Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Thursday September 15th 2011

Posts Tagged ‘New York Giants’

I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Giants Game

… Dan Snyder, I want to kill you. Kristen Bell, I want to …

It’s over. Now I have to go back to actually writing instead of paint-by-numbers. I believe there was a football game in there somewhere. One that involved 4 Skins turnovers and a missed 30-yard field goal. But now we’re in the offseason and my digestive system can rest easy.

Did you know that the Redskins team headquarters and facilities are in Ashburn, Virginia. I officially motion that they change the cozy hamlet’s name to Cockburn, Virginia. Speaking of Cockburn, since none of you have ever experienced what it’s like to have to drink Cockburn after your team loses (yet — man up, suckers!), there’s no way of escaping. You receive an official message from CBHQ that it’s time to drink it. In circles of the know, it’s called a CockBurn Notice. Also, in Cockburn-eligible games that one is unable to watch, you may communicate with fellow members of the Order of the Burn by way of CB Radio. Just thought you might want to know. Anyway, let’s head down to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump. (more…)

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I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Giants Game

The video is right here. Even though one can’t embed video from Captain Zuckerberg’s Overly Precious Pyramid Scheme (thanks, dickbag; I don’t actually use your service), it’s worth your time.

Oh wait! That’s what I did Saturday afternoon. (Once again, support your local no-kill shelter). Sunday afternoon looked a little more like this:

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Tom Coughlin is Just Waiting for Keyboard Cat

Invisible Dick?


Since the beginning of the NFL season, I’ve been asked the same question over and over again: “What do you think of Tom Coughlin?” Well, with coaching the answer is simple…as long as they are winning they are very safe. Very rarely does a team stay with the same coach through thick and thin. Jack Del Rio is a rare example but even he is on the hot seat as of right now but has Bill Belichick’s job ever been in jeopardy? No and usually when you win a Super Bowl, you get a metaphorical get out of jail free card for a few years because the fans are usually loyal. Even in New York.

Let’s break the Coughlin situation down a bit, starting back in 2008:

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Why Your Favorite NFL Team Will Suck This Year: NFC EAST

The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They will tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the NFC East. These are barely getting any pageviews, but it’s a matter of desire at this point. I need to focus and finish. What I learned for next year: start earlier and don’t try to do all of these by myself.

Why the New York Giants will suck this season:

The Giants are a shell of what they were when they won the Super Bowl a few years ago. Quarterback Eli Manning still has about as much charisma and leadership ability as the runny dump I took an hour ago, and the Giants still do not have Plaxico Burress. While Plax’s football abilities continue to rot in prison because of pussy liberals who think guns are the devil a young Giants’ receiving corps looks poised to drop balls and under perform again this year. The running game is one of the team’s potential strong points, but the offensive line is shaky because of injuries and Brandon Jacobs is about ready to go “diva” on everyone. Someone get that big baby a Snickers bar. I think the defense will perform better this year, though.
Prediction 10-6

Why the Philadelphia Eagles will suck this season:

The Eagles will suck this year because they got rid of Donovan McNabb, one of the best quarterbacks in the game, and are instead starting a completely unproven backup. That’s a move bound to bring a championship. Has anyone ever considered the possibility McNabb might not be the problem in Philly? It could be because God hates your dumb city. The problem could also be the head coach, Andy Reid, has forgotten more about football than anyone ever knew about football, as in all of it. Andy Reid doesn’t know anything about football is the point I am trying to make here. That’s a recipe for suckitude.
Prediction: 5-11

Why the Washington Redskins will suck this season:

The Redskins will suck because they have Donovan McNabb. LOL, J/K. KTHXBAI. Mike Shanahan (candy lover) has a mandate from Redskins’ owner Dan Snyder to fix this team Shanahan’s way. The new head coach has come in and done things his way alright. He’s pissed everyone off including talented defen$ive tackle Albert Haynesworth. You may have seen something about that in the news. Think about what happened in D.C. the last time a coach lost the team. When the players grew tired of Jim Zorn they stopped playing for him and it led to many disasters on the field. Shanahan is not diplomatic enough to coach this team. I hate to say this, but Shanny needs to take a page out of the Tom Coughlin playbook if he doesn’t want to have a rough season.
Prediction 4-12

Why the Dallas Cowboys will suck this season:

The Cowboys will most likely have a good regular season. Their sucking will occur in the postseason if they make it that far. Quarterback Tony Romo is awesome… at plowing hot tail, as a quarterback, meh. The team continues to put faith in Marion Barber at running back even though he doesn’t run as well as Earl Campbell does today. Wade Phillips is a soft coach. Jerry Jones still thinks he can GM an NFL team. Wait, I have an idea. Why not let the stadium play, coach, and be the general manager? At least the stadium will see the Super Bowl this year.
Prediction 5-11

I’m basically doing this to entertain myself as no one is reading these. That’s ok. I am entertaining myself, and not just by typing if ya know what I mean. *Wink

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UPDATE: Confirmed: Keith Bulluck Appears to Have Signed with the New York Giants

NFL free agent and long-time Tennessee Titan Keith Bulluck is rumored to have signed with the New York Giants. First report of Bulluck’s signing came via twitter user BobbyBroad. He seems justifiably proud of his breaking of the story because he has tweeted anyone and everyone he can think of the news including Adam Schefter, Chris Mortensen, and Warren Sapp. As someone who follows Bulluck on twitter I’m fairly certain I have seen Bulluck retweet more than a few of BobbyBroad’s tweets (in looking at Bulluck’s twitter page I see he has replied to BobbyBroad some as well) so this report could have some validity since there is a chance Bobby may know Bulluck in real life. The focus this offseason for Bulluck has been first on rehabbing from ACL surgery and then finding a new team since his contract with the Titans ended after last season.

