The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the previous day’s sporting events. Some teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring…and pure laziness. Baseball is over, right? Thank god.
Obligatory shout out to Logic and the New York Yankees time. Sigh.
The baseball season came to anticlimactic end the other night as the Assholes of New York were able to deliver the coup de grace to the Assholes of Philadelphia. And one person here at the Gally Blog couldn’t be any happier. Of course I’m speaking of Baby Logic.
Sup you fuckin' fucks?
No that’s not the smell of dirty diaper, that’s the smell of victory – 0r the New York subway system…
College Football
Last night’s slate of games included Eastern Michigan at Northern Illinois, Miami of Ohio at Temple, and Virginia Tech at East Carolina. So in all actuality it was like no college football really took place last night. But in case you are curious about the scores or you need to be prepared in case a giant Italian bookie by the name of Stevie comes looking for you they are as follows:
Miami (OH) 32 Temple 34 – Temple brings their record to 7-2, proving that the Big East’s bottom feeder is king of the castle in the MAC.
Eastern Michigan 6 Northern Illinois 50 – Eastern Michigan at 0-9 has to be the worst team in college football right now. Close on their heels? Western Kentucky, New Mexico and Rice at 0-8. That’s a whole lotta suck right there.
Virginia Tech 16 East Carolina 3 – Due to Lou Holtz announcing this game I couldn’t watch strictly out of principle. If I wanted to here dementia riddled ramblings for 3 hours I would go visit one my grandparents down at the nursing home.
Ok we are basically at the mid point of our Football Season which means we are more than halfway done with the Fantasy Football Season. I decided that I’m bored with just reprinting all the Top Performers and making fun of our league members that I talk to over the internet every single night yet they don’t change rosters for Bye weeks and what not. I’m going to take the top earners of the 8 weeks and you can compare with how you drafted and hopefully kill yourself. Actually, don’t kill yourself yet. Set up one of these birds on your mouse so that it keeps clicking “refresh” and then kill yourself:
Your Parents Don't Even Love You
And please, before your inner taintstain comes out, realize that I don’t make the point scoring system for Yahoo and I’m not the commissioner of my league. I just click the sort button on “Fantasy Points” and write dick jokes. Don’t act like that’s not impressive! What do you do? Yeah. Sit there and eat Cheetos. You sow.
So over the last few weeks I’ve been posting the NCAAF AP Poll, along with a few of my own “insights” – which is basically my way of saying smartass comments. I’ll be doing something a little different this week as I discuss a few things that stood out to me this past weekend in the world of college football. Why, you might ask? Well for one, it was hard to come up with dick-headed comments for every team in the top 25. Two, they weren’t really that funny. Let us begin.
Oklahoma-Miami
Great win for the ‘Canes. Sure they got off to a rough start, but they were able to settle down and get the win. Oklahoma came out extremely explosive, but soon fizzled out. People are going to no doubt be talking shit about this victory. “Oklahoma didn’t have Sam Bradford.” Blah blah blah.
I'm not sure how you go from 70s p-star stache to Yosemite Sam stache.
Landry Jones did not hurt his team in the slightest. Sure his mustache is an eyesore that makes even a 70′s pornstar say, “Bro, you definitely need to shave,” but he didn’t do anything to overtly hurt the team.
Yes Miami won, but let’s not get carried away with, “THE U IS BACK.” Being “back” doesn’t involve your team not winning their Conference. Barring an act of God, the Hokies will win the ACC Coastal, and probably the entire ACC. With that said, Miami is on the right path to redemption, but can we stop with all the U is back and UM swag shit? You’re making the non-douchey ‘Canes fans, like myself, look bad. I don’t need anymore negative publicity than the kind I already garner.
Florida Gators/Tim Tebow
The Gators had a bye this week and got about as much press as they would had they actually been playing. Of course, this is all centered around Tim Tebow Christ and his biblical-sized concussion. Tebow is going to play, no doubt. The kid has heart. Maybe not much in the way of brains, especially after he got partially lobotomized, but a fuckton of heart. Look for Tebow to play with the type of vengeance that hasn’t been seen since the flooding of Earth and the smiting of Sodom and Gamora in the Bible. /sigh. Bible references and Tim Tebow go together like sex and money. Wait, you don’t pay for your sex?
Random Crap
Iowa proved they only play really well against ranked opponents, eking out a craptastic win over Arkansas State 24-21…Gene Chiznik and the Auburn Tigers are now 5-0 and are in contention for the SEC Championship. A sentence I thought I would never hear…Bobby Bowden appears to be one step closer to collecting a Social Security check after each week…USF is now ranked in the top 25 and giving false hope to all the other non-UF, FSU, and UM football teams in Florida…Still surprised no one has started a Joe Paterno Twitter page. Looking at you Style Points…(Game)Cocks penetrate top 25…The only way Tebow isn’t playing this weekend is if he is nailed down to a couple of 2 x 4s….
