Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Wednesday September 14th 2011

Posts Tagged ‘pessimism’

Why Your Favorite NFL Team Will Suck This Year: NFC WEST

The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They will tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the NFC East. These are barely getting any pageviews, but it’s a matter of desire at this point. I need to focus and finish. What I learned for next year: start earlier and don’t try to do all of these by myself.

Why the San Fransisco 49ers will suck this season:

The 49ers have all the looks of a team that will be in an upswing this year. That’s the first warning sign of impending disappointment. Do not trust that instinct. Alex Smith is still as shaky as ever. I have not yet begun to make fun of the people that claim continuity in the offensive coaching staff will help Smith have a good year throwing the ball. Frank Gore is as injury-prone as ever. Mike Singletary has such a sparkling personality that some on the team (Glen Coffee) decided they would be better off serving the Lord. The Niners defensive has some solid talent, but there are still holes. Fortunately for them they play in the NFC West.
Prediction 9-7

Why the Seattle Seahawks will suck this season:

New Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll is one of the hottest stories going into the NFL story. He seems bulletproof after tap dancing out of the NCAA violation mess he left at USC. The NFL is a different animal, though, and the last time Carroll was in the NFL he had a rough go of it. This time he has more notoriety and a better reputation despite the fact he left USC’s football program in shreds. “You have at it, Kiffin!” The turnover in personnel since Carroll has taken over should have Seahawks’ fans biting their nails. And the team is one blindside hit on Hasselback away from the beginning of the Charlie Whitehurst era. Carroll sure brings that winning exuberance, though. *mouth fart*
Prediction 6-10

Why the Arizona Cardinals will suck this season:

I do not need to pile on to Cardinals’ fans who have already soiled themselves in response to the upcoming season because of the injury to wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald, but I will because I am an asshole. All signs point to Larry Fitzgerald being ready to go, but if he is only at 80% he will not be the Larry Fitzgerald you drafted in the second round of your fantasy draft and not the Larry Fitzgerald the Cardinals need in order for him to impact the offense in the manner in which we have all grown accustomed. The good news for the Cardinals is they finally got rid of Matt Leinart. The bad news for the Cardinals is they are going to start Derek Anderson at quarterback. Therefore the level of Spuds McKenzie partying has suffered a significant downgrade. Head coach Ken Whisenhunt is still convinced he can turn this team into the Pittsburgh Steelers, but he has yet to acquire the personnel needed to make the team as tough as he wants.
Prediction 5-11


Why the St. Louis Rams will suck this season:

aklfkjnkeonjfwefwefewofjwoemfowemcomckld mmk sdlmlkjmlkjf. I don’t even have to try. But seriously, rookie quarterback Sam Bradford looked decent in the preseason. My advice to the offensive play caller: call a lot of short passes. The offensive line in St. Louis is porous, and unless they want their new franchise quarterback to go the way of Joey Harrington, Patrick Ramsey, or other quarterbacks who have the skill and awareness knocked out of them because of poor blocking they need to adjust their offense. They lost one of their major offensive weapons for the year already in Donnie Avery. Steven Jackson appears to be somewhat healthy, but with his past I would not count on him for more than 7 games. And the defense, what defense?
Prediction 3-13

Whew, that’s over. I enjoyed previewing all 8 NFL divisions. How about you? Do you want to argue about it? I will win.

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Why Your Favorite NFL Team Will Suck This Year: NFC EAST

The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They will tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the NFC East. These are barely getting any pageviews, but it’s a matter of desire at this point. I need to focus and finish. What I learned for next year: start earlier and don’t try to do all of these by myself.

Why the New York Giants will suck this season:

The Giants are a shell of what they were when they won the Super Bowl a few years ago. Quarterback Eli Manning still has about as much charisma and leadership ability as the runny dump I took an hour ago, and the Giants still do not have Plaxico Burress. While Plax’s football abilities continue to rot in prison because of pussy liberals who think guns are the devil a young Giants’ receiving corps looks poised to drop balls and under perform again this year. The running game is one of the team’s potential strong points, but the offensive line is shaky because of injuries and Brandon Jacobs is about ready to go “diva” on everyone. Someone get that big baby a Snickers bar. I think the defense will perform better this year, though.
Prediction 10-6

Why the Philadelphia Eagles will suck this season:

