Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Saturday November 26th 2011

Posts Tagged ‘NBA’

Major Sports Media Rehashing Bland Criticism? Unthinkable!

This is an article about the current Minnesota Timberwolves General Manager, David Kahn. If you even peripherally follow the NBA, or masturbate to laminated pages of Bill Simmons’ self congratulatory books, than you have probably joined the rest of the major sports media in yelling “KAAAAHHHNNN!!!” and laughing about the Wolves signing Darko Milicic, drafting only PGs in 2009 and SFs in 2010, trading Al Jefferson low, and drafting a potentially franchise changing PG in Ricky Rubio, who OF COURSE will never come to a stupid place like Minnesota!

If you are that person, you’re also probably the same idiot that reads Rick Reilly religiously, really enjoys the new Transformer movies, thought Indian Jones 4 was the pinnacle of filmmaking, can’t wait for the next All-American Rejects album, think auto tuning is the greatest thing to happen to music ever, and cried when The Hills ended. In other words, you’re a complete moron who can’t think for yourself and I would like to tell you just how stupid and wrong you are. Because I obviously know better, you see.


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Lebron. Seriously. Lebron.

June 14, 1998

I only know the date because I looked it up, but what it signifies is more important. That night, Michael Jordan hit his last shot as a Chicago Bull, and the NBA would never be the same.

Look where we are now. Ask yourself how you can be an NBA fan at this point. Lebron, who had been generally a good guy until the last few weeks, went heel. Kobe’s always going to be Kobe. Kevin Durant is a decent guy, but plays for the team that ripped out Seattle’s heart. The entire GM, ownership and coaching structure has been proven irrelevant in personnel decisions. This has ceased to be something the fans remotely matter in, they just happen to pay the bills.


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The Morning After Pill – 5/25/2010

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling.  Today’s edition has been crafted by WSR, meaning the paper drafts reek of tears and whiskey. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@


For the first time since they were swept out in the 1997 Finals by the Red Wings, Philadelphia is in the Stanley Cup Finals after downing the Canadians 4-2 at the Wachovia Center.  The Flyers pummeled Montreal in 5 games, and will now get their ass handed to them by the Blackhawks.  Game 1 is Saturday night on NBC, game 2 is Monday night on NBC, and Gary Bettman still sucks more cock than Chasey Lain.

Official Gally Blog NHL Story Picture


Puck. Because I said so.

Minnesota Twins: Did Not Play

Boston 6 Tampa Bay 1

Cincinnati 7 Pittsburgh 5

Chicago Bitch Sox 7 Cleveland 2

Toronto 6 Los Angeles Angels 0


Brett Favre didn’t do anything.  He also didn’t not do anything

The NFL lost a United States Supreme Court case.  It probably won’t affect you.


The NBA sucks.  It’s not even basketball anymore.  People more astute than I will point out that it’s probably been that way for at least a decade now. (more…)

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Amazing Is, This Take On Things

Hey guys, did you know the NBA playoffs are going on right now? I barely did and I’m a lofty sports blogger, derp. Well, the NBA has a new commercial series that seems very similar to a NHL campaign. Simmons would go all conspiracy theorist here with his Gary Bettman is a plant crap, but I’m not going to go in that direction. I’m guessing they saw the good press the NHL got for it’s past ad campaigns, and its current History Will Be Made campaign and paid the same ad agency to do something similar. I could be wrong though, but I don’t have the time or skill to do any research. Well, DJ Steve Porter saw some of these commercials and did what he does best, autotune them and turn them into songs.

Here’s the first, Where the 6th man happens:

Amazing is Unity. Who knew Magic had rhymes.
more after the jump

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Lebron James is Leaving Cleveland For Sure After This- 100%

Now that Lebron has choked purposely thrown lost his last game of the season for the Cleveland Cavaliers the offseason attention has already begun to focus on where Lebron James will play next season. The speculation has been centering on the New York Knicks for a while but has recently begun to include the New Jersey/Bronx/Russian Nets and the Chicago Bulls. There is also a strong contingent in the media who feel Lebron will stay in Cleveland out of loyalty to Ohio. That’s quite a bit of wishful thinking, Ohio. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror recently? I’m still predicting the New York Knicks or the Nets will be bron-bron’s next destination, especially after this video reeking of desperation. (more…)

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An NBA Non-Fan Watches an NBA Playoff Game

I have watched about a handful of NBA games in the past few years. When I was still living in Florida I jumped on the Orlando Magic bandwagon briefly, but that was mainly about drinking with buddies in bars and the beauty of a town cheering on its sports team during a playoff run. It’s funny because I grew up an NBA fan more so than an NFL fan, but since about the year 2000 the scale has tipped all the way in the NFL’s favor. I have been meaning to watch an NBA playoff game this year after I’ve been hearing so much about it in the form of out-of-context tweeting with way too many exclamation points. The game I chose to watch was the third game in the Spurs vs. Suns series. I thought it may be entertaining to document my thoughts and observations during the experience. It turned out not to be all that entertaining so I have added pictures of hot Phoenix Suns cheerleaders looking nice and slutty. Better? I also forgot to start watching the game until the second half. Oops. (more…)

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NBA Playoff (Delayed) Preview

[edit: Knightmare just signed up with us and this post originally aired at 11logic]

First off, I would like to start by introducing myself. I consider myself a huge NBA fan. I watch almost all of the games of most teams so I know what’s going on in the league. For instance, I just won a bet off somebody that I made at the beginning of the year that the Oklahoma City Thunder would be a playoff team this year. (Logic’s Note: Yeah. He’s THAT good..) I would like to give credit to Logic for giving me the opportunity to post here. I’m here to give a preview of the first round match-ups in the NBA playoffs.

