OK everyone, settle down. Yes, this is a bad long awaited post from PJD, but I just had to share this with someone.
Three people are aware that I usually just write about Minnesota Vikings football over at Purple Jesus Diaries, and occasionally I share funny stories, sports humor, and swear words at this here blog. Mostly, I’ve shared things around college football. That is largely because I melt like a a stick of butter on your moms tits whenever I see anything related to college football. Gameday music? Erection. Marching bands playing school songs? Weak in the knees. Co-ed girls stripping and having threesomes? That is sometimes OK too.
As the college season ends, however, I get a little sad and really tend to grab on to things like the above posted video, which is of the University of Hawaii marching band CREATING A KICKER, AND THEN KICKING A FOOTBALL. I cannot stress enough how fantastic this is. The stick figure is true schtick (eh?!) and even the form is fantastic. His gallop towards the ball, the spreading of his arms as he kicks, the planting of the foot and extension and follow through with the ball … Damn. You ever see anything like this in the NFL? No! You just see roofs collapsing and quarterbacks committing suicide because they don’t know how to live without football. GAY. This, this is awesome.
Boomer Esiason is quite clearly known for one thing, and one thing only; having a first name synonymous with a fart. What, you never called farts “Boomers” in your household? Were your parents gay? Oh, I guess he played football for a while too, but it was with the Bengals back during the Civil War, so no one remembers or cares. All of this makes it even more suspicious why people are talking to him in this day and age. Recently, Fart-Man had this to say about the NFL’s most awesome team in recent history (The Jets, for you fat Colts fans):
CBS’ Boomer Esiason says the New York Jets have gained “the perception of a frat house gone wild,” and it “has to fall at the feet” of coach Rex Ryan. But Ryan, in a taped feature on NBC Sunday, told Bob Costas: “I’m not concerned about how I’m viewed.”
Hey, Boom-Boom, shut your fucking mouth. No one cares what you have to say about anything, ever, and you have the gall to get all huffy and puffy about the Jets shower pounding Ines Sainz, saying FUCK on TV like a real American, and using hilarious racial epithet’s when referring to the wet back Sanchez? Way to ruin everyone’s fun, you dildo queen. It’s open sores like you that ruin the NFL for everyone else, you and Tony Dungy burning gays at the stake. The sooner you all die from shattered knees, the better.
Boomer Esiason is now my least favorite player, ever. At least guys like Emmitt Smitch, Steve Young, and Keyshawn Johnson on TV have the decency to be black.
While I may simply be rehashing Purple Jesus Diaries stuff, I am doing so for a reason, that being because the people that read The Gally Blog – like yourself! – are way fucking funnier than those who read my site. So I’m counting on you, assholes! – PJD
Brett Favre is old. Really old. I mean, Brett Favre is so old, only the Nile River remembers his 20th birthday! :drumroll: … He’s also rickety, and when you put old and rickety together that’s not usually a very good combination. You usually end up with things like foreclosed homes, the Parthenon, or Sharon Stone’s vagina. BOOM ROASTED. Or you end up with things like Brett Favre’s ankle which, apparently after only two preseason games and a total of, what, 10 series, is already an issue for Favre. In the lofty writer Peter King’s most recent Monday Morning Quarterback column, he writes:
After his so-so eight series Saturday night on the hard floor of Mall of America Field …, Favre went into the trainers’ room in the Vikes’ locker room and got an injection of lubricant in the left ankle that has three times been operated on to remove loose bodies. “Like a grease fitting,” he said.
Noted orthopedist Dr. James Andrews did the most recent surgery May 22, with an interested party in the operating theater: Deanna Favre. “They took out a cup full of stuff — bone and all these other loose bodies,” Brett Favre said Saturday night.
A cup full of stuff. Re-read that and consider taking a cup full of stuff out of any place on your own body, let alone your ankle. That’s fucking sick. But that’s not all. Do you want to know what was in that cup that was full of random items from Brett Favre’s ankle? Of course you do. More details then after the jump …
The Big XII had a bit of a renaissance in 2009. Old powers rose again in Nebraska, rivalries were renewed in the South, and Colorado was reminded of their place by being a horrible, horrible football team. Just like they should be. In the offseason, the romantic winds of change blew up the conference’s skirt as it was looking to establish itself as perhaps the second most relevant NCAA football conference outside of the SEC. That is, until Missouri started flirting with the Big 10, Colorado ran to the Pac10, Nebraska ended up being the school to move to the Big 10, Texas threatened to leave for the west as well, and Texas A&M almost headed to SEC country. When all was said and done, the Big XII was left weak, with doubts about it’s future, and a clear center of power in Austin, Texas.
