Damn, how sick are you of reading about Minnesota sports teams? I would guess probably about as sick as I am of them losing. Since you probably pay more attention than you want to towards them though, and since I am burdened with having to follow these ass hats throughout the years, I have stumbled upon an interesting trend that has reared it’s ugly head in this hat state (you know, the hat on the Iowa man? … ah forget it). Namely, Minnesota has become the landing sport for aging athletes that have nowhere else to go. Why? Because we’ll pay them what they’re not worth, I guess, but also because the other, typically better, teams have more expensive young talent that has replaced these old saggy balled athletes. Look no further than Brett Favre in the Vikings 2009 season and before him their complete lack of established young quarterback talent. And with the signing this past week of Jim Thome to the Minnesota Twins, this trend has taken on a new life in a different local franchise.
So I’m left to wonder, who will Minnesota sign next? I have my suspect list after the jump.
First of all, I’d like to thank First Derivative of the Phoenix Pub for the idea and for including me in his AFC Preview yesterday. Secondly I’d like to say thanks to PJD and Cajunboy for their participation. I had a few more writers lined up but because it was last minute they pulled out.
I had asked our guests the following questions:
A)Key to the game
B)What could be the other teams key to success
C)Your secret weapon/x-factor
D)Something you’d like to see happen
E)What do you think will happen/final score
PJD:
Before I jump into a preview from, unfortunately, a Vikings fan perspective on the NFC Championship game, I would like to first clear up some common misconceptions about the fans of our team. First, while the majority of our fans are overweight, so is the rest of America. The fans I know are mostly skinny nerds, which isnn’t any better, but does bring the fat average down. Second, we don’t all like having Favre on our team. Sure, we’re to blame for not shaking more fists at management for bringing him in this season, but it was hard to continue to shake vigorously when the Vikings jumped out to a 10-1 record. Still don’t like him though. Finally, being considered a fly over state by dickheads on either coast has given ever resident here an obnoxious inferiority complex that has thus stretched to our sports teams. There is zero confidence in any big game opportunities, but you know what? Surprisingly most fans have gone all in this year. We’re ready to beat the Saints, and here’s how.
A) The key to a Vikings win is going to be found in the front four and the ability for the Three Men and a Mullet to at least pressure, if not sack and maim, Drew Brees. This will be no easy task, as Breesus was only sacked 20 times this season and six times in the last six games. For reference, he’s gone down less frequently than your wife in the past six years. Brees isn’t terribly mobile though, and if the Vikings front four can press a surprisingly stout Saints offensive line they’ll have a chance to stop Brees and the Saints offense. Really, you ask? Well sure. Last week the Cowboys, alleged hottest team in the NFL, went to Minnesota and found their rascally rabbit of a quarterback, Tony Romo, running from a certain death due to the Vikings front four pressure. With the Vikings playing on the same type of speed assisting turf in the Superdome and crowd noise not being a factor for the defense, the pressure should still be there. The only concern should be for those who popped up on the injury report this week for the Vikings, both Ray Edwards and Kevin Williams. Both will play, but will be at less than 100%. So will I though, because I’ll be schmasted.
B) With that being said, if Brees starts getting on a roll the Vikings will get horned in the ass. As obvious as it seems to say, the Saints still live and die with Mr. Mole Face. When Drew strikes early to his myriad of weapons, teams are forced to play catch up, which allows for NFC North retread Darren Sharper to play opportunistic defense. Facing a deficit of 14 or more points for the Vikings will be devastating, and for the Saints, only Drew Brees can get them to that point. Why not play even Stevens and have the Saints run the ball? Because the Vikings are still stout up front, despite a seasonal dip in comparison to years prior, and why would you take the ball out of Brees’ hands? Only Vikings’ coach Brad Childress would be that stupid. /sigh.