The Eagles will suck this year because they got rid of Donovan McNabb, one of the best quarterbacks in the game, and are instead starting a completely unproven backup. That’s a move bound to bring a championship. Has anyone ever considered the possibility McNabb might not be the problem in Philly? It could be because God hates your dumb city. The problem could also be the head coach, Andy Reid, has forgotten more about football than anyone ever knew about football, as in all of it. Andy Reid doesn’t know anything about football is the point I am trying to make here. That’s a recipe for suckitude.
Prediction: 5-11

Why the Washington Redskins will suck this season:

The Redskins will suck because they have Donovan McNabb. LOL, J/K. KTHXBAI. Mike Shanahan (candy lover) has a mandate from Redskins’ owner Dan Snyder to fix this team Shanahan’s way. The new head coach has come in and done things his way alright. He’s pissed everyone off including talented defen$ive tackle Albert Haynesworth. You may have seen something about that in the news. Think about what happened in D.C. the last time a coach lost the team. When the players grew tired of Jim Zorn they stopped playing for him and it led to many disasters on the field. Shanahan is not diplomatic enough to coach this team. I hate to say this, but Shanny needs to take a page out of the Tom Coughlin playbook if he doesn’t want to have a rough season.
Prediction 4-12

Why the Dallas Cowboys will suck this season:

The Cowboys will most likely have a good regular season. Their sucking will occur in the postseason if they make it that far. Quarterback Tony Romo is awesome… at plowing hot tail, as a quarterback, meh. The team continues to put faith in Marion Barber at running back even though he doesn’t run as well as Earl Campbell does today. Wade Phillips is a soft coach. Jerry Jones still thinks he can GM an NFL team. Wait, I have an idea. Why not let the stadium play, coach, and be the general manager? At least the stadium will see the Super Bowl this year.
Prediction 5-11

I’m basically doing this to entertain myself as no one is reading these. That’s ok. I am entertaining myself, and not just by typing if ya know what I mean. *Wink

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Why Your Favorite NFL Team Will Suck This Year: NFC SOUTH

The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They will tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the NFC South.

Why the Atlanta Falcons will suck this season:

The Atlanta Falcons may have a good season. This is another team I have a hard time being pessimistic about. The Falcons are a running team, and Michael Turner is expected to have a productive  year. This is quarterback Matt Ryan’s 3rd year, the year things come together for good NFL quarterbacks. Matt Ryan is a good quarterback. I think the defense will be steady, maybe even above average. I am struggling to find any negatives on this team. The secondary is not a sure thing.
Prediction 11-5

Why the New Orleans Saints will suck this season:

The hardest thing to do in professional sports is to repeat as Super Bowl champions. Cliches, like stereotypes, are often there for a reason. There’s no way the New Orleans Saints will repeat as Super Bowl champs. They don’t have a Super Bowl hangover because they are still drunk. And really who blames them? The franchise has been so bad for so long that I do not fault them one bit for enjoying their Super Bowl glory. I’m not saying the Saints will completely suck. I think they will have a winning season even, but no Super Bowl.
Prediction 10-6

Why the Carolina Panthers will suck this season:

The Panthers finally got rid of Jake Delhomme, but they have unproven virgin Matt Moore at quarterback to start the season. Opposing teams will be playing the run knowing the Panthers will be trying to hide Moore from big scary defensive lineman and linebackers. Head coach on the perpetual hot seat John Fox seemed lost last season, and does anyone honestly think this team has improved? Don’t try to throw up Steve Smith either. He will be double-teamed, and the offensive line will have to protect Moore long enough for him to even throw the ball in Smith’s direction. I’ll also be a famous writer one day. Now I’m just listing things that will never happen.
Prediction 5-11

Why the Tampa Bay Buccaneers will suck this season:


Tampa has a young QB, a young coach, and not much talent. They are a no brainer to finish last in this division. Seriously, I don’t even want to think about how bad the Bucs will be this year. And don’t even think about picking up any of the Buccaneers players for anything fantasy football-related unless you play in a punter league. That guy will see a lot of action.
Prediction 2-14

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Why Your Favorite NFL Team Will Suck This Year: NFC NORTH

The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They will tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the NFC North.

