The Morning After Pill

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of the goings on in the sporting world. Certain teams and sports are left out due to either lack of caring or an extreme hangover. Maybe a weak hangover also, we’re kind of soft like that.

NFL: Well of course it happened this way. I had real live actual money on the Jags beating the banged up Seahawks, and I was sure it was a brilliant idea. Sure they were small underdogs on the money line, but they came into the game on an impressive performance and the Hawks came into the game off a whuppin. That and they were really banged up, but Matt Hasselbeck returned proved that he is a real QB or something. The Hawks cruised to a 41-0 win as Hasselbeck threw for 4 TD’s. Tony Romo wasn’t as confused as he was last week when he didn’t realize he was on fourth down. This week he realized that he was in fact playing in the fifth, or overtime, quarter of the game versus the Kansas City Chiefs. The Chiefs stormed out to a big lead before allowing Dallas back into the game. Kansas City stormed back with a late TD, but wimped out in going for OT instead of trying for the two point conversion and the win. Considering that they’re both about a 50% chance, they made the wrong choice. Dallas threw to this weeks soon to be most sought after waiver wire pickup, Miles Austin, and he scored the winning TD. On the day he had 10 receptions for 250 yards and 2 TD’s. In what’s sure to be labeled as a between teacher and student by all lazy reporters such as myself, Denver beat New England in overtime to move to 5-0. Orton proved to be a player that people should have maybe picked up for Fantasy Football as he threw for 330 yards and 2TD’s. The big upset of the day was the Bengals defeating the Ravens. I don’t care what you think, it’s my upset of the day so there. Carson Palmer threw the winning touchdown at the end of an 80 yard drive that was powered by Baltimore penalties. Stupid Ravens, I’m sure Xmas Ape is happy though.

College Football: Colorado coach, Dan Hawkins, benched his son Cody Hawkins, after throwing his 9th interception in 5 games. Colorado fans are rejoicing over this but whatever, the Buffaloes haven’t been relevant since Hawkins took over as coach. The Texans could be in tough shape for the Red River Shootout. Both of their top two running backs went out with injuries. The Southern Miss punter who was shot in his home on Friday, has died according to a report published on ESPN. He was the second string punter, and the police are treating it as either an accident or suicide.
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Tags: Angels, Arsene Wagner, Canucks, Chiefs, Cody Hawkins, cowboys, Jaguars, Miles Austin, Phillies, Red Sox, Rockies, Seahawks, Souther Miss, Stars, Twins, Yankees
Category Morning After Pill |

Yankees-Red Sox rivalry heats up…In the classroom?

The Yankees/Red Sox rivalry. An embittered rivalry so intense and so American that it makes the race wars of the 80s look like a neighborhood quarrel over property line landscaping. Both Yankees and Sox fans will smugly go into ungodly detail about their World Championships and All Star players.

And just for kicks take two overly boisterous (ie loud and drunk) Yankees and Sox fans, put them together, and you’ll definitely be in for a show. Think of it like watching two Chinese Fighting Fish (ie Betta fish) go at it to the death, but much drunker and with way funnier and more obnoxious accents.

FACK YOU!

FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK!

So when I hear about an incident involving a Yankees fan, a Red Sox fan, and a dispute over a team shirt I’m really none too surprised. But when I come to find out it involves a child (Yankees fan), a teacher (Red Sox fan), and the child having to turn his Yankees t-shirt inside out I have to step back for a second and go “WTF?” Well that and pour myself another whiskey and diet, but enough about me.

Van Buren Elementary fourth-grader Nathan Johns thought his teacher was kidding when he instructed him to go to the bathroom and turn his Yankees T-shirt inside out.

The blue shirt read “New York No. 52” on the front and “Sabathia” for the New York Yankees’ pitcher CC Sabathia, on the back.

Listen kid making you put your shirt on inside out would have been the least of your problems if the Red Sox fan in question was a priest and not your teacher. It would have added a whole new meaning to the term “squeeze play.” Besides it was a shirtzee. He did you a favor. You think the bullies were giving you shit for your shirt being inside out. How do you think they would have reacted if they knew you were wearing a shirtzee? Besides the hurt and the pain you experienced as a result of this incident will pale in comparison to the feeling of disappointment you’ll experience after the Yankees choke in the playoffs. Hey, I may not follow baseball, but I’m up on my Schadenfreude.

Source

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Tags: kid forced to wear yankees shirt inside out., MLB, Red Sox, Red Sox-Yankees, Yankees
Category News, Random Deviations, Uncategorized |

The Morning After Pill

The Morning After Pill is a recap of yesterdays sporting events. Some sports and teams are left out due to my lack of caring.

