Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Friday November 25th 2011

Posts Tagged ‘Morning After Pill’

Morning After Pill – 6/24

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling.  Today’s edition has been crafted by WSR, meaning the paper drafts reek of tears and whiskey. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com

FIFA World Cup

United States 1 Algeria 0

England 1 Slovenia 0

Germany 1 Ghana 0

Australia 2 Serbia 1

NHL

Last night’s NHL Award show from Las Vegas was absolutely painful to watch.  Fortunately, there were 2 high points: Duncan Keith completely ignoring the “wrap it up” music and continuing to go on and on until the NHL just cut to a different camera, and a video clip with Bobby Ryan and Ryan Getzlaf.

MLB

Interleague play still sucks dong.  It’s completely competitively balanced.  The Royals defeated Stephen Strasburg and the Royals.  Since they’re in the same division, I’m sure the Twins will get a shot at the Royals, right?  (The answer is no because Bud Selig is a mouthbreathing douchenozzle that should be choked to death with used buttplugs procured from gay porn.)  Oh, and  congratulations to the Royals for giving Strasberg his first loss, 1-0.

NFL

Brett Favre didn’t do anything.  He also didn’t not do anything.

Brad Childress is still a complete retard.  It takes a special kind of moron to make me miss the tactical brilliance of Mike Tice.

Redhead

 

Ahhh, 1997.



Remember when Gillian Anderson was hot?  It’s a shame she was wasted just being on that show with David Duchovney.

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Morning After Pill – June 11teen Edition

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling.  Today’s edition has been crafted by PJD, which means that it’s full of self important bullshit and self congratulatory Nebraska masturbation. That’s how we (I) roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com

First, some people seem to be a little upset about Nebraska (still allegedly) joining the Big 10. While an official announcement of the move is expected today, all I can say is “You mad”. You don’t like getting fisted, don’t come to a gang bang with a number 2 pencil. Just sayin’. On to the recaps.

DEEERRRRPP!!!

NBA: That mildly looking retarded fellow in the front of that picture being draped by Gary Coleman’s son is Glen “Big Baby” Davis. I hope he dies in a vat of lard. However, he played quite the game of an idiot savant Thursday night as his 18 points (nine in the fourth quarter) helped the Boston Celtics even the NBA Finals series with the Lakers at 2-2. Also, it appears that things started getting pretty chippy between the two teams with some awesome fouls being made throughout the game, and I think it was Farmar who almost lost his head. YES. AWESOME. I hope the rest of the series is this violent.

NCAA Football: Oh boy. College football has turned out to be spectacular in June. With the flurry of rumor this week about Nebraska all but being the newest member of the Big 110 (that was originally a typo, but I decide to keep it), fellow Big XII North school and notable worst fans in the entire country, Colorado Buffaloes, officially announced their removal from the Big XII to become the newest member of the Pac10. Cool! So now you’ll become like Baylor in this new conference. What a terrible school. Also, I noticed my pants getting aroused last afternoon and realized it was because USC got popped straight in the toofs by the NCAA because they’re cheaters and bad people. On top of losing scholarships and other self imposed sanctions to other school sports, USC also lost one of their recent Championships (WOO!) and can’t go bowling for two straight years (BOOYA!). Couldn’t happen to a better school. Luckily, USC fans are notoriously blasé about their team, so I’m sure no one there has even noticed yet.

MLB: There were a couple of good baseball games out last night, if you’re into that type of boring shit. Someone, the horrible team in the Oriels squeaked out a winrar against the Yankees, 4-3. The shitastic Cleveland team beat the Red Sox 8-7 as well. Even the lowly Royals beat my hometown Twins 9-8 in quite the nail biter. I’d be lying to you if I said I watched ANY of those games though. LOL! Also, this doesn’t have much to do with anything, but I saw that the new Marlins stadium that they’re building is going to have an aquarium as the backstop behind home plate, full of live fish and everything. WHAT! THAT IS FUCKING AWESOME. Good for you, forgettable Florida team.

NFL: Benetration has admitted that his actions which have led to, oh, a couple of sexual allegations were immature. /wanking motion followed by a back hand.

