Sports, Satire and Bad Jokes
Friday September 16th 2011

Posts Tagged ‘Sidney Crosby’

The Fake Babysitter

I’m not one to write about drunken hookup stories. It’s clichéd, cheap, exploitative, clichéd, bad form, douchey, lazy, the worst form of “humble brag,” and also clichéd. HOWEVER, writing about drunken hookup stories involving people that aren’t you? That’s just people-watching. And now matter how many times you think you’ve seen it all, people can surprise you. So why don’t you sit right back, and I, I may tell you a tale. A tale of drunken douchebaggery and thespianism set in the backdrop of fair Washington, DC. Across the street from the MCI Verizon Center after a Penguins-Capitals game that I wasn’t at.

(more…)

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Some Heartfelt New Year’s Wishes From Old King Clancy

If you followed me from The Phoenix Pub, you’re probably familiar with this schtick already.

And a New Year’s toast coming up after the jump. (more…)

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The Morning After Pill: With Hand Breaking Action

The Morning After Pill is a daily recap of the previous days sporting events. Certain teams and or sporting events are left out due to a lack of caring or hangovers. It’s probably the hangovers though. If have a story you think we should know about, you can send an email to tips @ thegallyblog.com

NFL: Herr Goodell and his team of No Fun Police have backed down from trying to own the Who Dat chant that’s popular with Saints fans. I think the Who Dat chant is retarded myself, but it’s origins go back over a 100 years so it is what it is. The Bears ended their, “hey we suck, nobody want’s to come here” streak with the hiring of Mad Mike Martz as their Offensive Coordinator. Martz usually runs a “pass wacky” offense, so this could be a return to greatness for ole Cutlerfucker. That or he’ll be fired when Lovie get’s fired next year.

MLB: Something something sideburns something Joe Mauer. It’s not official yet, and I’ll let one of our Minnesota writers tackle this one.Ms. Chelsea CooleyThis lovely lady is apparently Mr. Mauer’s girlfriend. I’m not sure, I didn’t do any research or anything.

NBA: Kobe Bryant scored 44 points in leading the Lakers to a 93-95 loss to the Memphis Grizzlies. The Lakers are a lofty 14-9 this year on the road, which is impressive considering they’ve only lost 12 games all year. Oh, and Kobe moved passed Jerry West as the alltime leading Laker scorer. On the court obviously, as no one is going to match Wilt the Stilts bedroom prowess.

NHL: The Penguins beat the Sabres 5-4 last night largely on Sidney Crosby’s heroics(I think I’m going to be ill). Crosby scored 3 goals in less than 8 minutes of the second period to erase a 2 goal deficit. The Flames, despite overhauling their roster, were defeated by the Flyers 3-0. Media pariah, Mike Richards, scored 2 goals to lead the way for the Flyers. That trade you didn’t hear about two days ago because you don’t give a crap about hockey, well it was finalized this morning. The Rangers sent Chris Higgins and Ales Kotalik to the Flames for Olli Jokinen and Brandon Prust. It hinged on Kotalik’s limited no trade clause, which he waived. Kotalik went to the Oilers last year and performed well for them. He was rumored to be coming back to the Oilers in a trade for Sheldon Souray, which is now not likely due to Souray breaking his hand on Jarome Iginla’s face in a fight the other night. But hey, the Oilers defeated the struggling Hurricanes 4-2 last night. The one win by the Oilers this month surpasses their total of 0 last month. If they had managed to hold on and pull out the loss, it would have tied a franchise record 14 game winless streak.(I think I might be sick now)
Notice how even though he just broke his hand, Sheldon Souray skates off chewing bubble gum as if nothing had happened. Bad Ass.

College Hoops:Kentucky super star John Wall cant’ take criticism from coach John Calipari. Or maybe he can, now claiming that his running his mouth was merely postgame frustration. You know what? I get it. They’re both named John and that’s a problem. You ever work at a place where the boss has the same name as you? They end up giving you a nickname, and it quite often sucks. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that because his teammates shower with him, he got stuck with Tiny. You’d be frustrated if your entire team constantly referred to your tiny manhood as well. Not me though, I’m used to it huge. (more…)

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