Bulluck was the first round pick of the Titans in the 2000 NFL draft at 30th overall. He played college football at the University of Syracuse so (as BobbyBroad points out) this would a homecoming of sorts for Bulluck if these unconfirmed tweets turn out to be true. This would be sad news for Titans fans since he has been a fan favorite in Nashville for many years. The move would add some nice veteran depth for the Giants.

Will update as the story develops…

UPDATE:
The story has been confirmed by multiple sources. Keith Bulluck is now a New York Giant. And Titan fans will quietly sob into their pillows this evening. Bulluck’s deal is for 1 year and up to $2.5 million. All indications from the report on Bulluck’s workout for the Giants is he looked to be in very good shape considering he is coming off of ACL surgery. And early rumors point to Bulluck moving from outside linebacker to middle linebacker for the Giants. I scooped some people today. Too bad I don’t know the first damn thing about confirming a story.

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Marques Colston to the New York Giants?


Back to NY?


NOTE: THIS IS A GALLY BLOG EXCLUSIVE… If you don’t know my back story, I’m from Long Island, New York. Also, I live 5 minutes down the block from Hofstra. It’s very inconvenient because of all the restraining orders that the sorority houses have against me, I can’t even get to the mall! :(. However, I bang one of the journalism students that interns for the Daily News. It has its perks. For example, reading the paper one day before everyone else. I didn’t even have to go down on this girl tonight and she sent me this newspaper clipping! Check it out!


WOW!


Now that’s a shocker. Oh wait? Is that a complete fabrication? Did I make the whole thing up? Why, yes. Yes I did. Am I worse than Chris Carlin or Michael Smith? No. Actually, I’m better because I’m not serious with all these lies. Plus, I’m comical and adorable. These people are just blatantly making guesses at where people will end up in free agency or when they will retire; in hopes that the person the story is about just goes: “Am I? Shit, I need to get to San Fran..” or “Holy crap I’m old. I didn’t even know I retired.”

Jeeze. It’s like these people have office pools for these stories and their day was today, so they tried to coax everyone into thinking they won the money. Well you know what? My LEAST favorite animal is a Cheetah.

Except for you. I love you.

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Logic’s Christmas List

Nikki Hunter from NY's Lingerie Football League team
Nikki Hunter from NY's Lingerie Football League team

As you know, I’ve been on a hiatus until I took the LSAT. I used this as a studying technique because I have no self-control and usually when on my computer, I’m drinking something I shouldn’t. A lot has happened in the sporting world during my break from blogging. For instance, a particular golfer got caught using all of my moves (ex: ambien sex, the line ” I will work you”). Not cool, Tiger. I almost had my sister say she slept with Tiger Woods because at this point, he doesn’t even know who he’s paying off. Plus, if he was chillen with Jeter….he probably de-pants’d thousands of women. Anywho, there also has been much more news. More relevant to Logic as well. So in order to address all of these headlines equally and offer my solutions, I decided it would be fitting to get into the Christmas Spirit by offering my List (sorry Jewish Readers).


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The Morning After Pill: berstreet Edition 2.0

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the goings on in the sporting world. Certain teams and sports are left out due to either lack of caring or an extreme hangover. Maybe a weak hangover also, we’re kind of soft like that.

Lucky for you, you get my version of the MAP again!  I know you couldn’t wait.  But I’m at work, so let’s get this show on the road, shall we?

NFL: The Giants got destroyed by the Saints.  Who saw that one coming?!  I know Logic didn’t.  Neither did I, or I would’ve started Reggie Bush in my fantasy league.  The Titans…I mean, is someone going to contract them?  Can teams get contracted in the NFL like they can the MLB?  59-0 is super embarrassing.  They should probably just forfeit the season and hope for better luck/coaching/players/management/a new rabbit’s foot next year.  The Cards did a pretty good job against a skeletal Seattle team.  Big ups to my boy Fitz for getting me a good chunk of points 2 weeks in a row.  Then we have my beloved Vikings who did not win that game – The Ravens BLEW IT.  I seriously laughed out loud at an ESPN.com headline I saw yesterday that said, “Favre’s Late Heroics End Ravens Rally.” Whatever simpleton wrote that should be fired.  Or buy new eyes.  Or something.  I was at the game, and the 1st quarter was awesome; it was fun, it was electric.  Then the rest of the game happened.  My favorite parts were when B’more just kind of sauntered into the endzone for a couple easy TDs.  Our only saving grace, apparently, is how loud we were booing and screaming.  So loud, in fact, that my friend told me the announcers on TV were annoyed with us.  Whatev…the Ravens choked, and we’re 6-0.  I don’t care about the rest of the games.  Sorry.

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An Unbiased Look into the NFC East

Weclome Gallions. That’s your name. The readers. Sorry for my lack of action. I was busy working yesterday than I went to Governor’s Comedy Club to see that retarded genius Rich Vos with Tim Gage opening for him. Amazing. His best joke was about how he is fucking his hot wife, Bonnie McFarlane, with her period and he pretends he is killing her. He also did a 10 minute skit on how he’d fight anyone in a wheelchair or has one arm. Saying he would punch the wheelchair person in the back of the head and then run around them and punch them in the back of the head while they are spinning around in circles trying to catch up. Then he’d run up a hill and by the time the wheelchair man got to him he’d punch them in the back of the head and wheel them down the hill. People in the Audience in Wheelchairs: 4.

Ok, I digress. I didn’t know what I was going to get around to today because of my hangover, a block party and then UFC tonight. Me and Gimp will be simultaneously jerking off from 600 miles away when Nate Marquardt powerbombs someone again. The hot little blond from Abercrombie and Fitch’s block party was canceled and now you have this post. Oh shit. Hey Gally? Can you tell if my girlfriend is a reader?

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