Why the Minnesota Vikings will suck this season:

Adrian Peterson, or “Purple Jesus” as he is known in some circles, claims he has fixed his fumbling problem. Yeh, and Quentin Tarantino has fixed his coke problem. (There could have also been a gambling or pedophilia crack there.) I put the over/ under on Peterson fumbles this year at 8.5, and I’m being nice. Brett Favre was coaxed into coming back to play another season for the Vikings. That’s right, three players (Steve Hutchinson, Jared Allen, and Ryan Longwell) got on a plane to Mississippi in order convince Brett Favre to come back and play another season. You mean we could have been rid of Brett Favre? Seriously? I predict the karmic justice for that dick move will be freaking biblical for those players and the Vikings this season.
Prediction 7-9

Why the Green Bay Packers will suck this season:

The Packers looked good in the preseason, but remember, that doesn’t count. The offense looks to be humming so hopefully they can continue their success into the regular season. The defense on the other hand, has some holes. The team lost Aaron Kampman to the Jaguars in the offseason. All parties involved have spun the move as Kampman not fitting into the Packers’ defensive system, but he is still a talented player who is no longer on the team. The big hole in the Packers’ defense is the secondary. Both Atari Bigby and Al Harris are starting the season on physically unable to perform list. Packer’s linebacker Clay Mathews has missed time this preseason and is not 100% healthy heading into the season. Defensive lineman Johnny Jolly is suspended for the season as well. Those and the other problems not listed here lead me to believe Green Bay is going to need to score a lot of points to beat people this year. This is actually one of the teams I am least pessimistic about.
Prediction 10-6

Why the Detroit Lions will suck this season:

“Everyone will expect us to improve again this year. What are we going to do?”
“Beats the hell out of me!”

This Lions team is now 2 seasons removed from the infamous 0-16 season, the worst in professional football history. They won two games last year. When you’re happy with two wins there is still something seriously wrong with your franchise. And don’t try to tell me 2nd year tight end Brandon Pettigrew is an offensive weapon. That’s ridiculous. Your over hyped wide receiver who gets taken too high in fantasy football drafts every year, Calvin Johnson, has a back like the last living World War I veteran. (Can you tell I’ve been burned by him in fantasy football before?) The Lions have two defensive players of note, Ndamukong Suh (a rookie) and Kyle Vanden Bosch who is only a factor when lined up next to a dominant defensive tackle like when he played next to Albert Haynesworth in Tennessee. Second year quarterback Matthew Stafford was just good enough last year in his rookie season to ensure he will have a sophomore slump. It is not looking good, Lion fan.
Prediction 4-12

Why the Chicago Bears will suck this year:

Bears head coach Lovie Smith has been on the hot seat in Chicago for about 3 years. His team has failed to produce time and again. People think Obama and Rahm Emmanuel run dirty Chicago politics? The real powerhouse has got to be Lovie Smith. He must have tons of dirt on everyone in Chicago to be such a bad coach and get to stick around. Jay Cutler will likely throw a few dozen interceptions at key points throughout the season. The team has Mike Martz as the new offensive coordinator so look for there to be confusion and frustration aplenty when both he and the Bears’ offensive players realize they are not the early 2000′s Rams. The Bears’ defense has Brian Urlacher back. It’s just too bad he’s still a fairy who likes to have his toesies painted.
Prediction 4-12

And yes, I realize the math is not going to add up for all of the records I am predicting for these teams. Effin stat geeks.

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Why Your Favorite NFL Team Will Suck This Year: AFC WEST

The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They will tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the AFC West.

Why the San Diego Chargers will suck this season:

Hope floats for Charger fans, as does all of quarterback Philip Rivers’ passes. San Diego appears to be the consensus pick to win the AFC West, but honestly, I do not see it. The Chargers are putting their faith in a rookie running back Ryan Mathews who is unproven despite how sexy of a fantasy football pickup he has been this year. The team has Samuel L. Jackson from the movie Unbreakable backing Mathews up at running back. Philip Rivers’ number one target Vincent Jackson is disgruntled and will not sign his restricted free agent tender. Even if he does show up to play he is not in shape at this point. The Chargers have a defense softer than Christina Hendricks’ boobs too.
Prediction 8-8

Why the Denver Broncos will suck this season:

I hesitate to say anything negative about the Broncos since they have Tebow Christ Superstar on their team. Lendale White tweeted a picture of Tim Tebow and look at what happened to him, out for the season with a ruptured achilles tendon. Don’t cross Tebow. Lesson learned. Other than the wrath of God being enacted against anyone who doesn’t embrace Tebow as the 2nd coming or at least say how much better of a person they are after spending five minutes with him, the former Florida quarterback will not be a factor this season. If you had a gun to my head I would say Tim Tebow will never be an impact player in the NFL. Then I would do some sort of badass Jack Bauer move probably breaking your arm and get the gun. Now who’s in charge!? What were we talking about?
Prediction 6-10

Why the Kansas City Chiefs will suck this season:

The Chiefs are classic examples of one of those types of teams that suck. Hard. Matt Cassell was a system quarterback (They do exist!) I doubt seriously Cassell will ever repeat the success he had the year he started for the Patriots. The good news for the Chiefs is there has been a coaching reunion of sorts from the fantastical Super Bowl seasons of the New England Patriots with both Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel joining the staff as Offensive and Defensive Coordinators respectively. The only problem is the Chiefs’ head coach, Todd Haley, is no Bill Belichick. Although he does seem to have the power trip of Bill Belichick (see: Charles, Jamaal.) Ask Josh McDaniels how that works out.
Prediction 4-12

Why the Oakland Raiders will suck this season:

Why does the sun come up every morning? I don’t know, but it does. One day the sun may not come up, though, and the last thing we’ll care about is how crappy the Oakland Radiers are. Signing Jason Campbell at quarterback was a positive step in the offseason, but he has already hurt his shoulder, and I haven’t heard anything credible about his status going into the season opener. The odds that Oakland puts out the dumpster fire that engulfs their team are about as likely as me getting a blow job from Ellen Page. I’m a fan of her, and I really want it to happen, but I am a creep who types things on the internet about getting a blow job from Ellen Page. Do you see the problem? If you do, please tell me.
Prediction 3-13

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Why Your Favorite NFL Team Will Suck This Year: AFC EAST

The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the AFC East.

Why the Miami Dolphins will suck this year:

The Miami Dolphins appear poised to make a run at winning the division title in the AFC East this year. One problem, they are starting a flash in the pan quarterback (Chad Henne) while a proven veteran (Chad Pennington) will begin the year on the bench. Also, the Dolphins’ offense will still rely heavily on the wildcat single wing. Not that there is anything wrong with the single wing, except it’s for pussies. Henne will falter despite the kool-aid people are currently drinking after his impressive run of performances to end last season. The big free agent splash made by the Brandon Marshall signing will have little to no impact considering this team will try to run the ball behind an aging Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown who is recovering from injury. Yeh, this is your year Dolphins’ fans. *mouth fart*
Prediction: 8-8

Why the New York Jets will suck this year:

The hype machine can not produce a much bigger snowball than the New York Jets have rolling right now. Lost in the Hard Knocks hoopla is the fact the Jets have a one-sided offense. Mark Sanchez can not be relied upon for anything other than handing the ball off to Shonn Greene and hopefully not Ladainian Tomlinson. What a relief that Darrelle Revis finally signed a contract extension and is finally practicing with the team. But wait, he’s not in football shape. He missed all of training camp, the preseason, and hasn’t been hitting anyone. That makes for a likely early season injury. I’m thinking he will have something with his hamstring that will hang around all year. The Jets are bound to disappoint this year.
Prediction: 9-7

Why the New England Patriots will suck this year:


I predict the series of lackluster seasons for the Patriots will continue this year. It’s awfully hard to win games in the National Football League when you can’t cheat to win. Wouldn’t you agree, Bill Belichick? Belichick, the NFL’s Eddie Guerrero (RIP) already has a depleted secondary to start the year. The hole left by departing defensive veterans such as Brushy, Vrabel, Rodney Harrison, Asante Samuel, and Richard Seymour won’t be as bad as last year, but they are still lacking in talent. Randy Moss isn’t happy. He doesn’t feel wanted since he hasn’t been offered a big new contract. Does he want Robert Kraft to come read him a damn bedtime story too? And maybe stick two fingers in his vagina? Randy Moss isn’t a locker room cancer when he’s unhappy. He’s locker room necrotic tissue. He just shuts down, shrivels up and dies. Ask the Vikings and the Raiders. That’s all this team needs to be successful this year- a distraction on top of lacking talent. And Tom Brady has gone soft. There, I said it.
Predcition 5-11

