’m about to eat a salad.

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Why Your Favorite NFL Team Will Suck This Year: NFC NORTH

The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They will tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the NFC North.

Why the Minnesota Vikings will suck this season:

Adrian Peterson, or “Purple Jesus” as he is known in some circles, claims he has fixed his fumbling problem. Yeh, and Quentin Tarantino has fixed his coke problem. (There could have also been a gambling or pedophilia crack there.) I put the over/ under on Peterson fumbles this year at 8.5, and I’m being nice. Brett Favre was coaxed into coming back to play another season for the Vikings. That’s right, three players (Steve Hutchinson, Jared Allen, and Ryan Longwell) got on a plane to Mississippi in order convince Brett Favre to come back and play another season. You mean we could have been rid of Brett Favre? Seriously? I predict the karmic justice for that dick move will be freaking biblical for those players and the Vikings this season.
Prediction 7-9

Why the Green Bay Packers will suck this season:

The Packers looked good in the preseason, but remember, that doesn’t count. The offense looks to be humming so hopefully they can continue their success into the regular season. The defense on the other hand, has some holes. The team lost Aaron Kampman to the Jaguars in the offseason. All parties involved have spun the move as Kampman not fitting into the Packers’ defensive system, but he is still a talented player who is no longer on the team. The big hole in the Packers’ defense is the secondary. Both Atari Bigby and Al Harris are starting the season on physically unable to perform list. Packer’s linebacker Clay Mathews has missed time this preseason and is not 100% healthy heading into the season. Defensive lineman Johnny Jolly is suspended for the season as well. Those and the other problems not listed here lead me to believe Green Bay is going to need to score a lot of points to beat people this year. This is actually one of the teams I am least pessimistic about.
Prediction 10-6

Why the Detroit Lions will suck this season:

“Everyone will expect us to improve again this year. What are we going to do?”
“Beats the hell out of me!”

This Lions team is now 2 seasons removed from the infamous 0-16 season, the worst in professional football history. They won two games last year. When you’re happy with two wins there is still something seriously wrong with your franchise. And don’t try to tell me 2nd year tight end Brandon Pettigrew is an offensive weapon. That’s ridiculous. Your over hyped wide receiver who gets taken too high in fantasy football drafts every year, Calvin Johnson, has a back like the last living World War I veteran. (Can you tell I’ve been burned by him in fantasy football before?) The Lions have two defensive players of note, Ndamukong Suh (a rookie) and Kyle Vanden Bosch who is only a factor when lined up next to a dominant defensive tackle like when he played next to Albert Haynesworth in Tennessee. Second year quarterback Matthew Stafford was just good enough last year in his rookie season to ensure he will have a sophomore slump. It is not looking good, Lion fan.
Prediction 4-12

Why the Chicago Bears will suck this year:

Bears head coach Lovie Smith has been on the hot seat in Chicago for about 3 years. His team has failed to produce time and again. People think Obama and Rahm Emmanuel run dirty Chicago politics? The real powerhouse has got to be Lovie Smith. He must have tons of dirt on everyone in Chicago to be such a bad coach and get to stick around. Jay Cutler will likely throw a few dozen interceptions at key points throughout the season. The team has Mike Martz as the new offensive coordinator so look for there to be confusion and frustration aplenty when both he and the Bears’ offensive players realize they are not the early 2000′s Rams. The Bears’ defense has Brian Urlacher back. It’s just too bad he’s still a fairy who likes to have his toesies painted.
Prediction 4-12

And yes, I realize the math is not going to add up for all of the records I am predicting for these teams. Effin stat geeks.

