Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Saturday November 26th 2011

Posts Tagged ‘Roger Federer’

Australian Open Preview

First, I suppose an introduction is in order. I am Fetch, and I am an internet superstar a blogger. To drop in a couple shameless plugs right off the bat, you can find me writing about Kansas athletics at Rock Chalk Talk, the Twins at Twinkie Talk and college hockey at the creatively named The College Hockey Blog. You can also follow me on twitter @fetch9 if you would like.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to the Australian Open preview. The Aussie Open is the first grand slam on the tennis calendar and probably my favorite. It could be that it comes after a long 5 month layoff after the US Open, or that it is a nice distraction from the cold January weather and the dreary school that goes with it. Or it could be that traditionally it is the one that features the most wide open field.

In any event, I love watching it, and it is one of the four times a year when I get to wear my serious tennis fan hat. Let’s begin the preview with the ladies: (more…)

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The Morning After Pill

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com

NHL: No Hockey again last night, or for that matter tonight. Thanks Gary.

Official Gally Blog NHL Story Picture

NFL: It’s officially a sad day. The best NFL news I could wrangle up without putting in any effort is that six of the Browns starters are skipping OTA’s in contract disputes. Suck it up guys. You play for the Browns. No one else in the NFL wants you. Basically, y’all are fucked.

NBA:The Celtics magically lost last night against the Magic, 113-92 Referee, Joey Crawford, called a shaky game and ejected Glen Davis. Many people were outraged and Simmons was, of course, bitchy. The general consensus though, is that creepy uncle Stern pulled his diabolical puppet strings and influenced the game. Oh, and Dwight Howard had 21 points and 10 boards.

MLB: (more…)

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The Morning After Pill

The Morning After Pill is a recap of the previous days sporting events. Certain teams and events are left out due to an extreme lack of caring and hangovers. Mostly the hangovers.

NFL: So Josh McDaniels is a super duper genius. He’s so good that he’s amicably splitting up with DC Mike Nolan, and leaving the team with it’s soon to be 5th defensive coordinator in 6 years. Nolan, in saying fuck you buddy, is coming to terms with the Miami Dolphins as their DC. San Diego fans get to look forward to three more years of this.

What? I'm beautiful, I can make fun of him.
What? I'm beautiful, I can make fun of him.
They just signed the overachieving Turner to a 3 year extension on his contract. I guess things are looking good for KC and Oak in that division.

NBA: Oh hay, its getting to be that point of the year where strippers be running for their lives. It’s almost time for the NBA All-Star Game. The big news is that LeBron James is bailing on the event even though he stated last year that he’d do it this year. In much smaller news, wait for it… Nate Robinson is back to try and repeat as champ.
balls in your moufI call it a small deal, because Nate is only 5’9″. You get it? He’s small. I’m so clever. In a game that sounds like it may have been interesting, Chicago got walloped by the Golden State Warriors 114-97. It was quite the team effort as the team was lead by everyone apparently. Monta Ellis had 36 points, Corey Maggette had 32 points and Andris Biedrins had an impressive 19 points. Chicago, meanwhile, just laid down and took it like Bree Olson. The Memphis Grizzlies beat the Phoenix Suns 125-188 at home last night. Rudy Gay [edit tee hee (more…)

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The Morning After Pill

The Morning After Pill is where I review the previous day in sports. Certain teams and sports are left out because I don’t care about them.

NFL: The Jet’s have plans of embarrassing the Patriots this weekend. It seems to me that usually when guys/teams run their mouths off about taking down, embarrassing or annihilating a team, the other team takes offense and comes to town to rape and pillage the offenders women. Good job New Yawk. This one is a day and a half old, but deal with it as my computer was down…. The Chargers likely have to face Baltimore without 3 key offensive starters.

Keeping it classy. This is a sports blog.
Keeping it classy. This is a sports blog after all.
The reason I bring this up is that they list LaDainian “LaToeInjury” Tomlinson as one of their key Offensive players. That offends my senses, as he’s not been key for the last two years. Since Anthony Gonzalez dropped in a heap to the turf with a 2-8 week knee injury(pussies, Belichick would have just said he’s out day to day with indigestion.), the Colt’s have been looking to shore up their receiving core as after Reggie Wayne it’s pretty much rookies. Well fear not drinkers of the Peyton Kool Aid, we’ve signed Hank Baskett. You know what that means? Our first hot celebrity fan, Kendra Wilkinson. Yay.

:NCAA Football: Well it looks like we get to return to the time of cocky insolent We Are The U, Miami University all around general douchieness.

God I'm Awesome. Look how Awesome I am.
God I'm Awesome. Look how Awesome I am.
The Hurricanes are now 2-0 and both shitty opponents that they’ve beaten were highly overrated, albeit ranked, clusterfuck teams. They’ve beaten FSU, and now Georgia Tech. Just because I can’t defend against the triple option on NCAA ’09 doesn’t mean a professional well trained college team with decent coaching can’t.

