Author: Nonpopulist Published: September 12th, 2010
The 2010-2011 NFL season is so close, bitches. NFL fever is heating up like a rapist’s breath on your neck. As the cheesy-ass NFL Network ad reminds us everyone has high hopes for now. Every NFL team is 0-0 with a chance of winning it all, or so you think. I have some bad news for you all. Your team is going to suck this year. There’s only one team that wins the Super Bowl every year. Everyone else just sucks. Some NFL team fan bases already know their favorite team is going to suck. They will tune in to see how their team will suck specifically this season, though. I will be sharing my insights as to why your team is likely to suck on a division-by-division basis. Next up, the NFC East. These are barely getting any pageviews, but it’s a matter of desire at this point. I need to focus and finish. What I learned for next year: start earlier and don’t try to do all of these by myself.
Why the San Fransisco 49ers will suck this season:
The 49ers have all the looks of a team that will be in an upswing this year. That’s the first warning sign of impending disappointment. Do not trust that instinct. Alex Smith is still as shaky as ever. I have not yet begun to make fun of the people that claim continuity in the offensive coaching staff will help Smith have a good year throwing the ball. Frank Gore is as injury-prone as ever. Mike Singletary has such a sparkling personality that some on the team (Glen Coffee) decided they would be better off serving the Lord. The Niners defensive has some solid talent, but there are still holes. Fortunately for them they play in the NFC West. Prediction 9-7
Why the Seattle Seahawks will suck this season:
New Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll is one of the hottest stories going into the NFL story. He seems bulletproof after tap dancing out of the NCAA violation mess he left at USC. The NFL is a different animal, though, and the last time Carroll was in the NFL he had a rough go of it. This time he has more notoriety and a better reputation despite the fact he left USC’s football program in shreds. “You have at it, Kiffin!” The turnover in personnel since Carroll has taken over should have Seahawks’ fans biting their nails. And the team is one blindside hit on Hasselback away from the beginning of the Charlie Whitehurst era. Carroll sure brings that winning exuberance, though. *mouth fart* Prediction 6-10
Why the Arizona Cardinals will suck this season:
I do not need to pile on to Cardinals’ fans who have already soiled themselves in response to the upcoming season because of the injury to wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald, but I will because I am an asshole. All signs point to Larry Fitzgerald being ready to go, but if he is only at 80% he will not be the Larry Fitzgerald you drafted in the second round of your fantasy draft and not the Larry Fitzgerald the Cardinals need in order for him to impact the offense in the manner in which we have all grown accustomed. The good news for the Cardinals is they finally got rid of Matt Leinart. The bad news for the Cardinals is they are going to start Derek Anderson at quarterback. Therefore the level of Spuds McKenzie partying has suffered a significant downgrade. Head coach Ken Whisenhunt is still convinced he can turn this team into the Pittsburgh Steelers, but he has yet to acquire the personnel needed to make the team as tough as he wants. Prediction 5-11
Why the St. Louis Rams will suck this season:
aklfkjnkeonjfwefwefewofjwoemfowemcomckld mmk sdlmlkjmlkjf. I don’t even have to try. But seriously, rookie quarterback Sam Bradford looked decent in the preseason. My advice to the offensive play caller: call a lot of short passes. The offensive line in St. Louis is porous, and unless they want their new franchise quarterback to go the way of Joey Harrington, Patrick Ramsey, or other quarterbacks who have the skill and awareness knocked out of them because of poor blocking they need to adjust their offense. They lost one of their major offensive weapons for the year already in Donnie Avery. Steven Jackson appears to be somewhat healthy, but with his past I would not count on him for more than 7 games. And the defense, what defense? Prediction 3-13
Whew, that’s over. I enjoyed previewing all 8 NFL divisions. How about you? Do you want to argue about it? I will win.
The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com
NHL: This a much better start then yesterday’s auspicious one, as we’re starting with a real sport. Yeah, hockey is a real sport even if it’s run by an incompetent weasel.
Or you know, get a huge raise
Anyways, last night both of the conference championship games were played. You’d think they’d spread them out so there was a game every night, but that just makes sense. The Chicago Blackhawks came into San Jose and won their 7th straight road game by a score of 4-2. The key to the game was San Jose’s inability to stay out of the penalty box. They had 22 minutes compared to Chicago’s 6. The Philadelphia Flyers on the other hand were arguably outplayed by the Montreal Canadians and still came out on top 3-0. The Flyers young goalie, Michael Leighton, has now become the third goalie to garner 2 straight shutouts to start the NHL conference finals.
