Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Friday November 25th 2011

Posts Tagged ‘Sexy Time’

Last Call: The Brain Pudding Edition

Last Call beaches. You know the drill.

Musical Interlude:

Linkage:

The Independent: Holy crap, there might be a cure for the common cold. Seriously.
Yum Sugar: Gail Simmons, yeah that one, demonstrates some new ways to use cocoa powder.
AV Club: This one is a bit old, but did you know there’s canned bacon? The AV Club does a taste test.
Daily Kos: Democrats here’s why you didn’t lose and why you lost. Republicans, here’s why you didn’t win and why you won. It makes more sense at the link
WWTDD: God Damnit! Adam Sandler is one heck of a good friend.
Film Drunk: Hollywood’s top 10 most overpaid actors.

Key Lime Cheesecake: (more…)

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Last Call: The Not Dead Edition

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It’s official. The Phoenix Pub is closing up shop at the end of the week. Wish those folks the best. I’m going to continue running the Last Call at least on a Monday Basis and we will be possibly adding new sites to the rotation. I’m unsure of how it’ll all go down right now.

Musical Interlude:


27b Slash 6: David Thorne gets some hate mail calling him a faggot and he responds in hilarious fashion.
The Basketball Jones: The guys propose nicknames for other 29 NBA benches now that Phil Jackson has named his The Renegades.
WWTDD: Holy Crap! Say what you will about Tom Cruise, nutjob wackjob captain insaneo psychopath Hollywood Superstar, but the guy is a professional and ballsy actor.
EDSBS: Did you know that Oregon’s coach, Chip Kelly, is a part time script doctor?
Warming Glow: Hot Damn! Another blog has gotten a TV deal. I assume that means mine is somewhere’s in the mail.
Uproxx: The 2010 Holiday guide, for those of you that have more than pocket lint in yer pockets.
Purple Jesus Diaries: Correction, Randy Moss was the smartest player on the Minnesota Vikings.
Film Drunk: Todd Phillips did an interview with Movieline and got things off to an awesome start by telling them he hated them before the thing started.

Strawberry Banana Cheesecake with Cointreau glaze. (more…)

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Last Call: The I Did It Again Edition

An oldie but a goodie.

Good evening you sniffers of fine vintage taint. Again, I’m out of the house right now and didn’t set this up properly. So come in and discuss whatever it is that warms the cockles of your heart. I’ll be home shortly and will reward you with finest cheesecake, music, comedy and linkage the Internet has to offer. Ciao.

Musical Interlude:


Purple Jesus Diaries: The infamous, exclusive and 100% legit Randy Moss speech. Too legit to quit even.
WWTDD: For the second day in a row, Brendan has a post that is Pedobear approved.
Film Drunk: The ten most pretentious Jackass 3D reviews. Really people? Really?
Sportress of Blogitude: See, ESPN doesn’t always suck. Season 5 of Mayne street is about to begin.
Daddys Sugar Ball: The DSB guys are getting all grown up as they launch a new sister site. Congrats ladies.
The Tasty Kitchen Blog: A new user fueled recipe blog by The Pioneer Woman. This specific recipe looks fantastic and rather mouth watering.
Posted Sports: Bruce Arthur presents his excellent, as always, take on the NFL and head shots.
Joe Posnanski Blog: Joe presents the top 32 NFL coaches as football players. Yes, there’s only 32 coaches in the NFL. Deal with it.
Press Coverage: If you guys hadn’t heard, Yardbarker has been officially been bought by Fox Sports. Yes, this is now a Fox Sports blog, woot!?! Dan Levy wonders if it’s a big step or the end of independent sports blogs.
EDSBS: The Howard Schnellenberger top 25. Oh dementia.

Bananas Foster Cheesecake(ie, glorious eye candy): (more…)

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Your Final Big XII Football Preview Forever

The Big XII had a bit of a renaissance in 2009. Old powers rose again in Nebraska, rivalries were renewed in the South, and Colorado was reminded of their place by being a horrible, horrible football team. Just like they should be. In the offseason, the romantic winds of change blew up the conference’s skirt as it was looking to establish itself as perhaps the second most relevant NCAA football conference outside of the SEC. That is, until Missouri started flirting with the Big 10, Colorado ran to the Pac10, Nebraska ended up being the school to move to the Big 10, Texas threatened to leave for the west as well, and Texas A&M almost headed to SEC country. When all was said and done, the Big XII was left weak, with doubts about it’s future, and a clear center of power in Austin, Texas.
But this isn’t the place to discuss conference realignment. There is some real, genuine, college football that is starting up soon. There are crowds in Kansas that are prepping to wave their arms like a cornfield. There are people in Lubbuck who are curious about their new coach. There are fans in Norman looking forward to a rebirth of their team. And fans all across the Big XII are prepping for one last swan song, one final send off for Colorado and Nebraska before the Big XII as we know it dissolves. Will there be blood? Oh yeah. Buckets of it enough to satisfy a Twilight Mom. So let’s get this college football season started, with a Big XII preview.