C) Viking fans’ kilts (they wear kilts, right? I don’t know) were all in a bunch this week when the injury report indicated that stand out rookie Percy Harvin was suffering from his reoccurring migraines again and his status for Sunday was in question. That momentary wedgie loosened Saturday when left tackle Bryant McKinnie shared a video on Twitter of Harvin getting ready to take the team plane down to New Orleans. With Harvin apparently good to go, he provides the major X-Factor (not comic book related) in this game. While people have been talking about Reggie Bush’s game last week as well as his stellar outing against the Vikings in 2008, Harvin is being overlooked. Why? Couldn’t tell you. While Bush has made an effort to be unimpressive throughout his NFL career, Harvin has gone the opposite route and has pimp slapped the league in his rookie year. All season he has been critical in providing the Vikings with great field position and has served as a third down outlet for the Land Baron to look at. Also, the potential for match up headaches (migraines?) is fantastic when Harvin is in the game, and the Saints don’t have a defender that can stop him. If Percy plays to his ability, he drastically changes the dynamics of the game.
D) All the attention for this game has been placed on the quarterbacks and offenses, and for good reason. Favre and Brees are two of the best this year as they lead offensives ranked second and first in point totals, respectively. But most of this has been through the air. What I would love to see though, just once more even if it’s only for old time’s sake, would be for Adrian “Purple Jesus” Peterson to take over a football game again and grind it out on the ground. People seem to think he’s had a bad year since he hasn’t topped 100 yards in a game since week 10 against Detroit, but Peterson hasn’t really had to do much this year with Favre around. He’s still topped 1,300 yards and pulled in 18 touchdowns. Uh, I’ll take that any year from a running back. Regardless, fans and media people alike are still clamoring for a vintage Purple Jesus type of game. If the Vikings offensive line decides to let their testicles drop and open up some holes for Peterson, and Peterson decides to not fumble the ball and keep the offense on the field, the Saints will be hard pressed to score points in their limited possessions and beat the Vikings. Wait, is that a Maddenism?
E) I hate trying to pick this game because I know it’s going to be a classic. These two teams are evenly matched almost across the board, so trying to determine winners based off match ups seems stupid and pompous. Luckily, I’m just stupid, so let’s look at some stupid facts. No team that has lost their last three games of the regular season (Saints) has won a Super Bowl. Not since 1993 have two number one seeded playoff teams faced each other in the Super Bowl either. The Colts are going to castrate the Jets, so history favors the Vikings. Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if the NFL rigs a Favre-Manning Super Bowl. Shit would be epic, and everyone would be cheering for the Colts. Except for me. There’s a feeling around my part of the country that the sins from the Vikings 1998 season (NFC Championship game against the Falcons, anyone?) are going to be exercised this weekend and that if the Vikings can keep things close going into the fourth quarter, that attention whore Favre will work some magic to pull out a win that sends the Vikings to the Super Bowl. It’ll be an entertaining game for sure, and since I was asked to actually make a pick, I will throw out a 27-23 Vikings win. Let the booing commence.
Cajunboy:
A)Key to the game for the Saints…The key to the game for the Saints is containing Adrian Peterson. Our run defense has been our greatest defensive weakness down the stretch and if they’re able to run the ball effectively, it eats the clock and keeps our offense off the field, and frankly that’s the best defense against the Saints offensive attack.
B)What could be the other teams key to success if they’re able to pull it off…Besides running the ball effectively, pressuring the hell out of Drew Brees. If they can fluster Drew a bit and force him into making some mistakes, which he doesn’t often do, we may be toast.
C)Your secret weapon/x-factor…I think the fact that one of our safeties, Darren Sharper, played for Minnesota for the past few seasons before coming to us, in addition to playing with Favre for 8 seasons in Green Bay prior to that, could play a big factor in slowing them down when they throw the ball. You be hard-pressed to find a defensive player in the NFL with more insight into how to defend Brett Favre.
D)Something you’d like to see happen…I’d like to see Darren Sharper return an interception for a touchdown, or I’d love to see Reggie Bush return a punt for a touchdown. But ultimately, I just want to see us win.
E)What do you think will happen/final score…Saints 34, Vikings 27. A nailbiter. (more…)
The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of yesterday’s sporting events. Except lately it hasn’t been daily. It’s only happened on my days. Which means it’s been Monday/Wednesday-y. So anyway. Recaps t’is!
Good morning, kiddies! It’s that time of the week again. Except I’m a little late today, so it’s a good thing there’s a pill for that. Shall we?
