Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Saturday November 26th 2011

Posts Tagged ‘MLB’

Morning After Pill – 6/24

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling.  Today’s edition has been crafted by WSR, meaning the paper drafts reek of tears and whiskey. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com

FIFA World Cup

United States 1 Algeria 0

England 1 Slovenia 0

Germany 1 Ghana 0

Australia 2 Serbia 1

NHL

Last night’s NHL Award show from Las Vegas was absolutely painful to watch.  Fortunately, there were 2 high points: Duncan Keith completely ignoring the “wrap it up” music and continuing to go on and on until the NHL just cut to a different camera, and a video clip with Bobby Ryan and Ryan Getzlaf.

MLB

Interleague play still sucks dong.  It’s completely competitively balanced.  The Royals defeated Stephen Strasburg and the Royals.  Since they’re in the same division, I’m sure the Twins will get a shot at the Royals, right?  (The answer is no because Bud Selig is a mouthbreathing douchenozzle that should be choked to death with used buttplugs procured from gay porn.)  Oh, and  congratulations to the Royals for giving Strasberg his first loss, 1-0.

NFL

Brett Favre didn’t do anything.  He also didn’t not do anything.

Brad Childress is still a complete retard.  It takes a special kind of moron to make me miss the tactical brilliance of Mike Tice.

Redhead

 

Ahhh, 1997.



Remember when Gillian Anderson was hot?  It’s a shame she was wasted just being on that show with David Duchovney.

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Strasmasmuhkah: Not Bad Rook

Looks like he's trying to squeeze one out, no?

I’m no baseball expert, so anything you read about what I write here in relation to this Stras-us Christ is probably wildly off the wall and obnoxious, but you’re not here to get box score numbers, are you? No, you’re here to read how much of an idiot I am and defend your new baseball God vehemently. So let’s get to it.

Damn sneaky he is
-SB Nation

Rookie Washington Nationals pitcher Stephen Strasburg made his major league debut yesterday against the Pittsburgh Pirates (Note; not Somali pirates), probably the best team to go up against in your first outing. Except for the Minnesota Twins when the bases are loaded of course. He put in a very impressive outing for his first showing, dubbed “Stras-mas” by the 30,000 people nationwide that still follow baseball, by striking out 14 batters, going seven innings deep, and only giving up two runs on a two run dinger. Not bad rook, but here’s the problem: (more…)

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The MLB Draft And Things I’d Rather Watch

Tonight at 7PM EST, the MLB holds its player draft. Yeah that’s right. The Washington Nationals are going to select phenom Bryce Harper(above) with the first overall selection. The baseball season is only about 1/3 over and yet, MLB is holding their player draft. The NHL holds its draft in the offseason. Same with the NBA. NFL? Yep, them too. MLS even. If Nascar had a draft, it would be in the offseason. Hell, even the PGA holds its draft, Q School, in their offseason. So MLB has to go and buck the intelligent trend and hold their draft during their season. Smart move Bud.

I’m sure the thing is on TV somewhere, but you couldn’t pay me enough to watch it. Well, unless you backed a truckload of hookers, blow and Firefly Vodka up to my door and called that payment. Here are some things that I would rather watch than the blockbuster that is the MLB draft.

Bill Maher’s colonoscopy.
Grass growing.
Paint drying.
Painting grass and watching it dry as it grows.
Drew Magary in a swimsuit competition.
Buzz Bissinger making out with Will Leitch.
The WNBA preseason.
Underwater Basket Weaving on ESPN 8, The Ocho.
Oprah Winfrey having a threesome with Rush Limbaugh and Rosie O’Donnel.
A 24 hour loop of nut shots.
Jon Gruden masterbating to Brett Favre.
Brett Favre masterbating to Jon Gruden.
A marathon of the Twillight movies mixed in with the entire Sex and The City series, with movies.
Vaginal surgery.
Drowing Puppies.
Blake Lively and my ex girlfriend in a lesbian tryst. Actually, I could really go for that one.
Go hard and add some to the comment section.

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Terrible Players Who Are Loved

Brandon Inge

Yesterday while watching the Detroit Tigers take on the Boston Red Sox, a thought crossed my mind when Brandon Inge stepped to the dish for the Tigers. Are there other players in other cities that are as bad as he is, yet loved endlessly by the hometown fan base?

(more…)

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Felix Hernandez Resigns With Mariners

Everyone out.  I have to poop.
Everyone out. I have to poop.

According to a source, not mine of course, the Mariners have reached an agreement with Felix Hernandez on a contract extension. Hernandez made $3.8 million last year in his first year of arbitration eligibility and had a stellar season. He finished 19-5 with a 2.46 ERA last year.

This continues the greatest offseason ever for the M’s, who have been in the league since 1977. They signed Chone Figgins from the rival Angels, traded for Milton Bradley and Cliff Lee, and of course resigned Ken Griffey Jr..

