Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Saturday November 26th 2011

Posts Tagged ‘mma’

Last Call: The LOL AIDS Edition


Last Call is kind of like Blogkakke, only on PCP, LSD and ludes. Fucking ludes man. Instead of just being a random link dump, it’s a place to congregate with fellow like minded sports fans, alcoholics and amateur comedians. So come on in, kick your shoes off and crack a beer; then regale us with a witty joke, bitch about that local sports team, or tell me how much you love my Magic Johnson AIDS LOL picture. I made it the other day and have been waiting for the right time to post it. Please, someone, anyone find this blog by searching Magic Johnson AIDS LOL. It would be my mother fucking swan song. If you have something you’d like to see here, our contact info is over on the right and there’s always the tip line, tips @ thegallyblog.com

Knock knock. Who’s there? Some links, bitch:

We all love a good animated .gif. I know I do. I also enjoy the television show Parks & Recreation which makes this website ideal for me. Also, I think I’m in love with Aubrey Plaza’s character, April, on the show. [Parks and Recreations Gifs]

Charlie Sheen is going to do some time. Given, it’s Kiefer Sutherland-like jail time, but Sheen is still going to spend some time in county. [WWTDD]

This site is cool. It is called the Internet Movie Firearm Datbase, and it catalogs what models of guns were used in television and film. It’s a helpful reference tool if you’re into that sort of thing. [IMFDB]

Blogs with Balls is happening this weekend! You can watch it on Saturday courtesy of Justin.tv. More info at the link. [Blogs with Balls]

Our very own Logic has another video of him doing stand up at a comedy club. Watch it here.

One of the neatest little websites I have found in a while has done it again. They have found a way to text  using an iphone or ipod touch for free. Their site is like Lifehacker except more focused on cool, useful stuff and less on pictures of how people setup their offices. [Broken Secrets]

Dennis Hopper is dead. Ufford did a tribute post over at Warming Glow. I think we all give Hopper his due for the many indelible roles he has played, but I always have a hard time shaking his guest starring role from the first season of 24 where he was supposed to be doing a Bosnian or Serbian accent but it sounded more like an American doing a bad Russian accent. I’m a nitpicker. Bonus points for anyone who can name what the blog Warming Glow is named after. [Warming Glow]

Oasis is getting back together in a bastardized form WITHOUT NOEL! Needless to say I am out of sorts about this considering Noel has always been the talent behind Oasis. I hope this finally makes him get off his arse and do some solo work. [Nonpopulist]

Some guy ripped another guy’s heart out with his bare hands while on drugs allegedly. No biggie. [Hammer Fisted]

For the guys: (more…)

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Commence unconsciousness in 3…2…1…

There’s nothing quite sexier than someone losing consciousness. And no Logic I’m not referring to the lack of lucidness that comes from drinking GHB infused beverages at a frat party. No sir, I am talking about the loss of bowel control that can only come from the sport of MMA. Because if there’s one thing the sadists writers here at the Gally Blog enjoy it’s a good knockout. Well maybe that and @berstreet‘s tits.

I would post fight related info, but

1) I imagine most people coming to this site only care about the violence, which,

a) I would assume is on par with putting credits in a snuff film

2) go fuck yourself

a) hard.

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War Machine is a Stupid Jerk

1st Victim

I think we all know the insane story of Jon Koppenhaver. From the comments about Evan Tanner (or depending on how you look at it, the refusal to Joe Silva’s match, which is like refusing Don Corleone) that got him thrown out of the UFC, to the Gaybashing and then the name change. Then, like any sane person, he turned to porn (NSFWish Pic). I’m not going to lie, I haven’t seen the first video yet. I pretty much troll porn all day long and I still can’t find it. I don’t think I really need to see it because it would make me gay. Why? Well, because I’ve already seen her naked so really…what am I looking at?

I have no problem with War Machine. I hope he reads this. I follow him on Twitter and have actually had a few lines of dialogue with him. He is even friends with Long Island MMA product, Phil Baroni. He seems like a good dude at heart and means well but gets thrown into extraordinary situations where he doesn’t always make the right decision. And you know what? It fucking worked out well, huh? Joe Rogan has a great joke about how War Machine gets paid to fight and fuck, but I’m not him (despite my “drinking for days” beard) so I won’t try to make it. Can a man ask for more? I would argue: No. No you can’t.