Time for your daily pill. Whore. I mean come on you keep having them day after day, that’s gotta mean something.
MLB: Remember last week when Brad Penny sucked enough that the Red Sox waived him? Well now that he’s down in the minor leagues, the NL, he got good again. He pitched 8 shutout innings in his debut for the Giants as they beat the Phillies 4-0. Chris Carpenter didn’t play his best, but it was good enough to get his 10th straight win as the Cards beat the Brewers 10-3. CC Sabathia won his AL leading 16th game and lover of manly women and himself, A-Rod, got his 2500th career hit as the Yanks beat the Orioles 10-2.
NFL: Saturday is the day teams have to cut their rosters down to 53 people. The Eagles expect that Herr Goodell will make his decision and rule on when Michael Vick will be reinstated by then. It makes sense that he wouldn’t be a dick and would actually give them the ruling. If he doesn’t, Vick would likely have to be put on the Exempt list and therefore would not be allowed to practice until taken off the Exempt list. It’s expected that he will be allowed to play in the week 3 matchup against the Chiefs. But hey what’s expected to happen and what does happen are two different things. After all the news that Pacman Jones would be joining the Blue Bombers of the CFL, it’s no longer happening.
NBA: More bad news for you Minnesotans. Ricky Rubio, while still commited to the NBA, has declined the Timberwolves latest offer saying that it would be too risky for him and complicate his life too much. He did, as expected transfer clubs as his former club received the $5M buyout from his new club.
NHL: RIM CEO and Canadian Billionaire, Jim Balsille, says that he would be willing to play half of the upcoming years home games in Hamilton and half in Phoenix if that would help him in his plan to move the Coyotes out of Phoenix.
US Open, Mens: Nadal returned to Grand Slam action after skipping Wimbledon with wonky knees. He looked solid, and says his knees feel great, but there could still be some rust. Marat Safin was defeated in his farewell tour as he plans on retiring at years end. Federer was Federer. He stretched his US. Open win streak to 36 matches as he tries to become the first man since Bill Tilden in the 20′s to win the Open 6 times in a row.
US Open, Women: Venus and Serena Williams, as well as former number 1 Kim Clijsters advanced. I don’t really have anything else to say about it since Sharapova wasn’t playing. Maybe I’ll care more at the Finals.
Again the world of sports sometimes blows my mind.
MLB: The Toronto Blue Jays beat the Texas Rangers 18-12 on a 7 run 9th inning. The hero of the night was Jays DH Adam Lind. He went 3-5 with 8 RBI and one Grand Slam.
As everybody knows, the Dodgers continued the bizaare hey let’s make a trade after the trade deadline that only happens in MLB. Sure they picked up Jim Thome, but in a odd circumstance they picked up pitcher Jon Garland. Garland plays for the Arizona Diamondbacks, who were playing the Dodgers. They announced the trade during the game, so he literally had to leave the one dugout and go to the other. What the hell.
NHL: The NHLPA fired their Director Paul Kelly. He was essentially fired for being too open with the media. The last guy was pushed out essentially because he didn’t give enough to the media.
NFL: BRETT FAVRE! BREEETT FARVE! BRIT FARR! He’s back. He played the whole first half and played pretty well. I could play well handing off to Purple Jesus. You can’t stop Purple Jesus, No One Denies This! Well at least the Texans couldn’t, he busted off a 75 yard run for TD on the first play of the day.
UFC 102 aired last night from the hippie capitol of the world Portland, Oregon. Where hackey sack and organic foods are the way of the land. Overall the show was pretty solid. And yes my picks sucked. I, patiently await my razzing from Logic, which I know is coming.
The results are as follows.
Brandon Vera defeated Krzysztof Soszynski by way of boring split decision. This was by far the worst fight on the card. I’ve seen snuff films with more exciting endings. Note to Soszynski, work on your stand up dick!
Nate Marquardt defeated Demian Maia by first round face rearrangement (ie knockout). World class BJJ doesn’t mean shit when you stand with an opponent who punches you square in the face. Boxing 1, world class BJJ 0.
I got your Ju Jitsu right here! /grabs crotch
Jake Rosholt submitted Chris Leben with a arm triangle 1:30 into the 3rd round. After the submission was released Leben did his best impression of a guy having a seizure. It was spot on. But I can’t tell if the convulsion was from a lack of oxygen or because he shit himself. Probably a combination of the two.