Amerikanische Fußball:The Vikings destroyed Seattle. Destroyed = 35 teh’ 9. D-E-S-T-R-O-Y-E-D. So much so that they didn’t even need Favre after the 3rd quarter. Even T-Jack threw a touchdown. What do Percy Harvin, Visanthe Shiancoe, Bernard Berrian, Sidney Rice (x2) all have in common? Other than being black, or playing for the Vikings at Mall of America Field vs. the pitiful Seattle Seahawks? Give up? They all scored touchdowns yesterday. Noticeably absent from that list? Adrian Peterson. Regardless, AP still surpassed 1,000 rushing yards yesterday, going three seasons strong. And for all you Favrehards, it should be noted that he was at 88% yesterday – which I have to admit is quite stellar. Fine. I said it. Seattle should probably stick to what it does best: acoustic guitar sets and Starbucks. But the biggest news to come out of yesterday’s games, is the defeat of Pittsburgh by…wait for it…KANSAS CITY! Kansas City? Yup. I didn’t get to see any of this game, because I was busy being at an awesome one (the Vikings), but my analysis of the Box Score tells me the following: In Total Plays, Total Yards, and Possession, the Steel’ were twice as good as KC. However, they had twice as many penalties and 2 INTs to KC’s aught. It also doesn’t help that The Rapistberger got his dome rocked and they had to put John Legend in to replace him. So really, it’s all that guy’s fault and everyone should go egg his house.
NBA: So my Celts eked one out past the Knicks last night. What? The Knicks are the opposite of good. And it went into OT! The Celts were forced to rely on Paul Pierce the entire game, who scored a season-high 33 points. For some reason (probably because they miss me so much), everyone else was having an off night. KG was only 4 for 15 of FGs made/attempted, and Ray Allen was only 3 for 13; though Allen also put up 1 3-pointer (of 6 attempted, and 6 of 6 free throws. Pierce was 9 for 17 in FGs, 6 for 7 in 3 pointers, and 9 for 10 in FTs. Sheed, on the other hand, did absolutely nothing. Except probably scare the piss out of people and pick imaginary bugs off himself. I’m pretty sure he was only brought on for intimidation factor. I’m going to start putting together my dream team, and it will most definitely include Ron Artest and Sheed. Anyway, through some great strategizing by Pierce in OT, he was able to draw all the attention to himself and quickly lob the ball over to a wide-open KG who is so clutch he made the game winning shot. See, kiddies? Even if you’re having a tough day, just keep at it and you will succeed. If you can dream it, you can be it! There were a bunch of other games yesterday (Orlando v. Toronto, Indiana v. Charlotte, New Orleans v. Miami, Detroit v. Phoenix, and OK City v. Lakers), but they were all lopsided which = BO-RING. It also means I don’t feel like recapping them right now, because I didn’t start working on this til this morning.
Fußball: I know nothing about Soccer other than David Beckham looks like this:
But I did also learn that the LA Galaxy fell to Real Salt Lake in the MLS Cup. I also learned that it’s all Landon Donovan’s fault, because he’s a chump. Donovan (who would be a lot cooler if he was thisDonovan), completely blew a penalty kick. Then Real from Mormon Country got totally pumped up and some guy named Robbie Russell (cool alliteration!) got the game-winning penalty shot, of which Donovan was probably the offender. Because I said so. If you’d like to read some more in-depth discussion from the world of the ball with all the little pentagons all over it, Avoiding the Drop can satiate your every desire. A big HOLLA! goes out to @2Yellows over on twit. :)
Happy Monday – if you’re on the East Coast your day is almost halfway over! If you’re on the Dub-Cee, well…get your coffee brewing.
The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness. But mostly because I only care about things I like, and everything else may as well not exist. Or perish in a glorious gas explosion in a tool shed. Or something.
It’s Monday morning, and I’ve got a bunch of crap I need to get done at work. Let’s get this show on the road, okay?