Why the Buffalo Bills will suck this year:

The Bills have a new coach, Chan Gailey, and with a name like Gailey you know he has to be good at football. The Bills are going to be at the bottom of this division for some time. They have two very talented running backs in Fred Jackson and the rookie C.J. Spiller, and then they have Marshawn Lynch. What’s up with that dude? I know he has a minor injury right now, but does it seem to anyone besides me that he is fading out of existence like somebody messed up in Back to the Future? Trent Edwards can be a decent quarterback, but the offensive line will not give him a chance to succeed. There is some talent on defense, but not enough to make a difference in their division.
Prediction 3-13

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Why Your Favorite NFL Team Will Suck This Year: AFC NORTH

The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the AFC North.

Why the Baltimore Ravens will suck this year:

In this picture, Terrence Cody’s eyes say, “If you want to play with the pancake titties you need to buy them dinner first.”
But seriously, I think he’s going to be a good NFL player.

The Ravens are the sexy pick to win the division, but when I look at the Ravens I struggle to find something sexy. Joe Flacco’s unibrow? Maybe. Half of the Ravens’ defense is aging. The bright spots to me are Ngata and the rookie Terrence “Mountain of Pancakes Titties” Cody. Ray Lewis at this point is a semi-soft blob floating around the field and making contact with slower running backs. He still gets fired up, though? Right, Raven fan? I find it laughable that people are thinking the Raven’s offense will be “potent” this year. Ha, the Ravens haven’t even been able to get an offensive semi that I can remember, much less get fully erect. Don’t put all your eggs in one Ray Rice basket either. He is on every defensive coordinator’s gaydar radar this year.

Why the Cincinnati Bengals will suck this year:

This is one of the easier ones to hate on. Carson Palmer is still not the same from his knee injury a few years ago. Hey Carson, why do you think Brett Favre hot steps quickly backwards after every pass he throws? Because he knows people will inadvertently be at his knees to tear his MCL, PCL, ACL, vagina, or all 4. Why, Carson, do you think  he has so many consecutive starts? Regardless of Palmer getting hurt again, he is still sailing passes over his receivers heads’ because he does not trust his plant foot after getting hurt last time. Why do you think there’s such a commitment to the run in Cincy? Many people point to Terrell Owens as a potential detriment to the team? Are you serious? You’re blowing my mind with this fucking analysis. He was even suspended one time for “conduct detrimental to the team?” Wow. I don’ think T.O. will blow up this year. Maybe next year, but not this year. He still drops a lot of passes that are thrown his way. That can hurt a team.

Why the Pittsburgh Steelers will suck this year:

The Steelers will not have Ben Rothlisberger for the first 4 games of the season. Then they have a bye week. Then Big Ben is back. Say what you will about Ben, but the team runs through his holding-on-to-the-ball-too-long-ass. If I was a Steeler’s fan I would not be able to stand watching Ben Rothlisberger play. Let’s leave the off-the-field stuff alone, Ben’s dancing around in the “pocket” waiting for receivers to uncover causes him to get hit a lot and the offense to stall. He’s a little like Barry Sanders. When Barry Sanders was playing he would sometimes break huge runs, but often he would get caught behind the line of scrimmage because he was dancing around instead of hitting a hole. I’m not saying either Barry Sanders or Big Ben are bad players. In fact, I believe the opposite. I think that if both players’ habits were changed they would be that much greater. Oh, and Rashard “Fumble-the-ball” Mendenhall is the #1 RB. He’s not good. Did you like that nickname? Yeh, you did, you dirty slut. Now touch it.

Why the Cleveland Browns will suck this year:

The quintessential “Aww, peaches!” moment. The picture quality is bad, just like Jake’s playing ability.

We’re talking about the Cleveland Browns here, people. Could anything possibly go right with this organization? Allow me to pile on. Your team is Josh Cribbs. That’s it. How does building a team around one player work out Cleveland. Think about recent history. *cough* Lebron *cough*. And they didn’t even want to pay their best player with a contract commensurate with his skills until they absolutely had to. Jake Delhomme is the quarterback. I can’t really add anything worse than that, but I will try. Delhomme leads the league in saying, “AAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW, PEACHES!!!1!1!!” after interceptions for every year he has been in the league. Jake Delhomme gets intercepted in the Madden video game 5 times a game with the difficulty level on rookie. He will be the death of this team this year.

