Please. No press. Real bloggers don't post pictures of themselves..
Host: Welcome! Welcome one and all. We haven’t had an interview with our pseudo-celebrity guest, Logic…(sigh) in a while so let’s have at it, I guess?
Logic: (rips line of oxycontin, turns to host) Well, hello beautiful. Let’s get this show on the road. What am I fielding questions about? Your mother and her rounds at the adult shop glory holes? She doesn’t think we can see her…but we can. (pulls out Four Loko)
Host: God dammit, behave yourself. Put the coffee beer away, will ya? Now let’s see if we can get some questions for you on the NFL season thus far. (to media) Okay, so any questions involving the 2010 season, Logic will answer. Don’t forget to razz the old bean on being a Giants fan! HURRR
Logic: (pushes host’s face, points to interviewer)
Interviewer 1: Who do you feel is the strongest candidate for the MVP this season? Tom Brady?
Welcome back, sports-fans. The Using Logic Hotline is still open 24 hours a day at HatedHero11@Gmail.com or @Hbomb47 and this is where I can help you out with any issues in which you are stuck and don’t know what to do. Normally we like to keep it sports related. Other times it can be sexy. Whatever your little heart desires. I’m not picky, especially when I’m drunk. I’ve even fisted your sister. That’s right. Sister Fister, they call me.
Welcome back, sports-fans. The Using Logic Hotline is still open 24 hours a day at HatedHero11@gmail.com or @Hbomb47 and this is where I can help you out with any issues in which you are stuck and don’t know what to do. Normally we like to keep it sports related. Other times it can be sexy. Whatever your little heart desires. I’m not picky. I’ve fucked a fat ginger before. I swear. Actually it was on the beach and I gave her the Screamin’ Seagull. No lies.
Now, let me get into the email I received (letter in italics, Logic in bold)
Once again, I’ve been emailed by a Logician with an important story that needs to be addressed. This particular issue has weighed heavy on my heart and I tried laying it to the side but it was again brought to my attention and therefor, it cannot be ignored. Not to mention I’m in a bad mood and going to let some one have it. As always, my email address is HatedHero11@gmail.com if you have any tips or submissions. Here’s the letter in its entirety in italics, followed by my response in bold:
Dear Logic (or should I say “Greenman” LOLz!),
Hello and thank you for fielding my letter. This is very important. I’m sorry to interrupt your hectic sports month with the Yankees being in the World Series and all…I think it’s very cool that you take the time out to answer all your fan mail from us Logicians!
Now, to get to my question. I’ve noticed that there is this big “pandemic” lately, something called “swine flu”? I guess. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m not a sinner and I wouldn’t get sick like that because God loves me. I don’t know what type of evil these people have in their bodies but it is obviously very strong if something minuscule like “the flu” will kill them! Am I right? I know what you’re thinking, Logic (Ed. Note: Trust me. You have no idea). I’m not a bad person. You, your the bad person. I just need help on this issue because seeing it (and laughing)makes me think that I’m being a bad person. Anyway, here’s the video:
Now Logic, I have a few questions:
Is it bad to say that I would still have sex with her?
Is she still a good cheerleader?
Is it worth it just to die with the flu?
That black reporter seemed smug. Well, I guess that’s not a question.
What’s amazing about this? Does she recover? They just show her struggle.
Logic, I have many more. But I understand that your time is money and the Yankees got Sabathia on the bump. So, please get back to me whenever you get a chance.
First off, that is a truly despicable pen-name for this situation. I commend you.
I’m in no mood for any of this garbage. I’ve been having a bad few weeks because despite the Yankees in the World Series, I truly only care about Football and Notre Dame has no shot at a big bowl game. As well as the Giants losing 3 weeks in a row. I also have some personal issues that I won’t bore you with. (crowd cheers) Oh, real mature. You guys are about as cool as a bag of dicks.
Now, to get to your letter…I don’t think it is mean of you to say that you would still sex her down (Ed. Note: syndrome that is! Wakka Wakka Wakka!). I’m sure she would actually appreciate the compliment. You know her husband hasn’t given her any since she turned into a mongoloid. That guy is probably thinking about the raw deal he got. “Wow, I can’t believe I married such a hot woman who aspires to be a professional football cheerleader! What a lucky guy I am” is what I imagine he said on his wedding day. And then he cheated on her once and POW! Now he has medical bills and drooling to deal with. As for your second question, I would think that she is a bad cheerleader. She can barely gum mashed potatoes without passing out, what makes you think she can do a cartwheel? Even though she does look like she could do a cool little dance if she wanted to. Speaking of which:
I would imagine that dying of swine flu would have been a crueler fate because look, now she is being parodied on the internet and people are wondering if this is “karma” for when she made fun of the uncool kids in High School. I wish people that judge your entire life based on high school would get a disease worse than this. Something where they shit themselves a lot. Because then they’d get made fun of. That is true karma. And yes, that black reporter seemed like a smug jerkoff that likes white girls.
And lastly, I would argue that there is NOTHING amazing about this story. At all. It just seems like news media was just using her as something to scare people away from the flu shot. It’s sad. It’s sad that it happened to a fine piece of ass like that. If it happened to Clint Howard? Who cares. He probably walks around like that anyway. Or at least like Smiegel from Lord of the Rings.
