Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Friday November 25th 2011

Posts Tagged ‘Old King Clancy’

Old King Clancy’s Fashionably Late Top 10 TV Shows of 2010

Yeah, so it’s February and most anybody who’s anybody posted their Top 10 TV Shows of 2010 near the end of 2010. When it felt like a flood and you couldn’t remember whose was whose. Well, consider mine “fashionably late.” Because if there’s one thing that Old King Clancy is, it’s fashionable. I’m also now the second member of this collective to post his picks. You can find Nonpopulist’s Top 15 here at his own site, and yeah, there’s a lot of crossover with mine. Hey, at least I beat Gally, who’s been too busy emo twittering to post his. And well, you can just assume that Logic’s are “The Ultimate Fighter” and Dane Cook specials.

As a standard disclaimer, like anyone that’s not a paid TV critic, I can only rank what I’ve actually seen. I haven’t seen any of the AMC shows that top everyone’s lists – Mad Men and Breaking Bad. Maybe by next year I’ll have Netflixed that shit so I actually can see it. I don’t have HBO so I’ve never seen Boardwalk Empire. Never seen Lost, which is a long story. Don’t watch Sons of Anarchy. Just heard of Archer a couple weeks ago and it’s not on Netflix streaming anymore, but last week’s was awesome. And a few of my favorite shows (30 Rock and HIMYM) had very uneven years so they didn’t make it. Point being, can’t judge your favorite show if I’ve never seen it, so get off my dick. Unless you’re Kristen Bell. Anyway, let’s get down to business. Tell your disappointment to suck it; we’re having a TV party tonight!

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Nike, Get Your Lawyers On the Phone!

Yeah, it’s Groundhog Day and I feel like I’m reliving something. Hmm, this Gillette commercial sure does sound familiar.

Where on earth do I remember it from? (more…)

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In Honor of Parks and Recreation’s Return Tonight

I know this isn’t new, but it’s about the most ridiculously addictive thing ever.

Good luck unsticking that from your head. Sorry.

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The Fake Babysitter

I’m not one to write about drunken hookup stories. It’s clichéd, cheap, exploitative, clichéd, bad form, douchey, lazy, the worst form of “humble brag,” and also clichéd. HOWEVER, writing about drunken hookup stories involving people that aren’t you? That’s just people-watching. And now matter how many times you think you’ve seen it all, people can surprise you. So why don’t you sit right back, and I, I may tell you a tale. A tale of drunken douchebaggery and thespianism set in the backdrop of fair Washington, DC. Across the street from the MCI Verizon Center after a Penguins-Capitals game that I wasn’t at.

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It Helps If You Know French

In another life/incarnation, this would be my handle and avatar.

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I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Giants Game

… Dan Snyder, I want to kill you. Kristen Bell, I want to …

It’s over. Now I have to go back to actually writing instead of paint-by-numbers. I believe there was a football game in there somewhere. One that involved 4 Skins turnovers and a missed 30-yard field goal. But now we’re in the offseason and my digestive system can rest easy.

Did you know that the Redskins team headquarters and facilities are in Ashburn, Virginia. I officially motion that they change the cozy hamlet’s name to Cockburn, Virginia. Speaking of Cockburn, since none of you have ever experienced what it’s like to have to drink Cockburn after your team loses (yet — man up, suckers!), there’s no way of escaping. You receive an official message from CBHQ that it’s time to drink it. In circles of the know, it’s called a CockBurn Notice. Also, in Cockburn-eligible games that one is unable to watch, you may communicate with fellow members of the Order of the Burn by way of CB Radio. Just thought you might want to know. Anyway, let’s head down to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump. (more…)

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Some Heartfelt New Year’s Wishes From Old King Clancy

If you followed me from The Phoenix Pub, you’re probably familiar with this schtick already.

And a New Year’s toast coming up after the jump. (more…)

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I’m Burnin’ For You: Old King Clancy Watches the Skins-Jaguars Game

Merry Christmas TO THE GROUND!!!!! Enjoy your Cockburn! Don’t pump that garbage through my veins!!!!!

Of course, any Skins win at this point is bittersweet since a truckload of teams just passed them for draft position. I don’t have much to say about this game besides that without Maurice Jones-Drew, the Jaguars kinda munch on a butt. And if the Skins’ pass defense were a condom, it couldn’t even cover my minuscule johnson. Anyway, I did appreciate getting use that clip and my digestive system appreciated the lack of Cockburn. Though I did chug some Sandeman port straight out the bottle on Christmas Eve so my grandparents, who like port as we’ve discussed in the past, would know to get some more instead of accidentally serving a fifth of a bottle. I don’t know why I wasn’t Time’s Man of the Year either, except that magazine might be dead. Anyway, let’s check in with our official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump. (more…)

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A Dramatic Interpretation of the NFL, the Eagles, and the City of Philadelphia

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I’m Burnin’ For You: A Merry Cockburn Christmas Special

First of all, here’s Old King Clancy watching the Skins-Cowboys game:

Yeah, I’ve had that in my back pocket for losing to the Cowboys all season. Turns out, maybe the Eagles game was the right place for it. However, since if there’s one thing I’ve learned from 2 weeks on Twitter, it’s that people on the Internet are supposed to repeatedly pat themselves on the back, I’d like to mention how perfectly the lyrics from last week’s song describe being a Skins fan.

So, the Sex Cannon. Since the DC media are generally a bunch of flip-flopping lapdogs, he’s currently the toast of the town. Despite losing. Yes, he threw 4 TD passes and a lot less ground balls than McNabb. However, he also threw a horrific interception on the Skins’ 20 and fumbled on the Skins’ 20. So yeah, he was better than McNabb for this game. But to use my dad’s genius description of Neil Lomax, he’s “just good enough to lose with.” And the point is that they lost. To the Cowboys. Now, in the Cannon’s defense, the real reason they lost is because the defense and special teams kept fucking that chicken. Yes, the Sex Cannon fucked over the defense with a couple of his turnovers, but none of their 460 yards allowed is the Cannon’s fault. And the kick and punt coverage did their jobs as well as Jennifer Lopez trying to sing or act (or pretend to be a human being). So the Sex Cannon sucked the least out of the 3 elements. Good for him. They still lost. To the Cowboys.

I’d like to surrender the floor to Hogs Haven‘s (my favorite Skins’ blog) Ken Meringolo, who said best of this: “Chalk up another “We should have won, could have won, but really had no business being close to winning” day. I mean, there we were yet again…the ways this team takes losses are simply amazing. What lessons are we learning this year? Really…what are we gaining from the experience of almost winning this many times? I worry that the lesson being driven into this team is more how to lose than how to win. I suppose the hope is that another offseason of roster upheaval will further erode the foundation of our institutional culture of losing. We can only hope that young, promising players like Brian Orakpo and Trent Williams will escape the psychological anvil that has destroyed guys who have played here in the past. After all, there is a limit to how much bullshit a professional can withstand before he either decides to leave or decides to give up and go through the motions.” Amen. And there’s always a glass of Cockburn available for you and your partner, Kevin Ewoldt.

Speaking of, and sorry for taking up space on the main page, let’s go to our Official Cockburn Count Correspondent after the jump: (more…)

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