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Forget the Bucket, What was in Favre’s Ankle? – Meme Edition

While I may simply be rehashing Purple Jesus Diaries stuff, I am doing so for a reason, that being because the people that read The Gally Blog – like yourself! – are way fucking funnier than those who read my site. So I’m counting on you, assholes! – PJD

http://purplejesus.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/sadfavre005.jpg

Brett Favre is old. Really old. I mean, Brett Favre is so old, only the Nile River remembers his 20th birthday! :drumroll: … He’s also rickety, and when you put old and rickety together that’s not usually a very good combination. You usually end up with things like foreclosed homes, the Parthenon, or Sharon Stone’s vagina. BOOM ROASTED. Or you end up with things like Brett Favre’s ankle which, apparently after only two preseason games and a total of, what, 10 series, is already an issue for Favre. In the lofty writer Peter King’s most recent Monday Morning Quarterback column, he writes:

After his so-so eight series Saturday night on the hard floor of Mall of America Field …, Favre went into the trainers’ room in the Vikes’ locker room and got an injection of lubricant in the left ankle that has three times been operated on to remove loose bodies. “Like a grease fitting,” he said.

Noted orthopedist Dr. James Andrews did the most recent surgery May 22, with an interested party in the operating theater: Deanna Favre. “They took out a cup full of stuff — bone and all these other loose bodies,” Brett Favre said Saturday night.

A cup full of stuff. Re-read that and consider taking a cup full of stuff out of any place on your own body, let alone your ankle. That’s fucking sick. But that’s not all. Do you want to know what was in that cup that was full of random items from Brett Favre’s ankle? Of course you do. More details then after the jump …

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The Roast of Brett Favre

Relax, he's not really dead. Not for a lack of hopeful thinking though.
Relax, he's not really dead. Not for a lack of hopeful thinking though.

Logic: Hello, I’m Logic and I’ll be your Roastmaster General tonight. I welcome you all, and for those of you that don’t know, this is the Brett Favre Roast. Or Roast of Brett Favre. Whatever. It’s more like a cremation, anyway. You old bastard. If you try to take a dive and give one of the Giants a sack record this year, Osi Umenyiora might re-injure his leg on your walker. Do you think it’s weird that you could be Josh McDaniel’s daddy? It must have been weird with Eric Mangini last year, huh? So that means you were basically Rommel? Man, going to the Jets was such a bad career move. The last time I saw someone ruin their legacy that fast an 11 year-old ripped off Michael Jackson’s nose in self-defense. What the hell were you thinking? You have this amazing streak of playing all these games through injury, but people don’t realize that you were bad in half of those games. Yeah. Congrats on having one good season, Brett. No, I don’t want to hear it. You won one Super Bowl. You’re like a Trent Dilfer that couldn’t take the hint.

[camera shoots to Trent Dilfer chuckling like a bald idiot.]

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Brett Favre Update: He’s Coming Back

I’d rather be working my land… /hand wank motion

During the Pro Football Hall of Fame induction ceremony and speeches on Saturday night the NFL Network broadcast managed to tastelessly work in what has been dubbed a “Favre-watch update.” Rich Eisen introduced the short segment with a splash screen and the horn sound played at Vikings’ games. Rich approaches each Favre-watch update with his tongue appropriately in his cheek. I think Eisen has found the perfect balance on covering Favre. He knows he has to talk about every turn of Favre’s waffling, but he also realizes what a circus it is. Props to Mr. Eisen for finding a good balance. I have enjoyed Rich on NFL Network much more than I ever did on Sportscenter.

On to the actual “news” if you can call it that. The “source” for the update on Favre was Steve Mariucci who received a text message or two from Favre earlier in the day. I  can’t stand name-droppers. I put “source” in quotes since Mariucci is just another pawn on Brett Favre’s chessboard, and he only gets fed information that the ol’ dong picture-slinger wants to get out to the media. O, now’s a perfect time to look at the tasty broad to which Favre allegedly texted pictures of his dick. Yeh, I said tasty broad.