Obligatory sexy time: (more…)

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Morning After Pill – 6/10

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling.  Today’s edition has been crafted by WSR, meaning the paper drafts reek of tears and whiskey. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com

NHL

Congratulations, mouthbreathers.

As a Minnesotan, I am not allowed to like Chicago sports.  It’s the rules, not anything personal.  So a begrudging congratulations to the Blackhawks on winning the Stanley Cup in a 4-3 overtime thriller.  Once again last night, we saw why the NHL playoffs are the best in American sports.  Skill and passion were everywhere in this one.  Sadly, the only thing that was missing in the game as a whole was exceptional goaltending.  As it was a game won by the Blackhawks, I am required by law to link to this: Dagger.  If anyone you know watched this game and still isn’t a hockey fan, ostracize their incompetent ass.  You should associate with morons like that, anyway.

And now, I leave my NHL roundups for the season with this picture and a tip of my cap to Philadelphia fans, who were boisterously booing Gary Bettman while he was awarding the Stanley Cup to Chicago.

MLB

Minnesota Twins 6 Royals 2 Carl Pornvano had a solid outing, allowing 2 runs over 8 innings.  Kansas City is terrible.

Look at that thing. It's glorious.

Also around the league, it was Sodomy Night:

Cleveland 11 Boston 0

Tampa Bay 10 Toronto 1

Chicago Bitch Sox 15 Detroit 3

Texas 12 Seattle 2

Chicago Cubs 9 Milwaukee 4

And finally, 6 people attended last night’s Pirates-Nationals games.  All six of these unfortunate souls had been handcuffed to their chair while passed out drunk the night before during StrausJesus’s performance, and couldn’t escape.

NFL

Brett Favre didn’t do anything.  He also didn’t not do anything.

College Football

Yesterday was full of college football news.

*Nebraska may or may not have all but joined the Big Howeverthehellmany.  As a member of the conference, I’m more than willing to welcome the Cornhuskers to our group.  Since I was expecting your arrival, I made you guys a cake.  Go ahead, try it.  Good, huh?  What do you mean the chocolate “tastes a little funny?”  Eat up.  Yeah, I did use something exotic in it: ex-lax.  Fuck you, Nebraska Football.  We’re not even yet.

* USC is going to be getting the fucking hammer.  Quite honestly, this pleases me greatly.  2 year bowl ban, recruiting sanctions, and scholarship reductions are about right for one of the dirtiest programs of the last decade since the NCAA refuses to give out the death penalty anymore.

NBA

Like the integrity of the league, there’s nothing here.<

Redhead (more…)

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The Morning After Pill – 6/8

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling.  Today’s edition has been crafted by WSR, meaning the paper drafts reek of tears and whiskey. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com

NHL

Nothing happened last night.  That doesn’t mean Gary Bettman isn’t more useless than a cock at a Lilith Fair.



MLB

Minnesota Twins: Did Not Play

The MLB draft was yesterday.  Gally apparently shares my opinion of it.  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t watch any of it, though.  I tuned in a couple times to see if God was just and fair, and had struck down that asshole used car salesman of a commissioner yet.

NFL

Brett Favre didn’t do anything.  He also didn’t not do anything.

According to PJD, the people of Green Bay may have a reason to hate Brad Childress (as opposed to their normal attitude of absolute glee that he’s the Vikings head coach because he’s Bettman-level retarded.)


NBA

You didn’t expect me to put anything here, did you?

Redhead

 

Oh, to be a watermelon.



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Morning After Pill: You Gon’ Get Raped Edition

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com.

NBA:

I would take a random shot in the dark and guess that there sure ain’t a whole lotta Laker fans that read this site, however, even when he’s not having the most obnoxious game of his life (last night had 30 points, 7 boards, 6 assists) Kobe Bryant still knows how to skull fuck you. He ended up being the catalyst for the Lakers game one win over the Boston Racists, 102 – 89. Boston is hoping that KG remembers how to finish around a hole (*wink!*), Ray Allen stops giving and receiving stupid phantom fouls, and Rasheed Wallace disappears into the Guatemalan sinkhole, otherwise they be in trouble.

