Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Saturday November 26th 2011

Posts Tagged ‘NHL’

Morning After Pill – 6/24

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling.  Today’s edition has been crafted by WSR, meaning the paper drafts reek of tears and whiskey. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com

FIFA World Cup

United States 1 Algeria 0

England 1 Slovenia 0

Germany 1 Ghana 0

Australia 2 Serbia 1

NHL

Last night’s NHL Award show from Las Vegas was absolutely painful to watch.  Fortunately, there were 2 high points: Duncan Keith completely ignoring the “wrap it up” music and continuing to go on and on until the NHL just cut to a different camera, and a video clip with Bobby Ryan and Ryan Getzlaf.

MLB

Interleague play still sucks dong.  It’s completely competitively balanced.  The Royals defeated Stephen Strasburg and the Royals.  Since they’re in the same division, I’m sure the Twins will get a shot at the Royals, right?  (The answer is no because Bud Selig is a mouthbreathing douchenozzle that should be choked to death with used buttplugs procured from gay porn.)  Oh, and  congratulations to the Royals for giving Strasberg his first loss, 1-0.

NFL

Brett Favre didn’t do anything.  He also didn’t not do anything.

Brad Childress is still a complete retard.  It takes a special kind of moron to make me miss the tactical brilliance of Mike Tice.

Redhead

 

Ahhh, 1997.



Remember when Gillian Anderson was hot?  It’s a shame she was wasted just being on that show with David Duchovney.

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Sports Fans Are Retarded, Bad At Math

The Hockey isn't the only reason they're bored

Can you feel that? It’s springtime and love is in the air man. Soon it will be summer which brings the joys of suntans, drinking on patios, skimpy clothing and making love knocking boots. Do the kids still say that? I’m so out of touch. Anyways, not that it has to be summer for sexin’ but you get my point. That is unless you’re a sports fan. Oh sure, some of you might be getting action but face it, us in the blogging demographic are often vagina kryptonite. Doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t get an A for effort though. Well yet another poll has come out with the results being that a fanbase would give up sex for a year just to win a championship.

In a poll conducted Tuesday by Team 1040 Radio, 40 per cent of Vancouver Canucks fans polled said they would give up sex for a year if the team won the Stanley Cup. The poll was a crossover from a recent English poll that suggested that 12 per cent of soccer fans would give up sex for a year if the Three Lions won the World Cup. -The Canuck Way

This all comes on the heels of 51% of British men saying they’d take a pass on nailing Cheryl Cole, if it meant that they were victorious in the World Cup. What the hell is wrong with sports fans? Sure, my teams have all won championships in my lifetime, but come on. I get the Cherly Cole thing, because that would be a one time deal. What, you think I’m going to win her over with my 30 second prowess in the sack? Having said that though, a year? Do they not know how long that is? It’s 525,600 minutes for crying out loud. Think about that the next time you’re counting down the minutes left at work.

And for your pleasure, a Cheryl Cole gallery below. (more…)

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Eastern Conference Round 2. FIGHT.

How did I do in the first round? Nailed the Philly series, came within a 3OT game going the other way of doing the same with the Pittsburgh series, was wrong about the Habs (but did say that the Caps were capable of a Sharkian collapse…)…and let’s not talk about the Bruins. In short, poorly. Now to continue that unparalleled awesomeness, looking at the all too common 4-6-7-8 Eastern Conference Semifinals.

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A Western Conference Preview. Preview? Yes, preview.


Look familiar?


Yeah, this is a preview.  I was kidnapped by banditos and forced to impregnate all their senoritas because apparently riding horses across the Mexican frontier renders one sterile absolutely buried with real life shit.  Apologies to my horde of regular readers.  So there’s even more content here because I can look back and analyze what I thought would happen, which will appear in italics.  Sadly, it doesn’t appear like my beloved Wild will win the Cup this year.  So here’s a look at the Western Conference.

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Western Conference Playoff Preview Part 1

The best playoffs in the North American are upon us.  While I’m only covering the Western Conference, this is still simply too much for me.  So I’ve brought in the magnificent WeedAgainstSpeed from Sportress of Blogitude, NBC’s Out of Bounds, With Leather,  Deadspin, and formerly of Melt Your Face Off to answer a few questions.  His brilliance after the jump.

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Edmonton Oilers Get Creative And Controversial

Downtown Edmonton Stadium Complex
Kind of looks like a clam. Or a whale. Or a whales vagina?

That above monstrosity is an artist’s depiction of a proposed new downtown stadium, hotel and casino complex in downtown Edmonton. It currently has a projected cost of $400-$500 million dollars. Oilers owner Darryl Katz has put up nearly $200 million of his own money towards the development, which is currently still in the planning stages.

If approved, the stadium will help to revitalize a sagging downtown Edmonton core. There’s two key problems with the whole scenario. The first problem is Northlands. Northlands has hired two consulting firms to look into developing a complex of their own, on land that they have the rights too. Besides owning the current Rexall Place arena they own Northlands Agricom, which is a venue for concerts and conventions. They also own the horse track which is home to betting and VLT’s.