NFL: In fantastically amazing news, a shitty QB leaving the NFL for the UFL and another is leaving the UFL for the NFL. Such drama and intrigue right? Well, Daunte Culpepper is set to join the Sacramento Mountain Lions while J.P. Losman is joining the Seattle Seahawks. (more…)
The Morning After Pill is our daily recap of yesterday’s sporting events. Except lately it hasn’t been daily. It’s only happened on my days. Which means it’s been Monday/Wednesday-y. So anyway. Recaps t’is!
Good morning, kiddies! It’s that time of the week again. Except I’m a little late today, so it’s a good thing there’s a pill for that. Shall we?
Amerikanische Fußball:The Vikings destroyed Seattle. Destroyed = 35 teh’ 9. D-E-S-T-R-O-Y-E-D. So much so that they didn’t even need Favre after the 3rd quarter. Even T-Jack threw a touchdown. What do Percy Harvin, Visanthe Shiancoe, Bernard Berrian, Sidney Rice (x2) all have in common? Other than being black, or playing for the Vikings at Mall of America Field vs. the pitiful Seattle Seahawks? Give up? They all scored touchdowns yesterday. Noticeably absent from that list? Adrian Peterson. Regardless, AP still surpassed 1,000 rushing yards yesterday, going three seasons strong. And for all you Favrehards, it should be noted that he was at 88% yesterday – which I have to admit is quite stellar. Fine. I said it. Seattle should probably stick to what it does best: acoustic guitar sets and Starbucks. But the biggest news to come out of yesterday’s games, is the defeat of Pittsburgh by…wait for it…KANSAS CITY! Kansas City? Yup. I didn’t get to see any of this game, because I was busy being at an awesome one (the Vikings), but my analysis of the Box Score tells me the following: In Total Plays, Total Yards, and Possession, the Steel’ were twice as good as KC. However, they had twice as many penalties and 2 INTs to KC’s aught. It also doesn’t help that The Rapistberger got his dome rocked and they had to put John Legend in to replace him. So really, it’s all that guy’s fault and everyone should go egg his house.
NBA: So my Celts eked one out past the Knicks last night. What? The Knicks are the opposite of good. And it went into OT! The Celts were forced to rely on Paul Pierce the entire game, who scored a season-high 33 points. For some reason (probably because they miss me so much), everyone else was having an off night. KG was only 4 for 15 of FGs made/attempted, and Ray Allen was only 3 for 13; though Allen also put up 1 3-pointer (of 6 attempted, and 6 of 6 free throws. Pierce was 9 for 17 in FGs, 6 for 7 in 3 pointers, and 9 for 10 in FTs. Sheed, on the other hand, did absolutely nothing. Except probably scare the piss out of people and pick imaginary bugs off himself. I’m pretty sure he was only brought on for intimidation factor. I’m going to start putting together my dream team, and it will most definitely include Ron Artest and Sheed. Anyway, through some great strategizing by Pierce in OT, he was able to draw all the attention to himself and quickly lob the ball over to a wide-open KG who is so clutch he made the game winning shot. See, kiddies? Even if you’re having a tough day, just keep at it and you will succeed. If you can dream it, you can be it! There were a bunch of other games yesterday (Orlando v. Toronto, Indiana v. Charlotte, New Orleans v. Miami, Detroit v. Phoenix, and OK City v. Lakers), but they were all lopsided which = BO-RING. It also means I don’t feel like recapping them right now, because I didn’t start working on this til this morning.
Fußball: I know nothing about Soccer other than David Beckham looks like this:
But I did also learn that the LA Galaxy fell to Real Salt Lake in the MLS Cup. I also learned that it’s all Landon Donovan’s fault, because he’s a chump. Donovan (who would be a lot cooler if he was thisDonovan), completely blew a penalty kick. Then Real from Mormon Country got totally pumped up and some guy named Robbie Russell (cool alliteration!) got the game-winning penalty shot, of which Donovan was probably the offender. Because I said so. If you’d like to read some more in-depth discussion from the world of the ball with all the little pentagons all over it, Avoiding the Drop can satiate your every desire. A big HOLLA! goes out to @2Yellows over on twit. :)
Happy Monday – if you’re on the East Coast your day is almost halfway over! If you’re on the Dub-Cee, well…get your coffee brewing.