Thiago Silva defeated Keith Jardine by knockout at 1:35 into the 1st round.
Oh yeah!!! That makes the pain of getting knocked out so much more manageable.
Keith Jardine and his wizard goatee couldn’t get the job done. Well actually he barely even got the job started. I especially liked the part where after the ref stopped the fight Jardine looked at him like, “What? Why’d you stop it? Me going limp had nothing to do with me being knocked out. It was all part of my plan.”
Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira defeated Randy Couture by unanimous decision. One hell of a fight. The 46 year old Couture can still go, and with news of his new contract, he’s going to be around for a little bit longer. He’s almost like Brett Favre, but way more likable. Plus if he does reach the realm of douchedom that Favre has achieved, you will actually be able to see him get punched in the face, whereas we can only hope and dream that it happens to Favre.
Last night had quite the collection of events in the sporting world.
NFL:
As most of you guys/girls know, last night was Michael Vick’s triumphant return to the NFL. He barely got booed, and performed quite well in his time on field. He completed four of four passes for 19 yards, and ran once for 1 yard. A new hope? I’ll say. That Donovan guy kind of sucks anyways.
The Dolphins of Miami played the Buccaneers of Tampa. It was an exciting game that was won by the Dolphins 10-6.(/dismissive wanking) New Buc’s quarterback, Byron Leftwich almost played well, as he threw 9-17 for 100 yards. The shining star of the show clearly was Rookie Buc’s Quarterback Josh Freeman. He threw 6-16 for 50 yards. All I want to know is, is will he be available for me to choose with my first pick in Fantasy Football.
The Bungles played the Rams last night as well. The Rams won the game 24-21 but the star of the game was Carson Palmer. He completed an amazing 83% of his passes as he finished with 1 TD, 1 INT and 102 yards. He was 5 of 6.
Others:
There was the usual slate of MLB games this weekend, but really who give’s a shit.
The Canadian Men’s Hockey Olympic team practiced in Calgary
The Champions League draw occured today. My boys, the Blues of Chelsea were drawn in the D group with FC Porto and two other teams that they will destroy. Porto won the Portuguese league last year, so they should provide a challenge. They also have a player that goes by the name of HULK. How can you not be a little intimidated by a guy who actually goes by the name Hulk?
Well hello there. I guess when I said that there would be a delay in updates yesterday, what I really meant was, “I’m going to take the day off”.
So here’s what happened yesterday, a recap if you would.
European U21 Championships:Italy and Serbia tied 0-0, in a strongish performance by the Italians, and Sweden trounced Belarus 5-1 in a come from behind win.
Jays vs. Phillies:The Jays snapped a 4 game losing streak, when they scored 5 runs in the tenth inning.
A’s vs. Dodgers>/strong>:The Dodgers won in 10 on Matt Kemp’s walkoff single.
Royals vs. Diamondbacks:Gil Meche pitched a 4 hit shutout to lead Kansas over Arizona 5-0
Rangers vs. Astros: Pudge Rodgriguez tied Carlton Fisk’s record for most games played as a Catcher at 2,226. The 13 time all star homered in the 5th, which was the Astros only run in a 6-1 loss.
Mariners vs. Padres:Felix Hernandez pitched a two hit shutout as the M’s won 5-0. King Felix has gone 3-0 with a 0.72ERA in his last 5 starts.
Well the weekend is over so it’s time for an… update? I hope I don’t get sued for using that generic phrase, although I’m more likely to be sued for the non generic image I used.
Lakers Win: So much for all that stuff we’ve been hearing about Kobe not being good at baseball basketball. I always get those two mixed up. He only has to win two more to match that MJ character, of course I mean Jordan not Jackson(Dick Joke removed due to Iran). Cheers to LA for it’s 15th*championship. Penguins win: The Penguins of Pittsburgh won their 3d NHL Title, after defeating the Detroit Red Wings in game 7 in Detroit 2-1. They survived a late game surge to have Sidney Crosby become the youngest player to captain his team to the title. I will have more on this in a later post Raul Ibanez: The 37 year old, who had never hit more than 33 HR in a season before, added his 22′d this weekend in his 60th game. That puts him on pace for a measly 59HR and 159 RBI this season. Not bad for a journeyman outfielder. I thought MLB tested for this stuff only Brett Favre could compete at a miraculous pace at sports retirement age. Nicklas Lidstrom: So it appears there may be a reason he wasn’t at his peak in the finals/missed games in the conference finals.. He had testicular surgery. YEAH. If that’s me, I’m probably not skating any time soon. It appears we have an early appearance for manly (sports)man of the year.
*They won 4 in Minnesota before moving to LA….cheaters