MLB: Fuck, is this sport still playing? Will the World Series soon be over, so I can forget the disgraceful Toronto Blue Jays and the inevitable fact the Roy “Doc” Halladay is definitely not resigning and going to either the Sawx, Dodgers, Phillies, or the Yanks? I think I just threw up a little thinking of that. The Angels beat the Red Sox 4-3 to end a 7 game win streak. Snapping 7 game win streaks is so last week, when the Rockies had theirs broken. Cole Hamels took a perfect game into the 6th inning as the Phillies beat the Nationals 4-2. Is it just me, or was that way more interesting when Buehrle did that and then some a few weeks ago. continue

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Morning After Pill

The Morning After Pill is a recap of the day before in sports. Teams and certain sports are left out at our discretion

MLB: Remember last week? When I was talking about how good the Rockies were, and how many games they had won in a row? Well they dropped their third straight, this one to the Texans by a score of 9-1. Tim Linecum pitched 7 innings and though he gave up 6 hits, he managed to leave 9 stranded on base and got 11K’s. The Rockies still lead the Wild Card race by 4.5 games. In a fine bit of reporting excellence, ESPN released a story done on the AP that makes absolutely no sense at all. This is the first season in the new Yankee Stadium, and therefore all stadium records should be starting anew. Sure the inside dimensions are that of old Yankee Stadium, but it’s a new park. Yet, ESPN and the AP have put out that the Yankee Stadium single season HR record has been broken. Thanks for the awe inspiring reporting.

NFL: The Patriots pulled every single Southie Irish cross out of their asses last night. Down 24-10, they scored two TD’s in the last 2:06 to win 25-24. On the night Tom Brady threw 53 times as the O-Line couldn’t get the run game going. The Pat’s couldn’t seem to do much right last night as Buffalo was able to put the points up, and make most of the stops they needed. But Buffalo being Buffalo, came to bite them in the ass late in the game. Still holding a 5 point lead, with under 2 minutes to go Buffalo kick returner Leodis McKelvin’s fumble on the Kickoff proved to be the deciding play of the game. The Patriots got the ball at the 31 yard line, and took it in to score with 50 seconds left. Trent Edwards who outplayed Brady for most of the game, couldn’t pull off a one minute drill though and the Pats sneak home to bed with the win. Bills LB Paul Pozluszny broke his arm in the game and I imagine is out for the season. The Chargers needed some last minute luck as well last night. They traded the lead 4 times with the Raiders in the 4th quarter. Raider field goal, Charger TD. Raider TD with 2:34 left in the game, Charger TD on a run by Sproles with :18 left on the clock. The Raiders tried a last ditch hail mary, and JaMarcus Russell threw an 900 yard bomb, but Antoine Cason picked the ball of to seal the game. The Chargers looked like they couldn’t quite handle the surprisingly good looking Oakland Defense, and Al Davis doesn’t look quite as crazy as newly acquired Richard Seymour had two sacks and kept the running game in check. In the theme of the day though, the Reffing was arguably quite horrible and Oakland had a controversial TD overturned. Still, Oakland may not be quite the laughing stock that we had all thought they would be this year.
continue

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Night Cap with Logic

I really am at a loss for words right now. Kanye is still being a gay fish. But even without him, the VMA’s had its way ups and way downs. Notre Dame lost, the Giants won. The Yankees are good. I guess I’ll only slit one wrist. This is turning out to be an emo rap, huh? Well I figured I’d get a post in with my bets before the game is over. Remember, if you be one of “my cronies” on Cent Sports, you won’t have to be reminded of all the winners I picked. I went 8-6 in the BS Blog Pick ‘Em and 11-3 in the Phoenix Pub Pick’Em as well as moved on to the 2nd round with the Ravens in all 3 survivor pools I’m in.

The Comedic Stylings of Anthony Jeselnik, one of comedy’s up and comers.

As for the links? We got ‘em:

I don’t care if you care about tennis but Roger Federer is the extremely easy-to-like star. Especially with plays like this one.

Or if you prefer, check out this puppy going down a slide!

Hey. Wanna know a secret? Don’t piss off a big black guy named Rampage with cauliflower ear and wearing Tapout gear.

I don’t know who Jennifer Hernandez is but she is putting me in the mood for Latina loving. (SFW)

THIS makes Giants fans look terrible.

I LOVE Girls Getting into Tight Jeans. (SFW and Awesome)

Live Blog over a KSK. It’s over now but you can scroll the comments and see the Jackals. I was Logic. I had a bunch of comments in there.

Gambling Addiction?

PATRIOTS (-11.5) over the Bills and the OVER

Chargers (-10.5) over the RAIDERS and the OVER
I think the Chargers and the Pats might surpass the overs by themselves. If the Pats ever get rolling for Christ’s sake. At least you know I’m genuine and don’t change my bet half way through the game.

p.s. Hitler HATED Kanye’s VMA outburst.

p.p.s. Patrick Swayze is dead. Oh God, alert the media. Someone suffering of cancer for the last X amount of months/years just died. Boofuckinghoo. Get over it. It’s like you people need someone to cry over just to get your tears out. Life sucks and if you are going to the rodeo, you better cowboy up. Slit your wrists if your sad. Ghost sucked anyway. Fucking pansies.