Anyway, the point of this article (other than to tell you how insanely jealous I am of War Machine) is that he has a new video on “Real Slut Party”. Fightlinker has the links to the hardcore NSFW stuff, so check them out. He is partnered with some girl named Jules. I don’t know who she truly is and the Redtube video has her labeled as “Busty Jules” but in porn that’s like being called “Pantsless Blogger”.

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F(*)(*)k ‘em Up Friday: Short & Sexy Edition

Fuck ‘em Up Friday is a weekly post that occurs -  you guessed it – every Friday. Bringing you some of the best knockouts, submissions, and knockers that the inter-webs have to offer. It’s basically my way of glorifying violence, as well as giving in to the urges of my pre-pubescent inner child. Yeah, that’s how I roll.

Oh it seems like forever since I last posted some F(*)(*)k ‘em Up awesomeness. Stupid holidays. But allow me to unveil this week’s extremely sexy, and also extremely short post involving the likes of a head kick knockout…And boobies of course.

(more…)

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F(*)(*)k ‘em Up Friday: Jose Aldo Owns Your Soul Edition

Fuck ‘em Up Friday is a weekly post that occurs -  you guessed it – every Friday. Bringing you some of the best knockouts, submissions, and knockers that the inter-webs have to offer. It’s basically my way of glorifying violence, as well as giving in to the urges of my pre-pubescent inner child. Yeah, that’s how I roll.

The WEC put on a show this past Wednesday night. The fuck is a WEC? I’m glad you asked. The WEC is a MMA organization owned by Zuffa. Which, if you’re unfamiliar, is the same company that owns the UFC. WEC specializes in smaller weight classes, such as the lightweight (155 lbs), featherweight (145 lbs) and bantamweight (135 lbs) divisions. Their fight cards don’t appear on PPV, rather on the Versus channel, thus making it free. If you don’t have Versus my condolences go out to you. You’re totally missing out on hunting and fishing shows sprinkled in with some hockey and Sports Soup. Yeah, I’m one of the few people who watch Sport Soup, so go fuck yourself.

So the main event on the card saw featherweight champion Mike Brown taking on the up-and-coming Jose Aldo. Here is a clip from the 2nd and final round. Worth a watch. All I’m going to say is that Aldo is the best. Did I say best? I meant beast.

I know what you’re thinking, “gimp WTF?!?! Brown just turtled up. How the fuck is that the best knockout of the week?” Dually noted. What makes Jose Aldo a beast is the clip below. This happened a few WEC events ago, when he took on Cub Swanson. It wasn’t so much that he took Swanson on, but more so that he was able to rearrange Swanson’s face in a matter of 8 seconds. 8 FUCKING SECONDS?!?! I’ve had sexual escapades that have lasted longer than 8 seconds and that’s saying a lot since I have a hairpin trigger – if you know what I mean.

An 8-second KO that results in a gaping wound? I’m fully engorged. Commence boobies…

prettyinpink

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A non-comprehensive recap of UFC 105

So the UFC graced us with a Ultimate Fight Night free “PPV” this past Saturday. Of course making UFC 105 free was a good call. Going head to head on PPV against a Manny Pacquiao-Miguel Cotto boxing fight would have been a bloodbath, and not the good kind.

Ross Pearson defeated Aaron Riley via TKO (doctor stoppage) in the 2nd round

Riley looked completely overmatched against Pearson, who just kept pushing the pace. Pearson landed some nice shots on Riley and landed a devastating knee in the 2nd round that just opened Riley up. It appeared like it was on the bridge of the nose and the think just leaked more than my wife on her period. The action was stopped so the doctors could check out the cut, but unfortunately like Logic’s gaping vagina, it could not be closed.

Matt Brown defeated James Wilks via TKO in the 3rd round.

Matt Brown has balls of steel. At one point it looked like Wilks was going to finish him off with a kimura, which is Japanese for “hey look your shoulder’s dislocated.”

Some way, some how, Brown stayed calm and collected and was able to roll out of it. Then in the 3rd, Brown transitioned into a full mount, or as berstreet calls it “A typical Saturday night,” and rained down some punches. Wilks just turtled up. A totally effective technique – if your goal is to have the ref stop the match.

Michael Bisping defeated Dennis Kang via TKO in round 2.

Michael Bisping needed to prove that his chin was not the stuff that stunt glass is made of. And did he prove it early as Bisping got caught with a right during the opening minutes of the 1st round. Thankfully for Bisping he was able to keep his bearings.