Western Conference

Lakers vs. Thunder: Lets start with the Lakers here. Everybody’s run away favorite to win the championship. Here’s a little tid bit for all you Laker front runners…the Lakers are 16 and 12 since the all star break…16 and 12. Does that sound like a dominant number 1 Western Conference seed to you? Granted, some games Kobe did not play and they took games at an easy pace down the stretch. But this is NOT a normal 8 seed… On to the Thunder. What’s not to like about this team? They have the NBA’s scoring champion at the age of just 21. They won 50 games! The highest of any 8th seed of all time. Again, this is not your normal 8th seed. Everything about this series spells trouble for the so called run away Western Conference champions. Final Verdict: After all is said and done, Kobe is not losing in the first round. Gasol usually steps his game up to a certain extent in the playoffs. Trust me, Game 1 will be a hassle for the defending champs. Mark it down. They are going to count on their veteran leadership such as Fisher, Vujacic, down the stretch. Of course, we can’t forget Kobe. If the Lakers don’t win Game 1, look out. It’s just that I don’t see them not winning game 1 in L.A. Lakers in 6 (more…)

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Mailbag Time

Sorry for the delay with the mailbag folks. I had computer cancer AIDS this week, so things got a little jumbled up. From this day forward, we will be answering any and all questions on Friday mornings. Having said that, if you get me a question either by Twitter or by mail early Friday morning, I’ll answer it.

This week was a small mailbag as we only had one question come in, so I brought in a guest question answer person: Amber Jones.

Samer K: In basketball, would you rather be really good at dunking or shooting in general?

Amber Jones: I would rather be a really good, physical shooter. To be able to hit clutch 3′s, but drive the lane like I was Evan Bernard and get inside for some key layups would be dope. I’d want to be scrappy and not afraid to get banged up (Yes, I lobbed that one up there for you fools), and be able to hit free throws like no one’s business.

Gally: Tricky question from Samer here. If you could shoot real well, you might be able to make millions of dollars as a NBA player. Hell, Hedo Turkoglu just signed a $50 million dollar contract. I’m going to have to go with amazing dunking ability. First of all, I’m only 5’10″. If I’m going to have sweet dunking ability that means that this mythical me is probably going to be a bit taller than this one that exists. Shut the fuck up Spud Webb. Secondly, if this mythical me gets bigger, I’d assume that I’d stay proportional and get a bigger penis out of the deal. So win for me on all fronts.

To commemorate dunking’s win over shooting, ladies and gentlemen I present Shawn Kemp.

Shawn: Hey, hey, hey folks! Are we going to continue this gay mythical, hypothetical talk, or do y’all want to watch me dunk some balls?


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The Morning After Pill: berstreet Edition.

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of yesterday’s sporting events.  Except lately it hasn’t been daily.  It’s only happened on my days.  Which means it’s been Monday/Wednesday-y.  So anyway.  Recaps t’is!

Good morning, kiddies!  It’s that time of the week again.  Except I’m a little late today, so it’s a good thing there’s a pill for that.  Shall we?

Amerikanische Fußball: The Vikings destroyed Seattle.  Destroyed = 35 teh’ 9.  D-E-S-T-R-O-Y-E-D.  So much so that they didn’t even need Favre after the 3rd quarter.  Even T-Jack threw a touchdown.  What do Percy Harvin, Visanthe Shiancoe, Bernard Berrian, Sidney Rice (x2) all have in common?  Other than being black, or playing for the Vikings at Mall of America Field vs. the pitiful Seattle Seahawks?  Give up?  They all scored touchdowns yesterday.  Noticeably absent from that list? Adrian Peterson.  Regardless, AP still surpassed 1,000 rushing yards yesterday, going three seasons strong.  And for all you Favrehards, it should be noted that he was at 88% yesterday – which I have to admit is quite stellar.  Fine.  I said it.  Seattle should probably stick to what it does best: acoustic guitar sets and Starbucks.  But the biggest news to come out of yesterday’s games, is the defeat of Pittsburgh by…wait for it…KANSAS CITY! Kansas City?  Yup.  I didn’t get to see any of this game, because I was busy being at an awesome one (the Vikings), but my analysis of the Box Score tells me the following: In Total Plays, Total Yards, and Possession, the Steel’ were twice as  good as KC.  However, they had twice as many penalties and 2 INTs to KC’s aught.  It also doesn’t help that The Rapistberger got his dome rocked and they had to put John Legend in to replace him.  So really, it’s all that guy’s fault and everyone should go egg his house.