Enough about the rest of the team though, King Felix is their future. He’s 23 now and is 58-41, though that number is unrepresentative of his talent as his early teams sucked. Felix finished second to Zach Greinke in Cy Young voting last year, and is likely the favorite to win the AL Cy Young this year at the ripe old age of 24. At least one of the teams that’s kind of close to me is good.

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Seattle Is Tickled Pink

So what if he couldn't do this without a robot body?
So what if he couldn't do this without a robot body?

In a news headline that clearly sounds like it was ripped from a shoddy C level porn starring Ethan Suplee and Rosie O’Donnell, Seatlle is tickled pink. Why is the collective Seatlle area acting as if thier perineum’s were being aroused with a feather duster? Well, if you couldn’t guess from the above picture, it’s because Ken Griffey Jr. has signed another one year contract with the Mariners.

Seattle General Manager Jack Zduriencik, had this to say about the signing.

We’re tickled pink that he’s decided to come back. He was such a positive role model, if you will, for a lot of players. He likes where we’re headed and he likes what’s going on here. He’s a first-ballot Hall of Famer and the greatest player in Seattle Mariners history.

The contract is apparently very similar to his 2009 deal that paid him $2 million, and $3.15 million with incentives. Griffey is currently in fifth place all time with 630 HR’s, and could theoretically move past Willie Mays into 4th place with one or two more solid seasons.

Griffey had this to say about the deal,

I’d like to thank the Mariners organization for inviting me back to play in 2010. While 2009 was an awesome experience for me, my ultimate goal is for the Mariners to get to and win the World Series. To that end, I look forward to contributing in any role that Don sees fit on the field, and any manner I possibly can off the field.

Ken Griffey Jr. is my favorite baseball player of all time, and is the only reason I’ve ever paid attention to baseball, other than the Jays winning two World Series. I wish him the best, and hope he does manage to put a solid bookend on an injury riddled career filled with what ifs? The deal is pending a physical, after he’s done rehabbing a minor surgery on his knee.

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The Morning After Pill: berstreet Edition.

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness. But mostly because I only care about things I like, and everything else may as well not exist.  Or perish in a glorious gas explosion in a tool shed.  Or something.

Good morning, kiddos!  We’re going to try something new over here at The Gally Blog.  We’ve divvied up the Morning After Pill, because we’re too poor to get our own.  So that means!  You’ll be gettin’ it from me on Mondays & Wednesdays.  Barring any complications or laziness.  Could be more, could be less, but that’s the plan!  Shall we?

NBA: Looks like the Timberwolves have wasted no time in disappointing fans this season.  They’re last in the NW Division.  The Nuggs are first.  Know why?  BECAUSE THEY’RE UNDEFEATED.  The Timberwolves were undefeated for a couple days: the day of the first game, and however many days were in between their next game THAT THEY LOST.  Good job ‘Wolves.  Actually, they’ll be competitive in like two years, because the whole team is basically newbs.  Anyway.  My Celts won AGAIN, and remain undefeated.  Know why?  ‘Cuz they’re awesome.  Apparently Phoenix is the only other undefeated team, but I kind of forgot Phoenix even had a team.  Are people really Phoenix fans?  Whatever.  GO KG! GO CELTS! That is all.

Awww...I love us!!
Awww...I love us!!

NFL: I found this to be pretty comical – ESPN posted an article yesterday titled Owner Dan Snyder: 2-5 Washington Redskins have ‘let everyone down’. I mean…raise your hand if you’re surprised they’re sitting at 2-5 right now.  Okay, now put your hand down if you raised it because you were surprised it wasn’t 1-6 or 0-7.  If you thought the outcome was going to be better than this, I reckon you’re unable to tie your shoes on your own, or make your own bed, and you likely have a big drool stain down the front of your shirt.  Jus’ sayin’.

MLB: Blah blah blah…GO PHILS!!

DWTS: If you watched Dancing With the Stars last night, you saw that Aaron Carter and his POA partner got to stay.  Good for Aaron Carter.  It was nice to see him doing something that didn’t involve his girlfriend Crystal and a major suckfest on the mic.  Then some other fools came out and did some Milli Vanilli crap, but could never live up to the greatness that is this:

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Morning After Pill: All Tied Up Edition

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring. Like curling…Especially curling.

Wake up call (ie Music Interlude)

MLB

I do not actually love the Yankees, but I do heart the boobies.
I do not actually love the Yankees, but I do heart the boobies.

New York assholes, ie Logic, rejoice. Your New York Yankees tied up the World Series last night at one game a piece. No, I did not watch the game, but from what I can gather they won 3-1. At least that’s what Yahoo! Sports is telling me. I imagine this is great for fans of Yankees, but terrible for those of us who enjoy watching Fox’s Animation Domination on Sunday nights. Stupid playoffs. I guess the silver lining in all of this is that baseball is almost over. Soon it will hibernate and crawl back into the dark recesses of our minds. Kind of like an illegitimate child.

Sleep easy Baby Logic, for your Yankees live to fight another day.
Sleep easy Baby Logic, for your Yankees live to fight another day.