Jenn Sterger hot sexy tits other search keywords ha cha cha

Someone needs to tell her to speak up on her show on Versus, The Daily Line. She was low-talking during the whole show that I saw. The only reason I watched was because the illustrious Drew Magary was on the show via web cam that doubles as a Chatroulette masturbation tool in the evenings. I have to say I was a little disappointed in Drew’s performance considering he is the best blogger drawing breath. He was still good, just not as hilarious as I had hoped. Maybe they didn’t give him enough time to prepare. O wait, I’m doing a Favre-watch update. I got a little rabbit-trailed there

The text Mariucci received from Favre said that “his arm feels great.” We can infer from that Favre’s arm feels great. Also in the text Favre said that his “conditioning is good, but he can’t run without pain in his ankle.” Brett also revealed he’s “trying to come back.” Well, no crap. I think we have all been operating under that assumption. I know that we here at The Gally Blog have been. He’s coming back after the third preseason game, people. We’ve known this all along. Favre has another appointment with Dr. James Andrews next week. How rich must that guy be with every athlete going to see him for their every orthopedic need?

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Don’t Worry, Jared Allen’s Mullet Just Moved South for the Summer

The world was aflame in anarchy and Samson like agony the last few weeks as everyone’s favorite mulleted hero apparently trimmed his strengths off for his nuptials. Yes, it was reported widely that Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen cut his mullet off and seemingly there was photographic evidence to prove it. But as we’ve learned with such things as Helicopter Shark, not everything you see on the internet is as it appears. PJD was able to obtain an exclusive interview with The Mullet itself and talk about it’s alleged disappearance and summer plans …

PJD: Mullet, thank you so much for sitting down with me. I know you’ve had a tough couple of weeks here. You made a brief appearance on The Gally Blog last week, sharing words of fire and anger that really seemed to hint towards a bitter divorce with Jared Allen, but what can you tell us about what really happened?

Mullet: … Am I seriously talking with some bowl cut looking pig fucker right now? Where the real reporters, or at least that Vikings Gab set of tits, Laylay Onamie or whatever her name is? I gotta talk with you? This is some shit. Ok, listen pasty face, yes, Jared and I had a pretty nasty public divorce, but a lot of it was misguided. He pulled me aside after our initial shaving and had some very interesting plans for me, something your hairless donkey ass probably wouldn’t understand.

PJD: Fair enough. I haven’t shaven in seven days and do have nary a shade of tuft on my cheeks. But perhaps our readers would be interested in your back story. Plans you say, what plans?

Mullet: Oh, it’s about to get saxy in here.

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Favre “100%” Not Coming Back?? Says Who?!

It seems like ages ago now that Brett Favre bruised his hamstring and ankle up in an epic NFC Championship game in New Orleans. Yet news from that fateful post game locker room chatter has started to leak out into the public’s consciousness recently. Renowned, most lofty, old pastry smelling NFL writer over at SI.com, Peter King, wrote in his Monday Morning Quarterback column this week that an unnamed player told Peter that Brett Favre muttered these words to him soon after the game:

“I’m 100 percent positive I’ll never put on pads again in my life.”

Could those words have been said in the heat of the moment? Is Favre really not coming back to the Vikings? And who could have possible said such a thing to Brett? Amazingly, PJD was able to track down the anonymous player through our amazing and truly reliable sources and we’ve obtained an EXCLUSIVE interview with him, after the jump of course …

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It Totally Wouldn’t Have Happened Like That

The past few weeks have been filled with alerts about what types of Super Bowl commercials are supposed to be airing during the big game next Sunday, especially the controversial ones. These notably include the ad that will preach to you about how much Tim Tebow loves to force women to keep a rape baby in their stomachs and then there is this other one for some type of web site dating and matching service. While I think Tebow’s commercial is obnoxious in that I was finally looking forward to one sporting day without him pulling a Favre on me, I finally saw this dating site commercial, thanks to Warming Glow, and took immediate offense. Why? Because it totally wouldn’t happen like that.

Here are the problems, in no particular order:

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