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Morning After Pill – June 11teen Edition

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling.  Today’s edition has been crafted by PJD, which means that it’s full of self important bullshit and self congratulatory Nebraska masturbation. That’s how we (I) roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com

First, some people seem to be a little upset about Nebraska (still allegedly) joining the Big 10. While an official announcement of the move is expected today, all I can say is “You mad”. You don’t like getting fisted, don’t come to a gang bang with a number 2 pencil. Just sayin’. On to the recaps.

DEEERRRRPP!!!

NBA: That mildly looking retarded fellow in the front of that picture being draped by Gary Coleman’s son is Glen “Big Baby” Davis. I hope he dies in a vat of lard. However, he played quite the game of an idiot savant Thursday night as his 18 points (nine in the fourth quarter) helped the Boston Celtics even the NBA Finals series with the Lakers at 2-2. Also, it appears that things started getting pretty chippy between the two teams with some awesome fouls being made throughout the game, and I think it was Farmar who almost lost his head. YES. AWESOME. I hope the rest of the series is this violent.

NCAA Football: Oh boy. College football has turned out to be spectacular in June. With the flurry of rumor this week about Nebraska all but being the newest member of the Big 110 (that was originally a typo, but I decide to keep it), fellow Big XII North school and notable worst fans in the entire country, Colorado Buffaloes, officially announced their removal from the Big XII to become the newest member of the Pac10. Cool! So now you’ll become like Baylor in this new conference. What a terrible school. Also, I noticed my pants getting aroused last afternoon and realized it was because USC got popped straight in the toofs by the NCAA because they’re cheaters and bad people. On top of losing scholarships and other self imposed sanctions to other school sports, USC also lost one of their recent Championships (WOO!) and can’t go bowling for two straight years (BOOYA!). Couldn’t happen to a better school. Luckily, USC fans are notoriously blasé about their team, so I’m sure no one there has even noticed yet.

MLB: There were a couple of good baseball games out last night, if you’re into that type of boring shit. Someone, the horrible team in the Oriels squeaked out a winrar against the Yankees, 4-3. The shitastic Cleveland team beat the Red Sox 8-7 as well. Even the lowly Royals beat my hometown Twins 9-8 in quite the nail biter. I’d be lying to you if I said I watched ANY of those games though. LOL! Also, this doesn’t have much to do with anything, but I saw that the new Marlins stadium that they’re building is going to have an aquarium as the backstop behind home plate, full of live fish and everything. WHAT! THAT IS FUCKING AWESOME. Good for you, forgettable Florida team.

NFL: Benetration has admitted that his actions which have led to, oh, a couple of sexual allegations were immature. /wanking motion followed by a back hand.

Obligatory sexy time: (more…)

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Morning After Pill: You Gon’ Get Raped Edition

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days events from the sporting world. Certain teams and entire sports are left out due to an extreme lack of caring or crippling hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though, and they might not even be crippling. That’s how we roll. Send tips to tips@ thegallyblog.com.

NBA:

I would take a random shot in the dark and guess that there sure ain’t a whole lotta Laker fans that read this site, however, even when he’s not having the most obnoxious game of his life (last night had 30 points, 7 boards, 6 assists) Kobe Bryant still knows how to skull fuck you. He ended up being the catalyst for the Lakers game one win over the Boston Racists, 102 – 89. Boston is hoping that KG remembers how to finish around a hole (*wink!*), Ray Allen stops giving and receiving stupid phantom fouls, and Rasheed Wallace disappears into the Guatemalan sinkhole, otherwise they be in trouble.