NCAA Basketball:

Bad news in famous people updates (good news is you had four famous people dying since Memorial Day in your office pool?), but it appears that Hall of Fame coach John Wooden is in critical condition still after suffering from … something. No one knows because the doctors say releasing that information would be a “violation of medical privacy laws”. Really? I’ll show you some violation, stupid doctors …

NCAA Football:

Texas wrote up some (probably) fake stories yesterday about how they are apparently the new hot bitch on the playground being invited to join the Pac10, along with most of the Big XII South and … Colorado. Haha, ok, that’s how you know this story is false. No one wants to be affiliated with Colorado.

MLB Notes:

After getting fisted out of his perfect game, Armando Galarraga was designated to bring the lineup card out to home plate ump Jim Joyce, who was the masked man behind the fisting. They shared hugs, got a little romantic with scented candles and some Genuine blaring over the loudspeakers, then played some baseball. AND DRANK SOME BREWS, BROSKI (Note: May not have happened.)! Also, the Orioles sound like they’ll be firing their manager but can you really blame them? Baseball faults CLEARLY always fall on the manager.

NFL:

NFL news?!? Kind of. Darrel Revis, who might be one of the coolest cucumbers ever, is certainly not acting like one as he has decided to pout about his contract and has stated that he was ABSOLUTELY INSULTED by the Jets recent offer. What, was $10 dollars not enough for you? I will do some sexy things for that amount of money, Darrel. Call me. Reggie Wayne has followed suit, too. I mean with the hold out, not with getting sexy.

Sexy Time:

(more…)

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The Morning After Pill

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness. Baseball is over, right? Thank god.

Obligatory shout out to Logic and the New York Yankees time. Sigh.

The baseball season came to anticlimactic end the other night as the Assholes of New York were able to deliver the coup de grace to the Assholes of Philadelphia.  And one person here at the Gally Blog couldn’t be any happier. Of course I’m speaking of Baby Logic.

Sup you fuckin' fucks?
Sup you fuckin' fucks?

No that’s not the smell of dirty diaper, that’s the smell of victory – 0r the New York subway system…

College Football

Last night’s slate of games included Eastern Michigan at Northern Illinois, Miami of Ohio at Temple, and Virginia Tech at East Carolina. So in all actuality it was like no college football really took place last night. But in case you are curious about the scores or you need to be prepared in case a giant Italian bookie by the name of Stevie comes looking for you they are as follows:

Miami (OH) 32 Temple 34 – Temple brings their record to 7-2, proving that the Big East’s bottom feeder is king of the castle in the MAC.

Eastern Michigan 6 Northern Illinois 50 – Eastern Michigan at 0-9 has to be the worst team in college football right now. Close on their heels? Western Kentucky, New Mexico and Rice at 0-8. That’s a whole lotta suck right there.

Virginia Tech 16 East Carolina 3 – Due to Lou Holtz announcing this game I couldn’t watch strictly out of principle. If I wanted to here dementia riddled ramblings for 3 hours I would go visit one my grandparents down at the nursing home.

NHL

(NSFW language)

NBA

See above video.

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Morning After Pill: All Tied Up Edition

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring. Like curling…Especially curling.

Wake up call (ie Music Interlude)

MLB

I do not actually love the Yankees, but I do heart the boobies.
I do not actually love the Yankees, but I do heart the boobies.

New York assholes, ie Logic, rejoice. Your New York Yankees tied up the World Series last night at one game a piece. No, I did not watch the game, but from what I can gather they won 3-1. At least that’s what Yahoo! Sports is telling me. I imagine this is great for fans of Yankees, but terrible for those of us who enjoy watching Fox’s Animation Domination on Sunday nights. Stupid playoffs. I guess the silver lining in all of this is that baseball is almost over. Soon it will hibernate and crawl back into the dark recesses of our minds. Kind of like an illegitimate child.

Sleep easy Baby Logic, for your Yankees live to fight another day.
Sleep easy Baby Logic, for your Yankees live to fight another day.

