Why Your Favorite NFL Team Will Suck This Year: AFC EAST

The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the AFC East.

Why the Miami Dolphins will suck this year:

The Miami Dolphins appear poised to make a run at winning the division title in the AFC East this year. One problem, they are starting a flash in the pan quarterback (Chad Henne) while a proven veteran (Chad Pennington) will begin the year on the bench. Also, the Dolphins’ offense will still rely heavily on the wildcat single wing. Not that there is anything wrong with the single wing, except it’s for pussies. Henne will falter despite the kool-aid people are currently drinking after his impressive run of performances to end last season. The big free agent splash made by the Brandon Marshall signing will have little to no impact considering this team will try to run the ball behind an aging Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown who is recovering from injury. Yeh, this is your year Dolphins’ fans. *mouth fart*
Prediction: 8-8

Why the New York Jets will suck this year:

The hype machine can not produce a much bigger snowball than the New York Jets have rolling right now. Lost in the Hard Knocks hoopla is the fact the Jets have a one-sided offense. Mark Sanchez can not be relied upon for anything other than handing the ball off to Shonn Greene and hopefully not Ladainian Tomlinson. What a relief that Darrelle Revis finally signed a contract extension and is finally practicing with the team. But wait, he’s not in football shape. He missed all of training camp, the preseason, and hasn’t been hitting anyone. That makes for a likely early season injury. I’m thinking he will have something with his hamstring that will hang around all year. The Jets are bound to disappoint this year.
Prediction: 9-7

Why the New England Patriots will suck this year:

I predict the series of lackluster seasons for the Patriots will continue this year. It’s awfully hard to win games in the National Football League when you can’t cheat to win. Wouldn’t you agree, Bill Belichick? Belichick, the NFL’s Eddie Guerrero (RIP) already has a depleted secondary to start the year. The hole left by departing defensive veterans such as Brushy, Vrabel, Rodney Harrison, Asante Samuel, and Richard Seymour won’t be as bad as last year, but they are still lacking in talent. Randy Moss isn’t happy. He doesn’t feel wanted since he hasn’t been offered a big new contract. Does he want Robert Kraft to come read him a damn bedtime story too? And maybe stick two fingers in his vagina? Randy Moss isn’t a locker room cancer when he’s unhappy. He’s locker room necrotic tissue. He just shuts down, shrivels up and dies. Ask the Vikings and the Raiders. That’s all this team needs to be successful this year- a distraction on top of lacking talent. And Tom Brady has gone soft. There, I said it.
Predcition 5-11

Why the Buffalo Bills will suck this year:

The Bills have a new coach, Chan Gailey, and with a name like Gailey you know he has to be good at football. The Bills are going to be at the bottom of this division for some time. They have two very talented running backs in Fred Jackson and the rookie C.J. Spiller, and then they have Marshawn Lynch. What’s up with that dude? I know he has a minor injury right now, but does it seem to anyone besides me that he is fading out of existence like somebody messed up in Back to the Future? Trent Edwards can be a decent quarterback, but the offensive line will not give him a chance to succeed. There is some talent on defense, but not enough to make a difference in their division.
Prediction 3-13

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Tags: AFC East, Buffalo Bills, Miami Dolphins, New England Patriots, New York Jets, NFL, pessimism
Category National Football League, NFL, Prognostication, Recent |

The Morning After Pill: berstreet Edition.

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness. But mostly because I only care about things I like, and everything else may as well not exist.  Or perish in a glorious gas explosion in a tool shed.  Or something.

It’s Monday morning, and I’ve got a bunch of crap I need to get done at work.  Let’s get this show on the road, okay?

NFL: Obviously I’m going to start this off with the Vikings.  So they won 27-10, but the game sucked & was anti-climactic.  I’d venture to say that about half the crowd left during the 4th.  The officiating was HORRRRRRIIIIBBBBBLLLLE and the crowd was pissed.  But even with the refs seemingly in their favor, Detroit still sucked it up huge.  After putting up 18 carries for 133 yards, Adrian Peterson became the 4th fastest RB in NFL history to reach 4,000 rushing yards, he had this to say:

I actually didn’t think about it until I got back up to the locker room. A couple guys were saying something about it but it’s a great accomplishment. I owe it all to the offensive line and the receivers because those guys are really the ones that make it happen.  Source

However, Sidney Rice was the real star of the game with 7 truly acrobatic receptions for 201 yards.  While he didn’t find the endzone this week, he showed what an integral part of the Minnesota offense he really is.  There were a bunch of other games that no one is talking about, because the Pats-Colts battle trumps them all.  I decided not to watch it, because I was being pissy about my Fantasy loss, but I heard allllllllllllllll about it.  The Colts started the 4th with a 17-point deficit, but due to a blown 4th down play by the Pats, the Colts were given one last shot at victory.  They now sit at 9-0 for the season, and all of Boston is on suicide watch.

NBA: The Lakers lost for their 2nd time in a row, because Kobe’s peener hurts.

Boohoo.

