The Morning After Pill: berstreet Edition.

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…yeah, it’s basically because I don’t care.

Good morning, kiddies!  I only had time to cover 3 topics today, but these 3 topics are so near and dear.  Sometimes just thinking about it I get a little misty, and a wave of longing and nostalgia comes over me…

NCAA Basketball: Fortunately I work all day so I didn’t have a chance to get sick of college basketball already like lots of other people did.  I popped on Arkansas vs. Louisville for a while…That court is heinous.  Between the giant Reese’s logos and the giant basketballs everywhere, I don’t know how people didn’t get dizzy and fall down more.  Maybe it’s because they don’t need a helmet and water wings to navigate through everyday life like I do.  Apparently Donny Osmond took time out of his busy Dancing With the Stars schedule to shoot free throws for Arkan…wait a minute…how was he in two places at once?!  DWTS was on at the same time!

Those Mormons are slippery little suckers, aren’t they?  Anyway, Louisville walloped Arkansas with lots of 3 pointers n’ stuff, ending the suffering at 96-66.  Then it was onto Kansas vs. Memphis.  My Jayhawks look GLOOOOOOOOORIOUS! Okay not really, but I love them so SHUSH.  Dan Shulman quoted Bill Self as saying,

[he] is not quite ready to anoint his team as the best team in the country – very few coaches are at this point in the year…He thinks they need to be a lot better in March than they are now, if they’re going to contend for a national championship.”

Due to a rough-looking defense, Kansas eked out a win over Memphis at 57-55.  As for ESPN’s dumb headline for the day we have: “No. 2 Spartans Escape Gonzaga’s Upset Bid.”

While I understand that being beat by an unranked team is an upset, isn’t it a little freaking early in the season to be so dramatic?  They only have like…865 games left.  Save it for March, will ya?

DWTS: So our remaining contestants are Mya, Kelly Osborne, Donny Osmond, and Joanna Krupa.  The judges decided they wanted to see Mya & Dmitry do their salsa again, because the old perv in the pink tie really loves Mya’s juicy brown booty (or “tutti fruitti – what a booty”).  It’s pretty tough to argue with the old coot, she’s got ass for days.  They did some serious salsaing to “La Isla Bonita”.  I’m pretty sure if Madonna tried to dance like this, one of her mummy limbs would break off in a cloud of dust and dung beetles.    Joanna Krupa and her creepy Mardi Gras mask for a face got voted off.  Boohoo.

NFL: In perhaps some of the biggest, yet least surprising NFL news, the Buffalo Bills kicked Dick Jauron to the curb.  His season start is at 3-6, which isn’t even the worst record.  So he’s kind of getting the poopy end of the stick.  Bills owner Ralph Wilson had this to say,

I am announcing today that I am relieving Dick Jauron from his duties as our head coach, effective immediately.  I have tremendous respect for Dick and thank him for all of his efforts during these past four years. While this was a very difficult decision, I felt that it is one that needed to be made at this time for the best interest of our team. We will now focus on moving forward and preparing for our game this week in Jacksonville.

Call me crazy, but upsetting the team in the middle of a season maybe isn’t quite the best way to move forward.  Not to mention that they’re preparing for a game against a better Jacksonville (5-4).  This probably could’ve been done at the end of the season.  I mean…teams with worse records are: Cleveland (1-8), Oakland (2-7), Tennessee (3-6) – that’s just in their conference.  So really it’s kind of like Buffalo is tied for 3rd worst in their conference.  Of the 16 teams in the AFC, that makes them 13th best, and 13 just so happens to be my lucky number.  So see, Bills fans?  It’s not that bad.  Buck up, buttercups!

I must get going on my work day now, because I only got in a half hour ago.  I hope you all have a great day, though!  xoxo

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Arkansas Razorbacks, Dancing With the Stars, Dick Jauron fired, Donny Osmond, Joanna Krupa, Kansas Jayhawks, Louisville Cardinals, Memphis Tigers, Mya, NCAA Basketball, NFL, Reese's Pieces
Category Morning After Pill |

The Morning After Pill: berstreet Edition.

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness.  Mostly lack of caring, though.  And ADD.

In keeping up with our tradition of bad writing journalistic integrity over here at The Gally Blog, today I am bringing you my very special edition of the Pill.  Without further ado…

Futbol
Robert Enke, Hannover & German Goalkeeper, died of apparent suicide at age 29 by throwing himself under a train.  He suffered personal problems after the death of his daughter 3 years ago.  I personally think it’s a conspiracy.  If Boston has taught us anything, it’s that trains stop for people on train tracks.  Just ask this lady…Arsenal Striker Nicklas Bendtner out for up to a month after getting groin surgery.  Translation: penile implant. Ladies?!…

Oh herro, Nicklas...you love me long time??