NCAAF

Virginia Tech continues to ride on the wave of inconsistency as they lost to UNC last night 20-17 on a last second field goal. The loss, more than likely, puts the Hokies out of contention for the ACC Coastal title. It’s also worth noting that the loss puts Georgia Tech in a 3-way tie for first in the ACC Coastal, along with Duke and Virginia. Yes Duke and Virginia. Two teams that lost to FCS schools at the beginning of the season.

Duke is tied for first in something other than basketball and good grades with a 4-3 overall record, and a 2-1 divisional record. Virginia is even more laughable. The Cavaliers are currently 2-1 in the ACC, but have a whopping 3-4 overall record. Granted the ship will right itself and both of the aforementioned teams will go back to their bottom feeding ways. Until then the ACC will continue to look bad. Like real bad. Like that time in high school when you brought your cousin to prom. That kind of bad. Yowsers.

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Morning After Pill: While You Were Drinking Edition

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous days sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…Looking at you hockey. Or simply because we’re too hungover

Baby Logic is very unhappy.
Baby Logic is very unhappy.

MLB
The Yankees failed to deliver the coup de grace last night as they lost 6-7 to the Angels of Anaheim. I spoke with Logic, our resident analyst on all things obnoxious New York. He assured me that the Yankees will take Game 6. He said some other stuff, but it was hard to hear over all the sobbing. Game 6 will take place Saturday night in New York. I, myself will not be watching as I have a previous engagement set with my liver and some sweaty men pounding the hell out of each other…Uh that didn’t sound gay or anything.

College Football
Gee golly whiz folks Bobby Bowden and the Florida State Seminoles have been having one hell of a season…And not in the good sort of way. The ‘Noles with their 2-4 record squared off last night against UNC. And believe me, FSU looked like a 2-4 team as they were down at one point by 18 points. Some way, some how, Bobby Bowden in all his infinite wisdom (ie dementia) was able to coach his team to a 30-27 victory. Okay maybe he didn’t per se, but the ‘Noles were able to get the W, which means only 1/2 of the media outlets this next week will talk about Bowden and how he should retire/be fired. Personally, who cares, just give the guy a headset that’s not plugged in. I doubt he’ll know the difference anyway. I mean, seriously, Alzheimer’s is a real bitch like that.

On a personal note my parlay hit with the Seminoles winning and the over coming in. It was a good night that did not involve ritualistic cutting or vomiting, so uh, hey go me.

In site news the weekend is almost here and we have plenty of exciting things in store here at the Gally Blog. Check back later today for the regularly scheduled F(*)(*)k ‘em Up Friday post, as well as our UFC 104 preview and predictions, with our special guest poster. Who might that be? You’ll have to check back to find out. I’ll give you a hint, it’s not an ice skating bear.

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The Morning After Pill: The One With Pictures Edition

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous days sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring or hangover. Deal with it.

NFL:

Come any closer and I'll cock punch you.
Come any closer and I'll cock punch you.

The Broncos beat the Chargers 34-23 to move to 6-0. Eddie Royal returned a punt and kick for TD.

MLB:

Look at the guy hugging him. Why does it look like he's about to punch him in the dick?
Look at the guy hugging him. Why does it look like he's about to punch him in the dick?

The Yankees lost last night 5-4 to the Angels in the 11th inning. Do you smell that? It’s the sweet smell of New Yorker despair.

(more…)

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The Morning After Pill: berstreet Edition.

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the goings on in the sporting world. Certain teams and sports are left out due to either lack of caring or an extreme hangover. Maybe a weak hangover also, we’re kind of soft like that.

NFL: Percy Harvin of the Minnesota Vikings has not been practicing due to a bum shoulder.  They won’t say which one it is, but the LITE FM radio station that was on while I was getting my teeth cleaned said they thought it was his left.  What will the mean for the Vikings when facing the Ravens this weekend at Mall of America Field (are you F’ing kidding me, btw?)?  Only time will tell.  That and the pregnancy test your girlfriend took.

(more…)

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