NCAAF

Virginia Tech continues to ride on the wave of inconsistency as they lost to UNC last night 20-17 on a last second field goal. The loss, more than likely, puts the Hokies out of contention for the ACC Coastal title. It’s also worth noting that the loss puts Georgia Tech in a 3-way tie for first in the ACC Coastal, along with Duke and Virginia. Yes Duke and Virginia. Two teams that lost to FCS schools at the beginning of the season.

Duke is tied for first in something other than basketball and good grades with a 4-3 overall record, and a 2-1 divisional record. Virginia is even more laughable. The Cavaliers are currently 2-1 in the ACC, but have a whopping 3-4 overall record. Granted the ship will right itself and both of the aforementioned teams will go back to their bottom feeding ways. Until then the ACC will continue to look bad. Like real bad. Like that time in high school when you brought your cousin to prom. That kind of bad. Yowsers.

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Morning After Pill: No Rest for the Wicked

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous days sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness.

[vodpod id=Groupvideo.3743510&w=425&h=350&fv=%26rel%3D0%26border%3D0%26]

MLB

The World Series is set as the Yankees finished off the Angels last night 5-2. Which gave Logic a reason to pull the gun out of his mouth, just long enough before placing it back in after the Giants lost. I would post more stats, and talk about the game itself, but that would involve too much caring.

"These are tears of joy you fucking fuck!" - Baby Logic
"These are tears of joy you fucking fuck!" - Baby Logic

NFL

The NFL continued their expansion into the UK as the Buc took on the Patriots. Sucks to be the Bucs, as they lost 35-7. Embarrassing, losing 35-7 at home. More embarrassing, having to travel 1,000+ miles to get beat 35-7.

Jay Cutler showed off why signing him to $30+ million contract extension was totally worth it as he threw 3 interceptions in a 10-45 loss to the Bengals. Cedric Benson got his revenge against his former team and Matt Forte continues to make Fantasy Football owners kick themselves in the ass with his lofty 24 yards of rushing.

Brett Favre and the Vikings took their first loss of the season yesterday afternoon after losing to the Steelers 27-17. With a minute or so remaining in the game Favre threw a costly interception that was returned for 6. Well okay, it wasn’t really his fault, stupid Chester Taylor should have pulled it down, but instead popped it up into the air for an easy interception. An interception than not only put the game out of reach, but fucked my parlay bet of the Vikings +6. His fault or not I still have to blame this one on Favre.

The Saints trailed at halftime 10-24 to the Miami Parrtoheads Dolphins. However, the 2nd half was a totally different story as they came back to win 46-34. The Saints are either that good or the Dolphins are just good at blowing a 21 points lead. Probably a combination of the two. Those looking for a blueprint on how to blow a 21 point lead can use this game’s tape to formulate that sort of game plan. Saints, still undefeated. Dolphins, 2-4. Ted Ginn Jr., couldn’t catch a pass if his life depended on it. I mean, seriously they could make a Saw movie with him in it and make his life or death challenge catching footballs. He’d be dead in a matter of seconds.

Of course there were other games, but I am far too lazy to list them all. If you really want detailed analysis go read ESPN’s website or a newspaper.

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Morning After Pill: While You Were Drinking Edition

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous days sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…Looking at you hockey. Or simply because we’re too hungover

Baby Logic is very unhappy.
Baby Logic is very unhappy.

MLB
The Yankees failed to deliver the coup de grace last night as they lost 6-7 to the Angels of Anaheim. I spoke with Logic, our resident analyst on all things obnoxious New York. He assured me that the Yankees will take Game 6. He said some other stuff, but it was hard to hear over all the sobbing. Game 6 will take place Saturday night in New York. I, myself will not be watching as I have a previous engagement set with my liver and some sweaty men pounding the hell out of each other…Uh that didn’t sound gay or anything.

College Football
Gee golly whiz folks Bobby Bowden and the Florida State Seminoles have been having one hell of a season…And not in the good sort of way. The ‘Noles with their 2-4 record squared off last night against UNC. And believe me, FSU looked like a 2-4 team as they were down at one point by 18 points. Some way, some how, Bobby Bowden in all his infinite wisdom (ie dementia) was able to coach his team to a 30-27 victory. Okay maybe he didn’t per se, but the ‘Noles were able to get the W, which means only 1/2 of the media outlets this next week will talk about Bowden and how he should retire/be fired. Personally, who cares, just give the guy a headset that’s not plugged in. I doubt he’ll know the difference anyway. I mean, seriously, Alzheimer’s is a real bitch like that.

On a personal note my parlay hit with the Seminoles winning and the over coming in. It was a good night that did not involve ritualistic cutting or vomiting, so uh, hey go me.

In site news the weekend is almost here and we have plenty of exciting things in store here at the Gally Blog. Check back later today for the regularly scheduled F(*)(*)k ‘em Up Friday post, as well as our UFC 104 preview and predictions, with our special guest poster. Who might that be? You’ll have to check back to find out. I’ll give you a hint, it’s not an ice skating bear.

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