For the most part Bisping and Kang wrestled, they struck each other, but in the end Bisping was able to TKO Kang. The loss puts Kang’s UFC record at 1-2. Personally, I wouldn’t be surpirsed if Kang is let go after this fight. He’ll probably get another chance, but if his next fight doesn’t involve him decapitating his opponent I imagine he’s gone.

Dan Hardy defeated Mike Swick via unanimous decision

Both fighters are skilled at striking. Hardy is the heavier hitter and Swick is the more skilled wrestler. Swick knew this and attempted to get this one to the ground, where he felt he had the edge. Yeah, Hardy wasn’t having any of it as he was able to defend against the takedown.

This bout went the whole 3 rounds, but that’s not a bad thing. It was actually entertaining unlike the main event, which looked like 2 grown men hugging each other for 15 minutes. Both fighters delivered some blows, but it was Hardy who stunned Swick with a couple of shots and was able to get the better of him. Hardy also was able to open up a cut on the back of Swick’s head, which any time there is blood you easily win the round on my scorecard. A scorecard that’s more so based on awesome points as opposed to points for the round. But let’s be honest, being awesome trumps winning a round. Amirite?

Randy Couture defeated Brandon Vera via unanimous decision

If this was your first time watching a MMA fight I apologize. It was very slow paced, and for the most part it probably looked like a couple of dudes humping each other against a chain link fence. In theory Couture’s strategy was to get Vera to the ground and pound him out. Yes, following that previous sentence that might sound hella gay, but I promise no homo.

Vera was able to defend against the takedown, but wasn’t able to take advantage of his muay thai striking. It’s fairly hard to kick someone in the head when they are hugged up snugly against you.

Vera did answer with a nice body kick during the 2nd round that phased Couture. I even thought for a second that Vera cracked Couture’s rib(s), because well, Couture is 46 and osteoporosis is a real bitch like that. That shot alone seemed to be the only real damage done during the fight as Couture’s punches and knees didn’t appear to be dealing much damage. I mean, the ref only made them restart a handful of times because they were clinched up against the cage for too long, not dealing any damage at all. I did more damage to myself screaming, “Stop being a pussy and fucking fight” at my TV.

Up until the 3rd round I had the match pretty even, with Couture winning the 1st 10-9 and Vera winning the 2nd 10-9. In the 3rd round I totally believe that Vera had won the fight. He was able to drag Couture down and mount him (once again no homo). The judges, however, saw it differently and awarded the contest to Couture. Which further reinforces the point that I know dick about MMA.

Final Thoughts

All and all this was a good way to pass time on a Saturday night. Nothing I would ever pay for, so thankfully it was free. I would have much rather enjoyed paying $45 for a kick to the nuts.

The shining moment of UFC 105 was an undercard fight that was aired to fill space. Thank god they did too. In this fight Andre Winner knocked Rolando “Roli” Delgado the fuck out. Delgado easily soiled himself. There is no way he didn’t. Here is an animated gif to illustrate – the knockout, not Delgado shitting himself.

rolandoKTFO

via CagePotato

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Previews and Predictions: UFC 105

Logic: Hello and welcome to our UFC 105 preview. I’m not going to lie, I think Gimp and I metaphorically blew our loads with the UFC 104 post because of our special guest and hopefully future bromance partner Vince from FilmDrunk killed it. I think he might have picked more winners than me (on top of being funnier). Thank God I still have the good looks. Well, I think UFC 105 is also a step down from the last MMA fight I saw, the Strikeforce event. Well, that event had Fedor and I’m pretty sure I’d huff Fedor’s farts given the opportunity. This card isn’t too bad because it does feature one man: Randy effing Couture. And if you don’t like Randy, you and I might not work out.

gimp: Hey look UFC is putting on another PPV…And would you look at that, it’s free. Then again, looking at the card thank god it’s free because I wouldn’t pay to watch it either. The quality of fights, outside of the Swick-Hardy, Couture-Vera (only because Couture is fighting) fights is not commonly on par for a PPV. Ultimate Fight Night definitely. PPV, eh not so much. The silver lining of course is 1) it’s free, and 2) it gives the UFC a chance to showcase some of the younger talent that you might not be familiar with. With that said, let’s get this show on the road.