But this isn’t the place to discuss conference realignment. There is some real, genuine, college football that is starting up soon. There are crowds in Kansas that are prepping to wave their arms like a cornfield. There are people in Lubbuck who are curious about their new coach. There are fans in Norman looking forward to a rebirth of their team. And fans all across the Big XII are prepping for one last swan song, one final send off for Colorado and Nebraska before the Big XII as we know it dissolves. Will there be blood? Oh yeah. Buckets of it enough to satisfy a Twilight Mom. So let’s get this college football season started, with a Big XII preview.
This is an article about the current Minnesota Timberwolves General Manager, David Kahn. If you even peripherally follow the NBA, or masturbate to laminated pages of Bill Simmons’ self congratulatory books, than you have probably joined the rest of the major sports media in yelling “KAAAAHHHNNN!!!” and laughing about the Wolves signing Darko Milicic, drafting only PGs in 2009 and SFs in 2010, trading Al Jefferson low, and drafting a potentially franchise changing PG in Ricky Rubio, who OF COURSE will never come to a stupid place like Minnesota!
If you are that person, you’re also probably the same idiot that reads Rick Reilly religiously, really enjoys the new Transformer movies, thought Indian Jones 4 was the pinnacle of filmmaking, can’t wait for the next All-American Rejects album, think auto tuning is the greatest thing to happen to music ever, and cried when The Hills ended. In other words, you’re a complete moron who can’t think for yourself and I would like to tell you just how stupid and wrong you are. Because I obviously know better, you see.
Hello, new Big 10 family. It is quite enjoyable to be joining your ranks of academic excellence and storied NCAA sporting tradition. The Nebraska Cornhuskers and the entire University of Nebraska-Lincoln is excited to enter your conference on good terms and amiable handshakes. You have no idea what it’s like to go from a conference where other lesser schools and teams (Missouri, Kansas, etc.) cupped one larger university’s balls (Texas) while they performed yearly fellatio. Hey, I love a good cupping as much as the next guy, but it got a bit out of control. It doesn’t appear to be this way in the Big 10, which we respect and appreciate each other over fine brandy and tightly rolled cigars. People genuinely seem to get along. Except of course with Iowa. Fucking Iowa.
As a new school in the conference which brings a large fan base though, there may be some confusion as to who is who and how they match up with our previous opponents. So as a friendly introduction, The Gally Blog’s resident Nebraska fan that lives in Big 10 country will gladly assist in walking former Big 12 fans into the new Big 10, and draw similarities where similarities are due. Disagree? Add your take in the comments. But without further ado, let me bridge Nebraska fans from one conference to the next …
The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling. Today’s edition has been crafted by PJD, which means that it’s full of self important bullshit and self congratulatory Nebraska masturbation. That’s how we (I) roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com
First, some people seem to be a little upset about Nebraska (still allegedly) joining the Big 10. While an official announcement of the move is expected today, all I can say is “You mad”. You don’t like getting fisted, don’t come to a gang bang with a number 2 pencil. Just sayin’. On to the recaps.
NBA: That mildly looking retarded fellow in the front of that picture being draped by Gary Coleman’s son is Glen “Big Baby” Davis. I hope he dies in a vat of lard. However, he played quite the game of an idiot savant Thursday night as his 18 points (nine in the fourth quarter) helped the Boston Celtics even the NBA Finals series with the Lakers at 2-2. Also, it appears that things started getting pretty chippy between the two teams with some awesome fouls being made throughout the game, and I think it was Farmar who almost lost his head. YES. AWESOME. I hope the rest of the series is this violent.