NFL: No news is bad news right? Well it’s something like that. The Colts are still awaiting the results of a MRI on Dwight Freeney. He injured his quad in the third quarter of the game against Arizona, and as of now, nobody knows how severe it is. He did walk off the field on his own, but if he’s out for an extended period of time the Colts have no defense. Just after having a breakout week, Frank Gore is out for three weeks with a high ankle sprain. Fantasy owners everywhere are both rejoicing and slitting their wrists, depending on whether they owned him or not. Chad Pennington re-injured his shoulder and is likely out for the season. He’s getting a second opinion from Dr. James Andrews, surgeon to the stars, but in all likelihood he’s done for the season and for his career as a starter.

College Football: USC Senior RB Stafon Johnson is out for the season. He was lifting weights when the bar slipped out of his right hand and fell on his neck, crushing his larynx and neck. He was taken to the hospital for emergency surgery, and is in critical but stable condition. He’s expected to make a full recovery. Tim Tebow is expected to play this Saturday against LSU after sustaining a concussion.

MLB: The Angels defeated the Rangers 11-0 last night to claim their 5th division title in 6 years. They dedicated it in memory to Nick Adenhart, the 22 year old Angel who died earlier this year. The showdown between the Twins and the Tigers was postponed due to rain. Funny, I didn’t know baseball players were made of sugar. In the matchup between the Jays and Red Sox, the Sox were supposed to start Josh Beckett. They scratched him, and his replacement got rocked as the Jays won 11-5. I’m so glad I didn’t bet on that game.

NBA: Kevin Garnett is nearly fully recovered from offseason surgery. He’s participating in scrimmages and is ready for camp to kick off.

NHL: Theoren Fleury, who after an impressive preseason where he scored four points in four games, was cut by the Flames. But that’s old news you say, yeah well so’s your mother. The real news here, is that he’s officially retiring with the team he came in with, the Calgary Flames.

Soccer: Carlos Tevez scored two goals for Manchester City, as they beat his old team West Ham by a score of 3-1. The win was Cities 5th in their first 6 games, which is their best start since 1961.

Gratuitous Semi Naked Female Athlete?:

Beach Volleyball is so totally a sport. Even when done by a castmember of The Hills.

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Tags: Angels, Carlos Tevez, Chad Pennington, Dwight Freeney, Jays, Kevin Garnett, Nick Adenhart, Rangers, Red Sox, Stafon Johnson, Theoren Fleury, Tim Tebow
Category Morning After Pill |

Morning After Pill

The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of what happened in sports yesterday. Certain sports and/or teams are left out due to lack of caring.

NFL: One of the best things about the NFL is how crazy the fans and coaches of teams get. Even though it’s two weeks into the season some fans are already contemplating suicide while others are laying down their life savings on their team winning the Super Bowl. We all knew Kansas wasn’t likely going to be a powerhouse this season, but it doesn’t mean that their fans/coaches aren’t awfully close to hitting the panic button. Matt Cassel and Brodie Croyle have both started exactly one game this season. Cassell has the big contract, while Croyle gets to go home with this lovely young lady. Croyle played against Baltimore and kept his team in there, throwing 2 TD’s in 24 attempts. Cassel kept his team in there against an actually tough Raider defense, throwing 1 TD in 39 pass attempts. Sure Cassel threw two picks, but he threw them to Michael Huff. Huff is now on pace for 24 interceptions this year, so based on these 2 week over-reactions why don’t we just give Huff the MVP and DPOY right now. Anyways, the point of this is, that though both QB’s have played one game a piece, there’s talk of benching Cassel. Call me a simple Sally if you will, but you can’t make that kind of decision after one game. Maybe Al Davis would, but Kansas is in fact not owned by the corpse of Al. It sounds like new Coach Todd Haley is going to be a little patient after all, but the fact that the idea exists is insane.

College Football: The Florida Gators have kept 6 players away from practice for having flu like symptoms. There’s no confirmed cases of swine flu, but they’re being extra careful as Urban Meyer believes it could ravage the team. As young healthy adults, Swine Flu poses no more of a health concern then does a scraping of the knee. The media needs to quit hyping it to preposterous levels, as that’s the only problem with it.

Incredibly accurate portrayal.

Maddox threw down the gauntlet, asking for somebody to give him Swine Flu, so that he could show that it indeed is no more harmful than the regular flu, or a stomach ache. Big News for USC fans. Matt Barkley and Taylor Mays could return as early as Saturday. Mays would be huge for the defense, but people are giving Barkley far too much credit at this point in time.

MLB: continue on

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Tags: Mark Reynolds, Matt Cassel, Michael Huff, Mikhail Prokorov, NJ Nets, Red Sox, Royals, Sol Campbell, Swine Flu, Tigers, Twins, Urban Meyer, USC, Zach Greinke
Category Morning After Pill |