(more…)

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F(*)(*)k ‘em Up Friday: Call of Duty Edition

Fuck ‘em Up Friday is a weekly post that occurs -  you guessed it – every Friday. Bringing you some of the best knockouts, submissions, and knockers that the inter-webs have to offer. It’s basically my way of glorifying violence, as well as giving in to the urges of my pre-pubescent inner child. Yeah, that’s how I roll.

This week was marked by a plethora of momentous occasions. Mainly, because of a) Veteran’s Day b) the release of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 and c) my birthday being this past Sunday, which is only relevant if i) you consider your week to begin on Sunday and ii) you love me as much as I love myself. Birthday-whoring aside, it’s important to note the significance of the troops. Without them who knows how beyond fucked up our country would be.

What better way to honor the troops (besides procuring a hooker for them), than with some good old-fashioned violence. The below video isn’t the traditional MMA knockout video. No, this little gem comes from the martial arts realm of Muay Thai, or as it’s referred to by the ring announcer: Thai fighting. Summarily speaking, expect lots of leg kicks. Oh yeah, and one hell of a coup de grace. I won’t spoil it for you, but SPOILER ALERT, someone gets KTFO! The only way this knockout could have been anymore American was if the guy getting knocked out was dressed as a Nazi.

Commence patriotic boobies!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I…um…have to…um…go…uh…kill some dirty Spetsnaz in Call of Duty…Yeah that’s it. Kill, some Spetsnaz.

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F(*)(*)k ‘em Up Friday: Happy Birthday to Me Edition

Fuck ‘em Up Friday is a weekly post that occurs -  you guessed it – every Friday. Bringing you some of the best knockouts, submissions, and knockers that the inter-webs have to offer. It’s basically my way of glorifying violence, as well as giving in to the urges of my pre-pubescent inner child. Yeah, that’s how I roll.

This weekend is very special to me and it should be extremely special to you as well. It’s my birthday raises hands in victory – the time of year where I grow a year older and my mother is constantly reminded that she should have had that abortion. Sure it’s not nationally recognized yet, but maybe some day.

While I’m legally 26, spiritually I am 18 with a fake ID. I know this is totally irrelevant since this post is geared toward boobs and brutality, but my narcissistic personality disorder and sadistic tendencies couldn’t help but bring it up.

Birthday plans? Who knows I might just pull a page from the sorority girl’s birthday party playbook and make it a week long celebration. That way there’s enough awesome to go around.  Don’t feel obligated to get me anything, but do make sure to make all checks payable to cash, and alcohol is more than substantial for a gift.

Now that we got the logistical birthday whoring out of the way, strap on your party hat, ready your party favor, and let’s get this show on the road. (more…)

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The Ballad of War Machine: A Greek Tragedy…Or Maybe it’s a Comedy.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one…

MMA fighter legally changes his name, Jon Koppenhaver, to his nickname War Machine….Stifles laughter. He gets canned from the UFC for remarks about a fighter who recently died.  Then launches a “Fuck an Obama” tirade on MySpace, which may or may not have suggested an assassination attempt and some all out anarchy. Follows that up by getting arrested for striking a man. In the midst of all this, he somehow finds the time to work as a bouncer at an alternative strip club (i.e. gay strip club), and gets arrested for fighting at said alternative strip club.

It probably couldn’t get any more random-ass than that, right?

WRONG. Because War “Don’t call me by my legal god given name Jon Koppenhaver” Machine has added a new skill set to his repertoire and resume: Pornstar.

No longer will he be dropping bombs from the mount position…well, actually he will, but a totally different kind. Apparently his first scene involved a lovely talent by the name of Riley Steele.

Her only weakness is TV repairmen and pizza delivery guys.
The only weakness in her game is TV repairmen and pizza delivery guys.

And I can assure you that writing a diatribe of MMA to porn innuendos was totally in the cards for this post, but I came across this quote from the film’s director Robby D and thought his input would be totally insightful and in a not creepy sort of way*:

*Definitely in a creepy sort of way

He had a great top game and was able to take Riley’s back several times. Riley reversed the position and mounted War Machine, but I don’t think he minded. Eventually Riley tapped out, and War Machine rewarded her with a load to the face. On a serious note, War Machine’s experience in front of the camera through his fighting career made my job a lot easier as the director. He was made for this.

Totally not sure if I should find that sexy or completely disturbing…

quotes from Fleshbot (NSFW) via Watch Kalib Run

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