"At Least I'm Not Chad Ochocinco, Dude is gonna get beat up by Merriman..."
It has been a long,hard 11 months for an exceptional athlete in the NFL and his name isn’t Michael Vick or Donte Stallworth. Arguably, the most talented of the three NFL’ers has finally been sent “up the river” today in front of his father and 2 year old son, Eli. I’m hearing the child is not named after dopey, aw-shucks QB, Elisha Manning but many are speculating as to otherwise. Plaxico has been sentenced to 2 years in prison which can be considered 20 months on good behavior. 20 months in a prison, for shooting himself in the leg, is insanity. He was made an example by NY Courts and the Mayor which isn’t fair to him or his family. Pity party over.
Burress’ punishment is a little too strict for the crime. First, it is almost an identical sentence that Michael Vick got for owning, funding and operating a dog fighting ring for 6 years. Secondly, it’s 36.5 times harsher than the punishment that Donte Stallworth received for killing a man in a DWI manslaughter case. So this is by far the harshest punishment for the weakest crime. Besides, it was an expired license for the gun. It’s not like anybody actually thought he just threw it out after the registration expired.
And after a full day of news about Plaxico Burress heading to Reicher’s Island, many are forgetting about the impact that he is having on OTHER people. Burress has added to the recession by letting his clothing line “Celibate LLC” go bankrupt in his absence. The company had to lay off 30,000 workers today. Many of which were actually white people. This is leading many to believe as to why Burress was given such a strict penalty from the liberal minded state. When asked as to why his company was named “Celibate”, Burress said “..because I don’t give a fuck!” As it has been said on the record by Under Armour INC. “Celibate was at an all time high after the Giants’ Super Bowl win but dipped ever since the legal trouble”. They feel that the sentencing was also a reaction to the 30,000 laid off WASPs in the Midwest that were jobless, thanks to Celibate Industries.
Experts from the BPDBB (Busy People Doing Business Bureau) released a statement saying: “The courts were trying to deter athletes from carrying unlicensed guns with them to nightclubs, but when put in perspective, they simply deterred consumers from purchasing faulty sweatpants”. This is when the BPDBB conducted a study at retail outlets in which Celibate clothing was sold to ask consumers what the problem was: “It’s just that since he had the malfunction,” one man said, “I just don’t think he can protect this house…” His wife added: “The house he is in now, well, it’s just way too big to protect.”
Another man who wished to not be identified but will be anyway said “Dese sweatpants used ta be mah fav. for holdin’ a bunch of $1 bills so I could throw it at a bitch but now, if it ain’t gonna hold my piece and it goin’ to shoot mah leg, it ain’t worff it. Ya heard?” Pac Man Jones went on to say: “It just ain’t right for them to lock up Plax. He ain’t even kill nobody like other people in dis room. Na mean?”
Weclome Gallions. That’s your name. The readers. Sorry for my lack of action. I was busy working yesterday than I went to Governor’s Comedy Club to see that retarded genius Rich Vos with Tim Gage opening for him. Amazing. His best joke was about how he is fucking his hot wife, Bonnie McFarlane, with her period and he pretends he is killing her. He also did a 10 minute skit on how he’d fight anyone in a wheelchair or has one arm. Saying he would punch the wheelchair person in the back of the head and then run around them and punch them in the back of the head while they are spinning around in circles trying to catch up. Then he’d run up a hill and by the time the wheelchair man got to him he’d punch them in the back of the head and wheel them down the hill. People in the Audience in Wheelchairs: 4.
Ok, I digress. I didn’t know what I was going to get around to today because of my hangover, a block party and then UFC tonight. Me and Gimp will be simultaneously jerking off from 600 miles away when Nate Marquardt powerbombs someone again. The hot little blond from Abercrombie and Fitch’s block party was canceled and now you have this post. Oh shit. Hey Gally? Can you tell if my girlfriend is a reader?
The countdown to prison is on for former NFL wide receiver and sweat pant wearing, club goer Plaxico Burress. On September 22nd Burress will be sentenced to prison and my guess is he’s starting to get a little nervous. Why would he, though? He’s only entering a land where shower rape and prisoner stabbings reign supreme. Sounds like Disneyland for felons. He can look at this as the perfect time to kick back, relax and further heal his leg. I guess that’s not enough sound piece of mind for Burress as he’s gone out and hired a prison consultant.
Plaxico Burress’ lawyer says a prison consultant is preparing the former Super Bowl star for life behind bars.
That doesn’t sound very gangsta. Then again either does having your gun, that’s tucked away in your sweat pants, accidentally goes off, ultimately taking a chunk out of your leg. Then again I’m not an OG.
Benjamin Brafman told the New York Post that the ex-New York Giants wide receiver is getting advice on “how to use his period of confinement as productively as possible.”
I hope this consultant is teaching Plax practical stuff. Like not just how to shank a fellow inmate, but the best ways to transport a shank around the prison. Let’s face it, those prison jumpsuits are a one piece. They can’t offer the security and stability that Plaxico has come to expect from the elastic band in sweat pants. It would look really bad on his part if his shank, that he fashioned out of a toothbrush, accidentally fell out of his jumpsuit and shanked his own leg. Talk about embarrassing.
But the most important thing this prison consultant can teach Burress is how not to get anally raped. Because if the animated show “The Boondocks” has taught me anything at all it’s that black men fear being anally raped. I know I do and I’m not even black (NSFWish video from “The Boondocks” below).
In prison being a “wide receiver” has a totally different meaning…
Well it seems that former New York Giants’ wide receiver and 2nd Amendment supporter Plaxico Burress will not be playing football anytime soon. Plaxico instead will be heading down the path toward salvation and rehabilitation, much like Michael Vick and Donte Stallworth before him. The kind of salvation and rehabilitation that can only come from being confined in an 8 by 8 cell, fighting for your life on a daily basis, and making sure to never ever drop the soap. Yep, prison baby.
Burress pleaded guilty to criminal possession of a weapon, but that’s really only because there is no legal charge against someone for accidentally shooting themselves. However, you can be labeled a dumbass, become a possible recipient of a Darwin Award, and in Plaxico’s case get two years in prison.
Don’t inmates tend to like guys with a lankier build? His cellmate is going to love him.
Let’s face it folks the only thing Plaxico Burress is guilty of here is wearing sweat pants in a club. I mean how the hell did he even get in to the club in the first place. If the bouncer was properly doing his job this whole fiasco would have been totally avoided.
In my opinion the only positive out of this whole going to jail and having other men force themselves on you situation is for Burress to possibly parlay his prison stint in to HBO’s next season of Hard Knocks. Think about it people. It would be perfect. Guest appearances could include NFL athletes like Donte Stallworth and Chad Johnson Ochocinco coming to the prison to keep Burress’ morale up. Maybe Michael Vick and Tony Dungy could even stop in to give an inspirational talk. There could even be an episode where he gets shanked in the cafeteria. That would be some drama. I’m just saying.
In prison being a “wide receiver” has a totally different meaning…