The second problem is money. Up here in Canada, stadiums and sports venues don’t generally receive the level of public financing that American stadiums do. The Ottawa Senators, for example, were forced to pay for the cost of development and construction of a highway offramp so that their arena was accessible by the public.

With that in mind, the Oilers brain trust has come up with a creative albeit controversial and possibly illegal method to fund the stadium. Darryl Katz was furious that the Oilers went the month of January without winning a game. He was furious that they were on a streak of 2 wins in the previous 22 games. He was furious that despite spending to near the salary cap, his team was in dead last place. That was until Patrick LaForge, Oilers CEO, got in Katz’s ear.

Despite the possible backlash, the Oilers are moving ahead with their plans to be the Harlem Globetrotters of Hockey. Seeing as how they’re so lousy, it’s surprising it took so long to come to the conclusion. Seeing as they have nothing to play for, they’re going to play willing opposing teams on their off days. It’s expected that their cut could be worth as much as $500K in profit per game playing college, junior, all star and foreign teams including the Bolivian Osos Del Nieve(Polar Bears).

Katz is expected to meet with Bill Daly, Deputy Commissioner of the NHL, to propose allowing NHL teams to bid on playing the Oilers starting next year. Insider sources say that Katz is willing to do a 60/40 split on profits with the league to allow the proposal to proceed. Early indications are that many teams would be very willing to take part in the project. Speaking off the record, 6 teams in the Eastern Conference said they would be willing to pay up to $1 million per game for the ability to play the Oilers the last 10 games of the year as a playoff primer. The Oilers are even willing to forgo home games and play 82 road games for an increased price. It’s expected that the team could net as much as $75 million next year. If the plan is successful, the Phoenix Coyotes and Columbus Blue Jackets are expected to petition the league to join the project.

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Two Alex’s, One Puck

Alex Auld is a goaltender for the Dallas Stars of the NHL. Last night against his former team, the Vancouver Canucks, Auld tried to emulate his teammate Marty Turco’s prowess with the puck. He ended up emulating catch the greased up deaf guy from Family Guy, by slipping and giving the puck to Alex Burrows. Wait, two hockey posts in one week? Fuck and or yes kiddos. Football is winding down and where else are we going to get random acts of violence and depravity? Pitching and catching? Well maybe baseball’s pitching and catching is a little more depraved than we thought, but I doubt it.

Unfortunately, unlike the last blooper that I posted, Alex Auld has no excuse on this one. He’s not even French.

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It's Hockey Season Bitches

For those of you that are too inbred to notice, or too stupid to care, the NHL season starts tonight. Why should you care I hear you muttering from here through my computer. The simple answer is that it’s the second greatest of all sports, only trailing the NFL. 

The long answer, well it’s just plain long and most of you mongoloid mother fuckers would tune out after about 10 seconds. So instead I’ll give you some video evidence of why you should be excited.
 
Great fucking fight or what?
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The Importance of Sports and Sports Video Games

mlb-09-the-show-screens-20090212105105445_640w

Sports are a huge part of the world today. Almost every major city has a least one major sports team, and many “small” cities have at least one. It’s a multi-billion dollar industry. According to Wiki which got it’s info from forbes.com Sept. of ’08, Manchester United was worth $1.800B, Dallas Cowboys $1,612B, Washington Redskins $1,538B, New England Patriots $1,324B, and are all more valuable than the Yankees $1,306B(suck on that New York). It’s an industry where people devote their entire lives to either playing, covering or following the games.

It’s also something that adds an emotional component to people’s lives. This emotional component can be of the good or bad variety. Fans of the Cubs have to be dealing with the fact that they haven’t won a Championship in a 100 frikken years, and it’s counting. On the other hand, the Detroit Lions fans were overjoyed in 1991 when the team won a playoff game. It was the first playoff game that they had won in 44 years. They Haven’t Won One Since, which allows them to feel the other side and for you to laugh at them. No matter whether you’re on the winning or losing side of a real NFL team, you’re going to feel something at the end of a game.

Now most of us are alcoholics, fat lumps or people devoid of any modicum of athletic ability. That pickup game of Coed volleyball you play every other week doesn’t count, nor does getting off the couch to grab another beer. continue

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Domination by Helm

Red Wings Stars Hockey
As you may know, the Red Wings defeated the Blackhawks last night to set up the first back-to-back Stanley Cup Finals rematch, since 1984. The Finals are supposed to commence in 8, yeah 8 days, but the league is working some stuff out with NBC, to try and change that. The finals will Match up Sidney Crosby’s Pittsburgh Penguins and ???Joseph* Johan Franzen’s Detroit Red Wings.

Well, the game was pretty good and was the third one of the series to go into overtime, which is part of the reason the Stanley Cup Playoffs are the greatest championship in all of sports. Back to the topic of Domination. During the game, the Red Wings were killing a penalty, and Darren Helm single handedly went into the Blackhawk zone, played keep away from them and got a shot off. It was so incredible that at the 23 second mark, you hear the announcer, Jim Hughson exclaim, “Bullshit, and he’s got the puck again!”

video after jump

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