Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Friday September 2nd 2011

Posts Tagged ‘MNF’

The Morning After Pill: The One With Pictures Edition

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous days sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring or hangover. Deal with it.

NFL:

Come any closer and I'll cock punch you.
Come any closer and I'll cock punch you.

The Broncos beat the Chargers 34-23 to move to 6-0. Eddie Royal returned a punt and kick for TD.

MLB:

Look at the guy hugging him. Why does it look like he's about to punch him in the dick?
Look at the guy hugging him. Why does it look like he's about to punch him in the dick?

The Yankees lost last night 5-4 to the Angels in the 11th inning. Do you smell that? It’s the sweet smell of New Yorker despair.

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MNF Preview: The Jets and the Dolphins

It’s Monday folks. Yes the week has started, and yes Mondays are almost exclusively designated as a shitty, shitty day…But it’s football season, thus making Mondays awesome. Monday Night Football, and football in general is everything that is right in America, next to happy hour specials and anonymous, casual sex.

Tonight’s contest has the New York Jets facing off against the Miami Dolphins. For some inexplicable reason the Dolphins are hosting their second MNF game of the season. We’ll file that under the heading of “Good idea at the time.” I guess winning the AFC East last season was enough to justify 2 MNF games during the first 5 weeks of the season. Eh whatever.

Last time the Dolphins hosted a MNF game against the Colts I had the pleasure of attending. And by pleasure I mean that I paid $50+ on stadium booze to not even get mildly buzzed. I was actually drunk going into the game and somehow drinking in the stadium actually sobered me up. I’m not quite sure how that works, but it did. You may recall my drunken recollection of the game. Tonight game will be enjoyed from the confines of my own home. Where the booze is cheap and I can poop use the bathroom without worrying about contracting Hep C from the toilet seat.

A win here and the Dolphins are back in the hunt for the AFC East. A loss and it more than likely becomes a footrace for the AFC East between the Patriots and Jets. At which point the Dolphins will be focused on trying not to be as bad as the Buffalo Bills, who are god awful, but more on that in a bit.

The Jets are coming off a loss to the Saints. On the plus side the Jets have added WR Braylon Edwards to the fold, which will definitely benefit their passing game. Not to mention he can always punch someone in the face if necessary.

The Dolphins started this season 0-3, which is no reason to panic, right? I mean they did lose starting QB Chad Pennington for the season, but don’t panic, right? Should they be panicking? I mean they played pretty good against the Colts a few weeks back, controlling time of possession and outgaining the Colts on the ground. I mean, sure they lost, but they have some momentum on their side now. Just last week they beat the Buffalo Bills. Hmm. The same Buffalo Bills who could only put up 3 points against a Cleveland Browns team whose QB, Derek Anderson, could only complete 2 of his 17 passes. Yeah I would be mildly concerned if I were the Dolphins, but way more concerned if I were the Bills.

Speaking of the Buffalo Bills, their head coach Dick Jauron is so gone after this season. That is if he even makes it to the end of the season. My list of coaches to be fired this season, during or after, looks something like Jim Zorn, Dick Jauron, and Jack del Rio. And in the case that these coaches aren’t fired, the NFL could always look to de-expansion the league.

Hear me out. Sure the NFL is big on expansion, but how about going the reverse route. Instead of adding more teams, how about getting rid of teams. Like really shitty teams. Maybe do some type of elimination playoff where the winning team gets to stay in the league while the losers are relocated to the UFL or the CFL. Either one would really suffice. The only downside to that plan is it lacks a clear cut strategy of getting rid of Detroit. The city, not just the team, but I digress.

Now I don’t really care who wins this game. Well let me take that back. I care to a certain extent because the Jets by 3.5 points and the over of 36.5 is the difference between me winning money and me losing the functionality of both my knee caps. Gambling debts aside I don’t have any real emotions vested in this game. Which means I’m totally able to make fun of both fan sets.

Jets fans will probably react to the above video by calling that kid the C-word. Followed by a plethora of expletives and finish it off by wishing bodily harm to that child’s family as the child watches.

Dolphins fans will think this youngster’s angst is so cute and adorable. That is until he’s all grown up and starts going to games dressed like this…dolfan

Either that or he’ll grow up to be a criminal…But I’m thinking that’s more of a Miami thing and not so much related to Dolphin fandom.

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Farve-apalooza is upon us.


Brett Favre is playing football tonight? Against the Green Bay Packers? His old team? You don’t say. This comes as a complete and utter surprise to me. This is fairly big news! Why hasn’t the NFL and media been hyping this up? Oh wait, they have been….non-stop. Whether it be during sporting events such as college football, baseball, or sex with my wife, the story of Favre playing his old team has been on repeat for the last week or so.

In a snarky self-righteous tone Did you know Brett Favre has beaten every team in the NFL, except for the Green Bay Packers?

Hey, did you know I could give a flying fuck?

Granted some people are excited as hell for this game. Peter King no doubt will be sitting nude in his living room this evening with a pallet of Kit Kats on one side, an industrial sized container of lube/lotion on the other and enough Kleenex to block out the sun.

Tony Kornheiser will probably be announcing the game in his living room, by himself. In between stating random Favre facts and crying spells about how he wished he was in the booth to call this game live, he will dress his pets in Favre jerseys and send random text messages to Jon Gruden about how jealous he is.

For me this is just another game. One with no real impact on my life, but one I will definitely be watching. One I’ll be watching, but with the TV on MUTE. There’s something overly creepy about hearing a bunch of grown men verbally sex up another guy. It reminds me too much of going to Sunday school when I was a kid…

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A drunken recollection of the Colts/Dolphins Monday Night Footbal Game.

It was a beautiful south Florida evening. And by beautiful I mean it wasn’t raining, and my balls didn’t start sticking to the inside of my thigh within 10 seconds of getting out of my car. It was roughly 5:30 pm, a little over 3 hours until kick off. The guy parked across the row from us in the Boston College jersey had the beer pong going in full effect.

Why someone would wear a Boston College jersey to a Dolphins/Colts game is beyond me? So is why some asshats would wear a Giants, Jaguars, and Ravens jersey, but I digress.

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