NCAA Basketball:

Bad news in famous people updates (good news is you had four famous people dying since Memorial Day in your office pool?), but it appears that Hall of Fame coach John Wooden is in critical condition still after suffering from … something. No one knows because the doctors say releasing that information would be a “violation of medical privacy laws”. Really? I’ll show you some violation, stupid doctors …

NCAA Football:

Texas wrote up some (probably) fake stories yesterday about how they are apparently the new hot bitch on the playground being invited to join the Pac10, along with most of the Big XII South and … Colorado. Haha, ok, that’s how you know this story is false. No one wants to be affiliated with Colorado.

MLB Notes:

After getting fisted out of his perfect game, Armando Galarraga was designated to bring the lineup card out to home plate ump Jim Joyce, who was the masked man behind the fisting. They shared hugs, got a little romantic with scented candles and some Genuine blaring over the loudspeakers, then played some baseball. AND DRANK SOME BREWS, BROSKI (Note: May not have happened.)! Also, the Orioles sound like they’ll be firing their manager but can you really blame them? Baseball faults CLEARLY always fall on the manager.

NFL:

NFL news?!? Kind of. Darrel Revis, who might be one of the coolest cucumbers ever, is certainly not acting like one as he has decided to pout about his contract and has stated that he was ABSOLUTELY INSULTED by the Jets recent offer. What, was $10 dollars not enough for you? I will do some sexy things for that amount of money, Darrel. Call me. Reggie Wayne has followed suit, too. I mean with the hold out, not with getting sexy.

Sexy Time:

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Don’t Worry, Jared Allen’s Mullet Just Moved South for the Summer

The world was aflame in anarchy and Samson like agony the last few weeks as everyone’s favorite mulleted hero apparently trimmed his strengths off for his nuptials. Yes, it was reported widely that Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen cut his mullet off and seemingly there was photographic evidence to prove it. But as we’ve learned with such things as Helicopter Shark, not everything you see on the internet is as it appears. PJD was able to obtain an exclusive interview with The Mullet itself and talk about it’s alleged disappearance and summer plans …

PJD: Mullet, thank you so much for sitting down with me. I know you’ve had a tough couple of weeks here. You made a brief appearance on The Gally Blog last week, sharing words of fire and anger that really seemed to hint towards a bitter divorce with Jared Allen, but what can you tell us about what really happened?

Mullet: … Am I seriously talking with some bowl cut looking pig fucker right now? Where the real reporters, or at least that Vikings Gab set of tits, Laylay Onamie or whatever her name is? I gotta talk with you? This is some shit. Ok, listen pasty face, yes, Jared and I had a pretty nasty public divorce, but a lot of it was misguided. He pulled me aside after our initial shaving and had some very interesting plans for me, something your hairless donkey ass probably wouldn’t understand.

PJD: Fair enough. I haven’t shaven in seven days and do have nary a shade of tuft on my cheeks. But perhaps our readers would be interested in your back story. Plans you say, what plans?

Mullet: Oh, it’s about to get saxy in here.

(more…)

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An NBA Non-Fan Watches an NBA Playoff Game


I have watched about a handful of NBA games in the past few years. When I was still living in Florida I jumped on the Orlando Magic bandwagon briefly, but that was mainly about drinking with buddies in bars and the beauty of a town cheering on its sports team during a playoff run. It’s funny because I grew up an NBA fan more so than an NFL fan, but since about the year 2000 the scale has tipped all the way in the NFL’s favor. I have been meaning to watch an NBA playoff game this year after I’ve been hearing so much about it in the form of out-of-context tweeting with way too many exclamation points. The game I chose to watch was the third game in the Spurs vs. Suns series. I thought it may be entertaining to document my thoughts and observations during the experience. It turned out not to be all that entertaining so I have added pictures of hot Phoenix Suns cheerleaders looking nice and slutty. Better? I also forgot to start watching the game until the second half. Oops. (more…)

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Worst Line Ever

It’s been a long time since I saw this video and I kind of forgot how amazing awful this line is. It’s truly breathtaking in it’s simplicity and straightforwardness. And the kicker is that somebody got paid to write that line.. If only I could get paid for my awful writing.

If you got any other bad lines post them in the comments and I might revisit this post some time.

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Bacon Lube

Some of the folks who bring us the wonderfully amazing bacon salt, decided that they would do a taste test of the bizzare, bacon lube and bacon body powder.

“That could really make someones genitals taste like bacon”

That’s what America needs. In order to make sexy time sexy again, apparently we need to associate sex with bacon. After all, everything is better with bacon.

Gizmodo via Buzzfeed

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