Why Your Favorite NFL Team Will Suck This Year: AFC NORTH

The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the AFC North.

Why the Baltimore Ravens will suck this year:

In this picture, Terrence Cody’s eyes say, “If you want to play with the pancake titties you need to buy them dinner first.”
But seriously, I think he’s going to be a good NFL player.

The Ravens are the sexy pick to win the division, but when I look at the Ravens I struggle to find something sexy. Joe Flacco’s unibrow? Maybe. Half of the Ravens’ defense is aging. The bright spots to me are Ngata and the rookie Terrence “Mountain of Pancakes Titties” Cody. Ray Lewis at this point is a semi-soft blob floating around the field and making contact with slower running backs. He still gets fired up, though? Right, Raven fan? I find it laughable that people are thinking the Raven’s offense will be “potent” this year. Ha, the Ravens haven’t even been able to get an offensive semi that I can remember, much less get fully erect. Don’t put all your eggs in one Ray Rice basket either. He is on every defensive coordinator’s gaydar radar this year.

Why the Cincinnati Bengals will suck this year:

This is one of the easier ones to hate on. Carson Palmer is still not the same from his knee injury a few years ago. Hey Carson, why do you think Brett Favre hot steps quickly backwards after every pass he throws? Because he knows people will inadvertently be at his knees to tear his MCL, PCL, ACL, vagina, or all 4. Why, Carson, do you think  he has so many consecutive starts? Regardless of Palmer getting hurt again, he is still sailing passes over his receivers heads’ because he does not trust his plant foot after getting hurt last time. Why do you think there’s such a commitment to the run in Cincy? Many people point to Terrell Owens as a potential detriment to the team? Are you serious? You’re blowing my mind with this fucking analysis. He was even suspended one time for “conduct detrimental to the team?” Wow. I don’ think T.O. will blow up this year. Maybe next year, but not this year. He still drops a lot of passes that are thrown his way. That can hurt a team.

Why the Pittsburgh Steelers will suck this year:

The Steelers will not have Ben Rothlisberger for the first 4 games of the season. Then they have a bye week. Then Big Ben is back. Say what you will about Ben, but the team runs through his holding-on-to-the-ball-too-long-ass. If I was a Steeler’s fan I would not be able to stand watching Ben Rothlisberger play. Let’s leave the off-the-field stuff alone, Ben’s dancing around in the “pocket” waiting for receivers to uncover causes him to get hit a lot and the offense to stall. He’s a little like Barry Sanders. When Barry Sanders was playing he would sometimes break huge runs, but often he would get caught behind the line of scrimmage because he was dancing around instead of hitting a hole. I’m not saying either Barry Sanders or Big Ben are bad players. In fact, I believe the opposite. I think that if both players’ habits were changed they would be that much greater. Oh, and Rashard “Fumble-the-ball” Mendenhall is the #1 RB. He’s not good. Did you like that nickname? Yeh, you did, you dirty slut. Now touch it.

Why the Cleveland Browns will suck this year:

The quintessential “Aww, peaches!” moment. The picture quality is bad, just like Jake’s playing ability.

We’re talking about the Cleveland Browns here, people. Could anything possibly go right with this organization? Allow me to pile on. Your team is Josh Cribbs. That’s it. How does building a team around one player work out Cleveland. Think about recent history. *cough* Lebron *cough*. And they didn’t even want to pay their best player with a contract commensurate with his skills until they absolutely had to. Jake Delhomme is the quarterback. I can’t really add anything worse than that, but I will try. Delhomme leads the league in saying, “AAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW, PEACHES!!!1!1!!” after interceptions for every year he has been in the league. Jake Delhomme gets intercepted in the Madden video game 5 times a game with the difficulty level on rookie. He will be the death of this team this year.

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Tags: AFC North, Baltimore Ravens, Cincinnati Bengals, Cleveland Browns, NFL, pessimism, Pittsburgh Steelers
Category National Football League, NFL, Prognostication, Recent |

It’s a Pittsburgh Thing, You Wouldn’t Understand

Apparently furious with Ben Roethlisberger for snagging all the ugly chicks in Pennsylvania, Steelers head coach and Omar Epps look alike, Mike Tomlin, apparently decided to go out and one up his quarterback by getting wasted with a bunch of unattractive white girls himself. According to a probably unreliable source:

Long story short, a group of girls … were bragging how they partied with Pittsburgh Steelers Head Coach, Mike Tomlin. They said he was nuts and got wasted. Here are the pictures to prove it.

Ha ha ha, of course he got wasted. Imagine how very little he had to work on these ladies? This looks like a night where you’d be filing your belly up with the ever-special rail drinks. And can we ask, what’s with the beret? And the Ecko wear? It’s almost enough to make me pleased that the Vikings kept Childress instead of Tomlin. Childress never wore something like that …

/cries.