NFL: Obviously I’m going to start this off with the Vikings. So they won 27-10, but the game sucked & was anti-climactic. I’d venture to say that about half the crowd left during the 4th. The officiating was HORRRRRRIIIIBBBBBLLLLE and the crowd was pissed. But even with the refs seemingly in their favor, Detroit still sucked it up huge. After putting up 18 carries for 133 yards, Adrian Peterson became the 4th fastest RB in NFL history to reach 4,000 rushing yards, he had this to say:
I actually didn’t think about it until I got back up to the locker room. A couple guys were saying something about it but it’s a great accomplishment. I owe it all to the offensive line and the receivers because those guys are really the ones that make it happen. Source
However, Sidney Rice was the real star of the game with 7 truly acrobatic receptions for 201 yards. While he didn’t find the endzone this week, he showed what an integral part of the Minnesota offense he really is. There were a bunch of other games that no one is talking about, because the Pats-Colts battle trumps them all. I decided not to watch it, because I was being pissy about my Fantasy loss, but I heard allllllllllllllll about it. The Colts started the 4th with a 17-point deficit, but due to a blown 4th down play by the Pats, the Colts were given one last shot at victory. They now sit at 9-0 for the season, and all of Boston is on suicide watch.
Andrew Bynum contributed some very perceptive insight as to why he thinks they lost to the Houston Rockets:
Defensively, we need to step it up. That’s what we’re lacking right now. We got guards trying to box out bigs. Bigs trying to box out guards. We’re all over the place right now. Source
Ummm…yes? I don’t know. At least he’s not trying to blame his sore manitalia. In other news, the Timberwolves sit at 1-10. As in, they’re on a 10-loss streak. However, they aren’t alone in Suckville, because the New Jersey Nets are sitting at 0-10. I think it would be-HOVE Jay-Z to jump ship & buy into a better team. (har har har).
NCAA Football: El Si over at Football on the Fringe has recapped last night’s gameage for the non-BCS teams. Y’all should check it out, because he definitely knows what’s up. I definitely don’t, because I was watching Ronin, re-runs of Arrested Development, and Pulp Fiction.
The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness. Or because gimp will start having flashbacks of some of his bad trips and end up convulsing on the floor in fetal position.
It’s me again! What better way to kick off your morning, than a healthy dose of severe personality problems? Let’s get this rollin’…
NBA: So two things that were awesome happened yesterday for the season tip-off. #1 being (of course) my Celts rollin’ over the dynamic LBJ-Shaq Attack duo in the most talked about opener. I call them my Celts, because I love KG with all of my heart. If he needed a kidney, and I was sober for like.. at least a day…I would totally give it to him. I would also consider being his vessel for bringing the next great KG into the world. I don’t care if that’s creepy. Shut up. Anyway, he made a great comeback after being forced to sit the last 25 games of the previous season with a knee injury. He put up the double-double with 13 points & 10 rebounds. Oh! and! Paul Pierce was the Celts’ leading scorer with 23 points, and 11 rebounds for the double-double. Obviously LBJ was the Cavs’ leading scorer with 38 points. Do I care? NOPE. They got KTFO! Okay. So #2 comes in the form of the greatest headline ever: Lakers Launch Title Defense With Win Over Clippers. Maybe I’m just stating the obvious here, but shouldn’t we expect the Lakers to beat the Clippers? How depressing is that for the Clippers as a non-home-opener-kind-of-home-opener? I mean…they’re still at their arena, except 97% of the people in attendance are there to see the Lakers. I’m pretty sure even when the Lakers aren’t playing there, 97% of the people in attendance are still there to see the Lakers. It’s kind of like being the “grenade” of a pair of girl friends.
The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the goings on in the sporting world. Certain teams and sports are left out due to either lack of caring or an extreme hangover. Maybe a weak hangover also, we’re kind of soft like that.
NFL: Percy Harvin of the Minnesota Vikings has not been practicing due to a bum shoulder. They won’t say which one it is, but the LITE FM radio station that was on while I was getting my teeth cleaned said they thought it was his left. What will the mean for the Vikings when facing the Ravens this weekend at Mall of America Field (are you F’ing kidding me, btw?)? Only time will tell. That and the pregnancy test your girlfriend took.
This is my weekly section where I will bring you topics from the sporting world (obscure or otherwise) that “I Don’t Get”. I’ll either discover the legitimacy of something thought absurd, or further exploit the sheer stupidity of it all. This week I bring you…
Minnesota Sports & the Inevitable Choke.