Bill Bellamy will now be playing with the Man City Squad.  See, kiddies?  Dreams really do come true…Calum Davenport appears in court for beating up his sister, and getting himself stabbed in the legs.  Aren’t you supposed to beat up your siblings?  Whatever….Brighton & Hove Albion got a new manager (Since when did Jay-Z buy into a soccer team??): Gus Puyot – a professional poker player that they appointed to manage Brighton.  I smell a Pete Rose…and finally, Separated at Birth: Peterborough Striker Aaron McLean & R. Kelly.

Separated at Birth: Aaron McLean vs. R. Kelly

Except when McLean reaches out to the youth, he probably isn’t peeing on them.  I hope.

Dancing With the Stars
Michael Buble performed.  This is awesome because he was in one of the greatest movies of all time, Duets.  That slutty chick Karina Smirnoff, and some guy that looked like one of Stephen King’s Sleepwalkers danced to his vocal stylings.  Which were clearly prerecorded.  This was obvious when he held the mic 3 feet away (literally) and his volume never changed.  Either that or he has some serious abs, and should probably be dragging a semi trailor or tossing tree stumps somewhere.  Whoever that host is, he has abnormally short arms, no neck, and a rather large head.  I wonder how that’s working out for him?  Aaron Carter is looking a little worse for the wear…must be all those late nights with his girlfriend Crystal rockin’ his world (possibly what lead to him being sent home tonight??).  Donny Osmond is complaining about how hard the workout is.  You’d think he’d be used to it being Mormon, and all the schtupping he does to get 85 kids.  Kelly Osborne is adorable.  And holy christ Susan Boyle’s freaky ass is on the show tonight.  I wish people would stop trying to convince me that she’s a good singer.  Seriously.  P.S. whoever this blonde dancer chick is, she does not have proper form.  I just watched Step Up 2: The Streets and Blake Collins told me that there should be no curve from the knee to the toe.  Tisk-tisk, over-processed-fake-blonde.  P.P.S. What makes this legit is that they have Jerry Rice hosting a segment called DanceCenter, wearing some kind of weird wide-collared Saturday Night Fever shirt with a vest. Anyway, they pick Mya to win, which is perfect cuz she is FOINE.

Her love is like...Wo.

Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader? – Celebrity Edition!
Woohoo the resurgence of Drew Lachey!!!  Remember him?  98 Degrees?  He picked the black kid to help him first, because he’s trying to show how not racist he is.  Keep in mind he’s from Ohio – the land of Buckeyes and Bigotry.  When I lived in Columbus, I still had Minnesota plates on my car.  I came out one day and someone had written “YANKI” in the frost on my windshield.  Yes, “YANKI”.  How ironic.  Drew-boo got the question “What do the letters ‘VHF’ stand for?”  Remember the movie UHF with Weird Al Yankovic?  AWWEEESSSSSOOOOMMMMMMMEEEEEE!  They both got the question wrong, but I bet he totally blamed the kid.

Obsession Revealed: Acorns
I ran across this gem on the OUTDOOR channel – “How to find where the acorns are dropping to increase the chances of bringing in a monster deer.”  This show consists of a guy in a deer stand doing some seriously creepy stalker whispering.  One time, when I was up north around Longville, Minnesota, my friend and I decided to take his Jeep Grand Cherokee off-roading.  We came upon a huge mud pit and chickened out, and decided to walk around instead.  I got the bright idea to climb up in a deerstand, and came down covered in ticks (Yes, “covered”.  There were 7!).  If anyone knows anything about me, it’s that I can’t handle bugs, let alone bugs on my person.  I freaked out and jumped around and whimpered a whole bunch, and he laughed at me.  Good times.  Know what a much more viable option is?  Big Buck Hunter at the bar.

Happy Hump Day, y’all.  But remember: save the humping for when you get home.  As I’ve learned, the boss doesn’t appreciate it when you mess up their desk.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Aaron Carter, Aaron McLean, Acorns, Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?, Bill Bellamy, Brighton & Hove Albion, Calum Davenport, Dancing With the Stars, deer hunting, Drew Lachey, Jeep Grand Cherokee, Kelly Osborne, meth, Mya, Nicklas Bendtner, off-roading, penile implants, Pete Rose, R. Kelly, Robert Enke, Soccer, Weird Al Yankovic
Category Morning After Pill |