Hurrr Hurrr I'm Clint Howard
But let’s be realistic. Cheerleaders are supposed to look like this:
And that broad does not look like this anymore. I think that Swine Flu is going to help our society in the long run, because since no one is working on my idea to re-animate Charles Darwin and give him a Gattling Gun so we need something to take out the assholes and retards of the universe to create a stronger race of humans. Kind of like a sidekick to colon cancer. We are the highest on the food chain, but what happens when the dinosaurs come back? Huh? Then what are you going to do, mister?
Once again, I’ve been emailed by a Logician with an important story that needs to be addressed. I was actually emailed last week, but I already did my Using Logic segment for the week at that time. Like I said, I’ll get around to everybody! Even you, Braylon Edwards. Remember, hands are for catching not throwing. As always, my email address is HatedHero11@gmail.com if you have any tips or submissions. Here’s the letter in its entirety:
Hello and thank you for fielding my letter. I can tell you are busy with douche bags who don’t enjoy your work, but I need help. I’m so distraught I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been complaining about having an extra toe all of my life and now I see this: 8 days ago it was reported on ESPN.com that a golfer who is missing a legis going to tee off for the Champions Tour in 2010. I’ve never felt worse in my entire life. I’m complaining about having extra body parts that don’t affect my life and this guy is missing body parts that detract from his career.
But that is beside the point. For this man to play in this tournament, he is going to need some sort of help to stand and I think this will give him a distinct advantage over other players that are participating. Am I being insensitive for trying to keep sports on a level playing field? I’ve already sent a letter to Bud Selig saying that steroid users should be castrated. Please help!
There are many dangerous components to being a football player. Your body can get hurt in a lot of different and unique ways. Such as the case with Stafon Johnson, Running Back for USC. Apparently he was lifting weights and dropped the barbell on his throat which crushed his larynx. Being the savvy sports reporter that I am, I was able to have access to chloroform the hospital he is recovering at and grab him for an interview for a few minutes:
Logic: Hello Stafon, how are you doing this evening?
Ok this is a brand new segment of our blog, mostly because no one has ever asked me a question before. Other than: “Can you stop being an asshole?” Well the answer to that is “No.” However, if you need help with anything please use the comment section or email me at HatedHero11@Gmail.com and I will respond to the best of my knowledge, especially if I know nothing of the topic in which I’ll go through it logically. Ba-dump-bump.
I’ll start off by reciting the email.
First off, long time reader, first time writer. Secondly, I know you’re probably busy being a highly touted sports blogger and all, but have you seen this dishonorable act in Kansas City? My kid was forced to let this 5’3”, 110 lb. mongoloid score a touchdown! It’s ridiculous. I just can’t believe that coaches would create a situation under a ruse and allow it to affect the official score! That’s what scrimmages are for, God Damn it! This is despicable. I am outraged. My son’s team was going to shut out their biggest rival 49-0 and all of a sudden some windowlicking waterhead is running by normal kids who might catch retard from him.
Coach McEnaney should be booted from football altogether! Letting Down’s patients in football? What’s next? Are we going to let the Jews in Church? No! Not on my watch! That’s a holy place, for Pete’s sake. The worst part of it all, is that my son’s team was posting a shut out! Is nothing sacred? That’s like pitching a perfect game and then the manager on the other team put’s in some kid with retarded fish-frog genes and gets a walk. Are you going to ruin it for that kid? Of course not! So why create some imaginary situation and alter a score of a game? It’s dishonorable, that’s what it is. It’s like slapping in the face to Derrick Thomas right in his face.
Just because his parents sinned and created some demonseed with a drooling problem doesn’t mean my kid shouldn’t be aloud to pad his stats and cause a fumble! I vow to never bet on high school football again after this. You have my word, Logic. Never again. The Under was set at 54! And I lost…
Well, thanks for taking the time to read my letter. I was curious of your thoughts on this pressing matter. Should I send a letter to my congressman? Big fan.
Special Needs Dad
Dear Special Needs,
I don’t know what the hell you were thinking about sending me this link. Honestly. You know it’s too cringe-worthy to stay away but I’m trying to shape up before Gally canes me again. He just hired an enforcer. A 6’3” woman who roller derbies or something. I don’t know, haven’t paid much attention. I hate you, Special Needs.
That was like visual pollution. I don’t know what’s faker, the defense’s effort or the cheering from the stands. Good for little Ziesel, it’ll be the highlight of his life and he’ll tell everyone else the rest of his life how he scored a touchdown in high school. Way to go, Kansas City. You know how many high fives people are going to HAVE to give this kid and then immediately wash their hands? What the eff is wrong with you? The Waterboywas a movie! You don’t put mongoloids special needs children on the football field! They can get hurt. And if you really want the kid to be happy, why not let him do well on his own athletic talent like the autistic kid who drained the 3 pointers in basketball. Or the other option, NOT LET HANDICAPPED KIDS PLAY SPORTS.
Well, I hope that answered all your questions. Thanks for the letter.
Everyone knows that Eric Mangini is the smartest man alive. It’s almost silly to compare him to any president that we’ve ever had as a country. The correct way to size up Mangini is to compare him to Hitler. Now before I get someone to explode on me like I’m Jenna Jameson (Ed. Note: fuck, now it might be Tito Ortiz) let me get into the similarities between mein fuhrer and Eric Mangini.