This upcoming article is based on information that came out August 9th, so if my mathematical skills are accurate it is officially Internet old skool. I also don’t recall seeing it anywhere, so either a) You didn’t hear about it. b) You don’t give a shit, or c) You didn’t hear about it and didn’t care about it until someone ranted about it in a manner resembling Andy Rooney drunkenly rambling on about how the Korean War continues to affect the prices of tapioca. Where was I, oh yeah, regurgitated old Internet news. So every year, well recently, the NFL launches the season with a sort of mini concert featuring up to ten of the days biggest musical stars. Sometimes they may not actually be big stars, but musical acts who are running low on their adderal and codein scrips and need some quick cash. In the past, acts have included: Aerosmith, Britney Spears, Toby Keith, the cast of Rent, Joey Fatone and your uncle Leo’s mariachi band.
Hey, it’s their party and they can do whatever they want. Well this year, they decided that they hate us fans. They would rather us become complacent and fall asleep before the games start rather than get pumped up. Instead of picking a band(s) that would pump us up, like oh Mastodon, Metallica, Avenged Sevenfold, or even an act like Jay-Z with Kid Cudi, Wale and Eminem(which would pump us up, but in a different way than the aforementioned rawk groups.) At least when they put us to sleep during the half-time of the Super Bowl, we’ve already been entertained gotten to blind face drunk to realize what’s going on.
This year they went with Taylor Swift and mother fucking Dave Matthews. OMG RAWK ON MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!! I’M SO FUCKING EXCITED I’M GOING TO EXPLODE SO HARD IN MY PANTS THAT MY DICK IS GOING TO FALL OFF. ARE YOU EXCITED FOR THIS:
OR HOW ABOUT THIS FUCKERS?!?!?
So umm, yeah. Fuck you Taylor Swift. Fuck you Dave Matthews. Fuck you Jim Irsay. Fuck you Roger Goodell. Fuck you NFL. You fucking god damn shit weasel, master blenders of fine semen, pieces of cunt lint. Why couldn’t it have been this:
The Morning After Pill is where we recount the previous days events in the sporting world. Certain teams/sports are left out due to extreme lack of caring or hangovers.
NFL: The Monday Night Football game between the Minnesota Vikings and Green Bay Packers drew a record audience of 21.3 million viewers. It’s the largest cable audience ever, as well as being the highest rated show ever on ESPN. I guess he who shall not be named is still some kind of draw. Rush Limbaugh and Dave Checketts, owner of the St. Louis Blues, are apparently in negotiations to buy the Rams. It’s unclear if they want to buy 100% ownership or just the 60% that remains in the Frontiere family. Is Goodell becoming a big softie? Bawlmore Ravens Ed Reed and Ray Lewis won’t be fined by the league for comments made about the officiating. The Goodell of two years ago would have had them tied up in the town square and beaten with the cat-o-nine tails. The Giants expect Eli Manning to make his 83d consecutive start this weekend. He was diagnosed with plantar fasciitis, which is apparently painful as hell, but it’s nothing a little tape and maybe some Tussin can’t fix.
College Football: A source has said that FSU wont be asking Bobby Bowden to step down as coach at the end of the year. Yeah he’s a legend, and yeah he won National Titles but this is sports and what has he done lately. Nothing. So maybe it’s time to go eat pudding and break a hip having Viagra fueled sex at the old folks home. Texas freshman Safety, Kenny Vaccaro has an arrest warent out for him after getting in a fight at a pickup basketball game. It’s a shame really that he’s a freshman. It means that he’s going to have to wait two years to be drafted by the Bengals. Sam Bradford may play this weekend against Baylor. The funny thing is that he’s still holding out hope of winning a National Championship. It’s kind of cute that he’s so naive.
MLB: In what’s being called an instant classic, (more…)
I was hoping to get out of thinking tonight after a long day and just do my Night Cap but Last Call was hosted at our blog and it looks like Daddy is coming home to a trashed house. You bastards put the cat in the microwave? Well I did have an idea of something to post so I might prematurely run with it but it seems like I prematurely do everything these days. Ask your mother. BOOSH!
So, the big talk of the preseason of the NFL is always a trendy topic to discuss. I can see why. It has valid arguments for each side. I’d like to take a quick look at it and see which would be the more beneficial to the NFL. God knows that mein fuhrer Goodell will not stray from his original thinking because if he second guesses himself once, well then the Axis loses.
Everything in Texas is bigger. The cars, the food, the people. It’s practically un-American to have something bigger than it’s likeness in Texas. Why do you think Jerry Jones built him the biggest and bestest of all the stadiums in the land? Well, that has more to do with him being a giant egotistical fuckwad but the point remains. Everything is bigger in Texas. Everything.
Fans of the Houston Texans will disagree with that statement. This year when the Team’s fans showed up to Reliant Stadium for pre-season games, the beer had gotten smaller. Yeah, you read that right, smaller. Last year when fans ordered one of the $7.75 beers, they received 24oz of draught beer. My math skills might not be the greatest this early in the morning, but to a Canadian, that doesn’t sound that bad. After all it’s two regulation can’s of beer for $7.75. At a bar here in Canada, that would cost me probably about $11, barring a sale and assuming domestic beer. That’s with our Canadian dollar buying much less as well.
This year though, the draught beers have been reduced to a measly 20oz for their $7.75. Those bastards. continue