NBA: So my Celts eked one out past the Knicks last night.  What?  The Knicks are the opposite of good.  And it went into OT!  The Celts were forced to rely on Paul Pierce the entire game, who scored a season-high 33 points.  For some reason (probably because they miss me so much), everyone else was having an off night.  KG was only 4 for 15 of FGs made/attempted, and Ray Allen was only 3 for 13; though Allen also put up 1 3-pointer (of 6 attempted, and 6 of 6 free throws.  Pierce was 9 for 17 in FGs, 6 for 7 in 3 pointers, and 9 for 10 in FTs.  Sheed, on the other hand, did absolutely nothing.  Except probably scare the piss out of people and pick imaginary bugs off himself.  I’m pretty sure he was only brought on for intimidation factor.  I’m going to start putting together my dream team, and it will most definitely include Ron Artest and Sheed.  Anyway, through some great strategizing by Pierce in OT, he was able to draw all the attention to himself and quickly lob the ball over to a wide-open KG who is so clutch he made the game winning shot.  See, kiddies?  Even if you’re having a tough day, just keep at it and you will succeed.  If you can dream it, you can be it!  There were a bunch of other games yesterday (Orlando v. Toronto, Indiana v. Charlotte, New Orleans v. Miami, Detroit v. Phoenix, and OK City v. Lakers), but they were all lopsided which = BO-RING.  It also means I don’t feel like recapping them right now, because I didn’t start working on this til this morning.

Fußball: I know nothing about Soccer other than David Beckham looks like this:

But I did also learn that the LA Galaxy fell to Real Salt Lake in the MLS Cup.  I also learned that it’s all Landon Donovan’s fault, because he’s a chump.  Donovan (who would be a lot cooler if he was this Donovan), completely blew a penalty kick.  Then Real from Mormon Country got totally pumped up and some guy named Robbie Russell (cool alliteration!) got the game-winning penalty shot, of which Donovan was probably the offender.  Because I said so.  If you’d like to read some more in-depth discussion from the world of the ball with all the little pentagons all over it, Avoiding the Drop can satiate your every desire.  A big HOLLA! goes out to @2Yellows over on twit.  :)

Happy Monday – if you’re on the East Coast your day is almost halfway over!  If you’re on the Dub-Cee, well…get your coffee brewing.


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The Morning After Pill: berstreet Edition.

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness. But mostly because I only care about things I like, and everything else may as well not exist.  Or perish in a glorious gas explosion in a tool shed.  Or something.

It’s Monday morning, and I’ve got a bunch of crap I need to get done at work.  Let’s get this show on the road, okay?

NFL: Obviously I’m going to start this off with the Vikings.  So they won 27-10, but the game sucked & was anti-climactic.  I’d venture to say that about half the crowd left during the 4th.  The officiating was HORRRRRRIIIIBBBBBLLLLE and the crowd was pissed.  But even with the refs seemingly in their favor, Detroit still sucked it up huge.  After putting up 18 carries for 133 yards, Adrian Peterson became the 4th fastest RB in NFL history to reach 4,000 rushing yards, he had this to say:

I actually didn’t think about it until I got back up to the locker room. A couple guys were saying something about it but it’s a great accomplishment. I owe it all to the offensive line and the receivers because those guys are really the ones that make it happen.  Source

However, Sidney Rice was the real star of the game with 7 truly acrobatic receptions for 201 yards.  While he didn’t find the endzone this week, he showed what an integral part of the Minnesota offense he really is.  There were a bunch of other games that no one is talking about, because the Pats-Colts battle trumps them all.  I decided not to watch it, because I was being pissy about my Fantasy loss, but I heard allllllllllllllll about it.  The Colts started the 4th with a 17-point deficit, but due to a blown 4th down play by the Pats, the Colts were given one last shot at victory.  They now sit at 9-0 for the season, and all of Boston is on suicide watch.

NBA: The Lakers lost for their 2nd time in a row, because Kobe’s peener hurts.



Andrew Bynum contributed some very perceptive insight as to why he thinks they lost to the Houston Rockets:

Defensively, we need to step it up. That’s what we’re lacking right now. We got guards trying to box out bigs. Bigs trying to box out guards. We’re all over the place right now. Source

Ummm…yes?  I don’t know.  At least he’s not trying to blame his sore manitalia.  In other news, the Timberwolves sit at 1-10.  As in, they’re on a 10-loss streak.  However, they aren’t alone in Suckville, because the New Jersey Nets are sitting at 0-10.  I think it would be-HOVE Jay-Z to jump ship & buy into a better team.  (har har har).

NCAA Football: El Si over at Football on the Fringe has recapped last night’s gameage for the non-BCS teams.  Y’all should check it out, because he definitely knows what’s up.  I definitely don’t, because I was watching Ronin, re-runs of Arrested Development, and Pulp Fiction.

Don’t be a…


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