Now, I’m a hometown girl through-and-through. I’m a Vikings season ticket holder, and I go to as many other games as I have time for. Like all other prideful Minnesotans, I go into each season with a blind faith and voracity for my squad that would leave even the most devout of Catholics doing 85 Hail Marys. And like any good Minnesotan, I will hold out hope until that final nail is in the coffin.
So why is it that we can’t get a franchise that doesn’t blow their load the instant they make it to the playoffs? Basically every local team that anyone actually cares about is guilty of this; so don’t come at me with some B.S. about how our minor league lacrosse team won nationals, or our lumberjacking crew beat Canada for the title of “Most Lumberjackiest”. Let’s go through this team-by-team…
Relax, he's not really dead. Not for a lack of hopeful thinking though.
Logic: Hello, I’m Logic and I’ll be your Roastmaster General tonight. I welcome you all, and for those of you that don’t know, this is the Brett Favre Roast. Or Roast of Brett Favre. Whatever. It’s more like a cremation, anyway. You old bastard. If you try to take a dive and give one of the Giants a sack record this year, Osi Umenyiora might re-injure his leg on your walker. Do you think it’s weird that you could be Josh McDaniel’s daddy? It must have been weird with Eric Mangini last year, huh? So that means you were basically Rommel? Man, going to the Jets was such a bad career move. The last time I saw someone ruin their legacy that fast an 11 year-old ripped off Michael Jackson’s nose in self-defense. What the hell were you thinking? You have this amazing streak of playing all these games through injury, but people don’t realize that you were bad in half of those games. Yeah. Congrats on having one good season, Brett. No, I don’t want to hear it. You won one Super Bowl. You’re like a Trent Dilfer that couldn’t take the hint.
[camera shoots to Trent Dilfer chuckling like a bald idiot.]
Brett Favre is playing football tonight? Against the Green Bay Packers? His old team? You don’t say. This comes as a complete and utter surprise to me. This is fairly big news! Why hasn’t the NFL and media been hyping this up? Oh wait, they have been….non-stop. Whether it be during sporting events such as college football, baseball, or sex with my wife, the story of Favre playing his old team has been on repeat for the last week or so.
In a snarky self-righteous tone Did you know Brett Favre has beaten every team in the NFL, except for the Green Bay Packers?
Hey, did you know I could give a flying fuck?
Granted some people are excited as hell for this game. Peter King no doubt will be sitting nude in his living room this evening with a pallet of Kit Kats on one side, an industrial sized container of lube/lotion on the other and enough Kleenex to block out the sun.
Tony Kornheiser will probably be announcing the game in his living room, by himself. In between stating random Favre facts and crying spells about how he wished he was in the booth to call this game live, he will dress his pets in Favre jerseys and send random text messages to Jon Gruden about how jealous he is.
For me this is just another game. One with no real impact on my life, but one I will definitely be watching. One I’ll be watching, but with the TV on MUTE. There’s something overly creepy about hearing a bunch of grown men verbally sex up another guy. It reminds me too much of going to Sunday school when I was a kid…
This is my weekly section where I will bring you topics from the sporting world (obscure or otherwise) that “I Don’t Get”. I’ll either discover the legitimacy of something thought absurd, or further exploit the sheer stupidity of it all. This week I bring you…
The Favre Delusion
There’s no disputing that Brett Favre (or Uncle Rico, as I call him) is a Hall of Fame Quarterback. He has had an astounding career, that even the most die-hard rivals can’t argue against. But now, the guy is older than dirt and has retired and un-retired like 85 times. While I commend his…ahem dedication to the game [READ: MASSIVE EGO], I absolutely refuse to attribute any early and future successes of the Minnesota Vikings solely to Mr. Favre as the dick-sucking national media are wont to do.
Looking at the September 27th game versus the San Francisco 49ers, Favre didn’t have as much to do with the big, spectacular W that everyone wants to give him credit for.
Percy Harvin had the spectacular 101-yard kick return for a touchdown in the 3rd quarter (truly amazing to witness, might I add. The crowd went insane!). I don’t know if anyone saw, but man can that kid book. It was probably hard to pay attention with all of the sucking noises coming from the press box, though.
They’ve got Purple Jesus who is a freak of nature (more…)