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Morning After Pill

The NFL starts tonight, so all other sports but college football are irrelevant until February. Maybe a little hockey also.

MLB: That Derek Jeter fellow who plays for the New York Yankees is pretty decent. Yesterday he tied Yankee great Lou Gehrig atop the all time Yankee hit record with 2721 hits. Oh and the Yanks beat the Rays 4-2. Seth Smith hit a 2 out, 2RBI walkoff single to lead the Rockies over the Reds 4-3. It was their 6th win in a row as they increased their lead in the Wild Card chase.

NFL: Denver malcontent, Brandon Marshall, is now in talks with the team to extend his contract. Is that like those late night eXtenze commercials? Noted marble mouth and dancing Queen, Emmit Smith has called out Tony Romo and Wade Phillips. He says that it’s time for those two to take charge and lead the team. How dare he say that. Romo is a god damn star I tell ya. So would Jerry Jones if he didn’t have his fingers in his ears shouting la la la, I can’t hear you whenever anybody mentions the glaring fault in his new stadium.

NBA: Allen Iverson, is now apparently the answer for the Memphis Grizzlies. He was for all intents and purposes blacklisted this summer, and nobody wanted a piece of him. But that’s over now, and he can extend his career for one more year. Yay, but is he going to have to practice?

NHL: So the bidding for the Phoenix Coyotes is down to just Jim Balsille and The NHL. So the two Rivals are the last two standing in a messy battle royale. As a side note, if a bus runs over Gary Bettman in the woods, and there’s no witness’, does anybody care?
but wait, there’s more

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Night Cap with Logic

Alright so I’ll definitely get a solid post but let me shoot a Night Cap your way to get you drunk and lubed up. Is that the story of my life, or what? While I spend my day’s trying to get Melanie Oudin to notice me, I spend my day finding links.

Like this one article about a couple that got married at their son’s funeral. I really can’t even think of a joke for this. Sometimes stuff is so mean that I don’t even need to make it mean. Unless it was an abortion. And then there’s really no reason to marry her anymore. Am I right, fellas? /boocatholics

Speaking of the US Open, well before the abortion/dead children humor, Andy Murray (the #2 seed) has been eliminated. What this really means is that with Venus Williams, Andy Murray, Andy Roddick and Maria Sharapova out of the tournament not many people are caring about Tennis. Some will try to argue this Melanie Oudin story which is cute. Cute, but wrong. No one cares about Tennis anymore. Except if Federer plays Nadal. Or Serena plays Oudin. Then we have stories again.

Here is a mock draft (version 4.0) from the “Pros” over at ESPN. I really don’t understand why they are mock drafting for Fantasy Football. Let’s break that down. A fourth version of a fake draft about a sport that doesn’t truly exist. Now tell me that you can’t that type of advice from me, Gally and Gimp with a straight face and I’ll straight punch you in the liver. Bas Rutten style.

Alright. You all nice and lubed up now? I need to go find something amazing. If I don’t, send me something and force me to write about it. Just e-mail us and request for “The Douche Bag” as my name is going around in blogging circles.

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US Open Q & A

Announcer: Ok, I think we are all set up and awaiting the arrival of our interviewee. We have an inside source at the Arthur Ashe Tennis Center who has been behind the scenes for the U.S. Open. We’re really excited to have him here and all the wonderful things he’s done to keep this event running
Announcer: Settle Down Everyone. Settle Down. We’re ready to begin.

(more…)

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Nightcap with Logic

So there has been some random news updates in sports today. I’m going to tackle a few so you can know what’s going on. Deal?

First up, Tedy Bruschi retired. That’s sad. He is a player who you can genuinely like even though people close to him call him a cockbag. He is tied for having the most Super Bowl appearances with 5. He’s a borderline Hall of Famer but with the way that the league is, he is a hero of the NFL. Especially when the heroes are Brett Favre, who is about to get lynched.

I’m trying not to cover any tennis at the US Open because I have been working my balls off there. Today, some of the stars played. Roger Federer embarrassed an 18 year old kid while Serena Williams dominated the woman she played against. This is a direct quote from a Born Again Christian at work “Anyone who watches Tennis has something wrong with them already. They are half of a fag. In the second life they will be feasted upon by vampires for an eternity”. So, I guess they got that going for them

The KC Chiefs fired their coordinator shortly after Matt Cassel went down with an MCL sprain and will miss 2-4 weeks.  It’s possible that he makes the start of the season with a miraculous effort. Or HGH. It’s his call though. Tyler Thigpen will back him up and God help the Chiefs.

Brad Penny was just picked up from the San Francisco Giants who seem to be grabbing any pitching they can right now. Even though they have 2 possible CY Young Award Winners on their team right now. That seems selfish. But it could work. I’m going to draft 15 QBs in our fantasy draft and just make trades. You think it’ll work?

Well I think that’s it that happened today. Andy Pettite flirted with a perfect game. The White Sox are going to shop some players around. Osi Umenyiora missed practice and Brett Favre played another preseason game. This is a boring month of sports and the beginning of the football season is highly anticipated.

Hopefully I’ll be back either later tonight with something worth reading or definitely tomorrow with a rant of some sort.

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