Andrew Bynum contributed some very perceptive insight as to why he thinks they lost to the Houston Rockets:

Defensively, we need to step it up. That’s what we’re lacking right now. We got guards trying to box out bigs. Bigs trying to box out guards. We’re all over the place right now. Source

Ummm…yes?  I don’t know.  At least he’s not trying to blame his sore manitalia.  In other news, the Timberwolves sit at 1-10.  As in, they’re on a 10-loss streak.  However, they aren’t alone in Suckville, because the New Jersey Nets are sitting at 0-10.  I think it would be-HOVE Jay-Z to jump ship & buy into a better team.  (har har har).

NCAA Football: El Si over at Football on the Fringe has recapped last night’s gameage for the non-BCS teams.  Y’all should check it out, because he definitely knows what’s up.  I definitely don’t, because I was watching Ronin, re-runs of Arrested Development, and Pulp Fiction.

Don’t be a…

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Tags: Detroit Lions, Houston Rockets, Indianapolis Colts, Kobe Bryant, Kobe Bryant's Penis, Minnesota Vikings, NBA, New England Patriots, NFL, Pulp Fiction, The LA Lakers, your mom
Category Morning After Pill |

The Patriots Know Something That We Don't

Does this make me look fat?

The Patriots, masters of evil plans and disinformation must know something that the rest of us don’t know. Last year, wonderboy and lover of goats, Tom Brady, went down for the season with a serious knee injury. Backup Matt Cassel came in and performed well enough to earn a $63M contract from KC in the offseason. The Pats took it in stride like they seem to do with everything. That meant 3d string Kevin O’Connell was bumped to number two. They brought in Raiders reject Andrew Walter to be the new number three. I’m the anti-Patriots but if anybody could develop a Raider reject, it’s the Pats.

Then the other day, they cut O’Connell a mere 16 months after drafting him, even though they almost always develop their players from within. It was shocking, but it’s the Pats so not too shocking. Now news has broken that even the mighty evil one could not in fact turn a Raider turd into Patriot gold. The Pats have given Walter his walking papers. So who does that leave? Well it leaves an undrafted rookie from Michigan State, Brian Hoyer.

Hoyer was a career 55.8% thrower, with a 35-23 TD-Int ratio. For a comparison that I’ll get blasted for, Colt Brennan was a 70.5% passer with a 131-43 TD-Int ratio and he still can’t even lock down a #2 position. But hey, they seem to both get lucky and know what they’re doing. When they drafted Tom Brady with the 199th pick, they were debating drafting Tim Rattay instead. Look how well that turned out for them.
continue for all things Patriot

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Tags: Al Davis, Bill Belichick, CBA, New England Patriots, NFL, Oakland Raiders, Patriots, Robert Kraft
Category In All Seriousness, News |

A drinker's guide to the AFC East.

I don’t have what most people consider the necessary “experience” or “credentials” required to post a legit preview of the AFC East. However, what I lack in football knowledge I make up for with my ability to consume vast amounts of alcohol. Something my AA sponsor can attest to. Realistically this post is a drinking game disguised as an AFC East Preview, which is statistically proven to be better than any predictions or fantasy tips that I could possibly give. So sit back, relax, and get your beer/liquor/shots of choice ready for some 2009 AFC East football.

Note:  Drinks are stated as whatever a standard sip is to you. Personal preference varies and can mean a two second gulp to some or shot gunning an entire beer to others. If it says take a shot, it’s referring to a shot of heavy alcohol, ie liquor, but I recommend doing so sparingly. Oh yeah, one more thing. We here at the Gally Blog are not responsible for any harm suffered as a result of actually playing the drinking game suggestions in this post. Seriously, pace yourselves…You lightweights!

Miami Dolphins

The defending champs. Woohoo! Sarcasm Even though I am geographically located down in the penis shaped peninsula of the US of A it’s hard for me to get behind them, mainly because I’m so sick and tired of them running that damned Wildcat formation. Sure it’s effective sometimes, but even when it’s not they will continue to run it until I am out of things to throw at my T.V. From here on out I only want to hear the phrase “wildcat” mentioned when it’s in reference to some sexy cougar who is eye fucking the hell out of me as she sips her peach mango martini from across the bar.

Now that’s a Wildcat I can get behind…

Drinking game to be played while watching the Dolphins:

• As a rule of thumb anytime the Wildcat is run or even spoken by any announcer take a drink. This will more than likely occur at an astronomical rate during the course of a game so be sparingly with your drinks. That is unless you have a steel clad liver, or access to a fresh IV the next morning, which is rumored to be the best way to overcome a hangover.
• In the case you make it through an entire quarter without the Wildcat being ran, just finish whatever drink you have in your hand.
• Since reporters and news media personalities keep referring to Chad Pennington as a short term solution at quarterback have a drink every time Chad Henne is mentioned as being the future at quarterback.
• Any mention of Bill Parcells should result in a drink. Drink two if Parcells is mentioned in relation to his turning the team around after their 1-15 season.
• Have a drink anytime the Dolphins march their way down field only to kick a field goal, throw an interception, or come away without any points at all. Drink 2 if you consider yourself to be a Dolphins’ fan. Drink 3 if all the above occurs and you own a Dan Marino jersey. Seriously fuck that guy. Way to never win a Super Bowl during your tenure here…Dick.

(more…)

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Tags: a drinker's guide to the AFC East, AFC East drinking game, Buffalo Bills, football drinking game, Miami Dolphins, New England Patriots, New York Jets, NFL
Category Uncategorized |