//plans Childress assassination

Popularity: 1% [?]

Tags: Ben Roethlisberger, Jealousy is a bitch, Mike Tomlin, Pittsburgh Steelers, Swag level is high, Ugly women, White girls
Category Entertainment, Rumor |

The Morning After Pill: berstreet Edition.

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of yesterday’s sporting events.  Except lately it hasn’t been daily.  It’s only happened on my days.  Which means it’s been Monday/Wednesday-y.  So anyway.  Recaps t’is!

Good morning, kiddies!  It’s that time of the week again.  Except I’m a little late today, so it’s a good thing there’s a pill for that.  Shall we?

Amerikanische Fußball: The Vikings destroyed Seattle.  Destroyed = 35 teh’ 9.  D-E-S-T-R-O-Y-E-D.  So much so that they didn’t even need Favre after the 3rd quarter.  Even T-Jack threw a touchdown.  What do Percy Harvin, Visanthe Shiancoe, Bernard Berrian, Sidney Rice (x2) all have in common?  Other than being black, or playing for the Vikings at Mall of America Field vs. the pitiful Seattle Seahawks?  Give up?  They all scored touchdowns yesterday.  Noticeably absent from that list? Adrian Peterson.  Regardless, AP still surpassed 1,000 rushing yards yesterday, going three seasons strong.  And for all you Favrehards, it should be noted that he was at 88% yesterday – which I have to admit is quite stellar.  Fine.  I said it.  Seattle should probably stick to what it does best: acoustic guitar sets and Starbucks.  But the biggest news to come out of yesterday’s games, is the defeat of Pittsburgh by…wait for it…KANSAS CITY! Kansas City?  Yup.  I didn’t get to see any of this game, because I was busy being at an awesome one (the Vikings), but my analysis of the Box Score tells me the following: In Total Plays, Total Yards, and Possession, the Steel’ were twice as  good as KC.  However, they had twice as many penalties and 2 INTs to KC’s aught.  It also doesn’t help that The Rapistberger got his dome rocked and they had to put John Legend in to replace him.  So really, it’s all that guy’s fault and everyone should go egg his house.

NBA: So my Celts eked one out past the Knicks last night.  What?  The Knicks are the opposite of good.  And it went into OT!  The Celts were forced to rely on Paul Pierce the entire game, who scored a season-high 33 points.  For some reason (probably because they miss me so much), everyone else was having an off night.  KG was only 4 for 15 of FGs made/attempted, and Ray Allen was only 3 for 13; though Allen also put up 1 3-pointer (of 6 attempted, and 6 of 6 free throws.  Pierce was 9 for 17 in FGs, 6 for 7 in 3 pointers, and 9 for 10 in FTs.  Sheed, on the other hand, did absolutely nothing.  Except probably scare the piss out of people and pick imaginary bugs off himself.  I’m pretty sure he was only brought on for intimidation factor.  I’m going to start putting together my dream team, and it will most definitely include Ron Artest and Sheed.  Anyway, through some great strategizing by Pierce in OT, he was able to draw all the attention to himself and quickly lob the ball over to a wide-open KG who is so clutch he made the game winning shot.  See, kiddies?  Even if you’re having a tough day, just keep at it and you will succeed.  If you can dream it, you can be it!  There were a bunch of other games yesterday (Orlando v. Toronto, Indiana v. Charlotte, New Orleans v. Miami, Detroit v. Phoenix, and OK City v. Lakers), but they were all lopsided which = BO-RING.  It also means I don’t feel like recapping them right now, because I didn’t start working on this til this morning.

Fußball: I know nothing about Soccer other than David Beckham looks like this:

But I did also learn that the LA Galaxy fell to Real Salt Lake in the MLS Cup.  I also learned that it’s all Landon Donovan’s fault, because he’s a chump.  Donovan (who would be a lot cooler if he was this Donovan), completely blew a penalty kick.  Then Real from Mormon Country got totally pumped up and some guy named Robbie Russell (cool alliteration!) got the game-winning penalty shot, of which Donovan was probably the offender.  Because I said so.  If you’d like to read some more in-depth discussion from the world of the ball with all the little pentagons all over it, Avoiding the Drop can satiate your every desire.  A big HOLLA! goes out to @2Yellows over on twit.  :)

Happy Monday – if you’re on the East Coast your day is almost halfway over!  If you’re on the Dub-Cee, well…get your coffee brewing.

xoxo!

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Tags: Adrian Peterson, Avoiding the Drop, Bernard Berrian, Boston Celtics, david beckham, Kansas City Chiefs, Kevin Garnett, Minnesota Vikings, MLS Cup, NBA, New York Knicks, NFL, Paul Pierce, Percy Harvin, Pittsburgh Steelers, Ray Allen, Seattle Seahawks, Sheed, Sidney Rice, Visanthe Shiancoe
Category Morning After Pill |