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Why Your Favorite NFL Team Will Suck This Year: AFC SOUTH

The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. First up, the AFC South.

Why the Indianapolis Colts will suck this year:

Photo via Manning Face

The Colts had a good season last year. Peyton Manning rallied a young group of rag tag players and went to the Super Bowl but eventually lost to the seemingly predestined New Orleans Saints. Nevermind the reason he has to carry a young rag tag group is because of his exorbitant salary which will soon go up whenever the Colts put together a new deal for him. Manning has one year left on his deal, however, and with negotiations on a new collective bargaining agreement between the NFLPA and NFL owners not moving along at a promising pace Manning may not get another deal before a new CBA is in place. Manning also had surgery in the offseason because his Herman Munster-like neck started to fall apart. Have you never noticed how Peyton looks like Herman Munster’s bastard child? Well now you see it, don’t you? Here is a stat since most of these posts will be pure conjecture. Of the last 11 teams to lose a Super Bowl, eight came back the following year and missed the playoffs. *Sad trombone*
Prediction: 9-7

Why the Tennessee Titans will suck this year:

Image via me. I like Nate Washington, though. I bought his Titans’ jersey t-shirt.

This will be simple for me since I am a fan of this team. #1- VINCE YOUNG. Vince has looked good this preseason. This is a smoke screen. Vince completing passes this season is all a ruse so that his subsequent fall will look that much more spectacular. He still does not know how to throw a football. VY cannot put touch on a screen pass either. He throws a screen pass and the running has to duck. If the playbook were anymore dumbed down for Vince he would get everyone in the huddle and say, “Everyone go long.” For running plays he would say, “Snap it to me and I’ll sneak it.”
#2- Chris Johnson- CJ2K’s performance last season was one of the few bright spots the Titans had. 2,000 yards rushing? That is a reason to celebrate, and celebrate Johnson did. The offseason was filled with tweets about “going in” and his “wrist game” being “gone.” I consulted a black person about what some of Johnson had been tweeting meant. After paying what he said was a standard “reparations fee” he explained what some of CJ’s tweets mean. I was way off! I finally had to unfollow Chris Johnson on twitter because it was becoming mostly gibberish. The problem with all of Johnson’s celebrating is I think he forgot to train and stay in shape this offseason. He did not go to one workout at the team facility. I have a sinking feeling he’s going to get injured early on this season. That’s why I have been drafting Javon Ringer late in many fantasy drafts. He’s Chris Johnson’s backup. Without Johnson this is team is crappy. I didn’t even get to the defense.
Prediction: 7-9

Why the Houston Texans will suck this year:

The Texans have some good to great offensive players. Matt Schaub is a solid quarterback, and Andre Johnson is arguably the best wide receiver in the game of football. The hype has been hot around this team for a couple of years. Many NFL analysts think this is the year Head Coach Gary Kubiak puts the pieces together and the Texans make the playoffs. Not bloody likely. Schaub and Andre Johnson are injury prone. Owen Daniels, the Texans’ #1 tight end, is still recovering from knee surgery although he is expected to play. The team is relying on a rookie, Arian Foster, to run the football after another rookie they were counting on, Ben Tate, was placed on IR and their other running back, Steve Slaton, can’t get over a chronic case of fumblitis. Yeh, this is the year I see them going to playoffs.
Prediciton: 6-10

Why the Jacksonville Jaguars will suck this year:

Come on, they’re the Jaguars. That’s all they know how to do- suck. But seriously, can everyone quit acting like there is some big ticket push the team is committed to? The owner Wayne Weaver and the head coach, Jack Del Rio, have an understanding. This team will be moved to Los Angeles as soon as there is a stadium built for them. Don’t you find it odd that Del Rio has been on the hot seat for about 3 years and not fired yet? There have been about 10,000 seats covered up at the Jaguars stadium for at least 4 years. Del Rio is dogging it, playing possum, whatever you want to call it. The understanding is once the team is able to move to L.A. they will realign the AFC and be able to win the division out west. I predict the AFC South and AFC West will just swap the Kansas City Chiefs and Jacksonville Jaguars. For now the Jaguars are awful, and above is the only logical explanation I can think of for their recent failures.
Predicition: 2-14

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