NCAA Football: Oh boy. College football has turned out to be spectacular in June. With the flurry of rumor this week about Nebraska all but being the newest member of the Big 110 (that was originally a typo, but I decide to keep it), fellow Big XII North school and notable worst fans in the entire country, Colorado Buffaloes, officially announced their removal from the Big XII to become the newest member of the Pac10. Cool! So now you’ll become like Baylor in this new conference. What a terrible school. Also, I noticed my pants getting aroused last afternoon and realized it was because USC got popped straight in the toofs by the NCAA because they’re cheaters and bad people. On top of losing scholarships and other self imposed sanctions to other school sports, USC also lost one of their recent Championships (WOO!) and can’t go bowling for two straight years (BOOYA!). Couldn’t happen to a better school. Luckily, USC fans are notoriously blasé about their team, so I’m sure no one there has even noticed yet.
MLB: There were a couple of good baseball games out last night, if you’re into that type of boring shit. Someone, the horrible team in the Oriels squeaked out a winrar against the Yankees, 4-3. The shitastic Cleveland team beat the Red Sox 8-7 as well. Even the lowly Royals beat my hometown Twins 9-8 in quite the nail biter. I’d be lying to you if I said I watched ANY of those games though. LOL! Also, this doesn’t have much to do with anything, but I saw that the new Marlins stadium that they’re building is going to have an aquarium as the backstop behind home plate, full of live fish and everything. WHAT! THAT IS FUCKING AWESOME. Good for you, forgettable Florida team.
NFL: Benetration has admitted that his actions which have led to, oh, a couple of sexual allegations were immature. /wanking motion followed by a back hand.
The world was aflame in anarchy and Samson like agony the last few weeks as everyone’s favorite mulleted hero apparently trimmed his strengths off for his nuptials. Yes, it was reported widely that Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen cut his mullet off and seemingly there was photographic evidence to prove it. But as we’ve learned with such things as Helicopter Shark, not everything you see on the internet is as it appears. PJD was able to obtain an exclusive interview with The Mullet itself and talk about it’s alleged disappearance and summer plans …
PJD: Mullet, thank you so much for sitting down with me. I know you’ve had a tough couple of weeks here. You made a brief appearance on The Gally Blog last week, sharing words of fire and anger that really seemed to hint towards a bitter divorce with Jared Allen, but what can you tell us about what really happened?
Mullet: … Am I seriously talking with some bowl cut looking pig fucker right now? Where the real reporters, or at least that Vikings Gab set of tits, Laylay Onamie or whatever her name is? I gotta talk with you? This is some shit. Ok, listen pasty face, yes, Jared and I had a pretty nasty public divorce, but a lot of it was misguided. He pulled me aside after our initial shaving and had some very interesting plans for me, something your hairless donkey ass probably wouldn’t understand.
PJD: Fair enough. I haven’t shaven in seven days and do have nary a shade of tuft on my cheeks. But perhaps our readers would be interested in your back story. Plans you say, what plans?
At least I'll always have my tiny red hat in Paris ...
Oh. I, uh, didn’t know we were actually going to do this. So on The Gally Blog’s first year anniversary I guess we are reintroducing, or finally introducing, the genteel lads who make the eye rolling and gag inducing jokes around here. We’ve already had the beefcakes from these parts post their whore pictures up, so let’s get to the old men now. My moniker is PJD, but I have been referred to by several other things on this here internets including PJDiaries, Purple Jesus Diaries, PJ, wardaddywills, and “that hack blogger that only writes about the Vikings.” Sadly, that’s mostly true.
In an unspecified game in Seattle last week, aging baby face Ken Griffey, Jr., aka, The Kid, aka, my favorite baseball player ever, missed out on an opportunity to pinch hit because he went back into the club house during the game and ended up taking a little nap. No, not passing out like “thanks for letting me inside of you, I’m going to sleep now” passing out, but more like “my god, my bones feel like it’s going to rain, I’m taking a nap” passing out. Hey, he’s getting old now, lay off.
I find this story humorous for many reasons. First is the fact that it is even reported. Second is I’m not quite sure what is going to happen to Griffey, because if this was reported to get him in trouble I’m going to be PISSED. The Mariners suck salmon eggs this season, and it’s got to be hard for an old timey slugger to watch a team lose like he is doing. True, he swims in money during his workouts, but he’s also a genuinely good person, so him having more money than I could ever kill for doesn’t bother me. And look on the bright side; at least he’s not getting involved in rape stings!
This got me thinking though, what other signs of aging must my favorite ball player have, indicating his reverse Benjamin Button? I have some ideas after the jump (of course) …